Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Forums / PTSD & Trauma / 29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

Topic: 29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

  1. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    26 April 2020

    Hi, This is my second thread. I feel like i needed a new one as last night, i felt like there was light but today, that light has gone again.

    Im not sure how much detail is appropriate here but holding in everything just consumes everything in me.

    When i was a child, i was abused for around four years by one of our neighbours, im not exactly sure, it doesnt feel like time actually progressed in days and years, more in events. I dont remember a day being a day, i remember and still sometimes measure time in times between memories (f that makes sense to anyone other than me). There were so many times i was attacked, so many things that happened that i remember in clear detail and feel the exact emotions i felt at that exact point in time. I cant go into detail, im pretty sure that a rule here but god i want to let it out. Just so its not in my head. I dont know if it will help but i feel it might. The threats he made, the way he made me feel, from hated to loved and everything in between. Those feelings have never left me. The reason they never have is what follows.

    He and his family finally moved away, back to India of all places and my dad actually made me come with them to the airport to say goodbye.He even got them maccas on the way! I cant ever remember him getting me maccas ever!!!!! Shortly after this, i was at our other neighbours house, their son was in his mid 20s and was always really nice to me, let me pay his computer as we didn't have one. Talked to me about things i never talked to my family about...He was a friend. One day i told him what had happened, i dont remember how much i told him but i remember his reaction. He asked me if i had told anyone, else. When i said no, he told me good,to never tell anyone then he gave me a hug, then he told me to sit on his bed. I wont say what happened next, you know what im about to say.

    That went on until i was in grade seven. I know that because we moved and i started grade seven at a new school. Since then, i have lived with this. I want to go into the feelings i have about it, i want to talk about my complete fear of trusting anyone, ever. I want to talk about why i have no friends, why i hurt the one person i have ever loved and lost her and have forced my children to now face a future without me being there like im supposed to be. I want to talk about the dreams and the hopes and the fears, about the want to move on but the fear of that.

    Im at a cross roads where i dont know what to do.

    Thanks.

    4 people found this helpful
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6133 posts
    26 April 2020 in reply to Richie01
    Hi Richie01,

    We are so sorry to hear of the terrible abuse you have gone through during your childhood. No child should ever have to endure what you have been through, and it is understandable that this has affected your ability to trust others. You've shown so much strength in sharing your story and reaching out here. Please know that this is a safe and supportive place to discuss your thoughts and feelings, and things really can improve. We also just want to let you know that we are currently getting in touch with you via email.
    Feel free to keep us updated here on how you are going, whenever you feel ready.  
    2 people found this helpful
  3. Soberlicious96
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Soberlicious96 avatar
    519 posts
    26 April 2020 in reply to Richie01

    Dear Richie,

    Well done on reaching out, and talking about such a difficult topic. I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you, as it has to so many others, including myself. Your story rings true to my own experiences, as I also had multiple abusers in my life, when I was also a young child. And yeah, I too do not remember 'timelines' as such, but more like details and feelings and thoughts.

    When I finally, really spoke up about what had happened, it was 20 years after the fact. I began keeping journals so that I could write it 'out' of my head, and bring it into the light of day, thereby reducing it's power over me, and going to counseling as well. Having a professional to talk to was such a relief. and yeah, to have the 'detail' written down in my journal, helped to give my experience validation. Because one of the things I felt while I let it keep rolling around in my head, was that it wasn't real ....... but putting it in writing in a journal, helped to make it real, and therefore more recoverable from, if that makes sense? I just felt like I might never recover from it, if I couldn't somehow make it a bit more realistic.

    And yeah, while you can't put too much detail on here, you can in a journal, and maybe even in the privacy of a room with a professional counselor. Do you think that is something you could consider doing?

    I do hope that you would perhaps consider talking to a counselor about your experiences. I know it helped me immensely. Of course, the choice is yours though. I'm no professional myself. Just a fellow survivor.

    Anyway, please do take care and feel free to come back here as much as you like. We will be here for you and with you, for as much support as you need.

    Take care, I'll be thinking of you. xo

    3 people found this helpful
  4. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    27 April 2020 in reply to Soberlicious96

    Thanks. I know exactly what you mean about it ‘not feeling real’. It’s a very lonely place to be. Questioning every thought but ultimately knowing the answers before you even ask.
    I want to speak with someone, I want so much to move past this. I know it will never go away, it’s who I am, it’s everything I am at the moment....

