I am currently living with my father. He has abused me my whole life. I have been avoiding him the best I can for a very long time. I lock myself in my room and only leave if he has gone to work or I have to leave for school. I went to the police a few weeks ago to get an intervention order but was unable to get one due to my broken fragmented memory and because of the statute of limitations. I fear that he will hurt me or maybe even kill me. He has threatened to kill me and do other things if I ever told anyone about the abuse multiple times in the past and know he knows I have. I can’t sleep at night and tick all the symptoms for CPTSD. I am currently seeing the school psychologist and another psychologist out of school. I constantly have intrusive bad thoughts and it’s debilitating. None of my other family members really believe me and justify his actions. I doubt myself and question my sanity all the time but I know this really happened to me. What should I do? I hate living with him. I might go to boarding school but I would have to live with him on the holidays. I don’t really have any close friends and I don’t want to ask any of them if I can live with them because I don’t want to give them that burden and I have trust issues. I believe he has antisocial personality disorder and is a sociopath. He didn’t grow up in very good conditions and he has never shown any empathy, remorse or guilt. Is my fear of him irrational, is it just a symptom of CPTSD? He has hurt me hundreds of times but it hasn’t happened as lately because I started fighting back, got bigger than him and began avoiding him. I can’t remember much of the abuse but I have memories coming back all the time.
Should I try mend my relationship with him even though I don’t want to, I hate him and I really doubt he will change? He tries to justify his actions. I think he enjoys doing it and he is always trying to assert control over me my touching me inappropriately, taking photos of me and humiliating me. He psychology, emotionally and verbally abuses me, making me question reality and believe in his deception and lies. I’m still dealing with the things he has done to my so many times and for so long and I don’t know how to recover. I really don’t know what to do. My mother tells me I should forgive him because it happened “a long time ago” but it didn’t, I feel like it’s still happening even if it isn’t, I don’t want to and he is no different to the days when he was bashing me and he doesn’t even feel sorry. I fear for my safety every moment, I’m really paranoid and I want to get out of here and I’m afraid I don’t really have any options. I can’t move out, I won’t survive, I’m only 16, I have no money, no job, no where to go.