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Forums / PTSD & Trauma / No more hope

Topic: No more hope

  1. ecomama
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    4567 posts
    16 June 2020 in reply to Seeta

    Hi Seeta, I'm glad you popped back in to let us know how you're feeling. Please apply for a late extension.

    YOU ARE WORTH THIS. You will get to the finish line. In spite of the crap. Yep life is indeed very hard at times. Then we get through and then it can happen again. You always have us here.

    I second therising and what she said about everything ofcourse. What a crappy person to say that, where do they get off?

    I'd say about NOW. That person was PROJECTING how they feel about themselves. That comment was ALL about them. Not your sh** - theirs. So throw that one back at them in your mind and forge forward to your goal.

    Being an intelligent person you'd want to know WHY someone would say that?
    I'll give you an intelligent response. Because you are set to ACHIEVE something they probably haven't.
    They are trying to "pip you at the post" and cut off your ability to COMPLETE this. (Believe me I KNOW these people - my mother for sure and ughhh my last exH).

    It almost worked, didn't it? nice try but that's complete BS. You have a support system this time and you won't fall that far. They didn't win, you just took in their bs for a moment and now you're rising up above it again.

    YOU ARE AWESOME. Repeat after me "I am AWESOME" lol and just keep repeating this because none of us here are wrong. Neither are you.

    Oh I agree maybe you have found some replacement behaviours for an eating disorder. WELL DONE btw for your work on THAT. Wow.

    We often DO need a replacement behaviour when we're eradicating another set of thinkings and actions from our life. How about yours include "I AM AWESOME" lol ;-)

    Because you are. Hugs to you! Hugs to your little cherub! HUGS to that last assignment as you email it off.

    More power to you sister!
    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Seeta
    Seeta  avatar
    24 posts
    22 June 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Thank you ecomama and everyone else for the replies. I’m back in to say that I have my last exam on Wednesday and hopefully I do well.

    Also, I figured that my mental health is affected by nothing but all the abuses done to me. Lately I have started talking about it more and it has made me feel much better. I think I have to get out of this life as it is getting worse and worse every day and the violence, both verbal and physical are getting more and more and I can’t take it anymore. I’m tired of experiencing violence all the time. I’m tired of being banned not to do all the things I like and I am tired of being called so many bs all the time....

    I think I took it way too longer than I should have.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. ecomama
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    4567 posts
    22 June 2020 in reply to Seeta

    Dearest Seeta WELL DONE YOU!

    You are going to rise above this SO HIGH.

    You absolutely DO NOT deserve what's been happening.

    If you need support for leaving a DV relationship I've definitely been through the ringer with that, so if you need help, pop back. I know others here have lots of tips too ;-)

    WOOHOO COME ON WEDNESDAY!

    The Finish Line is in sight and you're all over it.

    I'm so proud of you. Hugs to you and your beautiful girl.
    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  4. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6617 posts
    22 June 2020 in reply to Seeta
    Hi Seeta,
      We are so sorry to hear that your relationship has been abusive. We are so glad to hear that you've been opening up more about the situation. Please remember that you don't have to do this alone. We are getting in touch with you privately to offer some extra support.

    We would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation who just want to be happy on their own. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

    You might also find some ideas in reading the stories of others. Some threads you might be interested in reading include:

    "Moving on after leaving emotionally abusive relationship" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/moving-on-after-leaving-emotionally-abusive-relationshi

    "Trying to end an abusive relationship"- https://healthyfamilies.beyondblue.org.au/seeking-support/helping-yourself-and-others/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/trying-to-end-an-abusive-relationship

    "Reset button" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/ptsd-trauma/reset-button#qwRpXHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

    Please keep reaching out for all the help you can get. We want you to be safe. We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums. Feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey.
     
    2 people found this helpful
  5. therising
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    therising avatar
    2698 posts
    22 June 2020 in reply to Seeta

    Hi Seeta

    After ecomama's posts, gosh, I feel like I could achieve just about anything in life. What an amazing, inspirational, supportive, brilliant person (of light) with the soulful gift of raising people to life and life's challenges (including the darkest ones). You've found your cheer squad here in all of us Seeta, including Sophie who has given you some excellent support and resources.

