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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

Topic: Anxiety and Depression in Relationship - Love or Not?

  1. lost6
    lost6 avatar
    18 posts
    16 October 2018 in reply to Helplessanxiety

    Hi everyone,

    I hope this is ok, I thought I’d give you a look at the situation from my end on the hope it will show you how important communication is.

    My boyfriend of almost a year broke up with me 6 weeks ago. I was completely blindsided, only the day before we were planning Christmas with his family and started organising our New Years trip together. I had noticed in the few weeks leading up to the breakup that he was stressed however when I brought it up he said it was uni exams. Other than this our relationship was amazing. He had told me multiple times I was his soul mate and I thought we would be together forever.

    when he broke up with me he said he was feeling anxious and depressed in his life, however this was the first I had even heard of it. He said he assumed it was the relationship causing it (there were no problems in the relationship though) and therefore it had to go from his life. His plan is to live alone for 6-12 months to work on his mental health and has asked for zero contact from me. I have recently decided that I won’t wait for him because I need to look after myself. I am still heart broken and devastated that he did this and I wish with everything I had he had just talked to me about his struggles. I also have a sister with severe anxiety so I understand the need to discuss things.

    what I’m trying to highlight is the importance of communicating with your partner. Let them know if you’re feeling anxious, if there’s something with the relationship is upsetting you or if something else is upsetting you. If you love your partner give them a chance to be there to support you, don’t assume they don’t want to help you. Like people have mentioned above, if you love each other you will move mountains to stay together. It sounds like all of you want to stay in your relationships which is great, because it’s the first step you’re taking to fighting this! I honestly wish you all the best in your relationships and that you all get a happy ending.

    I hope this helped a little bit.

    1 person found this helpful
  2. Mitchy802
    Mitchy802 avatar
    12 posts
    17 October 2018

    Just wondering:

    For those people who have had their partners suddenly cut off contact because they need to think, what was the outcome? Did they walk away in the end?

    As the partner who was left behind how did you deal with it? Did you try to intiate contact and did this make it worse? Or did you struggle silently and give them the space they said they needed?

    1 person found this helpful
  3. angel33
    angel33 avatar
    2 posts
    12 December 2018 in reply to Helplessanxiety
    Hi Helplessanxiety, I’m also new to this forum and I found it really comforting seeing people going through the exact same thing as me but I haven’t seen that many stories with finding a solution or if breaking up is the only solution, how did you go with your experience? did you end up resolving it or working out why it happened? I have days of clarity but other days I’ll be completely consumed with guilt for having doubts or intrusive thoughts that I have to break up but when it comes to actually thinking of breaking up, it hurts so much and I’d miss my boyfriend so much and not just the relationship, help please
  4. angel33
    angel33 avatar
    2 posts
    12 December 2018 in reply to Mitchy802
    Hi just wondering if you found a solution?
  5. Damien2812
    Damien2812 avatar
    26 posts
    30 December 2018 in reply to Helplessanxiety

    Well this thread has also resonated with me too so around 5 months ago I broke up our wedding planned for october. Sometime in april we visited her brother in laws place where her brother in law asked us if we have found somewhere to live after marriage I said yeah we will rent until Im finished paying off my car loan and change jobs since work was far from where we were going to live. His reply was why rent when house prices were low and renting is dead money from that it went back and forwards with him telling me to sell the car and buy a house. I told him no Im not selling the car which was something I wanted long before I met her. So this went back and forward with my fiancee agreeing to what he was saying by that point I was really worked up, low and angry. Anyways next day my fiancee told me if we don't do this now where going to have issues by that point it didn't settle in until work the next day where I started to think what was said over the weekend regarding my car etc.. During these thoughts my intruition said Should I break up? From that point I fell apart slowly and tried for 2 months to get on top of those thoughts which changed to do I love her? and do I want to get married? when I started to use CBT on my break up thought. Anyways I ended the relationship in july and slowly my anxiety started to dissipate and now feel myself again. I still think about the relationship, the companionship, the intimacy and just how much places we went together which I've missed over the holiday peroid but I don't get any thoughts of getting back together.

