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Forums / PTSD & Trauma / 29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

Topic: 29 years of not dealing with being sexually abused as a child.

  1. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    65 posts
    20 May 2020 in reply to Richie01
    Hay Richie,

    Just wanted to check in to see how your doing today?

    C.
  2. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    73 posts
    20 May 2020 in reply to Catie 08

    Hey C,

    im ok. Having a hard time but I have to stick it out. Just feel like everything that meant anything to me is gone, makes it hard to be positive when you look at the loss. Anyway, put on the smile we wear and make a joke hey 🙂

    how have you been? Work going well?

  3. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    65 posts
    20 May 2020 in reply to Richie01
    I'm sorry that things haven't improved 😕. I wish there was more I could do to help!
    Did you have any luck finding a new therapist? Is sleep still elusive?

    Not working today, I had therapy this morning.

    We spoke about the internal conflict that I am currently facing. He could see that I was struggling with wanting all of this to be out in the open but not wanting to tell my parents and cause them pain. Likewise, knowing that the return to the office is imminent but not wanting to go back and be triggered by being there. (I used to have panic attacks just walking in the door). A lot to reflect on and work through... felling a bit muddled but with little Richie on my shoulder I know that thats ok😁...... so today was music that is sure to make me deaf before I'm 40 and cooking to distract myself.
    I'm heading back to the GP tomorrow, the weight gain from the meds is starting to get to me so I thought it was time to talk to him again about my options.
    C.
  4. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    73 posts
    20 May 2020 in reply to Catie 08

    I know you have a lot to process there with telling your parents. Is it something you think will help? I’m not the greatest person for advice with that as I never had the choice to tell them but do what is right for you, yeah it will be a huge thing for them but don’t focus on how they will react, focus on what you will get from it and make that decision based on that. Don’t feel alone with the work situation, I’ve been struggling with that for about two or three years. I’m the boss at my rig and I feel like I have to justify myself to the new guys!!!!! It’s a never good enough feeling that takes over all aspects of our lives. I get stressed out like crazy going back. Especially now that I’ve had a hitch or two where I’ve had it less than together. We battle on tho, we always do and I know you will be fine, I’m here any time if you just want to debrief 🙂.
    no luck with the counselling, I just need to make it work I think, I guess I’m expecting a golden bullet kind of thing, the reality is that it isn’t pretty, it isn’t going to be easy and I need to stop fantasising that I’ll find that robin williams out of good will hunting relationship lol.
    muddled is us C. Jesus of suburbia quote- the space that’s in between insane and insecure.. love green day. But that song is like a gospel! You know I’ll say it’s ok but what I mean is that I care about you and I want you to know that I’m here for those times just as much as I’m here for the days where those ducks are as straight as an arrow or the tennis balls are under water lol. I know you probably think it’s all crap, that someone who has read a few messages can care but I do, your a friend in my eyes. Like a pen pal 🙂.
    Lastly, I get the weight gain issue you have, I can sit here and tell you that I’m sure you look amazing and who cares. But it’s what you feel that matters, so see what the dr says. I’m sure there are options for you and if that’s something that will make you feel better, then hen go after it tomorrow.
    been sleeping a bit better too, thanks for asking.
    take care C. I’m always here for you.

    richard

  5. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    65 posts
    20 May 2020 in reply to Richie01
    My issue with taking the parents is that I want to not hide any if this anymore but I don't want my parent to know. I feel that I have to keep protecting them... I've kept it from them this long so I guess I'll just keep sucking it up 🤷‍♀️.
    Work is awkward because I told them a LOT of what was going on and now I feel like they know too much, I feel exposed. I guess I have to trust that I told them what I needed to tell them at the time and hopefully by the time we go back covid will have been enough of a distraction to take the focus off me.
    I don't think it sounds funny at all, I see you as a friend too. It's a shame that this is how we meet and that there are rules around connecting outside of the forums, I reckon we would have been great mates. But pen pals works for me too 😊.
    Do try and stick with the therapy. In the past i had seen a few therapists and when things got tough i bolted each time. This time i pushed through and i can now see the otherside off in the distance. Still work to be done but the path looks a lot clearer. It can get better, i promise 😊.
    It is pretty shitty that something we didnt want or ask for can affect so many parts of out lives. It sounds like work is pretty high pressure for you.... when do you go back?
    I'm glad the sleeping has improved. Do you have the kids again soon?
    Please make sure your doing something good for you tomorrow - self care is a big part of this.
    C.
  6. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    73 posts
    20 May 2020 in reply to Catie 08