    I wish you nothing but the best on Wednesday. We will be there with you, through our thoughts of love and support, as you face that examination of what you've learned throughout your course. As you've come to graduate through your course slowly and steadily and with outstanding commitment, I wish there was someone who could bestow a Degree of some nature when it comes to how you are graduating through life. You are running the course of learning and mastering self love, self respect and so much more. It is an incredibly brutal course for you to be undertaking. There will be times when you sit in examination of what you have learned in your course of life and I hope what we pour our hearts/love into teaching you sees you graduate through life with greater confidence and truth. While your partner has taught you what lies, degradation and brutality look like, your child and we who support you teach you, through love, how to recognise love and the fact that you are, without a doubt, worth loving.

    Seeta, I want you to try and imagine...you've been running an Olympic marathon through the streets of some city. You've now entered the stadium. We see you and we're screaming 'C'mon Seeta!!!!' In the crowd, in the stands, your child is there cheering. We're there cheering. We're all so excited. The atmosphere is electric. There's some dude in the audience 'Booing'. What the heck?! We look around and see it's your husband. Everyone tells him to 'SHUT UP!' We continue cheering like maniacs. We are seriously excited here Seeta. You're getting closer and closer to the finish line of what has become torturous. You cross the line and the crowd erupts, rising to their feet. Some reporter runs up. You're exhausted yet he asks 'How did you do it Seeta?' You say 'It was long, it was hard and at times I just didn't think I was going to make it but at some point I reached in and found something in me I never new I had until now'. This, this thing within you is what makes you the achiever that you are. You're an amazing person Seeta.

    All the best for Wednesday :)

    2 people found this helpful
  6. ecomama
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    4567 posts
    23 June 2020 in reply to therising

    Dear Seeta, and a wave to therising and to Sophie ofcourse,

    Around 24 hours left before finishing Seeta. You've SO got this. I am SO proud of you.

    That one down then we'll be here for the next challenge. And you WILL make it. You absolutely will!
    Sophie has given you the best numbers 1800RESPECT and you can ask them for the DV Hotline.

    But that's by far not ALL the support you can get. We are all over this.

    When you come back, there will be more support so you can get your ducks in a row and be done.

    We're right here with you and therising put it beautifully when she said that WE are CHEERING for you!!!
    You've got this sister.

    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Seeta
    Seeta  avatar
    24 posts
    23 June 2020

    Dear Sophie, Therising, ecomama and everyone else...

    thank you so much for having my back. Reading all your comments and messages have given me so much courage and I feel 90% better now.

    Another news to share is that my exam was today instead of tomorrow and I am done with it just hoping I did well enough to get through this.

    From tomorrow I will start focusing on my freedom. Freedom from the hell I have been living in for 5 years. These 5 years took so much from me, my family, my mum, my courage, my worth and everything else. I might not be able to recover all of that but I keep telling myself I will shine, shine brighter than I was before I started this life.

    It’s the worst feeling to feel worthless, weak, powerless and so broken at only 24 years of age. I have missed on so much during this time including happiness. My thoughts, mind and feelings were controlled by someone else instead of myself and I am not going to let that happen anymore.

    1 person found this helpful
  8. ecomama
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    4567 posts
    23 June 2020 in reply to Seeta

    Dear Seeta

    OMG WELL DONE YOU!!!

    Congratulations sweet girl. You've made it. And 24 hours ahead of time lol. Smarty emu pants;-)

    Indeed an evil person sucked all those strong character traits out of you BECAUSE you had them IN YOU all along.

    Tomorrow is the first day to the rest of your brilliant life. To think what you've learnt about relationships by only the young age of 24!!

    Things you could do at your own pace:
    * Women's Health Centres have amazing FREE Courses (mine was called "Breaking Free") that can teach you ALL about Domestic Violence and can link you in with all sorts of Community Services around you. I believe this Course saved our lives.
    * Phone 1800RESPECT and ask "How do I get out of my abusive relationship?" You can phone anonymously but I gave my name every time so they could add to their notes.
    * Women's Legal Service is a free legal service only for women, their help is a Godsend and they will keep in touch as long as you want them to or until all legal things are over.
    * My suggestion is that you contact a Family Lawyer you may want to represent you at some point if required, and book in for their FREE session. This will conflict the other party out of engaging that lawyer. I found my exH had conflicted me out of EVERY Lawyer for about 150klm except ONE - one who had worked for me previously in a different capacity -LUCKY ME because they were the best.