  6. Anxioussydneysider
    Anxioussydneysider avatar
    1 posts
    25 January 2019

    Hi everyone.

    Not sure if this is still being read but I found this forum last year and it really helped me. I’ve been with my partner for almost a year, and my anxiety set in a few months in. I didn’t realise what it was until a few months ago. At first I thought the spark was going, my attraction was dying and that I had to end it. This obviously led to a fight because he thought I didn’t want to be with him. I had an anxiety attack when that happened and threw up. It’s probably my worst memory.

    This anxiety repeated each month, usually around my period and I didn’t know what was wrong with me. I didn’t realise that my anxiety would set in each time I became comfortable. I spoke with my parents and they tried to help, saying it was just my hormones. No one in my family suffers from anxiety.

    Eventually it got to the point where it didn’t disappear. And my boyfriend can always sense when something is wrong. I’d have “bad thoughts” that made me feel guilty. Thoughts where I’d wonder what if. Or if I wanted someone else. Or scared that I’d feel for another guy. Even though when any guy comes up to me I’m completely cold. I’m at the point now where I know that my head and my actions in those circumstances don’t match up. I worry about doing the wrong thing when I’m not capable of it.

    My boyfriend is absolutely amazing and we’re at the point now where I can talk to him about what’s bothering me. I’m so glad I can confide in him. It wasn’t easy in the beginning. It caused a problem when I first told him. But articles and reading others posts about this stuff helped him understand that it wasn’t because of him or us. It’s just something I can’t shake right now.

    i guess I feel guilty for these thoughts because I feel I’m doing wrong by him. That I shouldn’t keep it from him. But then, I never want to tell him because I know it means nothing even though I can’t convince my brain or anxiety of that. I’m glad I have him to talk to, and I’m glad it’s at the point where it doesn’t bother him anymore, and he can say to me “it’s just your anxiety, you don’t [insert whatever issue it is]”. I also hate that once I confide in him, I expect the guilt and anxiety to go away. And it doesn’t.

    Some days it’s better. Some days it’s crippling. But I am thankful I’m not alone. And that there is a forum here.

    2 people found this helpful
  7. SJ17
    SJ17 avatar
    8 posts
    5 April 2019
    This morning i was feeling really lost, when i stumbled across this post it really resonated with me so thankyou!
    I have never suffered severe or been diagnosed with any form of anxiety. The last 2 months have been terrible. I feel like i am no longer in control, suffering palpitations, chest discomfort, sometimes nausea and definite weight loss.
    I also dont feel like engaging with my friends like i usually would or being as active.
    I cannot pin point when it all started exactly. Now that i think back about 6 months ago or more i was having a hard time deciding on my career path. I was overwhelmed and feeling like i no longer wanted to to follow the same career path.
    That had been on my mind for sometime. My partner has also been on and off work since we have been together (2.5 years). He works in the trades industry and the work is never reliable. He has had mutliple jobs and is currently off work
    and trying to find another job.
    About 2 months ago i started doubting my relationship. Around the same time i was still having career doubts (first time i really cried about it)> i found i was envious of my friends for what they were achieving. Ruminating thoughts crept in which i tried to push away but that seemed to make it worse. I find myself holding back tears most days and sometimes losing it to the point where
    crying hysterically and asking myself 'why am i like this? whats wrong with me?' I feel so guilty about having relationship doubts and dont know why they are there! Is it his job sitaution? I also pondered whether i am not as phsycially attracted to him anymore due to recent weight gain
    (i hate myself for saying that). I think back to the 'honey moon period' and the lust you feel and try to remind myself its normal not to feel that way now...it just transitions into a different feeling but it doesnt mean you love the person any less.
    We have also been living with his family for the past 2 years saving for a house (7 people including us live in the house), its starting to get to me as i dont have my own space. We have not moved out previosuly as we were saving for a house and his job situation has left me feeling insecure i guess.
    I feel terrible as our relationship is amazing. He is my best friend and from the first moment i met him i had no doubts i would spend the rest of my life with him. He is amazingly supportive (even through all this) and we hardly ever
    fight, we laugh and have fun. To be continued...
  8. HiImZeke
    HiImZeke avatar
    1 posts
    13 July 2019 in reply to Scared and Confused

    hi so i don't really know how this whole thing goes but i really gotta know if you found a solution cause like the other 67 people who have find this i feel like i'm going through the same thing. im in high school and i feel that i really truly care for this girl but i started having similar thoughts and i just want them to stop. its gotten to the point where my girlfriend is saying if it continues then she doesnt know if she can cope with it anymore.

    please help.

    thanks.

