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Forums / PTSD & Trauma / A year after the attack, I’m still so angry, hating myself, pushing people away,

Topic: A year after the attack, I’m still so angry, hating myself, pushing people away,

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. Ayla_
    Ayla_ avatar
    1 posts
    15 November 2020

    Hi all.
    I’ve read some posts here and it’s been pretty good to feel connected and read of shared experiences, but I thought I’d put some words to my own pain.

    Part one

    I hate myself. Hate how I look. Hate I can’t have another identity.

    Even this nasty self-talk reminds me of the attack from over a year ago – saying to him, “I’m ugly, I’ve put on weight, go have sex with your wife”. It’s a horrible cycle.

    I know I’m not symmetrical but I can’t get over this disgust, I’m sure it’s 90% valid, objective.

    I’m considering getting a nose job (and fillers, eye lift) which just fills my feed with dreams of being less disgusting. I’m afraid it’ll be too painful and expensive, and I’ll still look ugly.

    I want to hide. That’s the crux of it.

    Second part

    It’s not fair. I was raped in France, the police were revolting then and afterwards – they literally misplaced my case.

    And he’s not charged. His family never has to believe what he did to me.

    My friends, a year in and knowing all the details, still get to question why I’m not friends with those ‘friends’ who didn’t support me.

    I’m beyond angry and just over it. I’ve withdrawn. I could tell them but why? Another average conversation, seems like I’m upset. Are they even worth it, if they’re asking that?


    I was on the trip of a lifetime, visiting a very old friend, throwing in some extra visits to meet his fam too.

    One drunken night, the only night in the entire trip where I just stupidly trusted and let loose, after vomiting on myself, I pass out in my bed in his spare bedroom.

    I’m only half aware of him fooling around with his wife next to me, like what the hell, I’ll just ignore it. And then he starts raping me.

    The first French policewoman I spoke to said it’s hard to rape a woman.

    And there’s nothing I can do about it – not now, from the safeness of my Australian bedroom. The embassy helped translate but it’s now up to me to find a costly French lawyer if I personally want to pursue it?

    Well. That’s some of my story. I’ve been through counselling when anxiety and PTSD was debilitating. But now I’m here, and it sucks.

    - A

  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    4133 posts
    15 November 2020 in reply to Ayla_
    Hi Ayla,

    Welcome to our online community. We are so sorry to hear about what you have been through and that upon seeking the help of the police in France you were not supported the way that you should have been. We are so glad that you had the courage to reach out here - we hear you and we believe you.

    We hear that you've been through counselling - can we ask if you are currently receiving mental health support? If you need some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website:  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

    If you are ever having a moment where you're feeling overwhelmed and you need to talk it through, we would recommend that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to support to women who have been through trauma like this. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or

    Thank you for having the courage to reach out here today and open up to the community. Please know that this a safe space. Feel free to keep us updated here on your thread when you're feeling up to it.
  3. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    9526 posts
    19 November 2020 in reply to Ayla_

    Dear Ayla~

    I guess the first and most important thing to say is I believe you, the circumstances, the way you talk and your reactions all lead me to believe the entire episode is true. I was a policeman (in Australia) and would take you on face value if I'd met you on duty.

    I don't believe you are ugly, or at least I think your perception of yourself and desire to change your body with surgery is wrong. Rather than hope to hide, hope to get a better life.

    If you had reached the stage, as I have, that I can look back without the anager and self-hate, then might be the time to make such judgments.

    I'm not saying my cause -different to yours- has vanished, just the reactions are milder and I can deal with them in a balanced way. For example suicide is not an option, neither is outright self-hate.

    I can give and receive support, love and be loved, take satisfaction in accomplishing the things I need to do.

    This doe not mean i don't remember but had, with the help of others, balance and perception.

    I'm going on about myself to try to show you that such a desirable state is possible, for you and many others.

    The French police? Not interested, that simple.

    Your friends, the ones that beleive do not have the experience to realise that you cannot form relationships with the others that don't. They are not bad people and may have many worthwhile qualities, but in understanding your ordeal and its effects are simply too limited.

    I know you have had counseling, but by the sound of it it was a question of too little to late. Don't worry, I steered clear of proper help for far too long deliberately.

    May I suggest you try to get proper treatment, from someone who specializes in rape and trauma. I had a GP (or GPs) and two long term psychiatrists (two because one moved). I was lucky and 'clicked ' with both, trusted them after a while and they helped -a lot.

    Finding ones to trust is hard, may take several goes, but is worth it. Your life can be so much better.

    I hope to talk with you some more.


    They, plus the (finally) right meds leave me with a good life.

  4. Sleepy21
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Sleepy21 avatar
    2584 posts
    20 November 2020 in reply to Croix

    Hey Ayla -

    i know it sucks

    it sucks and isn't fair.
    And then a system that literally doesn't care - "It's hard to rape a woman?" unacceptable and offensive comment. And yet I'm not surprised, and I know that there are those that say these things. But these are not the only people. There is an entire huge chunk of the population who will believe and support you and I hope you find them>

    I just wanted to ask is it possible to hold off on the fillers/cosmetic surgery until you feel better... i had some cosmetic stuff done when I was deep in my PTSD and I regre them - I was not thinking straight and didn't have the energy to choose the best professional etc...
    Now I'm stronger and I can plan things properly. i don't want any surgeries now.
    I have PTSD also and yes it absolutely sucks. I'm so sorry A for what you have been through. How do you feel and think about it now in Australia? Angry? Hurt? Own whatever you feel and don't let anyone tell you it's not warranted.
    You deserve to feel and yes it sucks to have been in France and gaslit and denied your truth by an uncaring system. I'm so sorry you went through that and wish you a lot less pain, and greater support and understanding. No one should feel not believed like that. We hear you and believe you, truly.

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