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Forums / PTSD & Trauma / Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

Topic: Will I ever recover from my dads sudden death *Trigger Warning Domestic Violence*

  1. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    17 September 2020

    Hi Everyone,

    I’m not sure where to start. It’s been two months since the sudden death of my dad and I feel more heartbroken now than when he first died. I feel like I’ll never recover. It’s like I’m drowning in grief. His death has made me face the other things that I am experiencing in my life like domestic violence being perpetrated by my husband.

    I’ve been suffering abuse for years but I’ve had to hide the abuse from everyone as it’s my shame for putting up with it for so long. It’s a secret which I’ve tried to keep buried deep inside myself but it’s now come to the surface after my dads death. I’ve been trying to hide marks from everyone by wearing really thick makeup and always wearing long sleeves even during summer in 44 degree heat. I believe I’ve been able to hide it all from everyone but now I’ve reached my limit.

    To try to avoid the worst of the abuse I’m sleeping in my car which is keeping me a bit safer as the nights are the worst. It’s been so cold that I’ve been lucky to get more than 2 hours sleep a night. I’m just so tired. I’m still with my husband as I believe I deserve the abuse. Maybe if I’d let him do whatever he wants to me he wouldn’t hurt me as much.

    I feel like I don’t deserve anyone to care about me after years of name calling and being put down. I believe that I’m worthless and maybe looking at me does make people ill. Maybe I am lucky to have my husband. I’ve tried to get a counsellor but where I live they don’t want to take on new clients. I’m just really struggling with the awful thoughts that are going through my head.

    I’m just so very sad about everything. I’m starting to wonder why I bother continuing on with my life when there’s nothing to live for anymore. My dads death has made me realise that without the close bond we had I now have no one else to talk to.

    My mother isn’t someone I can talk to as we never got along. My dad was the person that was a buffer between us who stopped us fighting. I understand she’s grieving too but it’s different with her as she’s already talking of dating again even though she was married to my dad for 51 years.

    I’m sorry about the length of this post but once I started opening up about the awful things I’m experiencing it all just came flooding out. It feels so good to be able to talk about my life anonymously. Thank you for listening.

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Emmen
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Emmen avatar
    390 posts
    18 September 2020 in reply to Emo

    Dear Emo,

    I am so sorry to hear of your circumstances. No one deserves to go through the kind of abuse you go through and stay silent about it. You don't deserve this. Please understand that. If your partner is abusing you, you don't have to stay with him. You have done nothing to deserve those cold nights sleeping in a car just to escape the abuse. A home should be a place you feel comfortable in, not one that you run away from because it's causing you so much anguish.

    It's must feel so lonely, knowing that you've lost that one person you had such a close bond with. It's okay to take time to grieve. But to do that best, you have to give yourself the space for that. You can't stay with an abusive partner and grieve, you'll only keep blaming yourself for the abuse and for every terrible thing that happens to you. Even when it's not your fault at all.

    Emo, the fact that you think that you deserve the abuse is a result of the abuse. It's how the abuse has affected you, and changed your thinking. The only way to reclaim yourself and your life is to give yourself the chance to live freely without your partner.

    Your mother is grieving too. People deal with grief in different ways. Those who date again aren't forgetting their loved ones, it's just how they process the fact that this person who has been in their life for so long has gone. Perhaps your mother is afraid of feeling lonely. You don't have to confide in her if you feel that you can't. But please, do right by yourself and consider leaving this abuse.

    If you're ready, I'd suggest calling 1800RESPECT and talking to their counsellors about the domestic abuse and your options.

    We care about you, Emo, and don't want to see you get hurt. If you wish to talk more, this forum space is for you. Do update us if you are ready to and share how you're doing.

    Warmly,
    M

    1 person found this helpful
  3. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    711 posts
    18 September 2020 in reply to Emo

    Hi Emo,

    I normally encourage couples to work through their differences - talk, and express what is and isn't working (or even what's fair). But in your case, I can only say you should remove yourself from harm immediately. No one deserves the treatment you are experiencing regardless of circumstances - and sleeping in your car is not a way to find a 'compromise'.

    Failing to find a counsellor, I suggest you see your GP re the bruises etc., and they will refer you onto the necessary services for protection. You have much to live for as your own person and shall find a purpose beyond your present nightmare.

    Thank you for being brave and please continue to seek help - what you are enduring is unacceptable.

    Regards,

    t.

