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Forums / PTSD & Trauma / Feeling trauma, grief, shame and a never ending headache.

Topic: Feeling trauma, grief, shame and a never ending headache.

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. DharawalBoy
    DharawalBoy avatar
    3 posts
    28 November 2019

    I am sorry it is going to be a bit long but I would like to share what I am going through. I was in a long distance relationship for 4 years with my best friend from school whom I knew for 8 years. Things got a bit bad 2 years ago when I found another charming girl here in Sydney but quickly I realised that I am doing something wrong, broke up with the girl and admitted it to her, obviously she heartbroken broke up and left me, I . The depression, guilt and shame completely crushed as I bunked uni classes and went behind a semester and thousands of dollars in Uni debt. I BEGGED for her forgiveness. A few months later she came back saying she has forgiven and wanted to spend her life with me. All things went fine for the next year albeit a few difficult days but things were going alright. She broke up soon before our wedding and then kept me on hold saying it is still a break. A few days ago she called me up and said she has found someone, which killed me. I made one last effort to sway her mind but it was to no avail and was instead abused for my mistakes. Meanwhile all this while, I was so concentrated on the relationship that I have fell so far behind in life, went into credit card debt of 10k and a mediocre career. I have had this headache for the last 2 years which won't fade away, and an intense feeling of guilt and shame (no one likes a disloyal person) which has developed in Insomnia and affects my day to day life.

    I have this array of unresolved emotions where I don't know what to do, also I did not look for any friend all these years and feel a lack of a support system. I don't know what I want from this post and it doesn't show the whole story either as it is too complex with my financial instability and responsibility towards family coming from a migrant background. I feel totally lost and helpless in life and have felt that for quite some time.

    I am scared to share my emotions with my friends again and again, and I feel so alone and I don't know if I should feel this weak.

    I don't know how to get rid of this shame and pain!

  2. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Croix avatar
    7667 posts
    28 November 2019 in reply to DharawalBoy

    Dear DharawalBoy~

    Welcome to the forum. I kw it must have been hard to talk about waht you think of as a series of failures, however on thinking about your story I have come to the conclusion that firstly things can improve out of sight and secondly I do not consider you an unfaithful person, quite the opposite.

    That attitude may come as a surprise to you so let's talk about that first. You had a best freind from school, a real person you you could be with , see, listen to and maybe even hold. Then things changed. Often school friendships stop right there as people go in different ways, You and your friend continued, but in a completely different way, as a long distance relationship, I'm guessing mainly via Skype or similar.

    This is simply not the same -nothing like. Also it is not immediate apparent how different it is. If you think on it you may realise what some of the major differences are. It is basically an unsatisfactory thing after being physically together.

    You stuck this out for 2 years, then felt the attractions of a living breathing person. Misguided loyalty made you break off and tell your freind, who did not display much understanding or empathy. OK so later she came back, however it looks like a long distance relationship was all she was prepared to have, and ended up stringing you along, then leaving for another. Not much "loyalty" there, thought to be fair she had probably found out too that a long term relationship was no substitute for a real person.

    I'd suppose this has been your only venture into romance and the loss and grief, together with misguided self-blame, have turned your life upside down. You have not been in the right place to make good decisions and are now suffering physical as well as mental effects.

    May I suggest you go see a GP in an extended consultation and describe what has been happening, all about your guilt, shame, poor decisions and physical effects. See what happens. I'd not be surprised if you found the whole matter had started to affect your mental health.

    The money? Well if it was me I"d go see a financial counselor in Anglicare and see what is best thing . The job? Maybe seeing a uni student councilor and find out your options. Perhaps there is room to continue part time

    I'll leave talking about family for another day. As far as I can see all you are guilty of is inexperience, something we go though and learn from.

    I hope you return and we talk some more

    Croix

    .

  3. DharawalBoy
    DharawalBoy avatar
    3 posts
    29 November 2019 in reply to Croix

    Thanks so much for your reply, Croix!

    It is intriguing to hear someone's aspect of what I am going through. What you said definitely makes sense to me. I do think I lacked maturity in the way how I handled the whole thing. We both were in love and were adamant to prove people wrong that long distance does work and the regret of being the one who killed the relationship has lived long with me. To tell you the truth, I made peace when she left 2 years ago as I felt I did her wrong and I have to pay the prize.

    I just feel that I did not need to go through the pain again and it hurts being strung along the way for a very long period of time. But I forgot to mention that the whole blame for the failure and the subsequent break was put on me, and me as a lovelorn person accepted the blame. I was being given false hope for a few months and was also abused for being a user and abuser when in fact I had never raised my voice against her ever, even in anger.