    I totally understand what you mean by protecting them. That’s what I did to sehra. She knew I had been abused, she knew a few things but I couldn’t explain the real issues I was having because I couldn’t put her through what I was going through, I know we are supposed to have no secrets from those we love but there is no handbook for how to tell someone about the thoughts and feelings that haunt you in silence. It’s ironic that me trying to protect her drove her away. Just don’t push your parents away C. Even if you can’t tell them. I know your struggling with this, I know how gut wrenching the thought of letting them know is. Like I said tho, don’t do it for anyone but you. I will never say you are right or wrong, Ill support what you decide.
    the work things a bit like that more for me now. I’ve told my ops superintendent, kind of had to, had a full blown break down at work after Sehra and I broke up, losing 10 kilos in two weeks also raised some questions. He was really good about it but now it’s out there, nearly 9 years I’ve worked here without anyone knowing, it’s a strange feeling. I still have two weeks off then go back for a month. See how that goes.

    I know we would get along great, how many people can you be so open with right! I guess there is just an acceptance between us. So much that doesn’t need to be explained or avoided. It’s really quite something to not have to analyse everything I say to make sure I havnt said something I don’t want people to hear. It’s a freedom I seldom have known. The rules suck but hey, we wouldn’t be having these chats if this place wasn’t here. Still forget it’s an open forum most times tho 😬. Having said that, I still feel ok about it.
    Ill get the kids for a couple of hrs tomorrow after school, that’s the nicest thing I could possibly ask for tomorrow. If anything, this has taught me just how special they are to me and I want to be the dad they deserve. Hurts not being there every day, destroys me when they ask why I can’t stay. Yeah, that’s the real kicker. Gotta sort myself out, as much as I hope Sehra and I can work it out, I think I’m the only one who wants that, I won’t ever give up on us but I have to respect her choice and her space. Hard when you love someone more after it’s over for realising just how much you put them through without seeing it.
    bla bla. You don’t need to hear that.

    have a great day tomorrow, look forward to our next chat.

  7. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    65 posts
    21 May 2020 in reply to Richie01
    Hi Richie, sorry It's taken me a while to respond, long day working followed with hubby going on night shift. Finally got a few mins to put my feet up 😊.
    I hope you had a lovely afternoon with you kidlets. Please don't block what you want to say, if you need to get it off you chest, I'm hear to listen, please don't assume that I don't want to hear it, that's not what this place is about. Sometimes just getting it off your chest can give you the space to breath enough to get through the day 😊.
    So am I right in saying you work one month and off for the next? I normally only work 20hpw (you make me look like such a slacker lol).
    It least your supervisor knows and can have some appreciation for the extra stress your under. At least when you go back, if you need to chat I'm still just a message away 😊.
    I've just set the kids up with the kids messenger app. It is all controlled by the parent and is kid friendly. They can connect with their friend or family members. I'm not sure if they are old enough but this might be something that you could use to keep in touch with the kids whilst your away?? Just a thought 🤷‍♀️
    I've just had a phone appointment with my Dr about my meds. I'm going to try and reduce my dose and see how that goes, wish me luck!
    C.
  8. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    73 posts
    21 May 2020 in reply to Catie 08

    Ha. I Do 90 hr weeks!!! Pretty good for me tho. I’d love to say I had a great time with the kids, it wasn’t so great tho. My son wasn’t feeling well which was ok but he wanted to go home and sleep. Queue the flashback to my childhood were I would say I felt sick and the school bell!!!! God that give me a shiver I can’t begin to express. Triggers suck! I cried in front of my three little angels today. I hate my past. My son held me so close today, he is stronger than I can ever hope to be. I hate my emotions lately. I can’t hide them any more, like a lifetime of work has come undone....

    anyway, I’ll get there; gotta do it for my kids if for no one else.
    I hate what’s behind blue eyes, taking words from another again. But it says it all, maybe I read into it too much because I have blue eyes lol, who knows.

    the truth is that i hate me C. Not who I am but what made me who I am. Every day is a struggle between going on and saying goodbye. It’s a sad reality. But it’s mine 🙂 I’m still here right, means life isn’t all that bad.
    what does your husband do if you don’t mind me asking. I hated night shift, so glad I don’t have to do it any more. Perks of being the boss lol. You don’t mention him a lot. How are things going between both of you? I do care.

    yeah , month on month off for the corona crap!!!it really is a blessing to know your here tho. Our chats mean the world to me.
    hope cutting back the meds helps a bit, seriously tho, to hell with weight, who you are is more beautiful than any image you could transpose. Be you C, the you I know is beautiful beyond words. Dont ever feel less than amazing ok!!!
    thanks for being a friend, finding you has changed my life, i mean that.’
    take care, chat again soon.