    3 people found this helpful
  4. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11367 posts
    18 September 2020 in reply to Emo

    Hi Emo

    Im sorry for the recent loss of your dad. Two months ago may as well be 5 minutes ago...so very recent. To answer your thread topic...Yes in time you will learn to live with the loss of your wonderful dad. I understand your pain losing our dad....Its a hollow awful feeling

    I am sad that you are experiencing abuse at home as you posted above. Emmen and tranzcrybe have provided super caring advice above

    Please make a double appointment with your GP as your health and quality of life is paramount. Most GP's have a better awareness regarding abuse and our mental health than even 10 years ago. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose by doing so

    Just a friendly note...the forums are a safe and non judgmental place for you to post Emo

    you are amazing

    my kindest

    Paul

    2 people found this helpful
  5. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    19 September 2020 in reply to Emmen

    Dear Emmen,

    Your reply came at a really crucial time in my day as I’d just received some awful abuse compounded by the fact that I’d had to sort out dads paperwork. I was feeling at my lowest and thinking what’s left in my life as the one person who made my life worth livings gone.

    You really pulled me out of the hole I was in as it’s been hard sleeping in my car at night but it’s getting warmer at night now so it’s not so bad. When you explained how I wouldn’t be able to grieve while I’m getting abused it all made sense. I get low when I miss my dad then I get called awful names or physically assaulted by my husband and I feel like I deserve the abuse as I shouldn’t be still grieving for my dad. I just want to be safe to remember my dad and grieve but that will never happen.

    I’ve tried talking to my mother again about how it must be hard for her without him and how Father’s Day was pretty hard to cope with so soon after he died and her response broke me. She said I don’t know what you’re upset about you’ll have a new dad very soon. It felt like she’d punched me in the stomach. No one can replace my dad. Is it wrong to stop seeing my mother until I can cope with my grief a bit better?

    I’m so conflicted about my husband as I married him for better or worse and maybe this is just worse. I tried to tell my mother a couple of things he did to me like call me awful names and make me do things she said that’s just part of marriage. My dad never laid a finger on my mother so why does she think it’s all ok?

    Maybe when he hurts me so badly he doesn’t really mean to do it. Maybe it’s my fault for hoping to not get hit or abused in my marriage. He’s probably right that I deserve it as I should let him do whatever he wants to me. I need to stop trying to protect myself. I’m just so tired. I feel like I should be grateful that he even wants to look at me. Maybe I’m as disgusting looking as he says.

    When people meet him he comes across as charming but he’s not. He has another side to him which he hides from others. I think that’s why it’s easier to hide the abuse as they’d never know what goes on behind closed doors.

    I’d better stop now as my emotions are getting the better of me. I’m supposed to keep these things to myself as it would be very bad if he found out I was reaching out for help. I hate having to hide what I’m going through in my life. Thank you for replying to me.

    Regards,

    Emo.

     

  6. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6622 posts
    19 September 2020 in reply to Emo
    Hey Emo,

    We're so sorry to hear what you're going through right now. However, we are so grateful that you decided to reach out to our friendly community, and we hope that you find some help and advice in the great support they have all offered. Please know that you are strong, valuable and you have a right to live free from abuse.

    Our Support Service is also currently reaching out to you as we are worried about you. As Emmen mentioned, we would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely, supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation, and you can contact them anytime on 1800 737 732 or through https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

    We'd also echo the great advice given by tranzcrybe and Paul in having a chat to your GP about what you're currently going through. You're also always welcome to reach out to our Support Service, which is available to you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or through online chat (3pm-midnight) at www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport One of the friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings and experiences with you and can offer some great support as well as advice and referrals to help you through this.

    However, if you ever you feel unsafe, it's really important that you contact triple zero and ask for the police. We know it has taken a lot of strength and courage for you to share your story today, so thank you. We hope that you can find some comfort in the forums and please feel free to keep us updated here on your thread throughout your journey. 

     
    1 person found this helpful
  7. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    19 September 2020 in reply to tranzcrybe

    Hi tranzcrybe,

    Thank you for replying to me. I feel like I should be grateful that he married me so I’m not able to leave him as I married him. I take my vows very seriously. Maybe he will stop hurting me one day. It had gotten worse but at the moment it’s a bit better but that could be because I’m sleeping in my car to avoid him when he’s at his worst. It’s not so bad sleeping in the car now as it’s getting warmer overnight. I paid out for a motel for a couple of nights around the time my dad died as the temperature was -4degrees. It’s not an option any more as my money is being monitored very closely now.

    Those nights were my chance of freedom but he was still abusing me via the vile and disgusting texts he was sending me telling me to end my life as I didn’t deserve to live. Luckily I was stronger then but it did make me question why I bother as there didn’t seem to be much to live for after my dads death.

    He likes to play mind games with me as he also sent me texts earlier saying he was sorry and I should come back to him as he will get help. He knows just what to say to me to make me go back to him.

    I appreciate your suggestion about seeing my GP but he was no help at all. My usual one passed away so I’ve just gone to another GP at the same clinic. I tried to tell him how I’m really sad about my dad and maybe I need some help with that. He said I don’t. I had to beg him for some help with counsellors names and I also asked for some help medication wise which he gave me reluctantly. He said not to bother doing either.