  9. Maui757
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Maui757 avatar
    76 posts
    16 July 2019

    Hi All,

    I have posted on here a while back, as I am one of those with some severe anxiety issues and it hits my relationship really hard.

    The past week it's been in full force, and I really thought it was the end of my relationship with my long term boyfriend (over 6 years now!!). But then I realised that I was also dissociating, I was losing interest in everyone, not just my partner. I had no sex drive (unusual for me), and all the physical symptoms of severe anxiety.

    There has been a lot of external stresses in my life lately (unrelated to my partner or our relationship) which have obviously been adding up. Then our relationship has been a little rocky as well (a tough patch) and we've been arguing a lot because we are both at weird points in our lives (I'm 25, he's 26 turning 27). We're both learning how to deal with it and struggling.

    However! The doubts about our relationship hit an all time high this last week and a half, and it was horrible. I felt awful, in a constant state of anxiety and panic, unable to sleep, unable to do anything. Absolutely everything would set it off - A song about love, a comment on a facebook post, something someone said. Anything that my brain could relate back to potentially being about a relationship would trigger more panic.

    I eventually told my partner how I was feeling, and although it wasn't a nice experience for either of us, I started to recognise that I was likely thinking and feeling under the "anxiety mode" rather than a normal, rational mode. It helped talking to him about how I was feeling, as he agreed it was anxiety, and reminded me it's happened before. After that, I started to calm down a bit.

    It is still there, but not as bad. I think the key to helping it go away is trusting that my anxiety will eventually pass, and not to make any rash decisions in the meantime. Also, trying to help reduce the other stresses to reduce my anxiety overall DEFINITELY has a good impact.

    Focusing on the good parts of our relationship, where I find myself laughing with my partner about an inside joke, or a brief feeling of loneliness when he's not with me, I use these to remind myself how much I love him. It's slowly coming back :) It just takes time.

    I hope this helps some of you. It's a hard process, but remember you're not alone, and it's "normal" for us anxiety-ridden peeps!

    Maui

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Emptyspaces
    Emptyspaces avatar
    2 posts
    17 July 2019 in reply to Maui757

    Maui, your post has been really helpful to me. I've been experiencing similar problems in my own relationship with insecurity getting to me and making me misinterpret msgs, and worry about all sorts of extreme situations like my partner cheating on me with his old flame or finding someone else or getting frustrated with my constant need for reassurance right now. Thank you for your post :) after reading it I think I will talk to my partner soon about my anxious thoughts so he can better understand.

    I hope things get better for you and the anxiety passes soon, glad your partner is there to support you and soothe you when you're panicking

    1 person found this helpful
  11. Yaj
    Yaj avatar
    2 posts
    18 July 2019

    Hi everyone,

    ive been in a relationship now for a couple of years haven’t been feeling myself for almost 5 months now. This is my first ever relationship. I started over thinking heaps do I love him? Should I care more? What if one day I get sick of him? Scared to go on holidays? Scared of our future.. what if one day I stop loving him when we have kids? Everyone talks about weddings and how exited they are and I get scared thinking about my own is that because of him? I’d constantly have all these negative thoughts running through my mind which made me think this isn’t right don’t be with him? People shouldn’t need to over think their relationship (what I’ve been told)? He is perfect to me we had a great relationship before I started feeling like this which scares me thinking I’m not good enough and makes me beat myself up because I keep asking myself what is wrong with me I shouldn’t be thinking like this? And then I feel guilty because I feel like I’m wasting his time.

