So, tomorrow I see a psychologist in person for the first time in ten years. I’ve done the completely abstract zoom calls for a while but that’s like painting a house with a toothbrush.
im a man, I’m tough, I can open up... BS, I’m that scared I’m actually having a panic attack. I’m going over the excuses I could use to skip it right now. I want to move forward, I want help, I need help but I don’t want anyone to “see” me.
how does something in our minds have the power to cripple and confuse us so quickly and completely. It’s a memory! Why can they still touch me today?I’m so lost, can this ever end? Even trying to explain this to someone, god it sounds stupid, like come one, get over it....... but the truth is so much more complex. I love life, I love my children, I love my ex. Yet I hate my life, I hate the dreams, the panic attacks, the endless self worth.
i honestly feel like a volcano ready to erupt, there won’t be a trail of destruction tho, I doubt anyone would even notice. Just a guy with an empty stare, that’ll be my aftermath. God I’m scared about tomorrow, it’s not even funny!!!
If you could close your eyes so tight, that fear was trapped within,
fight off what so few others might,
the few who here have been,
step softly over broken broken glass,
From every shattered dream,
the shards of pain that will not pass, through hurts unbroken stream,
my eyes that used to close so tight,
Hid life’s unsheltered pain,
I cannot close now hold true sight,
of what I must retain,
I know those times are over now,
that they cannot touch me,
but my eyes can’t forget somehow, the fear is all they see,
most will not ever see the light,
that comes from darkest sin,
and most will never know this fight, that rages deep within.
that smile we wear with open eyes,
is hiding our lost hope,
from when we lost our only prize,
of knowing how to cope.
so say now that you feel for me,
say that I’m not alone,
Say words of what you cannot see,
and promise me a home.
home growing up was a playground,
where darkness came to me,
A place where innocence was found,
and taken almost free.
no price from them was paid for me, all they did was take,
I pay now for I can’t un-see,
the child that men did break.
I close my eyes and see the times,
where home was raped away,
so promise me a thousand times,
a home that’s safe to stay.
sorry, this is how I express me when I’m scattered and yeah, I’m scattered! Maybe it will All be better tomorrow 🤞
thanks for being here guys.