    ive been thinking so much about this lately, it’s probably the one thing that is constant in my mind. I can have a conversation with someone and not remember a word I said yet have a complete recall of a moment from my past that was playing over and over in my head at the same time. It’s gotten out of control.
    i will be honest, I think I’m scared of getting help and it working. I’ve avoided help for so long, I’ve pushed the most important people in my life away, hurt them because I couldn’t deal, made them feel like they were the cause of my anger because I couldn’t in any way explain what was really going on. It was never their fault. But now, what if I do get help? What if it works? Why did I wait so long and lose so much? Why was I so weak? I feel like I’m getting to grips with it, I should feel good about that but I feel so guilty that I couldn’t do this earlier. I feel like if I achieve what I want, I will regret it. I don’t know if that makes sense. Because to me it doesn’t. I shouldn’t feel guilty about getting help but I do. I feel like I’m less of a man for asking for help. Maybe I’m talking myself out of it, I know I’m scared, I have been scared most of my life. But I’m starting to bring it up in conversations now, I broke down in front of my boss today..... he asked me about my kids and I just started crying and told him I’ve been so scared I wouldn’t be able to protect them, I’ve been scared since the day they were born that I wouldn’t be able to keep them safe like I wasn’t kept safe. This all started to get out of control after they were born, I love them and their mother so much. How could I tell them that. How does a father fear for them rather than live for them. I’m so lonely through this, I feel like no one cares about me. No one asks how I am, but I know that’s my fault. I just want them to know why and that I am so sorry for everything I am.

    1 person found this helpful
  5. GimZim
    GimZim  avatar
    45 posts
    28 April 2020

    Hi Richie

    I first want to say how brave I think you are, you've gone through so much and reaching out is so hard. I understand what you mean with being afraid to seek treatment. I felt for a long time that I wasn't worth "fixing" and then afraid of the time I'd wasted by not doing it sooner. What I found helps is thinking of other people in my situation, how I'd feel about them seeking help, would I think that was a waste of time? Absolutely not, so I apply that to me too.

    And worrying about time wasted, we can't change the past which I guess is what this treatment is all about, healing from our past. I take strength in knowing helping myself will improve the lives of those around me.

    I got diagnosed with C-PTSD and started seeing a psychologist about two years ago and it's one of the best things I've done. My history was like yours in some ways (childhood and multiple abusers at different times).

    I hope you seek medical help as it's improved my life immensely and I don't want anyone to feel the way we do.

    Soberlicious

    I began keeping journals so that I could write it 'out' of my head, and bring it into the light of day

    I've been doing this with my psychologist, timelining, and it's helped so much. I could remember all these traumatic events but not the order, it was just a chaotic blur in my mind. It's been much easier to process and work through since. It's very difficult though.

    Sorry for any formatting issues, I haven't used a forum in a few years and I'm using my phone. Take care.

    2 people found this helpful
  6. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    28 April 2020 in reply to GimZim

    Thanks Grim Zim,

    I know you are right. I know i need help because ive been here before and i made some really really bad choices. If i didnt have my children and a faint hope that i can repair the damage i have caused with my partner, i have no question that i would not be on this forum or anywhere else to be honest.

    Ive spent the last five or six years trying to keep myself together with no choice but to do it alone. People dont understand that, that its impossible to explain to them what is wrong. That you would do and say anything to prevent that from coming out, that if it did, it would feel like everything would collapse around me, that everything i had built to protect myself would be gone and that the fear of losing what little strength i had was so overwhelming that i were terrified of the thought of it. That im scared of losing you but im more scared of losing you because you know what ive been through. That you love someone so much that the thought of them seeing your real pain, the soul consuming depression you live with every day, the thought of exposing them to that, the feeling of putting them through the thought of the real hurt, that gives me more pain than anything he did to me. Yet ive hurt her so much more by doing that, i just didnt see it. Im so lost.

    I want to explain it to the people i need to, i want to talk with a professional and find ways to change that part of me. How can i be so ready now but at the same time, so frightened to take the steps towards it???

    I used to write journals, my father went through my stuff just before i turned 18. He read some of it and approached me about it, saying he was a failure to let this happen. He had already spoken to other people about it before he told me. i didnt want anyone to know, it was mine and he took that from me. Ive never written about it since. Im not scared to. Thats a lie, im scared to, im scared to talk, to write, to show emotion about it. I can talk about it here, its kind of a neutral place for me. Like im talking to myself in a way because no one knows who i am. Talking or writing, someone can hear it, someone could find it.... Sounds like paranoia as i type it, i need to stop it. I need to talk.

    Sorry, im just spilling out everything now, i have to admit that it feels good to. Really good to.

    Did you find it hard to get the right help? Ive seen a couple of Psychologists but struggle to open up, it just feels wrong. Is it me, am i doing that or is that normal? Im just lost.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Aaronsis avatar
    2464 posts
    28 April 2020

    Hi Richie01

    I just wanted to stop in and say hello and it is great to see you reaching out and leaning on this community for support in what is a really frustrating and confusing time for you. I think you are so very brave and the internal battle you are fighting with speaking and healing and being exposed V's remaining quiet and "dong what you have always done".

