Hi all,

I suffered childhood sexual abuse and have been working with a psychologist for around 7 months and she is great but is having four weeks off over Xmas. I did a few sessions with CASA (centre against sexual assault) but they said I wasn’t in a safe place in my relationship to continue with them at the moment. It has been put to my attention by quite a few professionals that my partner can be abusive, particularly emotional/ verbal. I have been in and out of denial about it for a while but I am starting to accept some of his behaviours aren’t ok. The thing is though I think a lot of it does stem from my history of abuse especially sexual and that is one of the main areas I suffer in our relationship. He puts a lot of pressure on me to regularly be intimate even after I have been triggered and if I said no he was so grumpy to the kids and I and yelling at us for the smallest things so I would just give into him to try and keep everyone happy BUT after a long journey he is slowly accepting that him putting that pressure on me isn’t fair and he is trying not to be as forceful and dominating but I still feel that obligation to satisfy and give into his sexual needs and I’m wondering if I can find a good link connecting that to my childhood abuse (I have never had a healthy sexual relationship, I almost feel like I need to go back to the start and learn what healthy and safe sex is. Any ideas or tips on finding ways to 1. Get rid of that guilt and obligation I feel about giving into my partners needs 2. The effects of childhood sexual abuse on an adults sexuality and relationships and 3. Learning what a healthy sexual relationship looks like.

 

Hi Anzee

I am going to be honest with you that, I had a similar relationship like that, but now we are happy and healthy in term of mentally and physically, I will share a little bit about my story, then I hope you can get something out of it, I had been always mad and angry with my girlfriend about small things because we have different habits, she wants to change me and some of them I don't wanna change, but it turns out what she wanted me to change is a good thing, so I reluctantly change, what do I mean by reluctantly ? because I try to change but I am not happy with the changes, then the cycle keeps coming back again, and furthermore, I was still studying in university, I am an introvert no friends or going out a lot, I did not have a job...etc I do not have anything interactive with human beings much except just only with my girlfriend, she also was in the same situation, we all stay home and be around with each other all the time, then we all realized this is not good honey, this is not good, we love each other but why it turns out so ugly like this, then we decided to go to work, to keep distant to each other and just see each other 2 hours every day maybe or around it, everyones need some private space to think and do whatever for them, and it is normal, nobody can be around with someone 24 hours without feeling pressure in my view. But now we all have things to do and we see each other less but still we do not neglect each other, we know life is a balance between work and relationship. Now when she tries to correct my habits or mistakes, I feel normal, I think she just wants me to be better, and it is good nothing bad at all, why should I be angry though, and what she had done as taking care of me or recall what she helped just make me feel better and willing to change, but of course, we have to be moderate, we can not correct others all the time, nobody wants to be corrected without giving a praise or compliment, so I would recommend 3 to 5 praise = 1 correcting mistake maybe, it is not an exact number but I think you can get what I mean.
About my sex life, I think we are doing good, after a long day of work, I know me and my gf had been exhausted, nobody is interested in sex or anything intimate anymore, I dont either, but when she is wearing something sexy but try to act cute, i could not resist but instead of jumping in right away, i massaged for her i talk with her a bit like an intimate talk, then we can feel more connected, furthermore, of course sex is not always everything, if someone is addicted to sex there must be a problem and we should look deep into it as well, it could be from boredom and have nothing to do. Then we should together help each other to break it, in my opinion, in a relationship, there may be one wanting more sex than the other but not too much, just a little and enough for us to tolerate I suppose.

Hi Anzee, I found the book The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van der Kaulk interesting - it had some case studies of abuse sufferers and how the trauma shows up later in life.
Interesting for me as one of the case-studies felt like me.
Exactly like me.
It helped me a bit.

Having a healthy sexual relationship after trauma is definitely possible. I hope you can find a way and i support you in whatever you try to do over these four weeks to get help. Happy to listen.

Hey sleepy21,

Thanks for the recommendation I’ve actually had that book suggested to me before and after looking online I found a google book so have already started reading it haha.

did you read the whole book or just the chapters relating to your personal trauma?

Hey Anzee - I had no idea what it was, my friend gave it to me as she was studying trauma/social work

Some of the last chapters I found a bit technical if you don't have a psych education - about how the brain works etc using some more scientific explanations. I wasn't up-to-speed on that so skipped those parts

I read pretty much the first half, then when it got too technical I skipped chaps to ones that I was interested in. Eg there is an interesting chapter towards the end about drama and theatre helping young kids who have experieneced trauma. I read most and basically skipped when I couldn't comprehend the content.
The first half or so was great!!

How u enjoying?

ps i believe there is one case study of a woman whose name starts with M who is attempting to undersand how to have a healthy sexual relationship and why she is so scared of that. I related to her and read her story with fascination as i'd never seen such an account play out before in a book or movie. It was interesting....he weaves in and out of her story mixing up with other accounts of trauma survivors!!

I'm waiting on another book from the library that has been recommended to me called
Walking the Tiger: Healing Trauma by Dr. Peter Levine

I'll let u know how I go with that one and if I find some stuff about sexual recovery in there too!

Hey sleepy21,

I ended up finding an app on my iPhone where you can buy books digitally, I was very excited and it was on there so I have skimmed through to find any pages that weren’t in the google book but then I thought I better stop reading and hang out with my family haha, I am finding it really interesting and relatable already though and I have an 8 hr interstate drive tomorrow so I’m hoping to read a lot on the drive tomorrow 😊

yes please let me know about the other book now I’ve discovered this app on my phone e, it’s a bit like kindle I think, I’m very excited haha.

I did have a chat with a friend who is kind of like a sister today and she is very much about spiritual healing and although I love and admire her and her strength I realised today we’re not always on the same page when it comes to the way we deal with our past and that we have different paths on our healing journey and it brought me down a little because we’re usually very connected but now I’ve had a minute to myself I’m just reminding myself we all have our own journeys and beliefs and that’s ok we can still connect and chat with our differences aside.

I'm so glad u found it so easily anzee - it's very popular i see it a lot in bookshops as a "top pick"

so interesting how widely ppl are interested in this topic ....

let me know how you go if u feel up to it

It really is so interesting, but especially for those who experienced trauma just to know your feelings and actions/ reactions are normal affects of trauma. It just makes me feel so much less crazy/ different reading factual research and stories.

hey anzee i hope the drive goes well

i'm sorry you felt at odds with ur friend but agree it's okay to have different perspectives... MH is so personal...

I am so happy u are enjoying reading and learning about new resources as there's so much good stuff out there

it is challenging to find the ppl who are understanding and wholistic about trauma healing, but when u find them... wow... so helpful.... hoping the book is helpful x