  9. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    65 posts
    21 May 2020 in reply to Richie01
    I'm sorry in to hear that today wasn't good and your little guy wasn't feeling so great. That sucks.
    You talk about a lifetime of work coming undone, I get the time and energy that it takes to constantly protect yourself and the people around you. To constantly be on guard, it is exhausting. For me, last year was the year that I ran out of steam, I couldn't keep up the game, the walls came crashing down all around me, I was a train wreck. I was terrified, exhausted, I was a mess. It was time for me to let go, to get the help I need, to finally let the people I love in, to stop being the soldier I thought I was. I physically had nothing left, I knew that for me, this was the only way. Whilst I'm still on the journey, I can see that this has been the best thing that could have happened for me. I can see calmer waters ahead 😊.

    Our journeys will be different, what right for me won't necessarily be right for you, but I've seen what is possible and i know when the time is right for you, things can get better.

    Omg, when I read blue eyes I totally shuddered... there is a song that I remember listening to on a family holiday. I was in my aunties car looking out the window with the wind in my hair and she turned to me and asked if everything was ok... she saw me... It was the first time someone really saw me. I could have stopped it all there on that day, but I didn't. I was maybe 7?
    Electric blue...
    Are you hiding somewhere behind those eyes?
    (I just freeze)

    I just freeze every time
    You see through me
    And it's all over you
    Electric blue

    (On my knees)
    On my knees
    Help me baby
    Tell me what can I do?
    Electric blue

    The words to a song can mean something different to each of us.. they can be powerful, beautiful and equally painful.

    Sorry, lighter subject...
    Hubby doesn't normally do night shift, just filling in as they couldn't get enough staff. We are pretty solid. He knows not to ask too many questions but now, if he does ask, I do answer them honestly. I need my support crew close. We have been married 15 years, he has been my best mate since The day we met 😊

    Finding your friendship here has certainly been a turning point in my journey too. When I first lost it I said to my boss, I felt like I needed to find a way to better use the energy my anxiety generated, I though about more study and volunteering but nothing seamed to fit. Since being part of this... It fits, it's the missing part of the puzzle. Being supported by and being able to offer support in return to someone that really gets It was what I was looking for.
    C.
  10. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    73 posts
    22 May 2020 in reply to Catie 08

    Your friendship means a lot to me too C. Your lucky to have someone like that, I’m sure there have been times where it’s all a bit crazy but it’s awesome you have that support from your husband 🙂

    icehouse, good song and I can see how it could mean that to you. It’s crazy how you can remember an exact moment and everything about it when it comes to a song and the impact it had on you.
    mine is the pretenders- I’ll stand by you.
    When your standing at the crossroads

    and don’t know which path to choose,

    let me come along

    cause even if your wrong

    I’ll stand by you

    and so many more verses. That song came on the radio when I was driving on a quiet road way too fast with some pretty dark tears flowing and a pretty determined end in sight. One of those hit the breaks and rethink moments, was almost like I was meant to hear it at that exact moment.
    Guess i should have listened a bit harder to the lyrics and let people in, always wanted to, just couldn’t quite get there. I know you understand that, it’s comforting to be able to just say it all and not have to explain why 🙂

    miserable day here today, windy, rainy and cold lol. Guess it’s a day for doing some writing. Still have two weeks to burn!!!!

    hope your feeling less muddled than you were two days ago, you know I’m always here and up for a chat whenever you want or need, it’s really quite strange but I’ll quote my pretenders again,

    “Take me in into your darkest hour,

    and I’ll never desert you,

    Ill stand by you”.

    i guess i see me in you C. I’ve had so many people tell me they care, that they are here and it’ll all be ok. I’ve never had someone I could believe, never felt that it’s ok to not be ok some days. But it is, our chats actually make me realise that the struggle actually helps, that it’s ok to cry, because if we don’t, we will never heal.
    Thanks C, your a thousand miles away but your words are closer than those of ones so near.
    have a good day.