    I’m normally a very strong person as I’ve dealt with the abuse for years now but the death of my dad has pushed me over the edge. For me to reach out for help meant I was desperate. I tried to show him the marks on my arms and face but he wasn’t too concerned. I tried to reach out to him and tell him that it’s my husband hurting me but he was more interested in getting me out the door.

    I’m never going back to him again as I need someone who will listen to me. I’m not sure if I will have the courage to tell another GP what I’m going through but I can’t talk to him any more. I guess I need a new doctor.

    Thank you for your last comment about what I’m enduring is unacceptable. I just feel like I deserve everything that he does to me but maybe I don’t.

    Regards,

    Emo.

    2 people found this helpful
  8. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    19 September 2020 in reply to blondguy

    Hi Paul,

    Thank you for your reply. Just you saying those words about how my dad passing away two months ago may well have been 5 minutes ago. It’s let me know that it’s ok still to be upset over my dads passing. I’m always very tough on myself as I feel like I should have stopped grieving for him by now but I’m still crying when I see something that reminds me of him. Grieving is very hard, it is what made me reach out for help with the loss of my dad and also to finally try to reveal to my Dr what has been happening to me. As you will see by my reply previously it didn’t go very well.

    Your friendly note at the end of your post about this being a safe and non judgmental place to post helped me a lot. I worry what people will say to me if they know what I’m going through as you’re supposed to keep everything to yourself. If people know I’m being abused then they might just say leave but it’s not as easy as that. I’m not emotionally strong enough to do that. It’s hard to understand but I think I still love him and maybe he doesn’t mean to do it. My mind is so twisted now by all of the things I’ve been told that I’m not sure what I truly feel anymore.

    Sorry I think I’ve gone off on a bit of a rant there but it’s so good to be able to discuss things safely and anonymously. I can’t have him find out I’m reaching out for help.

    Thank you for your post ending with ‘your amazing’. It feels nice to hear a nice thing said about me as I’m not used to hearing anything nice. It makes me feel like I’m not so worthless after all. Maybe I do matter to someone.

    Regards,

    Emo.

    2 people found this helpful
  9. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    711 posts
    19 September 2020 in reply to Emo

    Hi Emo,

    You are certainly a faithful wife and I admire your strength of conviction. However, your husband has a serious behavioural problem for which you are suffering the consequences.

    Sorry your first GP was so useless - domestic violence is a crime and GPs are obligated to follow up reports of abuse (your text messages would support your evidence). I hope you find another or can ring the other support lines mentioned - I don't want to see you get hurt or even sick from your choices.

    Please forgive my not referring to your father's passing - I was so distracted by immediate concerns for your welfare. I also have lost parents and can relate to the overwhelming flood of hopelessness whilst having to do so much work to finalise personal affairs, which further dredges past memories and sadness. At times I would just slump and stare at the walls, but then I could jump back into action and feel more positive about the better times as I wasn't reflecting on what is gone, but of the memories retained.

    Grief must follow its course and you will emerge with acceptance in time - your own time will vary from others but you will get there. I think a little stays with you like a scar but you will tend to look upon it fondly when in times of need.

    Please take care of yourself, Emo.

    Regards,

    t.

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    19 September 2020 in reply to Sophie_M

    Hi Sophie_M,

    I’m so grateful that you and your team have reached out to me. I’m just really struggling with talking about what I’m going through as I feel like I’m not worth people worrying about me. I’m ok with texting and emailing but actually saying the words, I’m being abused and going into the awful details is too much for me. I don’t deserve any help as it’s my fault I’m in the situation I’m in as I married him, but he hasn’t always been like this I don’t think.

    I’m so ashamed by what I’ve let him do to me that I can’t tell anyone about it. I have to keep it a secret. No one can ever know about what he’s done to me. I can’t talk about it which is why I reached out and posted part of my story on this forum as it was slowly killing me inside keeping my secret.

    Here when I post I know no one will judge me. Also no one knows who I am as my privacy is the only thing I have left. I’m scared to death of other people finding out who I am. The other issue is my husband finding out that I’m reaching out for help. If he finds out it would be dangerous for me.

    I’m sorry that I’m bothering you again but I’ve locked myself in my car for safety again tonight and I feel like what’s the point at the moment. Would it be so bad if he just did whatever he wanted with me? I just want him to get some help. I’m just so tired as I’ve had a really bad night with him. I just want to feel safe again. I don’t know why he does it to me. What am I doing wrong? I’m so sorry for whatever I’ve done to make him this angry and dangerous.

    Maybe I just need to stop hoping for a change. I’m so confused, I wish I knew how to make it better. If I could stop the abuse then maybe I could grieve for my dad safely. I’d better stop bothering you as I know you must have more people to help than stupid me. Thank you for listening.

