Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Forums / PTSD & Trauma / Alone depressed confused greaving

Topic: Alone depressed confused greaving

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. Frenchy89
    Frenchy89 avatar
    2 posts
    8 November 2020
    I met the mother of my children at age 23 and was with her for 7 years. We have 3 kids together. The last pregnancy she became very nasty towards me and also very sexually promiscuous. I was working 12 hour days and she was seeing another man on the side. I still stayed with her and two months later my baby boy was born and he was absolutely perfect in every way. Mum had complications with the cesarean and got sepsis. I took time off work and cared for our newborn while she got better. 2 months after our sons birth she seeing this other guy again and even introduced him to our children while I was at work. I was tired and stressed and heartbroken and I moved out to show her I'm not going to put up with her crap. She moved interstate a week later and got an AVO against me so she didn't need my consent moving the kids interstate. 3 months after she left I get a very distressing phone call from the hospital telling me my that my baby boy was found with severe head trauma and his heart had stopped. there was a 75% chance he is going to pass. The cause was mum got with yet another guy and left my baby boy alone with this monster. My baby was upset and was crying so this creature hurt him. When I walked in to the ICU he was unrecognisable and was on life support. I was told all he will ever be is lungs breathing and a heart beating. 6 months has passed and he is still with us but extremely disabled. The kids were taken off their mother and because she mentioned drugs in the AVO(iv been clean for 7 years) they weren't brought back to me either. They are temporarily in the care of the grandparents but all 3 will be moved to a foster home soon. Child protection services told me i couldn't cope caring for my son his needs are to high.
    This has really broke me. Some days the waves of emotions I feel when I think of what my baby went through is torture. Several times now iv passed a mother pushing a newborn in the supermarket or down the street and I just burst into tears. I don't have any family for support and have been trying to get through this on my own.
    I don't know if helps talking about it or it just makes it worse.
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6838 posts
    8 November 2020 in reply to Frenchy89

    Welcome to the forums Frenchy89, we're so glad you decided to reach out here tonight. We are incredibly sorry to hear what your child has been through, and how much pain you're in right now. This is something that no parent should ever have to go through, and we can only imagine how devastated and hurt you must be feeling. We really hope that it might help to be able to talk these feelings through in this safe space, and please know that our caring community is here to offer as much support, advice, and conversation as you need through this.

    We'd also really encourage you to reach out to our understanding friends at Griefline on 1300 845 745, who offer counselling support services free of charge to individuals who are experiencing loss, grief and/or trauma. One of the friendly counsellors will be able to help offer support, and can also provide you with advice and referrals for ongoing help and support through this. We also hope that you always feel welcome to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service to talk things through. The lovely counsellors are available 24/7, day or night, on 1300 22 4636 or also through Webchat (3pm-12am AEST) at: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport 

    We hope that you can find some comfort in these forums, and in the words of kindness and support from our community. Please also feel free to keep checking back in with us to let us know how you are going, whenever you feel up to it. We're all here to help you through this.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    Croix avatar
    11081 posts
    18 November 2020 in reply to Frenchy89

    Dear Frenchy89~

    First let me say my heart goes out to you, your situation is one nobody should have to face

    At the moment you are full of anger, hopelessness, frustration, blame and probably feel those against your self as well as the mother and the monster who so harmed your baby son.

    It is not a good time to think and plan, so I would suggest you get proper help to deal with Child Protection Services. If you want to be the father of your kids and have them live with you, then get Legal Aid, or Community Legal Services to help you to prove you are of good character and are capable of looking after at least two of your children.

    The third, your little by, might be an open question, he may in fact need specialist care long-term.

    Do you get on well with the grandparents? If so a united front would be a big help, as would arrangements between you for problem days due to work.

    AVOs are untested allegations, and so the above might be a path to consider.

    It may be you have done this already, if so I apologize, if not then consider the matter.

    Your own mental state and health do not sound good, and I'd be surprised if Griefline did not suggest you see your GP and explain the situation, it is not like someone passing away, it is an ongoing heart-break.

    Try to be kind to yourself (that means food, exercise, sleep and distraction (books, movies, pets, whatever you happen to like), and if you have anyone who can give you support, family or freind, then seek it out. It is better when not trying to face all this alone.

    I hope you come back and talk some more

    Croix

    2 people found this helpful
  4. Frenchy89
    Frenchy89 avatar
    2 posts
    7 December 2020
    Haven't had time to see the doctor yet. Coming up towards Christmas it is the busiest time of the year. I'm finding myself spending more time at work regularly. I think I'm using it as a distraction because most days I don't want to go home to an empty house and be by myself. Feel stuck so to speak. My life almost feels like groudhog's day and I'm in auto pilot. I just need a break from this repetitive daily cycle I'm constantly living.
    I know holding hate and anger towards the guy who done this is toxic to my mind and body so I try not to think of him as much as possible. What I can't control are the little unpredictable triggers that out of nowhere have me standing in that hospital room with my son again and just feeling the most horrible deepest sadness I've ever felt.
    I'm a good honest hard working Aussie battler. I don't understand why all this is happening. Things like this shouldn't happen to babies why did this happen to my baby?
    I miss my kids like crazy and them not being in my life everyday is making all this so much harder.
    The child trauma police investigaters have finally enough evidence and have charged the guy that done this and he is behind bars looking at 14 years. This means the kids mother is no longer a suspect and she will potentially get custody of the kids again.
    And it will most likely go back to how it was before my son was injured and I got 1 phone call a month to speak with my kids.



    This is currently my life.

    It wasn't always like this.

    And it won't stay like this.

    Things will get better.

  5. Guest_1643
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Guest_1643 avatar
    4854 posts
    7 December 2020 in reply to Frenchy89

    Hi Frenchy - the pain you must feel for ur children must be immense- and for ur baby who you love so dearly
    Grief like this is hard. I think it's healthy to cry and be angry and grieve and let it all out - I hpe it doesn't make you feel worse to share here.

    Are u able to have any contact with ur children?
    I agree it would help to get some legal help if possible.

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up