It's been a really tough month. I started Schema therapy with my psychologist, and had also started processing some of my adult trauma from a DV ex relationship from over 15 years ago.

Unfortunately, it all brought up or allowed to surface some memories(?) that I am trying really hard to not believe are real right now from my childhood. It has the same feelings, the fear, etc. The body sensations. But I am struggling so much. Fighting so hard against it. One minute I am reminded of what my psych advised, make room for the thoughts and allow them. The next I am trying to escape my own mind anyway I can.

My CPTSD and BPD are running riot right now.

I feel like my world is falling apart. How can I face my family at Christmas? At all?? I am broken.

Hello Ely72, & welcome to the forum,

Clearly you are going through a rough time, with many emotions & sensations around. What is it, lots of images or sounds or feelings, whatever, it is Too much to cope with all the time. I understand you would push it all away if you could. Also,

Since your psych advised making room for & letting these things to emerge then your psyh believes you can cope. Does that makes sense to you?

In between your appointments, you can always phone BB's own counselling service, to help you through, om:

1300 22 46 36

O or talk to us, here. I feel certain people have read your post & are considering their response. That's always a sure thing here, people are reading & listening,.

I'll be around, too.

mmMekitty

Hello Ely, I am really sorry that this has been tough, especially when Xmas is fast approaching because bringing back DV issues is going to be very difficult and make life hard to comprehend, so are you able to explain to the psychologist what it's doing, since you may want to see your family.

It's good in one way these problems are being addressed, but you also need an escape route when this becomes too much to handle so that they can be brought up once again after this festive period because don't forget you have to try and relax if that's at all possible.

The psychologist tries to open up old issues and wants you to think about what happened between sessions, but you also need a middle path you can fall back onto, such as doing a hobby or whatever you find some joy in doing and take your mind away from what you have discussed.

This needs to happen as people go away on holidays this time of the year, so try and find some comfort until the sessions once again begin.

Take care.

Geoff.

Hi Ely72,

I promise you that you're not broken. Or if you are, then you're not alone - because I can relate so much to your thread.

While my trauma is a little different, everything is coming to the surface for me right now too and right before Christmas. The timing is terrible, and it is the hardest thing to try and 'make room' when they are all so painful.

Has your psych given you any coping tools so you can cope over Christmas? One of the things mine is trying to get me to do is establish a lot of safety, so even though I haven't worked through the trauma yet, I can try to feel grounded at least in this moment- like when I'm typing to you.

I hope this helps a little, try not to forget how far you've come already

rt :)

I have learnt a lot of coping tools and different strategies this year. I also did DBT so learnt lots that usually helps through that as well. I have supports who come every day, and I see my psych and counsellor every week. We'll, except over the few weeks over the christmas break. So they keep me pretty much safe and focused on moving forward.

It has just become so much more complicated in the last 6 to 8 weeks by these memories. And the anger I feel at my mother for putting me in that situation is overwhelming me. She knew what he was like.

Plus I am seeing a potentially inappropriate situation close to me and it is extremely uncomfortable and triggering.

I can't face any of my family right now. I feel like they aren't what a family should be. They don't and never have tried to understand my issues. They are only supportive with words, not substance. It's all just surface level with them. Play nice. Pretend to be normal.

I just wish that I knew how to better handle what I fear is coming. This alternating between overemotional wreck and numb dissociation is draining.

Hi Ely72,

That's understandable; is seeing your family something you have to do this year? Is there a way for you to postpone or schedule something else?

It sounds like you have lots of supports available to you so I'm glad that they're helpful.

rt

Hi rt,

I was approved for NDIS last year, which enabled me to gain the supports that have helped me progress to a far more stable place mentally. Most days anyways.

Unfortunately I don't think there is a way to outright avoid my family at Christmas or at the moment. I pretty much only see my support workers and therapists as it is. But Christmas it's expected for me to be there. I did speak to my counsellor today about how to communicate to them about not wanting to be hugged. We have come up with a way for me to assertively put boundaries in place so I feel comfortable. I just wish I didn't have this need to make everyone else happy. Then I wouldn't go. I would probably still feel guilty about it. But at least it wouldn't potentially cause more issues and memories on the day.

She, my counsellor, did mention that she thinks that I must be strong enough now to handle these memories. Hence why they are surfacing. I hope she's right. I just wish I could hit pause for a while. At least for over the Christmas break...

It's like since I started talking about what is inside, the floodgates have burst and there's no stopping. But I need it to. Just for now. I need to be able to get through my day to day life. I need to be able to manage without my counsellor and psych, and with less supports. I need to stop this downhill momentum that I can feel myself tipping into. It's becoming dangerous and I'm scared of myself and where I might end up.

Hi Ely,

I can relate to so much in your post, it's hard to reply properly.

Boundaries, & meeting other's needs & expectations, so difficult to negotiate for a way for everyone to be, if not precisely happy, but okay with where boundaries are set. I struggle with these tings.

I have an occasional conversation with one of my helpers, who forgets, & she, wants to give me hugs, or touches me, then doesn't remember I had said I don't want her doing these things, then goes on , apparently hurt, explaining how she didn't mean harm, or was trying to help, & then, I feel I am expected to accept the contact which is triggering me... & I'm trying to hold my emotions in check, so can't say much in the moment... if I keep allowing myself to be confronted with this problem, will I, with practise, get better at asserting my boundaries? I keep hoping I will, & I will get through to her, because there is much I like about her, & our time together going places, & such.

I'm working on it, because I still have to fully accept my needs are for me, the more important needs for me to consider. I'll compromise too much if I don't, & feel all the worse for the outcomes of having compromised too much.

*

I still don't know what I'm doing this year. Now my sis & I have been talking a little, it still seems early, even though it is really overdue. Phone at least, I think. I won't wait for her. I will do the phoning myself anyway. I wish I could trust that she would, but I'm not sure. That's as always has been with my family.

I liked the idea of meeting on neutral ground, but we never managed to work that out. If you want to try that, find a public place & invite each, who you are more comfortable with, to meet , say, for lunch. It doesn't even have to be exactly on Xmas day. Do you think this is possible?

warm regards,

mmMekitty

Hi Ely72,

That's wonderful that you have so much support; not gonna lie, I wish I had that too as someone who is sending herself broke with the cost of therapy.

The boundaries around not wanting to be hugged sound really good; have you thought about any others?

I'm heading down to see my family too and trying to put some strategies in place. One of the things that's helped me is thinking of code words to use to leave the house (even if it's just to go into the yard) and thinking of grounding tools as well to remind me that it's over now and I will be home soon.

Maybe with floodgates in place it means that they needed to open, and someday they will close. I believe that you're strong enough too and hopefully you can trust in yourself that you've got this and you can do this no matter how hard it is.

rt