  11. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    65 posts
    22 May 2020 in reply to Richie01
    Hi Richie, feeling like a bit of a zombie tonight. A long day in the vertial office so I'm sorry if I don't make sense!
    I wish I had your version of cold - it was 5 degrees and a frost this morning when I started work - winter is coming❄
    We had a presentation at work - the resilience project. I really enjoyed it. They talk about having gratitude, empathy and mindfulness. They have an app (yes, I downloaded it) each day they ask you how your feeling and why you feel like that (labeling your feeling is something I have done in therapy before). They ask you what went well today and what you are grateful for. Then you do a short meditation (also something that I do already). Not sure that it would be your thing but I'm going to add it to my tool kit 😊

    I hope you had a better day today.

    You said in your last post how you always wanted to let others in but never quiet for there, I get it. I always felt I would carry this on my own forever. I'm still not open with everyone but look at what can happen in 6 months. Even by being open here, it is progress. You never know what the future will hold, one day at a time 😊
    C.
  12. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    73 posts
    23 May 2020 in reply to Catie 08

    Hey,

    Bet you can’t wait for winter lol. Can’t say I envy that you have those temperatures.
    sounds like a good program they have put on, everything helps 🙂

    my day was hectic. Had a real messy night, let the cat out of the bag with the people I’m staying with, I had a proper ball my eyes out break down. Feel so so so awkward right now, just want to pack up and disappear but I won’t. Still, can’t find the strength to face them at the moment, such a helpless feeling but at least it’s out.....

    kids are all sick with a flu so I won’t be seeing them today, raining too so I’ll let them stay at home with their mum. Probably better that way today anyway, you know how it is.
    Any plans for the weekend? I’m tempted to take the boat out even if it is freezing and raining(sorry, freezing doesn’t really compare to your weather but it is cold lol).

    i suppose I should regroup and show my face, put on a smile and carry on time 🙂

    have a good day C.

  13. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    65 posts
    23 May 2020 in reply to Richie01
    Oh Richie, I wish I could give you a huge hug right now.. Perhaps a vertial one ((((HUG)))). That is huge! I know it probably feels impossible and completely overwhelming but I'm proud of you. Remember that this is your story and your journey and only you will know when the right time is to let people in. You are in control of this (I know it probably doesn't feel like that most of the time). I remember you saying that your friends are older than you, can I ask if they were supportive? I hope they were. It was incredibly brave of you and such a big step. Each time you choose to share your story and let people in you are also choosing your support crew, you are on your path to making all of this bearable. Take it easy today, all of this is exhausting. I'll check back in later to see how your going
    C.
  14. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    73 posts
    23 May 2020 in reply to Catie 08
    Yeah, it’s exhausting for sure. I never cry, now it’s all I seem to do!!! They are older, really great people actually. They were as supportive as they could be, feels strange that they know... but yeah, it’s part of it I guess. Don’t really know where my heads is at with all of this, muddled is definitely the theme of the day. Just gotta keep busy 🙂 Been landscaping their place, massive block right on the river and needs some tlc. Been great to have the work to do while on break. I think I’d have lost the plot by now doing nothing.
    Have you had a good day? Thanks for being here, I don’t deserve it but it’s amazing to have someone to just talk through things with. I’ve never had that before.
  15. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    65 posts
    23 May 2020 in reply to Richie01
    Hi Richie, im glad that you have been keeping busy today. I bet you feeling completely wrecked tonight. It was a huge step to open up like that so remember to take care of yourself.

    I had a very wise person once say to me that it's ok to be muddled and he was totally right. It's a confusing time, one foot in front of the other, it will get easier.

    Please don't ever think you dont deserve a friendly ear. We are helping each other and we all deserve a friend esspecially when things are tough.

    Do you have therapy again before you go back to work?

    I hope your little people are feeling better soon and you can spend some more time with them soon.

    I spent the day painting big beams with stuff to get rid of rust. I'm covered it it now but it wasn't so bad, It was cold but The sun was out and we had the music cranking which made it fun. (Sorry neighbours!)

    Here when you need a chat.
    C.


  16. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    65 posts
    23 May 2020
    Omg, powderfinger one night lonley show on YouTube now eekkkkk!!! 🥳
  17. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    73 posts
    23 May 2020 in reply to Catie 08

    Yep. They are awesome. Used to have every cd they put out. God I’m old lol.
    Your awesome C. That wise person really did get it. Thanks for reminding me who I am.

    I really am glad we met, a world apart but singing the same song.
    have a great night, if nothing else, know that you’ve made mine 😊

  18. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    65 posts
    24 May 2020 in reply to Richie01
    Hi Richie,
    I'm super excited, I just got tickets to see the Rubans later in the year (Happy happy happy!! 🥳), oh and did I mention I was a little bit please about it 🤣. I've been singing their songs on repeat for months, it's going to be awesome!!!