    You have received some really wonderful advice and support here and I am so proud of you for speaking up and speaking out here, if this is all you can manage for now, that is fine also. I know you feel like you should have done this and that earlier and why have you not, well, you perhaps weren't ready, you needed to learn some things in the meantime to get you to this point. I think you are learning so very much Richie01.

    Keep talking and great to see you back here.

    Hugs

    Sarah

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Soberlicious96
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Soberlicious96 avatar
    519 posts
    29 April 2020 in reply to Richie01

    But now, what if I do get help? Getting help is a scary thought, I know, because you don't really know what that help is going to 'look like' or how it's going to play out. I got help from a counseling service that specialized in helping survivors of sexual abuse. I didn't go to a 'general' counselor. I wanted to know I was going to the right place, for the right thing.

    What if it works? Yeah, fear of success, I get that too. We tend to tell ourselves, even subconsciously that if this 'works' and we 'get better' that we no longer have our own permission to have a bad day again. But that is a MYTH, and a lie. We all have bad days from time to time, but success, in this instance, is in learning to live with the memories without them taking over every moment of every day. Success, in this case, is with this issue only. It doesn't mean that you are never allowed to be sad or angry or anything again. Nor does it mean that you are never allowed to get help for other things either. Success, in many areas of life, is an ebb and flow kind of thing.

    Why did I wait so long and lose so much? I think it just takes what it takes. there are many MANY people that take a long long time to face up to childhood abuse. And perhaps part of that is because the mind of a child is very different and not as developed as that of an adult, and the different development stages mean that we tend to understand different things at different times in our lives. What did not make sense at age 10, suddenly makes sense at age 20 to 30. The brain is a very complex machine, and perhaps it wasn't so much about 'waiting so long' as it was that it just took the time that it took.

    Why was I so weak? You were NOT weak. Please don't say that about yourself. You were a child and powerless over the actions of others toward you. You were a child, and I'll say it again; you were, and ARE NOT weak. In fact, you are now getting stronger with each time you talk about it and bring it out into the light.

    Take care, and keep coming back here as much as you like. Am keeping you in my thoughts. xo

    3 people found this helpful
  9. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Sleepy21 avatar
    4430 posts
    29 April 2020

    Hi Richie, Aronsis, GimZim, Soberlicious and Sophie. Waves to anyone reading, too.

    Richie, thank you so much for sharing. Relate to so much of what you've wrote. it is painful that it takes so long to name/identify and heal from abuse. Small thing but I feel that when the body and mind are ready, although it takes a long time to get to that place, the healing can begin and you can see growth and find relief quickly. There are always ups and downs and it's never "over" but I hope the jounrey can also have a lot of "wins" amongst the painful times.

    I used to write myself and then after traumatic experiences I never felt safe to write anymore, even if i'm alone I have a fear that someone will read it....

    I feel that trauma can affect in complex ways. I also feel that you are brave and strong in sharing here and being able to say what was too painful to say at other times. You have every right to be heard. Sending you strength and care, to get through this challenging time

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    30 April 2020

    I just want to push all of this away again and walk away from everything. I hate how i can want to make the changes and find the help i need one day then wake up the next day and just want to go back to everything i have always done. I feel like im two people. Strong and sure of who i am one second and then completely hopeless and lost the next. Yesterday i was planning on so many positives when i go home from a month at work. Toady, i just cant see what i could yesterday. I dont have a home, i have no where to go. I feel like there is nothing there, that everyone has already forgotten i ever existed and are happier for it. Maybe thats better, maybe i owe my children and my partner, sorry, my ex partner a chance to grow up and enjoy life without me, without me trying to be the man they deserve. They would be better off. I want to fight for them but i cant even get myself right. Im so sick of this, its like my mind just wants to ruin everything, like i want so much out of life, i want to be so much to so many people but i cant get past myself. I have done more damage than those people ever did. They only hurt me, they only ruined my life. I have hurt so many people trying to forget them and what happened. Who is worse? The monsters who broke my mind and body over and over or the monster i am who lets everyone who cares about me down, who can love so much but show the opposite. I just want to disappear, im the real monster in my life, I have caused everything bad in my life since they left me to be alone in the world, i get that now. Maybe i couldnt help it but i shouldnt have dreamt i could be happy and dragged anyone else down with me. I hate my mind, i hate me.

    This is who i am, i dont know if anything will ever change that. Im sick of the hope of life being better. Its easier to accept that i am who i am. As much as i dont want to.

