I feel like i know everything there is to know about ptsd. This is not a good thing. This isn't pride. I have been going to counsellors for more than 10 years. Good ones. I can meditate and be mindful. The large block of pain will sometimes dissipate or go away as i observe it without trying to change it. The tension that developed in my neck won't. It is chronic now. But i can get relief with time and space. But it is not possible to sit 24 hours meditating on my pain. I do not have the means on any normal week.

Actually it is clear that the crucial element always missing is that i need social support. I have been trying and failing for maybe 5 years. When i attempted to get my best friend to meet up more often so i could connect more deeply she was angry. "i don't have time" or something. She recently has been lonely and apologised for the way she reacted. But i feel we are past that connection i was trying to forge now. I don't really trust her. I have trouble trusting ppl. I lived 10 years with a genuine sociopath while being helpless.

My girlfriend does give me comfort. She is understanding. She also has ptsd. She has an anger problem. She has a time management problem, a drug problem, a resultant money problem and low energy to deal. So her connection is real but her support is very limited. She needs to get help herself but procrastinates on that for obvious reasons. And i am also low on energy when supporting her.

People in everyday life are very cruel. I take as compassionate an approach to ppl as possible. Mental illness will not make me sacrifice my values of kindness and understanding. Such an approach to life doesn't eliminate cruel people. It makes it harder to understand people though. I feel very alone.

Anyway i don't think i'm depressed. I am very sad, literally alone and mainly, very very anxious. After 2 good days of meditating as I am on winter break i felt very positive. Somehow my nightmares became worse though. Last night i could not will myself to sleep. And now i just feel like this uphill battle is never ending. I don't trust anyone to treat me with as much respect and effort as i treat them. I just don't think a person like me can be happy in this world. There isn't enough space to breathe, feel safe and recover. It isn't really fair that i have to keep enduring this pain for others' sake when no one has really helped me. And yes i have been quite open about my mental illness. It hasn't made a difference at all.

Hello Kimlip,

Welcome to the forums. I'm really sorry to hear how you are feeling after 10 years with PTSD. I understand you are feeling really exhausted with no space or time to just recover a bit. You are right - it is very unfair that you have to keep enduring this pain, though I do not think you should do it for others' sake. I am not sure what you mean by that. But regardless, you absolutely deserve to have a bit of peace and quiet and I am really sad to hear you have not been able to experience this in the last 10 years.

But it is good to hear that you are able to isolate one of the big problems, namely not having social support. I say it is good, because you've definitely come to the right place to try and find some support. It's not the same as having friends in person, but I hope you can meet some people here who you may consider to be your online friends, just the same.

If I may make a suggestion, one of the best ways to use these forums is to read about other people's stories, and to talk to each other. I am not sure if you've had a chance to do this yet, but you may be able to find other people who you can relate to.

Also, I wanted to ask if you have ever been a part of a support group?

James

Sorry if the way I write this comes off as ungrateful, your response probably took some time and is appreciated. But i will write kind of briefly because i feel exhausted.

For others' sake means that if i was only concerned with the effect of suicide on myself then i would just go ahead. But unlike most ppl most of the time i do genuinely want my tiny piece of existence to be non-harmful and i know suicide would be harmful to numerous others.

Thanks for the suggestions. Bit low on energy at the moment and somewhat only came here to vent. I haven't been part of a support group before no. Take care

Hi kimlip,

You're a caring person to consider others before yourself. As I read through you're first post I thought u have so much value in being able to recognise the world as I also sometimes see it- as being cruel. We have obv had some cruel things happen to believe this.

Low energy can be built on and expanded. Time and space can be achievable...we have to be selfish and give that to ourselves.

Healing is a wonderful thing and I think we both deserve this.

You are kind to still be there for your girl who also has a lot of her own stuff to deal with.

With space...and...time...and...recovery your outlook on life and people could change.

I used to have nightmares myself but don't as much anymore. If it's possible for me it's also possible for you.

Always feel free to chat some more. We are listening.

Hey kimlip,

Thank you for your response. No, it didn't come off as ungrateful at all though I appreciate your concern.

As monkey_magic said, we are listening to you and will be here for you if you'd like to vent some more, or whatever you need.

James