Someone who I'd been on a few dates with and I had a small disagreement where he reacted in a very manipulative way. I felt anxious. We ended up in his bedroom somehow then he was on top of me, grinding on me. ‘Stop’ then more forcefully, ‘Stop!’ He did, and I went home.
This was assault but at the time I didn’t realise so stupidly, I went back to his house later to apologise. We went to dinner then he wanted meet his family who’d be at his house soon. I still felt guilty so I agreed.
When we went to the house he wanted to ‘cuddle on the bed.’ Guiltly, I again agreed. I felt trapped by sick obligation. I’d been strategically manoeuvred and had no power. And then he was on top of me again, and my hand was undoing my shirt buttons like a slave.
But I knew it wasn’t right.
‘I don’t want your family to think badly of me’ I expressed my discomfort. In response he dragged a piece of furniture across the door. Then I’m in denial - this isn’t a ‘make up’ interaction, is it? I asked. This is something else, he told me. I gave up and became a yes-man. Do you want this? Do anything, just be gentle. Do you want that? Yes.
I have very strong sexual values so afterwards, I was in denial. I self-deceived saying that it had been my ‘most connected encounter’ and asked if he wanted reciprocation. I even met his family when they came.
He invited me to his house twice after that. Once to watch movies or study. Neither of those things eventuated because sexual contact was initiated.
And I complied. Sometimes I kissed him first. It’s almost like I knew it was coming and wanted to stop the threat before it happened. Something I now suspect is a fawn response. Sometimes, I felt powerless so I would request something during the encounters - a last ditch effort at control. But I wasn’t in control, I was a puppet being used. He didn’t care for me, it was lies. I was a piece of meat. I tried to convince myself that this person, as they kept implying, was my ‘the one’ but all it was self-deception to quell my anxiety.
Eventually, I asked him to take a step back, to put a hold on the physical so we could ‘get to know each other better because I'd never been ready for it. But just like when I’d tried to assert myself the first time, his reaction was emotionally volatile and manipulative.
After only a handful of dates, I found my strength and cut off contact.
I feel so responsible and silly now, because I ignored some very predatory red flags, but his behaviour just isn’t right, is it?

Thank you very much for your reply, I really appreciate it!

I've been dealing with this alone & I'm glad I decided to reach out. This is an incredibly supportive community and for that, I am so grateful. x

Thank you for the links, I really appreciate it. Best wishes.

Hello Croix,

Thank you so much for your reply.

You are right - I've learned some hard lessons about the types of people there are in the world.

Your supportive words have taken a weight off my heart. One thing that I've clung to is that when they feel unsafe or are manipulated, people behave in unusual ways to stay safe, or to cling to a sense of control. Add predatory/grooming behaviour to this and it is easy to be tricked, and difficult to think clearly.

I've really struggled with self-blame, but I really feel that all these factors blur my consent to this messy situation?

For now, though, I am back to my happy self, taking each day as it comes and enjoying the moment.

Thank you again x

Hi Janey_123,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for being here. I too am so sorry to read about what you went through and I'm glad that you decided to share about it here.

I'm thinking about what you talked about in fawning and manipulation - do you find that using those terms helps? Croix mentioned it being a label and limiting, and I can see that - but at the same time I can also see how learning about trauma responses can help reduce some of the blame and shame.

While your post was titled as a question, I feel like you have answered it for yourself too.

You did not deserve for this to happen, and this isn't your fault.

It can be so easy to see in hindsight what could have or should have happened - I think a lot of us see that in Domestic Violence relationships of "why don't you just leave?", but it's not until we are in an unsafe relationship that we realise how incredibly complicated it is.

I'm glad that you were able to get out of that situation now- taking each day as it comes and enjoying the moment sounds like an incredibly positive and optimistic attitude.

rt