Finding that my mind is in very bad shape at the moment....I can feel it slipping over weeks but am never able to stop the train wreck......its a bit like I can see the tracks are broken further ahead but can't apply the brakes....and just allow the crash to occur.
I know my triggers and know what happens to me mentally and physically so well....all the warning signs are there....but I cannot stop it.
The drinking begins, one can a night, then two, then 6, then all day and night on my days off...
The other indicator is that I restrict my diet....days without eating, or eating one meal a day that's completely insufficient to maintain myself....its deliberate and calculating....as the alcohol I drink is sugar free with no calories so that I don't get energy from it either.
I've lost weight over the last 3 weeks...with no signs of slowing....I've done this many times in my life....it lasts months until there is nothing left of me. I'm average weight now so it won't be long before I'm underweight and look sick...a lady at work noticed weight loss yesterday.
I came home to my partner already here yesterday....shes nice, she tries to understand but has no idea what to do, say or how to help....I don't blame her....I don't know what to do.
I went to the bottle shop and bought a 6 pack....two hours later its gone...we had dinner and finished....and my partner came around to kiss me....and I just broke down in tears....and kept saying I don't want to wake up anymore, I just want to go to sleep peacefully and never wake up again....I just went to bed...it was about 730pm.....she got up for work and tried to hug and kiss me when she left....she said she was going now not that I care.......I never responded and just rolled over.
I keep telling her to leave me, move on, find someone that's stable and healthy....as I just cannot maintain any stability for more than a couple of days.....shes been through enough (DV) from her previous relationship....and I don't want her to be in another unhappy relationship or constantly worried about me.
I'm not violent or anything, but I feel my mental issues are just as damaging to her...as it's awful for her to be treated how I do. I push and push her to leave and she won't....it upsets me....I get very lonely when I'm single.....but better than I used to be.....but I feel so much pressure and anxiety being with someone....I have terrible fears of abandonment so won't let anyone get close now.
I dunno what to do anymore...so tired.