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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Anxious cause of Silent Treatment??

Topic: Anxious cause of Silent Treatment??

13 posts, 0 answered
  1. iceamarello
    iceamarello avatar
    6 posts
    26 January 2022
    My boyfriend of 6 months and I had our first fight during Christmas which involves Covid tolerances. He then disappeared, ignored my texts for 6 days until I ask him to break the silence and he told me that he was in a difficult position between choosing to spend Christmas with me vs. protecting his family from getting any unwanted exposures. I apologised. He went a bit distant after, he doesn't text me as often, he delayed his responses for over a day and he doesn't seem affectionate and ignores all questions about how he feels which made me anxious. I feel like we still need to go through what happened and I just wanted to settle unsettling things with him/resolve the issue or at least hear me out. I sent a message to ask to see him face to face (we live an hour away) and to chat under covid safe rules. He ignored me again. I am getting really anxious for not getting answers. Is this normal for me? I am at lost as to how I can reach him. Is this a Silent Treatment? or is this just "leave me alone, I need more space on my feelings" type of scenario? What can I do to settle myself down? Ive spoken to my closest friends and family but I can't seem to get my mind off it. Any advices?
  2. geoff
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    geoff avatar
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    26 January 2022 in reply to iceamarello

    Hello Iceamarello, there are some of us who have posted about 'the silent treatment, me included and know what you are talking about and it's something most of us dislike in any relationship.

    If you love someone then there wouldn't be any choice all you would want to do is be with the person you love, simply because your family would know the rules about socialising with COVID.

    The big problem is if this is happening now, who knows what it will be like if you decide to become a couple, especially if he hasn't displayed any love towards you.

    If you have to wait until he's ready to answer you after only 6 months together, then surely there is someone else who will tell you that they love you and want a real relationship.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

  3. iceamarello
    iceamarello avatar
    6 posts
    26 January 2022 in reply to geoff

    Thanks Geoff. I also didnt think I was in THAT much wrong for getting upset that we couldnt spend Christmas together regardless of covid. And I couldnt understand what takes forever to let go? And why couldnt he just say he doesnt want to meet in response to my last message rather than ignore it?

  4. white knight
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    white knight avatar
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    26 January 2022 in reply to iceamarello

    Hi, welcome

    Geoff has provided good foundation to the silent treatment problem.

    I tolerated 11 years in a marriage with on and off silent treatment and one of my daughters to that person used to use it on me until I finished the relationship, thats how toxic it can get. In fact the silent treatment that is intended to inflict hurt as if used as a weapon is a form of narcissism.

    https://www.mindsettherapyonline.com/blog/silent-treatment-as-a-way-to-punish-stonewalling-in-narcissistic-relationships

    I'm not placing your BF in that category just yet, its still early days. Certainly he does deserve time to adjust to the fallout of the conflict. A couple of thoughts-

    • Covid vaccinations is a touchy topic. Without taking sides on the topic some people like to exercise their choice and not trust the content of the vax. That's their right. The other side is that people pro vax are afraid that non vaxxed people are more likely to spread the disease. They worry that if they themselves catch it then loved ones especially the elderly family members at a xmas gathering could be in a spreader environment. If this is you BF's concern then he also has a right to take that stance. It can result in an impasse, a place without resolve and I think thats where he stands ATM. He doesnt see talking as a way to resolve.
    • Some young adults miss out in their early adulthood in acting fully as adults. Yes it would be more mature to talk, it costs nothing even if you dont solve the issues with compromise. Men are slower at maturing and this could be the case. If so its a reason to reconsider your relationship especially if, once you are both talking and having achieved an agreement that silence wont occur again, it repeats.
    • "And why couldnt he just say he doesnt want to meet in response to my last message rather than ignore it?" Well, if he doesnt want contact with a non vaxxed person thats your answer. I'd suggest he is angry.

    I suggest you wait until he contacts you. Love is two sided and its no good chasing, it wont solve things. His desire to be with you must override and make contact.

    Sorry

    TonyWK

  5. iceamarello
    iceamarello avatar
    6 posts
    26 January 2022 in reply to white knight
    Thanks Tony, this is all wise inputs and all positive energy. I will try my best to keep myself at peace whilst waiting.
    1 person found this helpful
  6. The Bro
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    27 January 2022 in reply to iceamarello

    Hi there Iceamarello

    I think Geoff and TonyWK have given you some pretty good thoughts to consider.

    It's sometimes hard to provide actual advice on this forum as most of us are not qualified counsellors. However we are here to listen to you and provide whatever support we can with our comments.

    I suspect you and your family are not vaccinated and his family is? Of course we are ell entitled to our own views and decisions but that situation can be very toxic and create tension for all sorts of reasons.