    Regards,

    Emo.

  11. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6622 posts
    19 September 2020 in reply to Emo
    Hey Emo,

    Thank you for reaching out again and letting us know where you are at. It takes great courage to speak out and share a distressing situation and we are so glad you have done so. We're so sorry to hear what you're going through right now. Dealing with grief over your father’s death, experiencing abuse and not getting compassion and help from your previous GP are very difficult things to be going through. Please keep remembering that you have every right to live in peace and safety and that you deserve kindness and respect.

    Our Support Service is currently reaching out to you as we are concerned for your wellbeing and safety.

    As tranzcrybe said it was your GP’s obligation to follow up on reports of abuse. We hope you can find another GP who will listen to your concerns and take action. We also urge you to reach to our Support Service which is available to you 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or if you are more comfortable with chat and text, you can contact them through online chat (3pm-midnight) at www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of the friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings and experiences with you and can offer some great support as well as advice and referrals to help you through this.

    We also urge you to contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by domestic or family violence and abuse. The lovely, supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation, including those who are unsure about the steps to take, and you can contact them anytime on 1800 737 732 or through https://www.1800respect.org.au/  

    If you are concerned for your safety at any point, you must contact triple zero for immediate assistance.

    Please do keep posting here to let us know how you are going, and we hope that you can find advice and support from our wonderful community.
     
    1 person found this helpful
  12. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    20 September 2020 in reply to tranzcrybe

    Hi tranzcrybe,

    Thank you for being concerned about my safety. I’m not used to people actually caring about me. I don’t know why you care about me. After what I’ve been told all these years by my husband about how disgusting and worthless I am, how I’d be better off dead, I struggle to think I’m worth anyone’s concern. You’d be better off forgetting about me, my minds so twisted by the abuse.

    I married my husband so I have to stay. I married for life, my parents were married until my dad died after they were married 51 years. I need to be married for that long too or I’m a loser. People will look at me as a failure if I divorced him. I need to just keep accepting him abusing me and stay in my car for safety when I can. I can’t leave him or my secret shame will become public knowledge.

    I just want him to get help. I hope he will one day. It’s probably my fault why he does it. I folded a towel the wrong way the other day according to him and he started to yell at me which I just have to take or it gets worse. I made one mistake during it as I started to say I’m sorry which resulted in me getting assaulted. It was my fault, you don’t talk when he’s talking, he had stopped I thought when I spoke but it was wrong of me either way.

    I can’t believe I’m telling you whats happening to me. There are worse things he’s done to me but it’s too much for other people to hear. It feels so good to talk about the abuse anonymously as I’d never do it if people knew who I was. I wish I could talk about it but all I can manage right now is texting or emailing as I can’t say the words. It’s too hard to tell people my husbands abusing me in almost every form of abuse there is. I’m not sure what to do as I’m still with him so I deserve it, maybe I still love him too that’s why I’m still with him? I married him so it’s just part of a marriage, it’s just the bad part.

    I appreciate your thoughts on my dads death and grief. Todays a better day grief wise as I seem to be focused on being safe and not getting hurt by my husband. I’m not sure if I’ll look for another GP yet, I’m still hurt by his reluctance to listen to me. I didn’t realise that they have to report domestic violence. Maybe it’s good he ignored me as I don’t want my husband getting charged, I just want him to get help.

    I’d better go as I can’t stay in the car all day. I need to just deal with what happens. Thanks for your concern. I can’t believe anyone cares about me.

    Regards,

    Emo.

    1 person found this helpful
  13. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9849 posts
    20 September 2020 in reply to Emo

    Hello Emo...

    I have been listening along here..as your story some of it could be my story..

    I married my late husband when I was two weeks over 18..to get away from my very abusive childhood of sexual, physical and emotional abuse..My late husband was kind and caring towards me, for a few months then his true nature emerged....I was sexually, physically, and emotionally abused by him...I went from bad to worse.

    38 years I was married to him and lived a life that I was ashamed off..So many things went on behind closed doors, that if I told anyone..I wouldn’t be believed..Even one of my psychologist, closed her doors to me...

    I probably would still be with him, and getting abused even at my age now....if he hadn’t died..because I was so scared of him, even to try to leave....Your story of you folding the towel wrong, brought tears to my eyes as I remembered me folding one of his shirts wrong..I just took his abuse over something so trivial..because I thought I was wrong and deserved the abuse....If I said something back to him..I would have been physically hurt..

    When I came here to Beyond Blue, I was to ashamed to speak the whole truth..it took a while..but eventually I opened up here, and I thought how could people be so nice and caring to me...I don’t deserve that..It took me a long time to realise that I do deserve people’s care through these forums I learned to accept that care...as you also do deserve our care and support..