    Just to let you know very calmly that when a woman tells an abusive partner "it's over" then this time is the most dangerous for her and the child(ren). I would not tell him until you are no longer living in the same house.

    Call the Police asap if violence occurs. There are LOTS of supports from this moment onwards should you proceed with pressing charges and we are ALWAYS here to provide more support to you.

    For now breathe and know you are on your way. You know for sure that no one will ever do this to you again.

    Love, hope and healing to you
    EM

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Seeta
    Seeta  avatar
    24 posts
    30 June 2020 in reply to ecomama

    Once again thank you ecomama and everyone else. I am here to say that I did very well with all my assessments and just finished my bachelor of laws. I am really thankful to all of you for all the supportive words and encouragement.

    However, with my life, I am still where I was and still have not taken any steps. He has gotten way better because I have raised my voice a lot more and have not accepted any disrespect. But I know this is not permanent and he is never going to change. I have no feelings whatsoever anymore. I don’t know though why I am still here? Maybe my daughter? His family and how much they respect me and love me? Maybe I am too scared of the future and what life will through at me ? Whatever, i just hope I get the courage and change my life.

    2 people found this helpful
  10. ecomama
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    4567 posts
    30 June 2020 in reply to Seeta

    Dear Seeta

    A really huge congratulations for finishing your Degree!
    AND getting great marks!
    Wow.

    You did this all by yourself, so you should be very very proud of yourself. You're amazing. Big hugs.

    It's completely understandable why you're still there. I understand a woman in an abusive relationship will leave an average of 17 times before they leave for good. You know stats doing Law so some alot less and some many more.

    Yes I agree they don't change but they can simmer down for a while (this could be his "buy back phase" IDK).

    Good on you for standing up for yourself. Setting boundaries is very important! Well done.

    It can be one of the hardest decisions we ever make, to "break up" a family. I was also very loved by my 1st husband's family and they dropped me like a hotcake when I left permanently. It was a huge loss.
    The reason I finally left my adult children's father was because I could see that he was modelling horrible behaviours of addictions and other bad stuff for them. So in the end I left for them. Took them with me. We went to marriage counselling for 2y after I left. I watched as his life spiralled downwards... as is most often the case.

    Which brings me to share a comment that was made to me whilst I was a wreck not knowing what to do in my last marriage. A psych friend who had know me for 20y by then said "You need to leave. He needs you alot more than you'll EVER need him". I didn't THINK that at all. I thought I needed him for all the children etc.

    But I didn't. He was only destructive. Never helped. I was gaslighted into thinking I needed him.
    I was by far the major breadwinner. I did all the house and garden work. Everything. He was by far the most abusive and cruel person I have ever had the misfortune of knowing.

    I wished I'd ended it at the beginning! lol. Alas I didn't.

    Your timing is the most important thing here unless H ends it first - which is less likely.

    All up to you my dear and I hope you see a path for employment sooner rather than later.

    Well done again
    Love EM

    1 person found this helpful
  11. therising
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    2698 posts
    1 July 2020 in reply to Seeta

    Congratulations Seeta. You are gradually accumulating undeniable proof that YOU ARE A LEGEND. YOU'RE A STAR!

    Plenty of people can obtain their bachelors under the best of circumstances but how many can complete it under deeply challenging circumstances? You're exceptional!

    You've just reached a significant milestone on your journey. Perhaps it time you just sit, rest and wonder for a while. Don't put too much pressure on yourself. Just wonder about some possibilities that could get you excited. Keep an eye out for opportunity at the same time, even if those opportunities might be a little outside the square. You never know where they may lead.

    Good to know you are becoming so intolerant of your husband's behaviour that you're willing and courageous enough to speak up. Does take a lot of courage when you don't know how speaking up is going to trigger someone. Sounds like you're gradually finding your natural power. Step by gradual step, we're tested in so many ways when it comes to understanding how truly powerful we can be. We can amaze our self at times.

    Exciting times ahead Seeta. Somewhat fearful too and that's understandable. You are gradually learning you are fearless Seeta. Have faith that you will graduate to greater levels of fearlessness over time. This is an incredible time in your life.

