sorry for the hardships you experienced in the past.
I kind of can relate. I believe my mother suffers narcistic personality disorder, but I doubt she would ever go to psychiatrist for diagnosis, or even psychologist. It was a great taboo in my family, and I know it is for her until today, as she tried to threaten me to talk to her by saying, that she is so upset, that she might need to go to psychiatrist. And she would never admit that there might be something wrong with her, because she puts all the blame on the world around. Generally living with her and having her around, even as adult, was constant walking on eggshells, and trying to avoid any reasons for her 'explosions'.
I also guess the reasons for her trauma. It has been passed through generations of traumatized people.
And I feel really sorry for the things they experienced, it definitely scarred them. But all the hardship and trauma cannot be an excuse to hurt others. Every one of us has a choice to change how the things are done. I know I was able to break from the patterns of how I was brought up, because I can see, that my own daughters want to hug me, they want to talk to me and do things with me. And as I look back, I did not want to be close to my mother at age of 9. I feared her. I just did what she wanted, brought good grades from school and I tried my best to fly under the radar. But I was on constant alert.
And so last year I stopped talking to her. And the reason was very simple. I had major (C)PTSD flashback, that put me through depression, and dark thoughts, and I felt really awful for months, when I did not know what was going on with me and I needed my time and space to sort myself out, and the idea of talking to my mother gave me creeps and made me sick. And I told her that I need time. But she took it as personal offence, and got angry, why I don't talk to her, and how sad she is that I do not tell her my problems. I never did. I replied her harsh, that I am done with her not respecting my boundaries, and I can talk to anyone I want to, and manipulation and blackmail will not make me talk to her. We did not speak since.
But it feels good and relaxing. That I finally was able to stand up for myself and express myself without trying to pacify her and go again as she wished. I don't miss the contact with her. I feel more free, that I don't have to pretend to be a good daughter. And personally I don't care if I am marked as a black sheep in the family.