    Many times..I would hide in my car for safety..or when he locked me out..This is was no life for me..nor is it for you..There are so many places that now offer help for people living with domestic violence...

    Please from the depth of my heart, I’m asking you to reach out to these organisations..It is wrong the way he is treating you....It’s not you or your fault..You deserve respect, to be treated with kindness and care..You deserve to feel safe...He will never change..because that’s who he is...I thought I could change my husband...how wrong I was.....

    My husband has been gone 7 years now..but the abuse over those years continues to be replayed over and over again in my mind...He has greatly damaged my soul...I don’t want this to happen to you or anyone else...

    Please Dear Emo..look after you and your safety....That’s so very important...Please reach out for help..

    My kindest thoughts with lots of care Dear Emo..

    Grandy..

    3 people found this helpful
  14. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    711 posts
    20 September 2020 in reply to Emo

    Hi Emo,

    Thank you for keeping in touch - you are very gracious and eloquent and might be surprised by the many people here who care, and are supporting you through your struggles, with thoughts and prayers if not written words.

    I understand your loyalties to the bonds of marriage, but I think you would agree this is not a workable long term solution. Your love is strong but you are unable to speak up to your husband to seek the help he needs and I feel you may be enabling the behaviour, which is only likely to get worse if left unaddressed - and what value will your marriage longevity be if you do not survive the abuse?

    Your father was a stabilsing force in your life and his presence sounds to have been a strong protection for you - mentally and physically. Your mother offers no such concern and I fear your lack of support may pose greater safety risks for you.

    I realise you are concerned about public perception (and you would not be a "loser", but rather the "victim") - do you have others nearby with whom you could confide in for back up and emotional strength? You may not be alone in your suffering and this could become the catalyst for change.

    With sensitive intervention, you may also be proactively saving your marriage.

    Stay strong, Emo, and believe in yourself. I hope you can keep us posted with updates and just so we know you are safe.

    Regards,

    t.

    2 people found this helpful
  15. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    20 September 2020 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Grandy,

    Thank you so much for reaching out to me. Your life is my life. I’m so sorry you had to go through what you did. It matches exactly what I’m going through. I wish I was as strong as you. Reading your post made me realise that I do deserve to be helped and cared for. I’m sick of hiding my secret shame from everyone.

    I’m not sure if I can be strong enough to leave him as I feel like I’m still in love with him maybe. I know exactly what you mean about not feeling you deserve anyone caring about you. I feel like I’m wasting everyone’s time as there are other people who are more worthy of help than me.

    I don’t want to end up seriously hurt or worse but I can’t see my way out of the relationship as I feel like I deserve what happens to me and I’m not sure if he really means to hurt me. I’ve been trying to push help away as I feel like I don’t deserve anyone’s help but I’m going to stop pushing people away and start accepting people’s help.

    Thank you for opening up to me as it’s really helped me.

    Regards,

    Emo.

    2 people found this helpful
  16. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    20 September 2020 in reply to tranzcrybe

    Hi Tranzcrybe,

    Thank you so much for your kind words. It’s really good to hear nice things said about me as it makes a nice change from the hurtful words I normally hear. I feel very lonely but I’m starting to realise how amazing the community members who post in the forums are. They seem to genuinely care about me and my situation. I’ve never felt this good about myself in a long time.

    You’ve made a really good point about the length of my marriage not mattering if I don’t survive it. It opened up my eyes to the fact that the abuse could have very bad consequences. I guess I knew that could happen but I try to avoid thinking too much about it, if I did I would probably shut down completely and stop reaching out to anyone.

    Your words are so insightful as I hadn’t realised what my dads presence in my life meant until you said to me that my dad had a stabilising effect on my life. That explains why the loss of my dad sent me into a downward spiral. I’ve lost the anchor to keep my life together.

    Im unfortunately on my own without any support as I’m not allowed friends as my husband doesn’t want me to talk to others, I think in case I tell them about the abuse. There is one person who is a friend of his that I could maybe talk to but everything I say would be repeated straight back to him.

    I have no one to talk to. That is why I’m so grateful that I can post here because before I started posting I was just coping with everything on my own. I had become so overwhelmed that I was afraid of doing something to myself just to end the pain, I felt that was the only way out so I reached out for help via this forum.

    I’m so grateful for your concern and support. Thank you.

    Regards,

    Emo.