  11. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6133 posts
    30 April 2020 in reply to Richie01
    Hi Richie01,

    It sounds like you’re trying to manage a range of emotions and we understand how frustrating it can feel like one moment things are improving for you and the next moment feel like things are getting worse. Please know our community is here to work through these ups and downs with you. It is really resilient of you to continue to reach back and talk things through.

    Today you mentioned that you can’t see what you could yesterday, but we can see that with each difficult day you’re able to push through and continue to move forward. What positives were you planning on yesterday when you return home? It may help to talk through what you were thinking/doing during this time up until now. Feel free to check back in when you feel up to it.

    We’ve asked our Support Service to reach out to you via phone to ensure you have a plan to keep yourself safe. We care about your wellbeing and hope to hear how you're going. 
     
     
    1 person found this helpful
  12. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    30 April 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    I feel like making the changes i have needed to. Get help, talk about me, accept that im struggling, be the dad my children need and the friend that my ex needed me to be for so long. I need to be ok for that to happen.

    But im not ok, im just telling myself i am. Im putting on a face for everyone to see but inside im crumbling fast. There a void that is consuming everything.

    I have this image of me that keeps coming into my thoughts at night, its haunting.Its like a book with a picture of someone standing alone. The pages from the past are full of moving images that i want to forget but as the next chapter flows on, there is just an image i get stuck on, an image of a person with a background of a place i know so well, a room where i used to hide. I dont recognise the person standing there, he has no face, no expression, no emotion. I see it in my thoughts and i wake up feeling completely alone and overwhelmed.I know this image, its the place i used to go almost thirty years ago to get away, a place where i feel nothing, where i can just sit quietly and cry without anyone finding me, its the place i hid every time they were done with me, the room under our house where i could hide behind the bed, lie down on the cheap maroon carpet with the damp almost mouldy smell to it. The Pearl Jam poster with the black barking dog on one wall, another was a poster from another band, cant remember the name but it was 3 kkk guys and a burning cross. Its like im there in every way. I dont know if that makes sense, i guess i feel like im looking at me but not at the same time. I havnt seen that place since grade seven yet i remember everything about it, i had forgotten about it but its back and i dont know what to make of it. I know its just a dream but it feels like more and it makes me feel things i just want to forget.

    It cant be normal to have feelings like this, Its completely soul destroying and empty. Im really sorry i cant post anything good on here, I try but this is all that comes out. I dont talk about this with anyone, i just cant. I dont feel like its going to make me do something crazy but it feels like i might actually be losing my mind....

    Welcome to my life right!!!! but thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and your more than generous words, they do give me a sense of comfort through this.

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    30 April 2020 in reply to Richie01
    And I can feel all of that, then have one phone call with my son and everything changes. I need to get through this, I might not be able to do it for me right now but i have to do it for him and my daughters if for nothing else. I’ve made so many mistakes but they are not one of them. I forget how much I have too often. I don’t ever want to give up on them. I need help, I know I can’t do this alone. I’ll carry the scars of this for the rest of my life but I won’t let them carry them with me.
    I don’t know what the best option is at the moment, I have a lot of choices but have to make a decision. I’ll try counselling, if that doesn’t work, I’ll try something else. I know it won’t be easy but if it was, I’d have done it already.
    I hope I don’t let them down ever again. I can see hope now where there was none.
    1 person found this helpful
  14. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    2 May 2020
    I have found your thread so helpful. So much of what has been said I can relate to. I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. To this day my parents have no idea. The abuse was over a period of years but like you I remember it in moments and memories instead of a proper timeline. I have spent much of my adult life in and out of therapy suffering with anxiety, depression at PTSD but with no real benefits. That was until recently. It has been 30ish years since the abuse and i have finally had a complete breakdown, I just couldn't cope anymore. After a period of self care I finally felt truly ready to get the help I needed. I have been seeing a new psychologist who has really helped me to face my abuse. It hasnt been easy but i can certainly see progress. I am really hard on myself which comes from the overly high standards set for me as a child. I'm finding this an issue now as an adult. I find if I'm not getting results at every psych session I get really down on myself. (I know, not realistic!) I lock myself away, i push loved ones away, I listen to loud music to drown the thoughts out of my head, I write to get the thoughts out of my head... It's exhausting. But today after reading your thread I feel like I've found the missing part of the puzzle. I needed to be reminded that I'm not in the alone, that there are others out there who are suffering just like me. I feel like this is the perfect place for me to come when I'm struggling between therapy sessions to be supported and to support others who understand me and who I understand on days that just seam impossible. Thank you for posting your story. We are in this together and although the journey isn't a smooth ride I now feel that there is hope. Stay strong x
    4 people found this helpful
  15. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    3 May 2020 in reply to Catie 08

    I guess that is the hardest part of all. The isolation we place on ourselves. I hear the world complaining about all of the COVID restrictions and all i can think is that maybe they know how i feel every day. Not being able to see their friends, not wanting to leave the house, not knowing how long it will last until you can get back to functioning normally. You see the ads on TV, ''support eachother through this'', ''we can get through this together''. Where is that for us?? Its accepted that whats happening in the world needs to be addressed, its acceptable to talk about it, its accepted that the government will help you through it financially, that this is so hard on everyone. Its not accepted for us to talk about our problems, there is a stigma attached that leads to either sympathy or avoidance. So what do we do, everything everyone else is doing right now. They have had two months of what we have had for a lifetime. Maybe this will put things into perspective for them.

