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Topic: At a loss

4 posts, 0 answered
  1. help1
    help1 avatar
    2 posts
    13 October 2014
    I was married to my wife for 25 years, she told me in February that she wanted to separate, I was shattered. In our entire marriage we have never argued or fought. The most that happened was she would go silent (which I hated) and we would eventually talk and get on well. She has told me that she loves me very much but is not in love with me anymore. Our children are all grown up and were very surprised by what happened as we were a very good couple. I am at a total loss, I have told no one of what has happened and I don’t want to. I thought by giving my wife space so she could sought out her feelings would be best and she would realise that  we were made for each other. We are very cordial to show our children that you don’t have to fight or be bitter within a problem with your relationship. To top everything off I lost my job of 33 years a few months before the separation. I am still trying to find work unsuccessfully and all I can think about is being with my wife.  Everywhere I look I see couples hand in hand and being together and that was our relationship and I miss it so so much. All I want to be able to do is talk with her, however, it really is just yes and no answers and asking how our extended families are going. I wish we could just talk like we always did as I feel the more space I have given her and the more we don’t talk why would she change her mind. I will be honest and I do think of ending it daily as it will take away the pain and loneliness, the only reason I won’t is what if she rings or wants to try again. I really don’t know how much longer I can hang on.

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  2. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    9755 posts
    14 October 2014 in reply to help1

    Hi help1, welcome to Beyond Blue forums

    The other reason why you should entertain your terminal thoughts is your children and future grandchildren. Family and loved ones will suffer enormously.

    I've been there!  1996 and the separation of my first wife and I. Kids were 7 and 4 yo and the pain was unbearable. But I got through because I knew that logic told me if I was really busy I'd be so tired I wouldnt think much about it. That worked. I got a second job and built my own house. My kids came over on weekends to watch me build it and play around.

    So have faith that you can be resilient just you need to fill your life with activities. I would be thankful that your wife told you she still has love for you. that's nice. Straddle that line of communication and smothering.

    You are not doing anything wrong but you have to allow her to make her own decisions. Dont be afraid of regular GP visits to discuss your health.

    Take care.

  3. hope, strength and happiness
    hope, strength and happiness avatar
    4 posts
    14 October 2014 in reply to help1
    Hello help1,

    I understand how it feels to not feel joy or purpose in life anymore.  However, you are so blessed to have your children who no doubt love you up to the stars and back again. They will be wanting you to find your joy in life and be healthy.  Just keep on persevering and you will get there.  Ask for help where you need it - so often we are afraid to ask for it or don't want to be a "bother" to people, and we don't realise how many people are happy to lend us a hand when we need it.

    Take care of yourself.

  4. help1
    help1 avatar
    2 posts
    16 October 2014 in reply to white knight

    Thank you white knight, I try hard to keep busy and understand your comments. It's hard as you know I am a very loyal person and know that she was my soul mate and only true friend and lover. I do think of my kids all the time and know they would be hurt, however, I at times convince myself that I would be better off. I will keep trying

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