    2 people found this helpful
  17. blondguy
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    blondguy avatar
    11367 posts
    20 September 2020 in reply to Emo

    Good Morning Emo

    Thankyou for taking the time to reply (not that we expect a response) to myself and everyone. You speak from the heart. I am sorry you are in this situation especially when you mentioned 'Im unfortunately on my own without any support as I’m not allowed friends as my husband doesn’t want me to talk to others'

    I meant it when I said you are amazing...because you are! Thankyou for the super complimentary feedback too

    Great to have you as part of the Beyond Blue forum family Emo

    my kindest always

    Paul

    Polite Note....Your well being is paramount....all other considerations are secondary

    1 person found this helpful
  18. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    711 posts
    21 September 2020 in reply to Emo

    Hi Emo,

    With no one else to talk to, I am so thankful you chose to reach out here on the forums. It must be so difficult to keep everything bottled up inside and you are incredibly strong and selfless making the sacrifices and justifications for your husband's mistreatment.

    Grandy has been where you are now, and I concur with her words for you to seek assistance. I also understand your reticence over 'rocking the boat' and all of the upheaval that comes from instigating change - particularly in the midst of your own emotional turmoil with your father's passing. But, as Paul alluded to, you must show care for your well being as priority.

    You are a beautiful person with much to offer and share and I hope you can see us as friends by your side with whom you can freely express your feelings, struggles, and expectations along the way.

    Kind regards,

    t.

    1 person found this helpful
  19. Ggrand
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Ggrand avatar
    9849 posts
    21 September 2020 in reply to Emo

    Hello Dear Emo, and everyone...🤗..

    I wish I was strong, I have 3 sons..2 that we raised, The middle was was adopted out..because of trickery and threats by my husband and father in law..I was so weak when I was with him..and because of me..my other 2 sons were mentally and at times physically abused by their father....Something I cannot forgive myself for...

    Like you I wasn’t allowed friends, my children weren’t allowed their friends to visit....Life was hell on earth for me..but I was scared to leave him....and I still loved him...it’s strange isn’t it..that we can be both scared and still love them...I think it’s not love but a dependence on them, because we are groomed to feel useless and pathetic without them..

    I really hope that you can find help somewhere to get you out of the position you are in....Please don’t don’t give up trying precious lady...you’re so worth a life of true love and happiness...Don’t believe what you’ve been told or what you’re thinking...These type of people groom us to feel, unloved, worthless, useless, to depend on them..

    I am also so pleased that you’re talking here...I believe the longer you are in your situation..the more damage it will do to your soul...the harder it will be for you to heal...I can’t tell you to leave him....that has to be your decision...because we are no related...but if you were my sister or best friend I can and I would tell them to just pack there clothes and move somewhere safe...

    I’m sorry if I said wrong..I know it’s a very delicate situation your in...your hearts being torn in 2 ..by the love you have for him and wanting to help him....then wanting to escape from his abusive self...

    Talk anytime you feel the need to...we are all here for you precious lady... we care for you and you matter a lot to us...

    Grandy..

    1 person found this helpful
  20. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    21 September 2020 in reply to blondguy

    Hi Paul,

    I appreciate all of the wonderful members who respond to me so I feel the least I can do is reply to everyone. I felt so alone before I reached out for some help but now I honestly feel like I am truly part of a family. It means the world to me that I can safely talk about my troubles in such a non judgemental way so thank you.

    Regards,

    Emo.

    1 person found this helpful
  21. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    21 September 2020 in reply to tranzcrybe

    Hi Tranzcrybe,

    I’m so grateful for your lovely words as I’ve had a really bad day. I know I can’t really mention what happened to me as it could be too much for others to hear but I’m in a lot of pain. I got so cold in my car that I had to go inside. I had to leave the safety of my car. I’m not sure how much longer I can put up with it, I’m so tired of covering for him and making excuses for him. I think I still love him but could he really love me when he inflicts such pain on me. It’s all just too much.

    It also looks like I’m losing my job due to me having time off for my dads death and funeral. It’s also due to me having a few days off for domestic violence related injuries. My heart is broken as I love my job but also because of the fact that without a job I will no longer have a chance to escape the abuse if I want that. I feel like I’m being punished for what he’s doing to me. I need to just forget about having any safety. I need to just accept what he does to me as I will be with him 24/7 without my job.

    I’m sorry to be so emotional as I started off replying to your latest reply to me but my emotions got the better of me as I know I need to keep my emotions in check. What have I done to deserve this much pain? I’m sorry, I’m being selfish when my problems are minor compared to other people. I just need to accept the abuse. It’s not too hard to hide this time with make up but I’m not sure how easy it is to forget what he did to me. I’d better stop complaining as I probably deserved it, maybe it was because of something I did. I’m just so sore.

    Regards,

    Emo.

  22. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6622 posts
    21 September 2020 in reply to Emo
    Hi Emo

    Thank you for reaching out again and letting us know where you are at. We are so sorry you are experiencing such abuse, and are glad you have at least this place to share your feelings. Nobody deserves to be experiencing what you are going through right now, please keep remembering that you have the same right everyone has to live in safety and that you deserve kindness and respect.

