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Forums / Relationship and family issues / A story of a shattered heart

Topic: A story of a shattered heart

8 posts, 0 answered
  1. this_too_shall_pass
    this_too_shall_pass avatar
    3 posts
    13 October 2014

    Hi all.

    I have recently gone through a breakup with a man who battles with depression. He said he cant be with anybody, which I can believe, but I suspect there was more. He often mentioned maybe we got together for the wrong reasons, but I never did believe that. We would of been resentful,hurtful, or  fought. We never did. He had a temper, directed at himself, & I was the only one who calmed him. He hasn't had anyone in his life that stuck by him like I did. I know he never used me, but I know he took me for granted. I also know deep down our relationship revolved around him, not us,  & I gave so much of myself up to him.  He has 2 beautiful girls that I became very attached to & wasn't allowed to say goodbye to them. I know I wasn't their mum but it hurt to think that he didn't care to give me the opportunity to get some closure on a big part of my existence for the last 15 months. He seems to have no grief over the separation, but then again, he always hides from emotions the deeper his depression becomes. I know for a fact my help was too much, he is a very proud man & I think I smothered him with my good inentions. We've stopped communication, at his doing because he needs space. He has called every shot in this break up & I've been understanding, yet screaming inside. As I write this, it all seems so clear cut. Pick up the pieces & move on. He cant care for you right now, let him go. What happens if you know of all this but cant do it? I am strong girl, but for some reason this has hit me so hard that I cant seem to breathe. Its been almost 2 months. I thought last week I was getting there, I got back into kickboxing, I made plans with friends, I even did the post-breakup new wardrobe shop. But I stopped for a moment, and it all came back. It guess it doesn't feel right, this break up.

    I would love to hear from anyone who's emotions, mind and heart hasn't seem to caught up to the reality of knowing its over. How do you get through each day? Its getting harder each day that passes. I'm not eating, I struggle to not to cry. My house looks like a tornado has gone through it twice - and I'm a neat freak. I get through each day just to go to sleep at night, which is tormented by nightmares. At what point does one get herself to the doctor? Or do I keep getting up each day with the vague hope that one day Ill get my spring back? They all say there is light at the end of the tunnel. I'm sure there is many on here who don't believe that like I don't.

     

     

  2. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    13 October 2014 in reply to this_too_shall_pass

    Hi and welcome to Beyond Blue. As your nick name says, "This too shall pass" but it will take time, how much, only you will know.

    It sounds like you really loved this guy and his daughters, and put a lot of time and effort into your relationship and also into helping your guy with his depression.

    Depression is a hard illness to live with, and when it flares up, people sometimes behave differently and unexpectedly.

    I'm wondering if you are going through a grief period, which would be totally possible after the loss of not just your boyfriend, his girls, but the sense of family. I suggest you Google grief and look at the different steps involved.

    It is great you have returned to some of your normal events and are catching up with friends. All of those things are important, so you are taking the right steps to return to some form of normalcy for you.

    Regarding the house, start with one room at a time. Maybe your bedroom, then the kitchen, or the other way around. Take small steps, one job at a time.

    You could use the Beyond Blue phone number or chat line for help and advice on how to cope and get back on your feet.

    Like I mentioned, check out the stages of grief and see if any of that fits for you.

    Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools

     

  3. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    9744 posts
    13 October 2014 in reply to this_too_shall_pass

    Hi TSPP, welcome to Beyond Blue forums,

    2 months in and you are a mess.  I've had three long term relationships the first 6 years defacto, the second 11 years of marriage with 2 daughters 7 and 4 when we split and the third 10 years defacto. Now I'm happily married the last 4 years

    All broken relationships took me about 12-18 months before I progressed or recovered from them so you have a way to go and yes, the symptoms of grief were the same as yours, crying a lot, etc the grief is really hard to cope with.

    By far the first marriage was the most difficult as it involved losing my full time fatherood of my girls 7 and 4yo. So how did I possibly get through this?  In a word- diversion.  Kept myself busy, bought a block of land, built my own house while working two shift work jobs and free time had the girls over in my caravan. Yeh being busy helped a lot. I also got a lot of opinions from others. Funny how one or two stick in your head. One older man, very wise, told me at one of my weak moments (I was thinking of going back as the grief for my kids was unbearable) he said "never go backwards". He was right.

