6 years ago today an event occurred that changed my life forever.

I went to work, and 18hours later when I finally walked out of that place I was never the same again.

Looking about at the person I was before it, and who I am today....I can only describe it as losing my soul, the guy I used to be ceased to exist.

I've lost so much, my home, my life, my drive and any sense of happiness or enjoyment in the short journey of life.

I'm resigned to the fact that I'm never coming back, no treatment, medication or self will can ever remove this pain I live with daily.

Everyone I know tells me that they believe in me, they believe I'm still inside and they believe that I can overcome this.

But they're wrong, the person I used to be could of overcome those things, im not that person anymore.

No one seems to understand, it's like my mind and soul left my body that day...but my body kept living.

There's no better life in the future, just more days of pain and suffering. I didn't ask for this to happen to me, im not a religious person but I find myself asking god did I do something in another life to deserve this punishment.

For someone whose job was to lock evil up to protect the innocent, I am now a prisoner inside my own mind. Yet, there is no key for this door and no one can hear me screaming to be let out.

I look forward to the day I see that light shine through the darkness and im finally at peace

I'm not at risk, it's just a very hard day for me.

Dear Guest 7403,

We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning and are so sorry to hear everything you have going on at the moment. Times like this can definitely get overwhelming . We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you.

We hope you know that there is always help available to you, whether it's from our professional mental health counsellors Beyond Blue (available 24/7/365 on 1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it. 
 
 

Hi Guest_7403.

Thank you for sharing your story on the forums. I'm so sorry to hear of your battle over so many years. I, too, have experienced times where I have felt as if things can never improve and anger at the injustice of the situation. Whilst your experience 6 years ago is unique to you, your reaction has been felt by so many of us, leaving us to ask, "why me?" The unfairness tastes bitter.

I'm glad to hear that you still have hope for a light through the darkness despite your bad day today. These very hard days are when we need extra support, as Sophie_M highlights.

We, as a community, see your struggle and we hear you. You are not alone in these experiences and it is wonderful to see you reaching out when you need to.

Perhaps, today, you can focus on being aware of the present moment. Take time to focus on what is around you. What can you see? What smells surround you? Are there birds chirping in the distance? Focus on your breathing. In and out. In and out.

I have found these techniques to be useful in breaking the cycle of thoughts that go round and round in my head at times.

I wish you the best and hope that you have a reprieve from these feelings soon. Keep in touch on the forums to let us know how you are travelling and please rely on the services above if needed.

Hi.

You mentioned a key in your story, or there was no key. When things were at their worst for me I was chatting with another person, someone who had been where I was. Anyhow, I had mentioned to him about a locked door and unable to find the key. For me the key was to the door that brought me back to life. I might have made it out that door but there are other challenges. Perhaps if you don't mind my saying... They key you are looking for does exist and is well hidden at the moment. Does that possibility exist? Perhaps the lock can be changed?

I will keep this reply short. I am interested in your story. And would like to chat more with you.

Peace to you, Tim

I don't believe there is a key or fix to this for me, I know who I was and im not that person anymore. Guess what I'm trying to say is that I know my mind and I know it is not possible for me to recover.

My psych told me that this illness has happened to me because of who I am or was as a person prior to this.

I'm a natural protector, and I put myself in harms way countless times in that hell hole so that my friends and colleagues were safe.

I took the brunt of it, always me...solely standing infront ready to confront what others feared, so that they didn't have to go through it.

My darling ex wife worked there, witnessed many incidents I was in, encouraged me to be the one to do what was needed to protect others, sent me down into the fire pit when the violence was imminent.

And when my mind finally broke, instead of helping me she walked out for another man, took my daughter and used my illness to justify me not seeing my young daughter and drove the dagger home.

All these people I shielded and protected so that they could go home to their families safely, and here I sit completely alone and abandoned without a family because I couldn't do it anymore.

Things I've seen and done no one should have to do as part of their job.

Nothing but violence and fear, what a horrible world we live in.

I was a good selfless person....now I sit here cursed to suffer an eternity of painful memories and I trust no one.

Hi Guest_7403,

I'm really sorry to hear that you're feeling this way about yourself. The job you were in certainly sounded very taxing to your mental health, and I can't imagine what you've seen and been thru during your entire career in that position. And in amidst the brutal reality of your job, others have taken you for granted, making you feel isolated and alone during your times of need. Sometimes people forget, how fragile human beings are. Whether we're a psychiatrist who are trained to deal with these mental situations to help others, or a soldier serving for their country. We're all equal human beings with the same fragile mental health.

