I have PTSD and it can feel awful, no matter how much better or worse mine is compared with other peoples' experiences with it. It can feel demoralising too. Right when I need to feel my strongest is often when I have felt the worst of it. It's frightening to feel like I can't rely on my body or my mind to support itself when I'm at my most vulnerable so I can only imagine how worrying it is to be faced with an ongoing medical condition and the uncertainty that your future must hold now.
I sought therapy a couple of years ago (still ongoing) and the plan had been to finally, once and for all, develop the strength to tackle whatever life throws at me. I discovered that my body's response - the panic, the fear, the inability to move - was me protecting myself. It was the only way that I knew how to and even though it was horrendous and I would think the strangest, most dangerous things, what I was doing still felt more safe than everything else in my life. It was easy for me to ridicule that response, too. I could punish myself after a panic attack (admonishing myself, depriving myself of things that I enjoyed, etc) and being able to punish myself reminded me that I had control. But I didn't find it enjoyable. I hated it, actually. It usually made me feel just a little bit worse the next time that it happened.
I had a lot of positive responses when I stopped punishing myself for my panic and started thanking my body for trying to put me first. For trying to find ways to keep me safe. I've been experimenting with lots of ways of giving myself that safety and relief that the panic is trying to make for me. Sometimes that's hugging myself; reminding myself through touch that I'm here and I'm OK. I'm very new at it and sometimes the things I experiment with feel silly and childish but always better for having tried them that not.
I have a lot more good days now than bad ones. I've tried very hard to listen carefully to what my body and my mind want to do without judging those actions. Finding the strength to share the thoughts I'm having and the experiments I'm doing has been the most beneficial. It's helped me remember that everyone feels panicked sometimes and no one enjoys it so most people are naturally inclined to help me manage how I'm feeling, even if they don't know what PTSD feels like.
I hope you're on the road to recovery and I hope you find some ease and some safety along this road. I hope you can feel supported and loved. All the best.