    :)

    2 people found this helpful
  12. Seeta
    Seeta  avatar
    24 posts
    9 July 2020

    Thank you ecomama and Therising for the beautiful words and comments. I am really sorry i couldn’t reply sooner. My mental health has been excellent and life has been not too bad. He has changed 380 degrees.

    However, all i want right now is separation. Whenever I talk to him about it, he would beg me and promise me that he will be the best and keep me as happy as he can. I know he loves me but for me love is not everything. There needs to be so many other things to complete it such as respect, understanding and trust.The thing is I don’t have any feelings whatsoever for him and even listening to him makes me sick. I don’t know now if I am the problem and too much or has this been caused by all the abuse he did to me all these 5 years. He would still control me here and there but not too much and he has stopped disrespecting my family to some degree.

    I know no one can suggest to me to separate or stay with him and how to make the separation easier for him. But I’m looking into some advice on what is best here and if there is ways I can love him back and trust him again.

    thank you very much

    1 person found this helpful
  13. therising
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    2698 posts
    9 July 2020 in reply to Seeta

    Hi Seeta

    I believe, as we gradually become a more natural version of our self over time, the nature of how we see things changes. The nature of how we behave changes. The nature of what we look forward to changes. I could go on but basically just about everything changes. Personally, I have found this to be the case. Through the changes, there are definitely a lot of challenges. If we didn't accept those challenges that involve us letting go of who we used to be...nothing would change.

    It sounds like you are now facing the challenge of reassessing your relationship. You're perhaps also facing the challenge of defining love. This is an enormous challenge but I have no doubt you're up for it. As I may have mentioned before, I find love is found in evolution. I can see how you've loved yourself to this point in life, how you've given yourself the opportunities to evolve. This is how I love myself too. I see a challenge and I ask 'Do I love myself enough to raise myself through this challenge? Do I love myself enough to want to grow more into being my most natural self?' Because I am finding my natural self to be someone truly amazing and someone I deeply love, the answer is almost always 'Yes'.

    I had a chat with my husband a couple of weeks back. As I sat, working up to speaking with him, I felt my body getting pretty worked up. Being someone who has naturally come to meditate on inspiration, I asked to powers that be 'Why am I feeling so fearful?' What came to mind was 'This is what courage feels like'. Off I went with my courage to face him. In a nutshell, I said to him 'You've often dictated the terms and conditions of this relationship. Through your inaction, when it comes to acts of love (not just verbal proclamations) and through the fear I've always felt in approaching you over matters that mean something to me, I have found your terms and conditions to be depressing. I now give you new terms and conditions. You are to love actively and you are to accept that I will be fearless in how I approach you. I will no longer tolerate verbal abuse just because it suits you. If you can't accept these terms and conditions, I'm done'. Seeta, as far I was concerned, the relationship that we'd lived in for more than 20 years was over. The choice became about striking a new contract, with myself and with him at this point.

    You're a naturally powerful person Seeta, in the process of striking new contracts. Stay working on your terms and conditions for each one.

    :)

  14. ecomama
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    4567 posts
    9 July 2020 in reply to Seeta

    Dear Seeta

    You're a wonderful person and wonderful mother and STUDIOUS student!

    It's COMPLETELY normal to feel as you do. Love does not always spring eternal. It can be squashed. He has.

    A side note about H. He is an adult (or we would LIKE him to act that way). He is not your responsibility.
    So any thoughts about 'making it easier for him' just need to vanish. They can bring you right down and lower your energy levels. You can 'care' but you can't fix things for him.

    The more you concentrate on YOUR SELF and your baby girl, the more power goes to you.

    You felt so powerless before. H was controlling every thing.

    NOW YOU are gaining control over your life and it's like watching a flower begin to bloom.

    I have always sought marriage counselling when things seemed to be on the rocks.

    I like the ones who see you 1:1 on the side too.

    This process in itself can sort the wheat from the chaff.

    Best wishes, still proud of you lol!

    SO happy to hear you're going so well.

    Love EM

  15. ecomama
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    4567 posts
    26 July 2020 in reply to Seeta

    Hi Seeta

    I was just thinking of you and wanted to pop by and ask you how things are going now?

    I hope you and your beautiful girl and husband are doing really well.

    Love EM

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