We may feel that we're broken at times, that we're unfixable no matter how much we want to be fixed. But instead of fixing the unfixable, we can learn to accept it and show ourselves some compassion. We can learn from our past encounters and experiences, and accept that it has happened and keep on going on with life. No matter how much we want to go back to who we were in the past, it is an impossible task. It's like, pushing yourself up against a strong river current, and eventually you'll get tired and drown from the task. But instead of going against the river current, let yourself go and go with the flow of the river. Be in the present moment, and seek out the person whom you want to be now instead of the past.

Hoping for the best for you my friend, and I'm always happy to chat with you more here. You're not alone.

Jt

I'm trying to go with the flow, trying to let it all go.

Each night I tell myself this is my last night of drinking, tomorrow I wake up...go to the gym, go for a walk and change my mindset to positive.

But when I wake, I can barely move and I'm lethargic.

Or it goes the opposite way and I wake and I am so angry that my mind has awoken to negativity again.

I can go weeks of doing well, at times months...but when the wheels fall off again it makes it so much harder to try again, as it takes so much effort to carry myself through life trying that I can't keep up and when that exhaustion takes over, those dam walls come crashing down and every bit of good or positivity is washed away....and im left feeling....why did I put myself through that? Why did I force myself to work? Why did I try this and burn myself out.

Everyone on here, friends, family, GPs, psychs all say the same things, keep trying, it'll get better, find what works for you etc

Its simply not true, I've been like this 6 years, nothing has made an impact, nothing has changed for me...it feels more hopeless than at the start. My life is worse now than 3 years ago.

I'm an intelligent person, I've read all the therapies, tried multiple things, studied psychology to understand the mind...and all my readings, research and self assessment lead me to one conclusion....

There is no cure, there is no effective treatment. And the people who are guiding you on what to do have no livid experience of what you've been through or what other trauma victims have been through.

Its so easy for people to say just do cbt, dbt, emdr, mindfulness, change your mindset, exercise etc...and when these things have no effect....they tell you to keep trying, or that you weren't committed enough etc

I'd like to see them run for their lives in riots, or physically fight people, or watch someone set their cell on fire while inside...watch that person get dragged out dead. Let them experience what it's like to fight someone, to wrestle them to the ground, to feel yourself losing and not being physically strong enough to restrain them.

Then come back to me when they're mind is gone and they can no longer function or live a happy life....and tell me how easy it should be to fix themselves. It can't be done.

Hi Guest_7403,

Thank you for sharing more, and my apologies as well if my previous post may have offended you in any way. Your feelings are just as valid as everyone else's, that feeling of hopelessness when all that you've tried with fixing yourself just ends back to the same results that you did not hope for. I'm really sorry to hear about that.

If you don't mind me asking, as I'd like to understand more. The three 'why' questions that you posted.

1. Why did I put myself through that?

2. Why did I force myself to work?

3. Why did I try this and burn myself out?

Would you care to share what your thoughts were when those questions rolls through your head? I understand it may seem pointless, since the experience that you've gone through has only ever happened to you, and I would never be able to live through what you have in order to give you answers and fixes which you seek. But I hope to get a better understanding of your story through listening.

Jt

I mean that I try do these things, try to get myself going when I can't, returning to work not because I'm ready but because I can't afford to live and will lose my home and car etc

And the pressure of forcing myself to do these things builds and builds until I implode....and I stop going to work, I push everyone away, I sabotage relationships and I torment myself for being broken.

So I wonder why I do these things to myself and come out worse off and trying to pick up more broken pieces.

One of my worst incidents, I was first one at the cell...I won't detail it....but was a matter of life and death by my actions....I did everything by the book....I remember screaming for this prisoner to come towards me for safety...screaming his name....and I looked back to watch two officers standing 30feet away just watching and not coming to my aide or the prisoners aide.

After it I was so angry at this officer, asked him why he didn't come to help....he responded I'm not risking my life for some crook...and im like what about me what about my life!!

This event destroyed me further, that officer has gone on to a big promotion, has this stunningly beautiful fiancee with a child on the way......

And then me....I did what was expected of me...and what do I get? Complex PTSD and a broken home....

