I’ve read some posts here and it’s been pretty good to feel connected and read of shared experiences, but I thought I’d put some words to my own pain.
I hate myself. Hate how I look. Hate I can’t have another identity.
Even this nasty self-talk reminds me of the attack from over a year ago – saying to him, “I’m ugly, I’ve put on weight, go have sex with your wife”. It’s a horrible cycle.
I know I’m not symmetrical but I can’t get over this disgust, I’m sure it’s 90% valid, objective.
I’m considering getting a nose job (and fillers, eye lift) which just fills my feed with dreams of being less disgusting. I’m afraid it’ll be too painful and expensive, and I’ll still look ugly.
I want to hide. That’s the crux of it.
It’s not fair. I was raped in France, the police were revolting then and afterwards – they literally misplaced my case.
And he’s not charged. His family never has to believe what he did to me.
My friends, a year in and knowing all the details, still get to question why I’m not friends with those ‘friends’ who didn’t support me.
I’m beyond angry and just over it. I’ve withdrawn. I could tell them but why? Another average conversation, seems like I’m upset. Are they even worth it, if they’re asking that?
I was on the trip of a lifetime, visiting a very old friend, throwing in some extra visits to meet his fam too.
One drunken night, the only night in the entire trip where I just stupidly trusted and let loose, after vomiting on myself, I pass out in my bed in his spare bedroom.
I’m only half aware of him fooling around with his wife next to me, like what the hell, I’ll just ignore it. And then he starts raping me.
The first French policewoman I spoke to said it’s hard to rape a woman.
And there’s nothing I can do about it – not now, from the safeness of my Australian bedroom. The embassy helped translate but it’s now up to me to find a costly French lawyer if I personally want to pursue it?
Well. That’s some of my story. I’ve been through counselling when anxiety and PTSD was debilitating. But now I’m here, and it sucks.