    We want to remind you that 1800RESPECT offer support 24/7 for people impacted by domestic or family violence and abuse. You can contact them anytime on 1800 737 732 or through https://www.1800respect.org.au/  Also our Support Service is available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via online chat (3pm-midnight) at www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  If you are concerned for your safety at any point, please contact triple zero for immediate assistance.

    Please do keep posting here to let us know how you are going, and we hope that you can find advice and support from our community.
  23. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    711 posts
    22 September 2020 in reply to Emo

    Hi Emo,

    No need to apologise at all, Emo - you are entitled to feel overcome by the abuse being measured out to you.

    I say again: Domestic violence is a criminal offence and you deserve none of it.

    Your job is a lifeline for you in more ways than one :-

    1. As you mentioned, it gives you time away from the abuse,
    2. You have a justifiable outlet to explain to your employer the reasons behind your time off;
    3. From your sensitive perspective, you are not specifically complaining about the abuse, but merely explaining the circumstances for your absence;
    4. You will be opening a line of support through confidential conversation and available assistance.

    Please do this for the sake of your job and your personal safety. Your employer will at least have the facts and can make a better evaluation regarding your dedication and present situation.

    One more thing, Emo, you may find immediate action if you take yourself to a hospital emergency department - they are not allowed to release you back into a risk environment.

    You really do need to extricate yourself from harm as your loyalties are blinding you to the reality.

    Take care, Emo. Nothing you mention can be "too much" for your friends to handle.

    Kind regards,

    t.

    2 people found this helpful
  24. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    22 September 2020 in reply to Ggrand

    Hi Grandy,

    I'm so sorry for what you went through and are still going through as I truly believe it does stay with you for the rest of your life. I know how hard it must be with the guilt of what happened to your children but you would have been in a very damaged and vulnerable space when it was happening as I know I can’t think straight while I’m in this space. None of what happened is your fault. I don’t have to worry about children as I’m unable to have any due to something my husband did to me. I won’t go into details as it still haunts me. All I ever wanted was to be a mother but he robbed me of that. Maybe it’s for the best as I don’t know what kind of a mother I would have been. I’d probably be such a failure as I’m such a loser. I can’t believe I’ve told anyone this as it’s supposed to stay a secret. It’s brought up all ready bad memories. I need to take a break for a few minutes as I’m coming apart a bit. I’m sorry, I’m back now. I’m ready to continue with my reply now.

    I’m sorry that your life was hell on earth as it does really change you with what you are going through. I struggle like you with how I can be so badly hurt by him but still love him. I’m so confused as he knows what to say to me to make me fall in love with him again but he also knows what to say to me which hurts me deeply as I do still see glimmers of the man I married.

    I’m not sure if I care what happens to me anymore as my heart is broken. I feel like I deserve everything he does to me. The last lot of abuse he inflicted on me has truly made me question what to do. It’s like I’m not sure what I should do anymore.

    I usually take care of my injuries myself so my secret shame is kept to myself but I have been abused where I’ve needed to visit the hospital before. I had to lie to them and tell them I had a fall. I guess they must have believed me as they didn’t ask me any other questions. When will I feel it’s ok to leave? I should be so grateful that he’s willing to be with me. I’m struggling so much right now. It feels like he’s killed me deep inside. I’m so sorry, I’m supposed to be comforting you after your reply to me but instead I’ve turned it into me venting. I’m sorry.

    Regards,

    Emo.

  25. Emmen
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Emmen avatar
    390 posts
    22 September 2020 in reply to Emo

    Dear Emo,

    My heart breaks reading everything you've said. You're such a beautiful person, so full of life. Your husband has robbed you of the joy you should be having, of having the right to see how beautiful life can be. You don't deserve any of this. But yet you're so faithful to your marriage.

    I understand your reluctance to leave, I understand why you want to keep this marriage going. But sometimes, we need to understand that these wishes to achieve an 'ideal' must be cast aside when the circumstances don't support them. You're not living your life as you should. Life will be so much happier without receiving this abuse. You can have a life without having to hide your injuries, a life where you can be free of this constant fear that haunts you. That is what you deserve. To be happy in life.

    Getting physically abused just for folding a towel wrongly? A towel can be folded in any way, it's just a piece of cloth! There is no mistake here, you do not deserve any kind of abuse. His behaviour is unjustified. Abuse that leaves you unable to have children? Emo, this is in no way something that you deserve. This is violent assault and a criminal offence. You have to see that, please, for your own sake. You're the victim here and he has manipulated your world such that you think you deserve this treatment. There's even a term for this behaviour - it's called gaslighting. And it's a form of psychological abuse. Him apologising for his abuse and then falling into the same pattern again? Don't fall into that trap, please. This is his cycle of manipulation and only you can break this cycle.