I don't understand why this happened to me...why does the person who doesn't do their job have a happy life....and mine is completely destroyed.....its soul destroying

Hello Dear Guest_7403..

I just read your thread here and must admit it brought me to tears..I am so deeply sorry for what you’ve been through..It seems to me that the people doing good, helping others in your case saving other people...are the people who struggle with having a very hard life..

Complex PTSD..I can relate to..as I also struggle with it..but mine is from DV..nothing as hard as you’ve lived through...My long time abuser, “husband” passed away nearly 8 years ago...it was after he passed away..That I also said these words.....My soul has been broken..and I’ll never be okay....I’m still not okay, when something triggers me...but until a trigger sets me back, I can manage mostly okay....

I don’t know what to say to you, dear Guest_7403..except that I do care and wished with everything that I have..that I could help you, in some way...You have a beautiful heart, your words tells me that... Guest _7403, Please believe me when I say...that your soul isn’t lost, it’s their inside of you...After 8 years my soul is very slowly but gentle healing......You’re probably sick of hearing this....Please try very hard to believe in yourself. ..because we do...l

My kindest thoughts with my care dear Guest_7403....and if it’s okay a gentle reassuring hug..

Grandy..

I think that what as happened to you as you described in your post is very unfair, and you were only (broadly speaking) doing your job and from what it sounds that was heroic. This also say a lot the person.. You. Yet these same actions have drastic consequences for you.

I don't know very much, except the longer the period things have occurred the longer it takes to get better. I also know self-medication does not help (you mentioned drinking in a post) yet that seems to be the way you need to cope at the moment.

You are also right about people not having a lived experience! At the same time I would also also like to listen and learn from you.

Peace to you,

Hi Guest_7403,

Thank you for your most honest posts and sharing your thoughts, views and feelings with us.

I agree with you. Nobody is ever going to truly understand you and what you’ve gone through. Even the person who goes through a similar experience will never be able to say “I know what he is talking about”.

Why?

Because you are unique and what goes through your head and heart is best know to yourself only.

Despite this approach, you still decided to reach out here. I commend you for that. Being apprehensive, thinking “what do they know” and still, making a decision to join us here. Again, I commend you for that.

The thing is, nobody has a magic wand that would magically “fix” us. However, we can still try to give it a go and if sharing your story with us here makes you feel better- that’s a bonus. If you think it doesn’t, so be it BUT - you came back to us to continue the dialogue- and that’s a bonus too.

I hope you will stick around.

Take care.

Hi Guest 7403,

Sorry this has happened to you in your life and you are left feeling this way it must be so hard……

I understand how it feels to be locked in your own mind…… I had Severe anxiety OCD but I’m now recovered from the condition……. I felt as though I was living in an internal hell…. My own mind just felt like something I couldn’t escape, it’s something I’d never wish upon my worst enemy……..

Fast forward from this time I’m now free of this condition……. I think back to the person I was before I went through this condition and I know I’m not that same person but I’ve grown as a person from having this condition…… I believe I went through what I what through so I could come through it and help others with their mental health conditions even if I could just give them HOPE…..

You sound like a very caring person who does the right thing by other people even if those people can’t help you back ….. which is very admirable…. You stand up for what you believe in….. You have a heart of gold……… your soul is still there in YOU! You still have that light inside you , you just need to allow it to shine again……

Our soul is in us underneath the noise,

be still,

bring awareness to your breath .

Bring awareness to your internal world.

listen to your heart

Feel the light of your soul

Forgive and love your self

Fill your mind with gratitude

Follow your dreams

vibrate higher

I believe you can move forward from this…….. look for something positive in each day…. And keep building on it….

Hi Guest_7403,

Thank you for further explaining what you've been through. It's tough to recall events that have hurt you in the past, but I'm really grateful that you were courageous to share this with us.

I'm very sorry to hear about what happened in your work place. It certainly seems unfair that your fellow workmates weren't very considerate of your life, and gave the reason that they weren't going to risk their own life for a prisoner whom they see very low worth/value in society. What made matters worse was, what seems to be unfair, have led to even more unfairness when the officer who gave that remarks, got a big promotion instead of you who risked your own life during that event. It really stinks when the success of someone's career is based off how well they play within the corporate ladder. I've seen people coming in to my company, only to talk a bunch of non-sense and buzz words, get themselves a nice promotion, while leaving the people underneath them to do all the grunt work. It certainly seems unfair.

