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Forums / PTSD & Trauma / What I deserved

Topic: What I deserved

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. Centaured
    Centaured avatar
    312 posts
    16 December 2020
    There's stuff I've never told people before.
    I hate them, my family..but I feel guilty for being angry at them and tbh I don't blame them. I feel like I deserved what they did to me.
    My dad...he was sick, it wasn't his fault. Sometimes I wonder what would have happened if his tumour killed him instead of leaving him brain damaged. He was there growing up...but yet he wasn't. He was so absent he didn't even know the sexual abuse that happened in his very house.
    That leads to my brother...the perpetrator...what person does that to their sibling. He would say it was a game. I was his toy to use. It's left me scarred, I feel like I deserve nothing better than to be used by others.
    And my mum...she ran away (with another guy). and I blamed myself, especially because she would say I wasn't good enough. I wasn't good enough for anyone.
    My extended family...I don't know them. When I grew up and became unwell no cared. Barely anyone even sent a message when I became permanently disabled after a suicide attempt last year.

    They all say they love me....is this what love is, to be neglected, used, discarded and abandoned. I don't want to feel angry or sad about it...it's what I deserved, what I'll ever deserve. Maybe they're right...maybe I shouldnt be here anymore.
  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6620 posts
    16 December 2020 in reply to Centaured
    Hey Centaured,

    We're so sorry to hear what you've been through, and we can hear how much strength this must have taken to open up about something so difficult. Please know that you not deserve the abuse you have endured, and no one should ever be made to feel unsafe or fearful. We are so sorry that this has left you feeling like you weren't good enough, or that no one cared, but please know that our community are here for you, and really do care. We're all here to help support you through this, and we are also currently reaching out to you privately through email to check in with you.

    We can hear that this has been such a difficult time, and we would strongly urge that you reach out to 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely, understanding counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice and support to many who have been through trauma like this. You can contact them anytime on 1800 737 732 or also through their webchat at https://www.1800respect.org.au/ ​​​​​​​

    The kind and supportive counsellors at our Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636),  Lifeline (13 11 14), and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) are also always here for you, 24/7, for some extra support to help you through this.

    We think you're an incredibly strong and resilient person, Centaured, and please know that you're never alone in this. We hope that you continue to check in and let us know how you're feeling, whenever you feel ready.
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Summer Rose
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Summer Rose avatar
    1726 posts
    16 December 2020 in reply to Centaured

    Hi Centaured

    I can only imagine that this was an incredibly difficult post for you to write. But I think it was so important because there is power in telling your truth.

    I am so very sorry that you were abused. And it's heartbreaking to hear of your family difficulties and disabity. As a fellow human being, I feel overwhelmed with compassion for you.

    Please know that you were not to blame for any of it. No one deserves the abuse and hurt that has been inflicted upon you. You have lost things that are very precious in life at a very young age and I know the pain is deep. I wish it wasn't so.

    This might be hard to believe right now but healing is possible over time when you are ready, with the right support. Right now, however, it might just be about getting through.

    I'm a mum who cares for a child with a mental health condition. I am no expert but I have time to listen and be with you right now.

    Post any time.

    Kind thoughts to you

    3 people found this helpful
  4. Centaured
    Centaured avatar
    312 posts
    18 December 2020 in reply to Summer Rose
    Thanks Summer Rose
    I got through the last few days.

    I saw my case manager on Thursaday and told her some things....I told her about what my grandfather did too. I never thought I'd ever share that with anyone..ever...

    I feel scared. Why did they hurt me if it wasn't my fault. It was always my fault.
  5. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16222 posts
    18 December 2020 in reply to Centaured

    Hi Centaured, this was certainly not any game for anyone to be proud of and if so, they too are accountable in more ways than one.

    Your father wasn't capable of knowing what or why this was happening due to what he was suffering from, whereas other members should hold their head be in shame, this can not be anything to be rewarded for by an ice cream, for example, it's certainly against the law, and no, you didn't deserve this to happen.

    It's not your fault, you were caught in a position where a reward and the enticement were too convincing, only to place you in this difficult situation where you don't have much support.

    I am devastated by what's happened and have also answered a previous thread by you.

    My deepest sorrow.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Summer Rose
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Summer Rose avatar
    1726 posts
    18 December 2020 in reply to Centaured

    Hi Centaured

    Thank you for coming back to talk. It is a great relief to know that you have continued to make it through.

    As a general rule, the more we can share with our carers and mental health practitioners the better. They can only help if they know what's wrong. Good on you for finding the courage and strength to talk to your case manager. I hope the discussion was helpful to you.

    You've asked a good question, "Why did they hurt me if it wasn't my fault?" In my view, the actions of your abusers were depraved, evil, selfish, hurtful and unconscionable. They own their actions in their entirety. There is no logical way that you can be held accountable for their criminal actions.

    I suspect that they hurt you because they could. They knew you had no one to protect you with dad incapacitated and mum gone and they knew that you were vulnerable. They also knew you were younger, smaller and that this imbalance of size, strength and power gave them a hideous advantage.

    You are not to blame. Not now, not ever. You are a miracle.

    You have survived and you are fighting for your best life. You have my support, my friend.

    Kind thoughts to you

    2 people found this helpful

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