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Forums / Relationship and family issues / afraid of losing relationship

Topic: afraid of losing relationship

10 posts, 0 answered
  1. confirmed08
    confirmed08 avatar
    14 posts
    2 May 2021
    my girlfriend and I have been dating for about 8 months, but I still haven’t quite settled I guess is the best way to put it. This is my first relationship, she’s been in multiple previous, and so I’ve been quite critical of myself and continue to. I’m constantly apologising for almost everything, and she seems to becoming more and more frustrated and less inclined to try and sort it as she has attempted to many times. I just pressure myself all the time to be perfect, but I mess things up and hate myself more and more for it. I feel this is beginning to derail our relationship, and the thought of that frightens and saddens me greatly. She tells me to just relax, to slow down, but being in year 12 and balancing a relationship I just can’t slow down, I don’t really get an opportunity to.
  2. Ggrand
    Community Champion
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    Ggrand avatar
    9087 posts
    2 May 2021 in reply to confirmed08

    Hello Dear confirmed08..

    Your girl friend is so right..relax and enjoy being with your girlfriend...trying to be perfect all the time isn’t who you are and no one is perfect...Just be yourself and follow your heart....

    There should be no need to put pressure on yourself in a relationship...just by being the person that you were when you first got together is who you are and who she liked enough to be with you...

    My kind thoughts..

    Grandy..

  3. missep123
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    845 posts
    2 May 2021 in reply to confirmed08

    Hi confirmed08,

    I am sorry to hear that you have been feeling this way. It can be so hard when we are tough on ourselves and put pressure on ourselves. Have you spoken to a professional or a friend about how you are feeling?

    When I feel as though I am putting too much pressure on myself, it makes me feel better to speak to someone external to what's going on. It helps to balance my perspective.

    We are here for you!

  4. Croix
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    Croix avatar
    10378 posts
    2 May 2021 in reply to confirmed08

    Dear Confirmed08~

    Grandy is spot on, nobody is perfect, particularly in relationships, and even the idea that you may have done a particular thing wrong can be a mistaken belief on your part.

    Grandy is also right that the peron you are is what attracted your girlfriend to you. This is who you actually are, not who you aspire to be though a haze of self-criticism and doubt. As you mentioned she has tried relationships with other people before, and has found you to compare favorably with them -a compliment which you need to believe -which is why she is with you.

    The need to apologize for perceived faults does not really help, it is a sort of reflex action based on the idea that what you did was not up to expectations - mostly yours. You girlfriend might smooth over things and make you feel better short-term, but in the long term if this is always required having to do this places a burden on both of you.

    When you think about it I'd expect you would realise it is a lack of confidence in yourself, coupled with anxiety. After all a first relationship can be a worrying time anyway.

    So what to do?

    May I suggest you need support, both in relationships, but also study too. Trying to fix yourself often does not work, as I found out. I had, amongst other things, anxiety and low self esteem and I only started to improve with the correct medical help -plus family support.

    When you last spoke you mentioned you were planning to talk things over with your mum, can I ask how that went?

    There is one other thing to remember, and that is your girlfriend will have faults too, she is human after all, even if you think she is perfect (which is only natural). A good relationship does not expect perfection, and makes allowances for the other person . Affection, enjoyment and constancy are important, not perfection

    If you would like to talk with a live voice or use chat on-line I'd suggest the professionals at the Kids Help Line (1800 55 1800) would be ideal.

    Please say how you are going

    Croix

  5. confirmed08
    confirmed08 avatar
    14 posts
    2 May 2021 in reply to Ggrand

    hey Ggrand, thanks for responding I really do appreciate it.

    I’m finding it hard to go back to that person I was 8 months ago, I just feel like I run and I need stress I don’t really know who I am anymore when I’m not stressed over something or other. I just wanna be something more, something better, worthwhile

  6. confirmed08
    confirmed08 avatar
    14 posts
    2 May 2021 in reply to missep123

    hey missep thanks for the reply it means a lot.

    towards the end of last year when this was starting to build I approached a school counsellor who I felt to not really take my issue seriously and almost laugh it off, granted I’m not very good at explaining how I’m feeling and I suppose the severity wasn’t apparent. I’ve never really wanted to approach friends in case they view me differently, and the same really goes for my parents. I just wanna be the easy child who is cheerful, and so far I’ve been able to uphold that. I don’t wanna lose that.

  7. confirmed08
    confirmed08 avatar
    14 posts
    2 May 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix thank you for the reply.

    I don’t know why it’s the case but I just can’t take in what my girlfriend really sees in me. I’ve has self esteem issues in the past, but they’ve become far more amplified now. I never really ended up having a proper conversation with my mum, there’s something about my parents that makes me always afraid to ask for things or to open up. They are quite approachable but I just get incredibly anxious doing it. I do, however, feel less pressure to go into uni next year, but I’m still incredibly concerned over what comes next after school and the future as a whole. I don’t really want to alert my family to my issues, as I stated to misstep I hold myself in high regard as being cheerful 95% of the time and don’t really want to lose that in a way.

  8. geoff
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    geoff avatar
    15314 posts
    3 May 2021 in reply to confirmed08

    Hello Confirmed, welcome and thanks to those above me for replying.

    You can't keep on apologising to try and win the respect of your girlfriend, OK once or twice is alright, but to continually do it when nothing much has happened will win her favour, but only for a very short time, long term it begins to become annoying, for you to say you're sorry when it has nothing to do with you.

    To apologise to try and make you feel better may happen, simply because you feel uncomfortable and unsure of what else to say, but it's not your fault to feel responsible for other people's mistakes or inappropriate behaviour, if there is something wrong then it may have nothing to do with you but another person's problem, don't apologise to her but complain to the other person who caused the mistake.

    As has been said, no one can be perfect, no matter how hard they try, and the more they do try the chance of making a mistake is possible.

    I'm just curious to know if there are other habits, obsessions you need to do.

    est wishes.

    Geoff.

  9. Guest_3256
    Guest_3256 avatar
    324 posts
    3 May 2021 in reply to confirmed08

    Hi confirmed08.

    Water on a ducks back - it seems that you maybe stressing out causing you to much anxiety and worry - which is totally normal and healthy, especially that you are younger, it will help you learn how to better handle stress, anxiety and worry will.

    Your GF is right - try slowing down a bit and focus on feeling better.

  10. missep123
    Community Champion
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    missep123 avatar
    845 posts
    12 May 2021 in reply to confirmed08

    Hi confirmed08,

    I am really sorry to hear that the school counsellor wasn't very helpful, I think that it took a lot of strength for you to reach out to them. Unfortunately there are good counsellors and not so great ones.

    It sounds like you care for your family and friends so much and what they think of you. I am like that too. I realised though that putting on a 'mask' can sometimes burn me out and it can be a true test of friendship if they are able to support you through a tough time.

    We are here for you!

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