People long for the sense of worth in a workplace, feeling like they are worth something based off their contributions and the amount of work that they believe they deserve praises for. But when a company fails to recognize that and instead gave it to someone else whom the company feel was more deserving, they feel disappointed and cheated. They feel that they've done all this work that they thought was expected of them to be doing, only for the company to overlook that effort without even a word of 'thanks'. It's a terrible feeling indeed.

Are you still working for that place? And is there something you'd like to do about it to change your working situation? Perhaps even consider a different career?

Also, please do share anything else that comes to mind. I wish to listen to more that you have to say too.

Jt

Good morning Guest 7403,

Never loose that person that person you say you were….. he’s still there….. he’s underneath the noise of your mind…… you CAN come back from this….. you CAN find happiness…. again…..

Have you ever tried meditation? I believe meditation got me over the line….. it taught me that I’m not my thoughts but I’m the watcher of my thoughts….. I can observe them and not get caught up in them…. It’s a real soulful experience becoming “ aware” of this……… it takes practice but I highly recommend it, I did one through my therapy for learning to watch my thoughts it was guided…. Absolutely amazing once you get the concept of it…..

Meditation isn’t about trying to clear the noise of your mind

It’s about reminding yourself the noise isn’t your identity

this clears the mind

When I went through my mental health journey I did a lot of self development within myself I learned so much about myself and the person I wanted to be……. I learned to forgive myself ( which was a very important releasing thing to do) and to forgive others that I felt I needed to forgive to move forward in my life)….. to forgive others isn’t for the person you are forgiving but for yourself so you can release that negative energy you hold within yourself from your self….

I also learned to “ let go” of things in my past that I can no longer control…. I taught my mind to “ let go” I did this by when my mind would bring it up I’d say to myself just let it go calmly….. ( it took practice) when I would say this I’d redirect my mind to something in the present moment like if I was brushing my teeth how does the tooth brush feel, how does the tooth paste taste what does the water sound like……., eventually by doing this as something my mind bought up I would say let it go….,, and my mind would let it go… it takes practice and perseverance but it’s WORTH it…. It’s very freeing…

Forgiveness will set you free and letting go will help you to grow…..,

My mental health journey taught me this……

Your still in there guest 7403….. i know you CAN learn to move forward from this…… your life on the other side of it is AMAZING!

Im here to chat to you anytime 😊

I appreciate the kind replies from everyone, but my mind is far too gone for positive mindset therapies.

Take care everyone.

Hello Dear Guest _7403...

There’s no pressure here at all...

Just remember if you can..that we are here for you, whenever you feel able to talk....it can be anything you wish to talk about..music genre, pets, hobbies....anything at all..that might help you to feel even a tiny bit better...

We are all here for you...with our care..and support...

Grandy...

Ok Guest 7403, please know we are all here for you if you ever want to talk…

Hi Guest_7403,

No worries my friend, please take care of yourself, and we're always here for you if you ever want to have a chat again.

Jt

Hi Guest_7403,

Thank you for your response and totally respect your space.

Please drop us a line sometime in the future, as there are quite a few people who care what's happening with you.

Take care.

Feel so lonely in life now, can't rely on anyone to be there.

Been seeing a nice lady, and chatting to a few others....not exclusive with anyone.

But everytime they ask to meet up, or ask me questions that make me feel vulnerable I throw the walls up and stop talking to them.

I've done this countless times in the last 6 months...won't let anyone in....and even if they do break that barrier to meet me.....I'm never relaxed with them and feel no happiness

Hello Dear Guest...

Thats so lovely to hear you are seeing a nice lady....and even chatting to a few more....That’s a huge achievement dear Guest.....

Just casual chatting is the very first step of getting to know people....Maybe just keep the conversations light until you feel safer within yourself to talk about different things...

I think most people with mental health issues do put up walls as a way of protecting themselves from being hurt...I know I do....

Thats okay to feel the way you do when you meet someone new..that feeling should ease off the more you get to know them and begin to feel comfortable when you’re with them...They might be feeling the same as you...we never know...

I think to just be your beautiful self and keep the conversation to subjects your comfortable with...

Its okay dear Guest, if your not up to talking here...We are sitting quietly next to you, until you are ready...

You can rely on us to be here for you, whenever you need us to be..

My kindest thoughts dear Guest, with my care..

Grandy..

Nah, I flicked her off this afternoon for good....won't be seeing her again.