    I have four days left until i have a month break, I really dont know how im going to go back in normal life. I feel like so much in me has changed over the last two months, So much of who i am is different, there is a hope but more fear now than there ever has been. I hope soon that i can see someone in person, these zoom appointments are just doing my head in. How can you release a lifetime of pain and regret to someone on a video call?? There is no security, who knows whats happening off screen. I will start to look for the right help, i think ive just been looking for any help and i think its not been really productive for me. Im fighting myself every day, im harder on me than anyone will ever be. I know im unrealistic in a lot of my self expectations, i know there are things i have probably damaged beyond repair. I know this but for the first time, i want to really fight for what i believe instead of running and not dealing with the real issue. Its going to be hard, really hard to open up about everything but it is going to be harder to stand by and watch everything slip past without knowing i tried.

    1 person found this helpful
  16. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    3 May 2020 in reply to Richie01
    I absolutely get where your coming from. I wish that it was more socially acceptable to openly speak about what we have all gone through... however, I look back and think even if I had come forward all those years ago the support that is avaliable today didn't exist back then. I know for me it would have been swept under the carpet and hushed up. Today, when you decide you are ready, there is some amazing support avaliable. One thing I will say is, it can take a bit of time to find the right psychologist, it's not a one size fits all thing. If you head to you Dr they should be able to recommend someone for you and will be a good starting point.
    Enjoy your month break, take it as an oppertunity to put yourself first, to enjoy some self care. I know when I started with my current psych I also booked myself in for regular massages as well, find your something that will help you to unwind and help you breath again. I get what you mean about the fear... I am still in the middle of my journey but I know I have changed so much and it is scary. I just keep reminding myself that I am doing this for me (I am married with kids but ultimately I am doing this for me).
    You spoke of running, in the past when things got tough I quit my job and moved to where people didn't know me just to try and escape it... I decided this time to not run, I needed to fix it this time, I needed to face it and take control. It's not easy, that's for sure. There are many ups and downs and it is a rough road but if your able to surround yourself with the support you'll need, I'm confident you can do this x
    1 person found this helpful
  17. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    3 May 2020 in reply to Catie 08

    Thanks. It means alot to hear from someone so similar in so many ways. I wish you had never been through this journey as much as i wish i didnt have to go through it. If its not too intrusive to ask, Have you spoken openly about what happened with your partner? I have been fighting with myself about this for so long. I think its important but i also feel it isnt their burden to bear. I dont expect her to make things better but i feel it would allow her to understand it was not her who caused this.

    What you mentioned about running, I did the same thing so often. I quit jobs, threw away the life i had, started fresh. Not sure if it was to avoid the issue or to have another issue more pressing to deal with. Like if i focus on starting new, i wont have time to focus on me, ive done this over and over for so many years....

    I know i have to focus on me, its something i avoid with intent. How do you fix something you dont believe can be fixed? Thats how ive always felt. I never had anything to really hold onto in the past. I would have run from my now ex years ago if i didnt have the feelings for her that i do, if we didnt have the beautiful children we are blessed with. I didnt know how to cope with what i now had. Running wasnt an option but neither was talking. We had our issues, as any couple does, i chose to focus on them and made them worse, so much worse than they ever were. As messed up as it is, i turned our issues into a way to avoid talking about me, deflected my internal hell onto our small issues and made them the excuse. It is the biggest regret i will ever have. Being sorry wont make up for that, i dont know how to make up for that. I just know im going to do everything i can to show her how much her presence in my life really means to me, I dont think I deserve her back, I just want her to know i love her and want her to be happy, even if that is without me as much as that hurts to think of.

    I would not be able to do this if it wasnt for her. I know i have to do this for me but is it that wrong to see how much i have impacted another and want to change because of that? I wouldnt have seen what i had let myself become if i hadnt seen how i have hurt someone else. Ill do what i have needed to, do it for me but do it because its not just about me. That feeling makes it bearable to face this alone.