    I’ve tried everything.. physc, meditation, healers, even seen a medium (I know people don’t believe in these things) but I was searching for answers trying to pin point WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? One week I’m fine the next I’m crying and can’t deal with this anymore and I get so low and constantly have this heavy feeling on my chest. I’ve been open with my partner with my thoughts and his been so supportive and has said that he knows I’m going through something and he isn’t the reason because he knows by the way I look at him and do things for him that I still love him. I just don’t know what to try and do anymore. I’ve been trying to read books or trying to better myself but I get scared? Like maybe if I read something I’ll end up leaving him..

    I feel a bit better coming across this forum knowing people are going through similar situations which gives me hope that I’m going through something myself and it will all go by and I’ll be back to normal but then I get scared thinking that I’ll fall in this darkness again later on in the future when I’m with him.

  12. Maui757
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Maui757 avatar
    76 posts
    18 July 2019 in reply to Yaj

    Hi Yaj,

    It's great you have a supportive partner who understands what you're going through - That can make a huge difference.

    I understand what you mean though about all your worries and fears - I get the exact same feeling and it's gut wrenching. The idea of losing what I have with my partner is terrifying at best. I can't say for sure if what you're feeling is just anxiety, or if there's something deeper there. But what I remind myself of is, if I really didn't want to be with my partner anymore, surely it wouldn't cause me so much anxiety?

    I'm not afraid of being single, and I know I could get through a break-up if it were to happen. So I'm left with the conclusion that even though my brain tells me "you're falling out of love with him! Panic!!!", it's just fueling on the fact that it knows I'll panic about it. I feel like my anxiety is this monster that picks on the most important things in my life. Things that would have the biggest impact on me. And then it goes "Hey, what if you screwed that up? What if that ended? What if this happened?" and then it just sits there and watches me go into a state of something close to insanity. It can last weeks, even months for me.

    However, I recently got a new outlook on my anxiety. Something from 'The Happiness Trap'. Basically it explained that my brain is functioning as it would when it was in the cavemen times - It tries its hardest to detect danger and then activates my warning system, or fight or flight system, which brings on the physical aspects of anxiety. So the way I try to look at it now is, my anxiety is this little thing in my brain that is running around trying to warn me of anything that could potentially hurt me, but it's on overdrive. Like it's trying REALLY hard to do a good job, and then wonders why I get so angry at it afterwards.

    Looking at it like that has helped me to feel a little better, and to understand that my anxious thoughts aren't always real. Is that person thinking I look like crap today? Maybe, but they aren't going to hurt me. Am I falling out of love with my partner? It's a possibility, but I don't think so given how much he means to me. It's just warning me, saying "hey, you could get hurt if that went wrong".

    I hope this helps you somehow! Just remember anxiety isn't always rational, but it's trying to help in some way or form!

    Maui

  13. Yaj
    Yaj avatar
    2 posts
    19 July 2019 in reply to Maui757

    Thank you for responding so quickly I’ll be trying your tips and see how I go.

    Its just so hard because I keep thinking am I going through this because I should let him go? And am I scared to do so? Or am I physically going through something.. I get so mixed up with the two and it makes me break down.

    but in general I’m scared with everything for example reading alone, watching tv shows, thinking about my future, hanging out with friends because i feel like I’ll have a crap time and start crying. I also see other couples and think to myself wait is that what being in love should be like? Am I in love? If I’m over thinking all this now should I leave him incase I marry him and I get like this again? I over think everything.

    Do we always blame the ones we care about most? I don’t know why my mind keeps blaming him for the way I’m feeling but I’ve held on for so long now which makes me think hold on I do care but then my mind says no no you feel sorry for him...

  14. Maui757
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Maui757 avatar
    76 posts
    19 July 2019 in reply to Yaj

    Hi Yaj,

    It sounds like you've got a heap of general anxiety as it is! Again, I can't say whether that's what's causing all the issues you're feeling towards your partner. But I do know that when my anxiety gets really bad it starts to turn towards my relationship with my partner.