    The power was out here for most of the day so it was a good day to curl up in front of the woodheater.

    I hope you had a good day?

    Chat soon C.
  19. Richie01
    Richie01 avatar
    73 posts
    26 May 2020

    So, tomorrow I see a psychologist in person for the first time in ten years. I’ve done the completely abstract zoom calls for a while but that’s like painting a house with a toothbrush.
    im a man, I’m tough, I can open up... BS, I’m that scared I’m actually having a panic attack. I’m going over the excuses I could use to skip it right now. I want to move forward, I want help, I need help but I don’t want anyone to “see” me.
    how does something in our minds have the power to cripple and confuse us so quickly and completely. It’s a memory! Why can they still touch me today?I’m so lost, can this ever end? Even trying to explain this to someone, god it sounds stupid, like come one, get over it....... but the truth is so much more complex. I love life, I love my children, I love my ex. Yet I hate my life, I hate the dreams, the panic attacks, the endless self worth.

    i honestly feel like a volcano ready to erupt, there won’t be a trail of destruction tho, I doubt anyone would even notice. Just a guy with an empty stare, that’ll be my aftermath. God I’m scared about tomorrow, it’s not even funny!!!

    If you could close your eyes so tight, that fear was trapped within,
    fight off what so few others might,
    the few who here have been,
    step softly over broken broken glass,
    From every shattered dream,
    the shards of pain that will not pass, through hurts unbroken stream,
    my eyes that used to close so tight,
    Hid
    life’s unsheltered pain,
    I cannot close now hold true sight,
    of what I must retain,
    I know those times are over now,
    that they cannot touch me,
    but my eyes can’t forget somehow, the fear is all they see,
    most will not ever see the light,
    that comes from darkest sin,
    and most will never know this fight, that rages deep within.
    that smile we wear with open eyes,
    is hiding our lost hope,
    from when we lost our only prize,
    of knowing how to cope.
    so say now that you feel for me,
    say that I’m not alone,
    Say words of what you cannot see,
    and promise me a home.
    home growing up was a playground,
    where darkness came to me,
    A place where innocence was found,
    and taken almost free.
    no price from them was paid for
    me, all they did was take,
    I pay now for I can’t un-see,
    the child that men did break.
    I close my eyes and see the times,
    where home was raped away,
    so promise me a thousand times,
    a home that’s safe to stay.

    sorry, this is how I express me when I’m scattered and yeah, I’m scattered! Maybe it will All be better tomorrow 🤞

    thanks for being here guys.

  20. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    2114 posts
    26 May 2020 in reply to Richie01
    Hi Richie01, 

    Thank you for reaching out here tonight in your scattered state. We are sorry to hear that you are feeling scared about tomorrow, and we are also so happy to hear that you are seeing a psychologist tomorrow. We think you are so strong. 

    What an amazing poem - we think it's a great way to express yourself. In case you hadn't seen it yet, we have a great poetry thread here on the forums you might be interested in -  "The poetry corner" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/bb-social-zone/the-poetry-corner---post-your-poems-in-here

    Maybe reading through some of the poems or contributing some of your own will be able to steal your focus for a little while. 

    We are all wishing you strength and luck for tomorrow. Please know that you are not alone, we are all behind you. Feel free to keep us updated here whenever you feel up to it.
  21. Catie 08
    Catie 08 avatar
    65 posts
    26 May 2020 in reply to Richie01
    Hi Richie,

    You've got this! I'm really proud of you for sticking with the therapy. I don't pretend that it's going to be easy, it's not. It's bloody scary but I hear you... I hear that your ready for this to stop now, your ready to have control. I know we have talked about this before but ive been to many therapist over the years but it wasnt until i was trully ready, trully commited to making things right that I started to see results and I hear that your on the same path just nipping at my heals. The first time I saw my recent therapist I just walked in and when he asked me what had brought me to his office I just spilled out years of pain and heartache. It certainly made him sit back in his chair, I guess he has a lot of people that hardly talk but I needed it to stop, I needed to get better. The next time I went I told him I wanted to stay there and just hash it all out until it was done (not practical of course) but I was so determined to make things right. Not every session will be productive, some will be blood tough, but it WILL be worth it. Although you are feeling scared I only see how brave you are. Your not doing this alone. Your support crew is here for you, for the good and the bad. We've got you and you've got this.

    Please let us know how you go tomorrow. You will probably be exhausted afterwards so please remember to take care of yourself.

    C.

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