Hi,

Not sure how to explain myself it’s a subject I can’t even discuss with my partner or family.
My sister and I spent our childhood being mistreated and raised in an unsafe environment. With our parents divorced early life was tough especially with drugs and alcohol involved. There are a lot of things kids probably shouldn’t be witnessed to even at an early age of 6. But unfortunately those were the cards we were delt. Now 18 years after I’m married with my own son. And yet everyday for many years I continue to wake up feeling sad and worthless. Some social anxiety and trouble fitting in and communicating with people. I can never forget or let go those bad days my sister and I had. Sometimes I find myself frozen in the car unable to get out. Or laying in bed thinking I should of ended it years ago before starting a family. I know now what not to be when raising my son but I just can never get over it or feel any better.

Welcome BI8ke,

Thanks for joining us here tonight and for sharing your journey with us here. It was very brave of you to do so and we are so sorry to hear how much you are being impacted by your difficult childhood. Please know that you are valuable and there is support available to you.

Can we ask if you are receiving any mental health support at the moment, or have you in the past? If you need some support figuring out how to do this, please do get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

We hope you'll find our valued forums community helpful as this is a safe, non-judgmental and supportive place. Please feel free to reach out here whenever you're feeling up to it. 

Hello Bl8ke,

A very warm and caring welcome to the forums..

I’m sorry you had to go that as a child...your right their are many things that children witness and/or experience that they never should have to...

I went through many horrible things when I was a child, and I’m 64 now..and it still does effect me some days..I started counselling for both my childhood and abusive marriage..which is helping me so much...It’s still a long road I’m traveling on, but moving forward I am..

Do you have professional people caring for your mental health and what your feeling and thinking about yourself..if not is it something that you might consider, talking to your GP about..so he/she can start you on a mental health care plan....I tried hard to “fix” myself without professional help and well..let’s say I failed...With help I’m feeling better about myself and who I am...

Please don’t feel worthless dear Bl8ke...that’s your depression telling you that..and believe me depression lies to us...and we are not defined by our depression...We are so much stronger then it...

Its hard to let go Bl8ke...When my thoughts travel back to my abuse..I ground myself and find something to do that needs my full concentration..to take my mind of those horrid thoughts...

You have a beautiful son..if “you ended it” many years ago..you would not have the glorious honour of having or knowing your beautiful son....I think you going to be an amazing parent...

Please talk here anytime you feel up to it..We are here for you...

My kindest and most caring thoughts..Dear Bl8ke..

Grandy..

Bl8ke,
it took me 36yrs.
You are not alone.
The fact your asking is the start.
My age was 8, I think.
If I did explain or try to explain it with family or partner , it was brief.
It didn't help me, by accepting and talking on here I actually realised, I had a voice, I had people that understood.
Good on you for posting, that's the hardest bit.
I know it's a total mind boggle once you realise, Have you sort any help from the health system?

Hi Bl8ke,

Thank you so much for sharing here. I'm so deeply sorry for what you've experienced - it's so unfair that we are exposed to these things as children - we are so vulnerable, need so much help and have so little control over what's going on. I'm sorry that you're left as an adult to pick up the pieces and that you're still being thrown into flashback states. I know it may be hard to believe this from a relative stranger, but you are not worthless - you are surviving. You are coping. You are existing and doing your best in a world that has not been very kind to you.

It's very common for people who have had similar experiences to you to feel depressed, worthless, have trouble with others, to freeze and find it hard to trust people. This is how you have learned to feel. I'm a huge proponent for therapy (seeing a clinical psychologist - big medicare rebate for them!) but if you don't quite feel up to it, even reading books or listening to audiobooks might be helpful too - I'm currently listening to "Complex PSTD: from Surviving to Thriving" by Peter Walker - it's bringing up a lot of stuff and really hurts to listen to, but it's also incredibly cathartic and has helped so many people understand and validate their experiences and current coping strategies better.

Best of luck to you and I'll be here if you want to talk more,

Kat_