    I find if I can calm the anxiety in general (like work on other things that are making me anxious) it allows me to calm down enough to reassess the relationship stuff. So far, every time I've done that I've realised my relationship is fine. It takes a LOT of work though.

    I also overthink EVERYTHING, and it's exhausting. Did that text sound angry? Did I do something to annoy them? Why did my boss ask my colleague to do that task and not me? Am I not good enough at my job? Am I being replaced? My anxiety is everywhere, all the time. So I really get what you're going through with that.

    All I can advise is, try to get your general anxiety levels a bit lower before you try to figure out your relationship stuff. I don't know about you, but my brain is completely useless when my anxiety levels are through the roof. I can't think straight about anything, and I start to dissociate and lose feeling towards everyone and everything. I have to remind myself to start practicing my calming techniques again.

    My calming techniques are deep breathing exercises, I will try and ground myself or try the mindfullness stuff (I'm not very good at it), and sometimes meditation, though I find this extra hard when I'm already anxious. I also try to be kinder to myself, give my brain a bit of a break. And get good sleep! I say I 'try' to do all these things, but in reality sometimes I just end up in a little ball crying to myself because it's all too much. But when this happens, I'll usually reach out to a close friend or my partner and tell them that my anxiety is out of control, and they help me start to calm down again.

    I hope this is helping in some way or form! I'm by no means an expert, I just feel for you and anyone else who has to go through these feelings :(

    Maui

    1 person found this helpful
  15. SallyLouise92
    SallyLouise92 avatar
    5 posts
    10 October 2019 in reply to Maui757

    Hi Maui 757 & everyone else in this thread,

    Hopefully I'm not too late to post. I'm on the opposite side of everyone's situations, so it's great to read and get an insight of what could be potentially be going on in my boyfriend (well ex boyfriends) mind. He's got depression and anxiety, and it wouldn't surprise me if there was underlying OCD. Two weeks ago, my ex just dumped me. His reasoning was he didnt feel like the same way anymore, which has come as a massive shock, up until days before, he was being so loving.

    He's been very stressed and anxious with studying, finding work and just life in general. He had bouts of not leaving his room, and being really hard on himself. He'd been drinking way too much, and avoiding quite a few things he had to deal with (e.g dr's appt, psych appts). We have had disagreements, as every relationship does, but none that were damaging or toxic to the relationship, after our disagreements we had come out stronger and with a deeper appreciation of one another. All in all, I would say, we were great. We laughed ALOT, we had amazing phone conversations, we just got each other. He would often say we are so similar. I was his biggest fan, never judged him (he had a stint in a mental health facility), made him feel loved and appreciated. When he was down, I would do my best to support him. He would always tell me that fact I stuck by him, knowing his mental health, made him really appreciate me and I made him happy, even helped with his depression and anxiety.

    During the break up, he would throw any excuse at me, putting alot of the break up on me, but then saying I was amazing, a great girlfriend, he misses me and there were still feelings, but "not enough". It was really confusing. We still had enough work through it, but he just refused. He never mentioned any negative feelings towards me in the past and I always encouraging him to talk to me about ANYTHING. And he did, except that.

    My question is, could his anxiety and depression have got in the way of not wanting to stick with this relationship and work through his negative feelings? As of now, I have given up, I'm going to respect his choice of not wanting to be with me, but there is a bit of that is hoping that when things start to settle for him, he'll start to see life in a more positive way, and how good we were. It saddens me that he was just so willing to pack it in and not work together to tackle his anxiety.

    I'd love some feedback or any insight.

  16. Canopygod
    Canopygod  avatar
    5 posts
    10 October 2019 in reply to SallyLouise92

    Hi SallyLouise92,

    It definitely sounds like you have been there for him, and a patient lady.

    All I can say is don’t sit there waiting for him to work everything out, you still have a life. So live it and enjoy it. You’ll probably find you end with someone who respects you more.