Same with the others...I unmatch them so there's no going back.

I've done this maybe 20 times in the last 6 weeks...

Dear Guest_7403~

Yes we have talked before, and like the change in name you have also changed inside since your work, that's true, and the idea of winding back time, erasing experiences and being the you that you were before is not possible - any more than it was for me.

OK, I am guessing you have had 6 years in which you are in a sort of painful limbo, and needing your old attitudes, your old life, and your faith in your judgment back, in the goodness of some people

A lot, even those that fool you are sh***s, but ...

I've probably told you before, but what I would really like is to give you some hope.

Until I had that I was in a limbo too, spiraling down, untrustful of others and my self, having a stream of images of events and broken trusts, and a complete lack of faith in my abilities.

It got to the stage, long before I was invalided out, that I became suicidal and had a couple of tries- which came to nothing. Later I tried again, better prepared and thought out.

It may sound illogical but that last time gave me trust in one person, my partner, as I told her the whole box of dice. She did not panic, but soon I was in hospital, though even there I did not open up completely -again no trust

Why did I suddenly trust her? Seems to go against the grain. Well, I had the thought I did not know everything about myself and the world, that was a thought I had when listening to something on a TV. So I stopped and went and blurted everything out.

My wife did not understand my thoughts, just it was something that needed more than she could offer, so the psychiatrist then hospital.

Hospital itself was just a little help, getting me away from life, what really helped was the kindness of a psych nurse, I was not one of his charges but he went to his home off his own bat and brought me books

Amazing what a change that made, my judgment that there were good people was correct

All the therapies you mentioned are OK I guess, talk therapy plus meds over a very long time was the most beneficial for me. I now trust (some), love someone new and am loved, work and feel accomplishment, look forward to things. I'm different, my past is an integral part of me and affects my judgment - but it is only part

No I'm not the same as you either, but think I understand part of what you are going though. I'd not be the only one

You want to ask I'll try to answer honestly. You want to say I'm full of it, OK. What you can't say is I don't believe you can't live a new life

Croix

Dear Guest_7403~

I'm hoping you are not sorry in starting this thread, it would have cost you a lot to set it all out, even thogh you have referred to it before.

If it was me the violence and your protective actions would not have been the most troubling, the lack of help from colleagues would have been.

So may I ask how much you think their selfish non involved attitudes made you feel or what effect is has had on you - even up to now.

I knoew it's a bit of an intrusive question, however if you answer as I expect I may be able to talk with you as someone who has been down a similar path (and is still seeking to put it behind me).

Croix.

Hi. In your last reply you mentioned unmatching a person. Presumably this person was a match on some level.

Can I ask whether this action is to protect them from hearing what you have gone through? And you reliving those events?

Or protecting yourself and ability to trust someone else?

Hope you get to see this?

I do it to protect myself and because I don't trust anyone.

I get along with all these ladies...but as soon as it gets to a point where I become vulnerable or feel that I may be hurt I pull the pin and give the same comment to them

"Thanks for the chat, hope you find what you're looking for, take care and stay safe"

Once they've read it, I unmatch so they can't reply.

Its not because I don't want to see them, or to try...the need to protect myself is far too strong.

But I immediately jump back on and start talking to others and the cycle repeats...they only ones that meet me are typically the more forward ones who don't give me a chance to think about it and say no.

I was meeting a pretty blonde lady for lunch today at 1pm, but she was tired last night and not as chatty as usual....so my mind interprets that as not interested or losing interest.

So I messaged this morning and said I didn't feel it and it was best to give it a miss and then unmatched her.

I dunno how to break that barrier...but I've been like that for a few years now with wemon

Hey, back again.

Sounds like you have been hurt by lots of people in the past? And while you would like to be with someone... You feel that you be hurt again down the track. That much be quite hard and upsetting?

On breaking the barrier... There is a saying about moving a mountain - by doing it one rock or pebble at a time.

Dear Guest_7403~

I guess there are the 2 sides of you, one seeking another person, and one that puts the brakes on.

It strikes me that the difference in my case was I told someone the works despite being mistrustful of the whole world then I stuck around. There were couple of courses of action open to me of course if I did not want to stick with her. (I still don't really understand why but my partner did stay too).

I'm not implying any deep answer, just pondering that difference. Pity there is nobody to talk to before you actually unmach someone, it sounds almost automatic the way you do it.

Croix