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Forums / Relationship and family issues / 4 months apart and I am feeling so much worse

Topic: 4 months apart and I am feeling so much worse

9 posts, 0 answered
  1. hugbear
    hugbear avatar
    5 posts
    20 August 2014

    I honestly don't know what to do.

    I was with my partner for 15 years and then he turned to drugs, we had a mutual friend who was the same and they are now together.

    So after 4 months I thought it may be getting easier, but it is getting worse.  I miss him so much its unbearable.  I am getting so much help at the moment but no one can understand the pain that I am going through.  For my ex to be with this new person who is basically feral is beyond me and probably an insult.  He is only after him for the money and my ex can't see this.

    He told me we would always be friends but like everything it has only been a lie.

    I don't know how to go on much longer :(

  2. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    22 August 2014 in reply to hugbear

    Hi Hugbear

    Welcome to Beyond Blue and thank you for coming here and providing your post.

    I guess that 4 months is quite a short period when you compare the fact that the two of you were together for 15 years.  So I can understand that this split is still raw and hurtful for/to you.  The missing, the aching, the memories - nothing that you don't already know and are suffering from.

    May I ask what kind of help have you been receiving??

    It also sounds to me that you are perhaps still in some kind of contact with the 'ex', as you say he's turned feral - and perhaps is being 'nasty' to you as well?   I only guess that due to you saying that he said he'd be still friends with you, but apparently that doesn't appear to be the case.

    This part if true (ie:  you still being in contact with him) is going to make the whole process a whole lot slower and will perhaps only stretch out the pain and suffering that you're feeling.  I've tried this myself in the past and it just hurts so much more.  Trying to see the person, hoping, wishing that they'll come back around, but it only ends up in more pain - and kind of a mental torture as well.  It's not until you fully make the break and decide, ok, this is it - no more contact, texting, emailing, whatever it is - it's stopping as of now.  And it's something that I had to do and I told the person that I'm pulling the plug, I won't be trying anymore.

    Hells bells it was super tough at the time, but it got better.  It got easier - it took a while and this will take a while, but it DOES get easier.  I know you probably don't think so at the moment.

    But Hugbear also think of this:   your 'ex' is doing drugs.  I would imagine from your post that you aren't.  He's the one that's abusing his body and pumping it full of awful things.  You should be damn proud of yourself for not going down that path and being the better person.

    Hugbear, I hope I've said something that has helped you (even a little).  I really would love to hear back from you also about this. 

    Write here and chat away - there's wonderful caring people here.

    Kind regards

    Neil

     

  3. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    22 August 2014 in reply to hugbear

    Hugbear

    I have put a reply on, but it hasn't appeared straight away.  I'll wait a few hours and check again.  I have typed it elsewhere, so if it doesn't appear, I'll paste it in here again for you.

    Take care

    Neil

  4. hugbear
    hugbear avatar
    5 posts
    22 August 2014 in reply to Neil_1

    Thanks for responding Neil and your advice has helped.

    My psychologist has said the best thing to do would be to cut ties altogether but that is so hard to do.  I still look at his Facebook and pictures that he posts elsewhere on the internet which I know is not helping me.

    Yes he is doing drugs, something you buy over the counter at sex shops apparently its really good.  Him and his new partner went into a psych hospital for the drug addiction together.  The new partner bought in drugs for the patients and was quickly shown the door.  My ex psychiatrist said to have nothing to do with his new partner but no he won't listen.  Everyone that knows me also knows that that relationship won't last.  They both have very hot tempers and I am surprised its lasting this long.

    On a positive note today has been really good for me.  Its strange I just wish everyday was like today.  

    Anyway am starting a new diet next week and its about time i took care of myself.

    Once again thanks for your reply, it is so appreciate.

  5. hugbear
    hugbear avatar
    5 posts
    22 August 2014 in reply to Neil_1

    Oh and I should say the first time he contacted me was to boast that he flew business class to perth, we were both aviation fanatics so that was cruel to me and I told him so.  Then he requested Facebook friends and all i saw was him and new partner doing stuff, i quickly banned him and told him that i don't need to see any of it

  6. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    23 August 2014 in reply to hugbear

    Hi there Hugbear (love the name, by the way) :)

    I can get a sense that you are slowly on the right track.  And you know the things that you need to be doing, which is fantastic.

    Ditch everything about him from your Facebook - now I know nothing about Facebook, but if you ban him from your friends list - can he still see the stuff you send, etc?  That would be a shame if that can happen.

    I love the part where you said you're starting on a new diet next week.

    I'm somewhat of a fitness junkie, when I'm not injured, so hey, if you need any encouragement with that, or any tips, then I will do my absolute best to try and help.  I can support you on here as well - and we've got other lovely people who'll do the same as well.

    Your focus is great Hugbear.  I'm so pleased that you had a good day, what was it - on Friday??  

    I hope that your weekend is going along ok for you.

    Neil

     

  7. hugbear
    hugbear avatar
    5 posts
    24 August 2014

    I feel totally shattered.  I just saw their Facebook page and they are in a new relationship.  

    I sort of knew this already but it is now confirmed.  I know it has nothing to do with me but this has really upset me

  8. Neil_1
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    Neil_1 avatar
    4232 posts
    25 August 2014 in reply to hugbear

    Hi Hugbear

    Ok, now I'm a bit confused.  They are in a new relationship??   Meaning, they're no longer with each other, but they've now found someone else??

    If that IS the case, then I'd be feeling sorry for them;  to go from relationship to another relationship - to move from one to the other to another - that's not what I'd call quality kinds of relationships at all.

    Hugbear, keep on posting here as long as you want.  And don't forget either, that it's 4 months and counting for you.  Now's the time to be ultra strong and remove all aspects of his life from yours.

    What do you reckon?

    Neil

     

  9. hugbear
    hugbear avatar
    5 posts
    25 August 2014 in reply to Neil_1

    they keep breaking up and putting up updated status on Facebook that they are in a new relationship the latest being as of 7th august.  Obviously its not lasting.

     

    Been thinking about seeing a solicitor apparently due to the 15 years I may be able to get some assets but I have to weigh up is it really worth it

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