    But I kept on accepting the blame and abuse, just because I thought I deserved it completely for my misdemeanours. Funny part is that just before she left for another guy, she had started to rekindle our relationship and apparently dumped because she felt I could not give her the happiness which the other person is giving to her and other abuses were hurled at me which lowered my already low self-esteem. Also, there is a part of me like oh I should have just given her more happiness and she would have stuck by me. So there is that aspect too that I should have looked after myself more and be the alpha male type of a figure and on the other hand my head says you stuck long enough anyway. So there is just this wide variety of emotions that I am unable to deal with.

    There are lot of unresolved emotions and they are definitely taking a toll on me. But yes most of your assumptions are right. This was my first serious romantic relationship. And, yes it has turned my life upside down completely. There is a lot of pain and anger. I have booked an appointment with a GP for tomorrow and see how it goes.

    Look forward to hearing back from you.

    Thanks,

    Ari

  4. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Croix avatar
    7667 posts
    30 November 2019 in reply to DharawalBoy

    Dear Ari~

    I'm please you decided to go see your GP, A long consultation is worth booking and if you are like me trying to explain all face to face can seem very difficult, I get round this by writing a list and handing it over to discuss point by point.

    You do take on a lot of blame, and that's not justified, it does not mean you have to be an alpha male (they are not always that appealing anyway) , just try to remember that any relationship, long distance or close, is two equal people, each with responsibilities and hopefully care in their hearts. I can understand your begging, but in a way I'm relieved that did not realy work, it can be the start of a very unequal relationship.

    The liaison did not work, and hope plus inexperience plus distance were major factors in that. Not you failing to do this or that. It takes time to come to peace with all of this, there is a lot of different things you are thinking, however I get the feeling you are starting to see the situation as not just you failing -which is in any case untrue - but a set of unrealistic hopes coming to an end.

    You are a sensitive and caring soul and have an awful lot to offer the right person.

    I know there is a temptation to deal with just one thing at a time, however I'd suggest looking at your finances and uni position, both time-dependent things. You never know, straightening out one problem may help you to have he confidence you need with the others.

    I'd like to know how you get on if that's OK

    Croix

  5. DharawalBoy
    DharawalBoy avatar
    3 posts
    3 December 2019 in reply to Croix

    Dear Croix,
    Thanks again for your response.

    The GP consultation was definitely worth it. I tried your approach to explain things using a piece of paper for the start and it was a good conversation. It helped getting a better sense of things although for now the hurt remains and there is a lot of it. I break down in the middle of the day while working and there seems to be no way out.
    I just wish the break up was a bit more respectful and I wasn't strung along, at least that's what you expect from a friend. It is definitely inexperience from my end and something for me to learn for the future. I do not know how to cross this mountain of emotions. It is just constant hurt. And, there are physical symptoms too. I am living on panadols to get through the day.

    Right now, while writing this, I am having an emotional breakdown. And, my mind keeps on saying you should not be having this emotional breakdown. I am not sure how and when will I get out of this. It is the most hurtful thing I have ever gone through.

    I am starting to make a sense of lot of things. But at the same time, I feel emotionally wrecked. I do still feel a lot guilty about how things panned out but I admit to ignoring some red flags along the way which if I followed could have spared from a lot of hurt and heartache that I currently find myself in. No matter how much I vent, it does not seem to be enough.

    I have lost a lot of time, emotions and money on this. Also, I forgot to mention that the guy she is dating is a high profile rock band lead singer which makes a big dent on my self esteem. My only wish was that she never came back if she had to just strung me along until the end. It is just way too hard to comprehend this.
    All I know for now is I somehow have to start focusing on life which I am unable to focus on the right things. The GP has recommended seeing a psychologist but I am still unsure.

    Positives - I have just been offered a good job so that sorts out things but I am still finding it hard to concentrate and worried about how it would affect my work.

    I am still scared of making decisions in life due to a record of poor decisions in the past. I don't know what to do from hereon.

  6. Croix
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Croix avatar
    7667 posts
    3 December 2019 in reply to DharawalBoy

    Dear DharawalBoy~

    If I can make an observation, I think you ought to be called DharawalMan now, you are growing. A realtionship that went sour is part of the inexperience of youth, and the way the effects of it cascaded though your circumstances at the time, the uni, the money, are all part of the same thing.

    Now you are making your way out of it. Going to he GP was an excellent step, and if it was me I'd try the psych, sometimes other peoples' perspectives, particularly if they are skilled, can make a real difference.

    With a new better job finances may be a bit more manageable in time. Do you thing you will like the work itself?

    Being attracted to a rock singer is something a lot of young people do, it takes maturity to find they are basically the same as everyone else. You are no less worthy.

    Concentration will come, particularly if you get absorbed in the new job. And as for having meltdowns, yes, you have a hole in your heart and a great blow to your self-esteem, and that takes time -and fresh events - to heal. It's OK to feel bad. It was not all your doing by a long way.

    You will make decisions, like everyone else and some will be good, some not so. Without a crystal ball there is no alternative. We lean by what goes wrong ,and by what goes right.

    I realy hope you take the job and start to find a new page is turning in your life

    Croix

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