Hi, I ve had about 12 years of misery in my life, excluding being sexually exploited at 6 years of age, an alcoholic father, a toxic environment growing up, dating wrong men all my life, to Paint the picture, I have been absolutely misrable most of my life. Now things are different I am over 30 and never really experienced true happiness in my life. I am a misrable person, I attract misrable people. I am so unhappy with the life I am living that I cry internally every waking minute of my life. I curse the day I was conceived and born, why was I made to live like this, most people tell me it's fate, askgod for forgiveness, but in all honesty I have never done anyone wrong. Even people that have used and abused me, I have never done them wrong. This can't be karma. Now I have this addiction where I make anyone who is mildly even connected to me misrable, I make my partner misrable I make my family misrable. How do I stop, how do I become happy. I am so unhappy, if Shakespeare wrote my life it would be the Prefect tragedy one of the classics. I feel Some people only born into this world to be misrable so other people who get everything at the right time can feel better about their perfect little lives. I think God forgot to write any peace into my life. I just seek peace and happiness, even though it evades me every single day. I always remember that famous saying misery seeks company, I guess I am misery indeed.

Roo123

Welcome to this forum and many thanks for writign this honest thread and reaching out.

Firstly I am sorry it has taken this long to reply and this has nothing to do with your post but it sometimes happen.

I can relate a bit to feeling miserable. You have experienced such an awful childhood and it is no wonder you feel this way.

The encouraging thing is you are reaching out and dont want to be miserable so you have an insight into how you think.

I have bipolar and used to very manic with chaos resulting. So then I went from high as a kite, a fun person at the party to being negative so much people would say I was not much fun any more."

You have so much sadness and trauma . Have you had any medical help .

I assume you partner does not find you miserable as they are staying with you/.

I have no medical expertise but like most p[eople here we have lived experience.

Please feel free to keep posting here as much as you like.

Quirky

Dear Roo

Hello and welcome to the forum. I join Quirky in apologies for letting your post go unanswered for so long. It's not good and certainly no reflection on you or your post,

No one deserves the horrible things that have happened to you. It's definitely wrong and I feel so sad for your life and the misery it has brought you. As Quirky commented, your partner does not find you miserable otherwise he would not stay. Rightly or wrongly I presume he loves and cares about you. Do you have any children?

I think when someone has been exposed to such awful abuse they often feel it must be their fault. Why else would they be picked on. Not at all true. There are bad people who prey on children and other vulnerable people. It's certainly not their fault just as it is not your fault.

I can understand a little how unloved you feel. No one can fully enter another's emotions and know all about them. We all have our own experiences with their attendant joys and hurts. What I do know from my own experience is that being happy is hard work. All the bad things that happen can so easily swamp and overwhelm us until it seems there is nothing good ever going to happen.

Can you think of any good thing in your life? I imagine it has been good to meet your partner and be loved by him. What else can you think of or remember? Small incidents can mean a lot. I remember going to the cinema with my boyfriend and sitting there with his arm around me. I felt loved and happy in that embrace and as you can see, I have not forgotten it. These small joys give meaning to our lives and each one contributes to our happiness. Can I ask you to think of any occasion when you felt cared for no matter how small the event seems.

Make a list of these moments and re-read them often. It is good to remember no matter how long ago or how small. I remember my dog putting his head on my knee when I was unhappy. That gesture made me smile and hug the dog. They do know when you are hurting and offer their kind of comfort. Do you have a dog or any pet? Maybe you could consider this.

It seems to me you need someone somewhere to listen to you recount your story. To help you explore this dark time and help you to let it go to live a happier life. I know this will not be easy. I know my experience of utter betrayal had me angry with just about anyone. The trouble with this is that it only hurts me or you. Those who have harmed you probably don't care.

I have run out of space. Will write more later.

Mary