    1 person found this helpful
  18. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    3 May 2020 in reply to Richie01
    I didn't talk to my partner until we were married and had kids so maybe 10years or more. After I told him I didn't want to discuss it any further, for me, I knew that he knew and that was enough. It has only been in the last few weeks that we have talked about it openly and honestly so perhaps another 8years since I first told him. He now knows the full story and he said that it helps him to understand why I am the way I am and why I do the things I do. I am now at a point where I have selected a small number of people who I trust completely to speak openly about things and it has really helped. They're my support team and I know they'll have my back when things get tricky. You spoke about it not being her burden to bear, OMG I used to say this all of the time. I felt exactly like this - I totally get it. I am glad that I finally opened up and was able to talk about it. Somehow It makes me feel lighter - it's only been recently that iv e truely believed that you don't need to do this alone. Although my past will always make up part of who I am, I can finally see a way forward so that it doesn't rule my future.
    2 people found this helpful
  19. Aaronsis
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Aaronsis avatar
    2464 posts
    3 May 2020

    Hello Richie01 and a warm hello to you too Catie 08

    I just wanted to jump on and say how proud I am, firstly that you spoke out Richie01, for if you had not have chosen to come and share your story, you pain and you did not start your journey here for support, you would not have met Catie 08, and while it is absolutely sickening to the core that you have had to experience such abuse and trauma, here you are together being able to support another.

    I cannot support you both like you can support each other and I can see that you are both doing that and it truly makes my heart sing, that all your emotion, your lived pain and suffering you can actually identify with another and find wholesome and heartfelt support in each other's stories and experiences.

    This here is the magic of these forums that actually brings a tear to my eye.

    My heartfelt thoughts to you both for the horrendous suffering you have had to endure as a child, that effects your life as an adult. Keep chatting, keep talking, keep searching and keep your spirits high.

    Huge hugs to you both

    Sarah

    2 people found this helpful
  20. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    3 May 2020 in reply to Catie 08

    Im glad you have that support group. I can see so much how that would help. I need that, not everyone, just those who count.

    Ive held this in for over eight years, Ill admit ive have dropped a few small comments here and there, generally when ive pushed and pushed her away and i can see that she is lost in whats going on. I start to talk but shut it down almost right away. Its so hard to cope when you see how far you can push someone especially when it is the last thing you ever want to do to that person. Fighting with yourself every day to try and be stronger for them, feeling like you can change, like maybe this time ill get myself together, ill be able to handle my thoughts from now on and be the person you deserve, who i deserve..... Then the next time you cant cope or something triggers you, you realize just how not ok you are.

    I think i have felt like i dont deserve her, like im too damaged to be loved, like if she knew what i had been through, she would see me differently, i dont believe she would but the past has shown me otherwise and its not a small hurt to have to absorb when you are rejected at your most vulnerable. But i owe her that chance. I feel like its right, just not so sure if now is the right time. As meaningful as it is to me for her to know, i feel like she will see it as an act of desperation or something. I just hope when i do tell her, she sees that i couldnt tell her, not that i chose not to for all of those years.

    I find comfort in your words about it, its kind of how i feel too. I just want her to know, like you wanted your husband to know, not for any sympathy but more for them to understand what they simply cannot. Not so they can make things better, just so they know why sometimes they cant make things better, why sometimes no matter what they say or do, its not their war, that even tho i seem so distant, that my actions seem to say i dont care,no matter what, i always love you. Having them there when the war in your head passes, thats what really matters. Letting them know why you act the way you do and that it has nothing to do with them and they way you feel for them has not changed. Thats what i hope for. I guess its a pretty big dream. I know there would have been some really tough times for both of you and im glad that you have finally let that part of you that takes so much away be shared with him. I hope i can be as strong as you, just hearing from someone who has taken that leap, thats something special to me.,

  21. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    3 May 2020 in reply to Aaronsis

    Hi Sarah,

    You really have an amazing heart. Your messages are always so supportive, its really amazing the feeling of hearing those non judgmental words. It kind of goes against everything i have allowed myself to believe.

    It is a harsh reality to hear from another with the same impacted life. As much as you find solace in the knowledge that someone out there has been through and is going through the same thing and that its possible for two people with such reservations about talking about our true self, i also feel its a cruel world in which we find ourselves fearful to talk and be open about things that in no way did we choose. Im angry for the right reasons now, ive spent so long being angry at myself, blaming myself and allowing that to make my feelings turn on my hopes, Now i placew the blame where it is deserved. That doesnt make it any easier but it makes it makes things not so impossible to cope with.

    I never saw much value in forums, this really has changed my perspective on that. I think im changing my perspective on a lot of things at the moment. Long overdue.

    I will continue to be a part of these chats, I hope in time my participation will benefit others more than myself. Thats important to me.