  17. SallyLouise92
    SallyLouise92 avatar
    5 posts
    10 October 2019 in reply to Canopygod

    Hi Canopygod,

    Thank you for your reply. You are spot on, I'm not going to wait for him to sort everything out, I have done the best I can to be there for him. The ridiculous thing is, I know he respects me, and I know there were some strong feelings there. I guess I'd just like to know if his behaviour is anyway related to his depression and anxiety.

  18. Blue888
    Blue888 avatar
    1 posts
    13 October 2019

    Hey Everyone,

    It's really helped me settle myself and put it into perspective reading these. I'm in my first relationship with my first boyfriend. Final exams are in 3 weeks, so that's stress inducing. We've been together for about 3 1/2 months now, and he's a wonderful person. He's made a huge effort to get to know my family, emphasises communication and respect from day 1 and reminds me every day that he loves me.

    Sometime in the first month, I'd started to get these sudden waves of anxiety. He's the first person I've ever dated, had sex with, kissed or held hands with romantically. Our relationship has progressed and started very fast compared to "normal" standards (i.e peers), and I question over and over even though now I'm absolutely certain his feelings towards me are genuine. I'm afraid of the doubt in my mind, telling me I might not love him, otherwise I wouldn't feel like this. That he's not the right match for me, we'll have to break up, my feelings before weren't even there, etc. But, it's likely due to;

    1) Exam stress. It'll all be over in 40 days, and that's terrifying. And I feel unprepared and these feelings make it hard to focus, adding guilt. The relationship anxiety always spiked before a big deadline or during exams.

    2) I probably have a fear of relationships, or rather feelings. Previously being informed that someone liked me, I'd feel an overwhelming wave of anxiety, a loss of appetite, nausea, shaking, etc. This drove me to believe that I was possibly even incapable of romantic or sexual feelings.

    So when this boy suddenly waltzed into my life and I actually liked his attention, it was weird. Heck, I still want his attention. I often feel better when he's around, but that doesn't stop moments of doubt from creeping in. Enough to make my cry in front of him and demand hugs and generally be a nuisance because hugging him makes me feel better.

    I'm scared I'm not doing things right, that we "rushed into it", that I can't return his feelings, because I care and really don't want to hurt him. But I'm not sure I feel fully connected to him yet. Granted, it's a very new relationship. Is this just anxiety speaking? Or, that all of this is me trying to cover up the truth I don't want to hear? I refuse to accept that I might not love him. I will fight to stay with him. Isn't that proof enough that I do love him?

    Simply put, overthinking is an issue, and I've probably got some major fears. But I hope it'll be over after exams.

  19. CrissyMouse92
    CrissyMouse92 avatar
    1 posts
    18 October 2019 in reply to Maui757
    Hi Maui757,

    I have been reading a lot of your posts and replies in this thread and I relate to a lot of what you are saying. I have suffered moderate to severe anxiety since I was about 8 years old but only diagnosed with it at 17. I am now 27.

    I have suffered the "do I love him" thoughts in all 3 of my relationships, in the first two relationships I had actually suffered these thoughts, then recovered and felt love again just before they dumped me.

    I have been with my fiance for just over 7 and a half years, we've been through everything together and he is my best friend, my go to person for everything, I have no secrets from him and I'm normally head over heels for him. We have 2 kids together, we're about to move for his work and our wedding date is set for June next year. But in the beginning of September we had this argument because I have been running on emotional fumes for weeks as our oldest has special needs and our youngest has high needs and is stuck to me like glue and just like that my emotions turned off for him and pretty much everyone.

    That was the breaking point and I went to get help, was given a script for anti depressants which started to work within 5 days and I loved again, the GP upped my dose and then a week later my emotions turned off again but worse, I weaned a dose down to no avail, then I quit them (There was no way to wean off them easily) and now I have limited to no emotions again and I am distraught, I normally love him so much and he usually makes me so happy but I'm feeling nothing. I'm hoping and praying the love will come back, I'm feeling so lost right now! I'm sick of the "do I love him" and "we should break up" thoughts as they have me in an anxious frenzy, I'm either in tears, angry or curled up in bed wanting to run away from everything and everyone.

    Though your posts and replies have often given me hope, at the moment I feel helpless and hopeless.

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