    Do you feel that you love him enough to envision a future with him? If so, maybe a message to him saying just that, praising what you love about him and asking to get together for a chat might be worth trying? Cover all the positive things about your relationship and why it seems silly to jeopardize that.

    If he still doesn't respond it might be a signal that he is just not invested in the relationship. Hard to acknowledge this I know, but as the song by the Black Keys goes, 'Everybody knows that a broken heart is blind'. He will stay in your thoughts for ages and it can be very hard to let go, but you come first and you are a fierce strong woman with rights to your own self esteem.

    I hope this raving might have helped just a little - Peace Out!

    All the very best, The Bro

  7. iceamarello
    iceamarello avatar
    6 posts
    28 January 2022 in reply to The Bro

    Thanks The Bro.

    Our family are all fully vaccinated but our take on this covid hurrah is we wont let it stop us from living life. We are still going to go out and do activities in covid-safely and should we get positive then so be it. Life is too short. I understand that his concern is also genuine in protecting his own family. I totally get this but for me the issue now is the conflict resolution. Is there a need for him to go all silent on me for six days? Is there a need to go cold and distant? Is it wrong for me as women to be worried? Am I now too clingy? Needy? Anxious preoccupied with my relationship?

    I have asked him to meet up and after ignoring my message for 4 days, he responded back to me now saying that he is not angry and the matter doesn't really bother him anymore.... so....how do I decipher all the silences mean? Advice?

  8. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    9781 posts
    28 January 2022 in reply to iceamarello

    Hi again

    You can only get the real reasons for his silence from him. So pursue the questions at a meeting not before, say on the phone he can hang up. Yes, it's pressurising however he is not being forthcoming explaining himself and he himself has caused the silence.

    An example is- my illnesses cause me to go into a shell under some circumstances. I've finally accepted that cant be cured but it isnt other peoples fault so I explain this to anyone it happens with. My wife knows me well and when I do go silent she knows it takes between 2 hours and 2 days to recover. I have no control but I do have a responsibility to explain.

    Some issues like this aren't explained by those that cause them. That can be a red flag in any relationship. So my advice is to, at a meeting, be very calm and ask him gently why you've been ignored. It's fundamental to a sound partnership to air these issues and find peace. It all comes under "care". If answers to your satisfaction dont come then the care level isnt high enough.

    TonyWK

  9. The Bro
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    28 January 2022 in reply to iceamarello

    Gidday again Iceamarello!

    Just a brief note of support this time.

    Maybe just ask him what he really feels about your relationship and if he sees a future with you.

    Pretty blunt I know but it seems he is playing mind games with you, Guys are sometimes great at taking advantage if a girlfriend's loyalty and the female partner often hangs on for far too long at the expense of her own self esteem.

    So go in firmly and see what he has to say - make it quite clear how his actions are affecting you!

    Looking forward to his response! At least you should then have a clear pathway to see.

    The Bro

  10. iceamarello
    iceamarello avatar
    6 posts
    30 January 2022 in reply to The Bro

    Thanks all for your advices. It turned out that he didnt agree to meet and talk it through. He pretend nothing happened and when i asked him why he went quiet, he ignored my messages again for the past 48 or so hours so still I couldnt get any answer. I am willing to let it go but his behaviour with all the delayed messages made me questioned my own sanity. I think this is not right. I have decided I dont deserve this and will walk off this relationship. Thank you for all of your inputs everyone.

  11. iceamarello
    iceamarello avatar
    6 posts
    30 January 2022 in reply to The Bro

    Hi all, just an update and wanted to probably close this off. He didnt agree to meet me, pretending that nothing was wrong and he is not angry but his behaviour still is very odd. He ignored my message for more than 2 days now when I asked how he is feeling, so I think he pretty much has moved on from this relationship but has no guts to break it off with me. He wouldn't ignore me if he is fine. I have decided to walk off this relationship. I dont deserve a treatment like this where now I questioned my own sanity or my overthinking ness and almost everyday blaming myself if I cause the fight. I did had an emotional go but I think its normal for all women and I think having to question myself is not healthy.

    Thank you all for the advices.

    2 people found this helpful
  12. white knight
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    white knight avatar
    9781 posts
    30 January 2022 in reply to iceamarello
    Good luck for your future.
  13. The Bro
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    The Bro avatar
    203 posts
    3 February 2022 in reply to iceamarello

    Hi Iceamarello and thanks for the update.

    You have been both brave and thoughtful in the manner you have handled this.

    Perhaps allow yourself a period of doubt and maybe a little sadness - that is only natural. Some guy is going to be very lucky to have you in his life in the future!

    All the very best - the Bro

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