    Thanks again Sarah,

    Richard

    2 people found this helpful
  22. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    3 May 2020 in reply to Richie01
    I didn't start talking about everything until I was already attending therapy. I would strongly recommend speaking to your Dr about a referral to a psychologist. They helped me to develop a 'tool kit' of things that help when things get tough. Everyone is different of course, but for me speaking out took a lot, the professional support was very helpful.
    I get what your saying about being seen as damaged and not feeling deserving. The things that happened to us are just part of our stories, but our stories are still being written, we can take control of the next chapters to ensure we live our best lives.
    I will be between work and family commitments from tomorrow but would love to keep chatting. I'll keep checking in the best I can but if it takes a while for me to reply, you'll know why. Stay strong.
  23. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    3 May 2020 in reply to Aaronsis
    Hi Sarah, Thank You for your comments 🥰. This is actually the first time that I have been part of any of the discussions. I came here just expecting to read the stories from others, I have been feeling really withdrawn and isolating myself but not knowing how to stop torturing myself. I have ended up finding a fellow survivor who's story i feel (at least in part) could be written about me. It's nice to be able to connect with someone who can really feel what I feel. I feel like I've found the missing piece of the puzzle, I needed to hear from people who truly can understand what this life is like. I hope that I can continue to support and be supported here. This journey isn't always easy but i have hope that it will continue to get easier.
    2 people found this helpful
  24. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    3 May 2020 in reply to Catie 08

    Yeah, your right. I need that help first and I will get it. One day at a time right. No sense rushing it.

    It’s been such a positive thing to hear part of your story, take care of yourself and your family, I never realised just how much family meant to me until it was too late. I check in here pretty regularly now. Not always to comment, just to take stock of the things I have already spoken openly about that I never could before. It gives me strength. If you ever feel like bouncing something off of someone who knows the feelings that are hard to explain, I’ll happily be that. You’ve been that for me today if you realise it or not. Thanks


    3 people found this helpful
  25. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    3 May 2020 in reply to Catie 08
    As Catie08 said,” its nice to connect with someone who can really feel what I feel”. I know our stories are different but they are the same. Its impossible to explain the torment we have put ourselves through. For me at least, I have felt alone in this for most of my life. Never really having an identity to call my own, just being who I had to be right then and there, never knowing when the next hurdle would come from but always being ready for it, expecting it. You question everyone and everything around you, see the negative side of most good things and take everything so personally that you are almost sure that everyone is judging you and those are the easy ones to deal with... it’s the emptiness, the times where you almost can’t breathe through the tears but can hold them back until you are alone because you can’t let anyone see them. The battle that rages in your mind constantly, the triggers that you don’t even see coming over nothing or everything. Even the closest person to you can empathise and sympathise with this but never understand just how deep the cuts really reach within us. I’ve never told anyone some of the most painful memories I have. To even think that someone could do some of the things I was made to do as a child would make most people feel sick. Imagine it not being a thought but a memory, feeling it,Living it, not thinking it briefly in a conversation then trying to forget that mental image. That’s what no one sees. It’s not us being sad and upset, depressed and alone. Its us living it over and over, we can’t forget and we can’t even talk about it most of the time. We fight, run, hide ourselves within ourselves, deny ourselves happiness, sabotage ourselves, hate ourselves. We do all of this so we don’t speak a word of it, because that’s what we had to do, what they made us do.
    I know each person is different but as I said, we are the same and until we hear someone else speak as though our thoughts were shared, we feel alone and as though we are not normal. I don’t feel alone now. I’ve never heard someone agree with the feelings I have, know them and have felt them. It’s always been someone saying I can’t imagine how hard that is but you can get past this. Be strong.... The general speel everyone gives. Hearing someone say I know and know they do without question. Thats powerful.
    sorry, I get so caught up in this, I’m too full on but it’s me expressing what I never have. I don’t know why I apologise all the time either. Sorry
  26. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    4 May 2020

    Hi all,

    This is really hard for me to open up about, its something i really need to address and is actually harder to deal with than my past. I know they are linked but that makes it no better.

    I emotionally hurt my ex. I never intended to nor did i at the time see what i was doing but now, I see exactly who i was. I hate myself so much for this.

    I blamed our lack of sex for my mood, the way i would get angry, the way i would snap. Honestly it was an issue for me but i made it more of an issue because i used it as a way to hide what was really going on with me. To tell you the truth (and im only just starting to learn about it after speaking with a psychologist a few weeks ago which was too confronting so i havnt continued that treatment). I make things about sex, i plan my time off around the chances of it, i dont plan anything away from home so its more likley, i pressured Sehra for it and didnt show much understanding when i dont get it. Somehow i felt that it would change things for me, for us, at the moment, i cant see why i thought that but at the time i guess i did. Honestly, sometimes its all that mattered and when i did get it, i felt horrible about it, i feel so guilty for this, its not who i am nor what i want but something makes me feel like its so completely important that it happens. Its really something im ashamed of and it only started after i began the downward spiral my life has taken since about five years ago.