    I'm worried for you, Emo. I'd make a police report about the abuse. Again, I urge you to call 1800RESPECT and seek their professional advice on what your next steps should be. You've shown so much courage posting here and seeking help. You have the courage to leave this marriage.

    A huge hug for you,
    M

    1 person found this helpful
  26. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    22 September 2020 in reply to Emmen

    Hi Emmen,

    Thank you for replying to me. I’m not sure if would know what to do without my husband in my life. I’ve been with him for almost 20 years. There was probably a year or so where things were ok then it got bad, then very bad. I didn’t really notice it changing as it changed gradually but I believe the verbal abuse has happened throughout our entire marriage. The words hurt me more than the physical abuse except for the times when I’ve been hospitalised. Then that was really bad. I won’t go into detail but I wondered how someone I loved so much who I have committed to could hurt me like that.

    I was told it was all my fault and that I deserved it but speaking to the wonderful people in the forums I’m starting to wonder if that’s true. Is saying hello to him a reason to hurt me? I’ve just accepted it all until now but I’ve just started to think about how much of the abuse is my fault. I wouldn’t have been able to do that without everyone’s help so thank you.

    I also contacted 1800Respect tonight via online chat. I spoke to a nice person who suggested a women’s refuge but the one locally isn’t one I could stay at as my husband knows where it is. I also think I probably wasn’t ready to talk to them unless I wanted to leave him. The internal struggle I’m having with loving him and wanting to be safe is slowly killing me inside. How do I decide when I feel like I’ve committed to him for life. Even when he’s done some horrific things to me I still agree that it was probably my fault as I probably deserved it. It’s so hard to cope on my own. Thankfully I don’t feel totally on my own any more due to the lovely people who are reaching out to me in these forums. It gives me a bit of hope for once. Thank you.

    Regards,

    Emo.

    1 person found this helpful
  27. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    711 posts
    22 September 2020 in reply to Emo

    Hi Emo,

    What a positive step for you chatting online to 1800RESPECT - would you not be safe even in a refuge?

    I have been looking for information on what may be a PTSD you could be suffering...

    https://www.healthline.com/health/battered-woman-syndrome (sorry that is such an inappropriate sounding address)

    I found the 'stages' particularly relevant but you may find some helpful advice contained within - see what you think.

    You are doing really well processing your emotions, Emo.

    Regards,

    t.

    1 person found this helpful
  28. Emo
    Emo avatar
    225 posts
    22 September 2020 in reply to tranzcrybe

    Hi Tranzcrybe,

    Unfortunately I can’t go to the local women’s refuge in my home town as it’s known by my husband. I’m not sure if I’m ready to leave him so I’m not going to even think about doing that yet.

    Wow, your suggestion of battered woman syndrome is exactly what I have. The realisation that I now have a name for what I’m going through is amazing. I’m going to read more about the condition but thank you for suggesting it. You are right about the stages, I’m stuck on stage 2. I’m not sure how to get to stage 3 and beyond. Thank you for opening up my eyes to something I’ve never heard of.

    Regards,

    Emo.

    1 person found this helpful
  29. monkey_magic
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    monkey_magic avatar
    4895 posts
    22 September 2020 in reply to Emo
    Hi dear Emo,

    I have read your whole thread.

    I will again reiterated what many others have said but you battle to believe because of mental games he's been playing with your mind.
    THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT and YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. IT IS ALL HIS FAULT.
    Please believe us because we have your best interests in mind and in heart.

    You are WORTHY of love and respect. You do not deserve abuse, pain, embarrassment, humiliation, trauma.

    There is nothing wrong with you. The only thing wrong in this situation is his TREATMENT of you.

    Please keep reaching out for help to save your life.

    If u can't go to that refuge go to another one. I believe you need to go into hiding. You need to go to a refuge where you can be safe and supported by other woman. They will help you when you cannot help yourself.

    Darling at the present time you might not have the strength through no fault of your own to help/ save yourself. So, lean on us, lean on people in life. Tell people, PLEASE. Please tell more doctors.
    Even better, go to the police, but I suggest a refuge first so you have the support, and they can go with you.

    You matter, you are important. Your health and safety matter to us.

    We care immensely. Please don't continue to be with him.

    You only have one you and one life...why are you letting another human demolish it?
    He is programming you. Honey, this is not love.
    1 person found this helpful
  30. tranzcrybe
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    tranzcrybe avatar
    711 posts
    22 September 2020 in reply to Emo

    Yes, Emo, I understand completely. Happy to have a 'label' for you - it can help to know it's a real condition (sadly) and you are certainly not alone (- and neither responsible nor deserving).

    Finding a PTSD therapist might help you through 'stage 3' (which I think you are 'studying' presently) and onward.

    Please stay safe, and call emergency numbers if you are in peril.

    Regards,

    t.

    1 person found this helpful

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