    So, be wise, let your head rule for a while, think logically that it will get easier as time goes by. you will return to your old self and your home will be spick and span. Find your friends and visit them, get a second job for a while, go on a road trip, fins a hill and watch the sunset. And find love again.

  4. this_too_shall_pass
    this_too_shall_pass avatar
    3 posts
    14 October 2014

    Im so glad I made the decision to come onto the forum. The replies have really helped me. I think you might be right Mrs Dools. I am definitely grieiving, stuck somewhere between denial and anger. I truly did love this man and his beautiful girls, and just cant believe they wont be part of my life anymore. They say its the little things that make a relationship big, I just cant believe that the snuggling on the couch with a movie or fun video games with the girls wont be happening anymore. I know I need to let him go, so he can fix himself. I guess when we were together, I couldn't help the demons in his head, so I over-compensated by giving him other things as my way of letting him know I was there. In turn this smothered him, took his alone time away from his girls and made me seem controlling. I really just did have his best interests at heart. My gut instinct also knows that he left me so he could be committed to no one and live the sleep around life he has never had. It hurts, but still doesn't stop me from missing him. Every damn minute. I just really wish he could think of himself as highly as I do, as he always said he wasn't good enough for me and he wasn't the man for me. I saw the real him from the start & all I hope is that one day he figures out just how special he is. Gah.. will I ever stop worrying & wanting him to be healthy?

    White knight, wow, you have really inspired me. I woke up really upset today, but reading this, I know I can get past this. Ive already applied for jobs today as my current position is my biggest problem - bored and only my thoughts to occupy me. I will start clearing out a room tonight. Ive booked a chick flick night in with a friend. "Never go backwards". So simple, yet so true. I know I have a long road ahead of me. I know that one day I will be able to let go of these amazing people who I cherish so much. You win some, you lose some. I know that, one day I will learn to live with that. I will get past my hurt and torment, time will heal me im sure.  Im just so thankful to have found this amazing community of people, who despite going through their own struggles, find time to offer advice. Today is a bad day, tomorrow might be better yeah? If not, I will come on here and read/talk about the inspiring stories of those so much worse off then this broken hearted girl.

  5. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9744 posts
    14 October 2014 in reply to this_too_shall_pass

    Dear TSPP,

    You indeed have made my day.   Feel free to repost or keep in touch. We are here for you. 

    Have a good day.

    Tony

  6. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    14 October 2014 in reply to this_too_shall_pass

    Dear TSPP,

    Your message sounds so much more positive! Excellent. It does help to share how you are feeling doesn't it?

    I like White Knight's suggestions for moving on. You can remember this guy and his children with fondness, think of the good times and wish them well in your mind.

    Regrets and what ifs just do your head in. We could all think that way and get lost in those thoughts. Been there done that. And while I have been wallowing in what I thought were lost opportunities in the past, I was wasting the now and tarnishing the future. Not much point in that.

    Catch up with friends, do things you enjoy, keep yourself busy, and continue to work on ways to improve your life.

    All the best to you, From Mrs. Dools

  7. this_too_shall_pass
    this_too_shall_pass avatar
    3 posts
    15 October 2014

    It does help to post how you are feeling. Was having really positive days after posting and reading everyone's replies. Have started selling off unwanted furniture to help with the clean up. Had a job interview. Sorted some more catch ups with friends.

    Then randomly the hurt just hit hard today. They don't pull you aside to tell you that even though love is the greatest thing to happen to you, its also the most painful thing to happen. I think I need to let go of the rejection he just served to me. The grief and how much I miss him is just consuming me at the moment. There are only so many hours in the day that one can keep busy enough to keep the pain level down. But one step at a time. Today is a bad day. I can make it through this.

  8. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Doolhof avatar
    8810 posts
    16 October 2014 in reply to this_too_shall_pass

    Hi TTSP,

    I am sorry to read you have had a bad day, unfortunately they come to us all now and then. Sometimes the hurt and pain just hits us out of nowhere it seems and we need to try to pull ourselves back together again.

    It seems you are trying to do all you can to help yourself move on. It is good you have been arranging to catch up with friends. Are you able to chat with your friends about how you are feeling?

    How did the job interview go? Hope you find something suitable soon.

    Wishing you well as you continue on with your journey. Always feel welcome to share here, we all understand the ups and downs of life!

    Thinking of you, from Mrs. Dools

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