    Somewhere in my mind, i associated sex with being accepted. I began to think she was rejecting me because i wasnt good enough and that really did lead to the feelings that i was only good enough for the men in my past who never rejected me. I want to be wanted by someone more than they wanted me!!! how screwed up is that. I never realized that until very recently, when i finally let realized it was me instead of blaming her.

    Id never felt rejected by her and to be honest, the real reasons were in no way about me, i made them about me and in doing so, ultimately did make them about me and what i was forcing her to feel. I couldnt see it at the time, I was chasing something i didnt understand. I wanted love, not sex. I tried to change so many times, just be who she deserved. I saw it was upsetting her and i couldnt keep doing it but as much as i wanted to, as much as i really tried, i just couldnt stop. It was the perfect excuse, i didnt have to talk about me. God i was a bastard.

    If nothing more, now that is off of my chest.

  27. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    5 May 2020

    So i spoke to another psychiatrist via zoom. Maybe its being detached from the real world by being at work that makes it possible to talk. I am beginning to accept who i have been and god i want to make amends for all of the things i have done. Its really horrible when you start to see the things you couldnt or wouldnt let yourself. We live under the false pretense that we can make it better, that we can do this alone. We dont lie, we believe it, we we want it, we see our errors when the triggers and emotions are absent and truely know we need to change. Then, a lifetime of learned denial floods back and we are right back where we started. What hope do we have by ourselves, its like you are chained to a monster, the chain seems to get longer and you can distance yourself just enough to let the fear go away for a while but eventually, inevitably the chain pulls tight and drags you back.

    The discussion i had with the Pysc was not so much about my abuse (i really cant do that over the phone) but what i see wrong with who i am, If i could change something negative, what would that be?. I discussed the anger and the sexual needs i have,that i cant stop even though i know its not what i want, that i find comfort and acceptance in it, that to me, it is not sex, it is an association with love, its a release, a way to cope and feel wanted. I could never see just what i had become, i believed it was normal even though my heart knew it wasnt. I tried to change, believed i could but no matter what i do, it just wont go away. Feeling so guilty about how i behave yet behaving that way to ease the guilt. She mentioned hypersexuallity and pretty much explained to me the exact way i have felt since this started. I dont really know much about it, im going to try and read up on it tho. I dont want to be like this, its not what i want. Right now sex is the last thing on my mind. It actually used to make me scared in a way before i met Sehra but for a long time, its been the only thing on my mind. Does anyone have any experience with these feelings? Im not perverse, i dont want to shag everyone and anyone, i dont actually want the physical side of sex, i just want the feelings that it evokes or maybe i dont know what i hope to get from it.

    I feel so completely alone and judged in this. I dont think im a bad person but i feel like the world sees me as a bad person because of this.

    Thanks for listening.

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    5 May 2020 in reply to Richie01
    Hay Richie01,
    So proud of you for talking to a psychologist, and I'm really pleased to hear what they had to say resonated with you. You've got this, one foot in front of the other. Do you have plans to speak with them again?
  29. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    327 posts
    5 May 2020 in reply to Catie 08

    Hey Catie08,

    I will continue to look. I think im not going to be able to really commit to someone until i can physically sit in a room with them and feel things out. The whole state of things at the moment with COVID is making that hard but hopefully itll ease while im on break and ill have the chance to start something. Maybe im just being cautious tho, its something i keep thinking. Keep telling a little bit to alot of people... That no one gets to know enough to have any control... I dont really think thats what im doing but im beginning to think i may be. I have shared more on this Forum than i ever have with anyone, i need to be open with a psyc like i am here. I think its the only way, I have a month off from thursday so ill use that time to take the first steps. It wont be quick, i know itll be a long road but thats ok now. Than kyou for not judging me, its been the main reason i have never talked about most things.

    How are you going anyway? You have been so supportive and i feel like i have given nothing back. Your story is just as important.

    Richard

  30. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    449 posts
    5 May 2020 in reply to Richie01
    I get you wanting to wait until you can sit in the same room. I guess i was lucky that I had already found a psych that I connected with before covid hit. I also get where your coming from when you talk about telling little parts of your story to many people, it's a big step to fully commit yourself to the healing process and damn scary. I have found the forums very helpful. I found that when you talk to friends or your psych the response is often "I'm sorry that happen to you" or "That must have been hard for you" but what I really needed was "I understand you" and "I feel what your feeling". I think that what makes this space special, non judgmental people with similar experience coming together to support each other. I noticed that you have commented on my thread so Ill continue chatting there.

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up