Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Topic: Be Tough

6 posts, 0 answered
  1. SR2333
    SR2333 avatar
    14 posts
    13 September 2021
    So I’ve been dating a guy for a few months, supposedly we are b/f /g/f. We both have our issues. I’m not sure who’s are worse honestly.
    Anyway I’d see about a once week. Sometimes we would go out, stay in and he gave me a swipe to get up to his apartments, I’ve left medication there and toiletries.
    He had to go to court a few weeks ago that wasn’t great and I haven’t heard much, last Wednesday I did a welfare call, we talked but he had to see his parents, and then Thursday I received a long message telling me he really cared for me, but he had to go through all the court stuff on his own, that’s how did things, he knew it wasn’t healthy but that’s how he did it.
    I wrote back and thanked him for the explanation but said couldn’t we at least say Goodmorning/ goodnight. Honestly I’m worried, perhaps suspicious too. But nothing I have heard nothing. Not a well no that won’t work.
    so my question is when do you think I should either put the key pass in his mailbox and give up? Or do I do another welfare check? Or do I wait?
    My issues are fairly huge, so this added isn’t the best, but in some ways it’s the easier one. But I do find myself checking the papers everyday as he is somewhat well known, so I guess that’s not the greatest but perhaps understandable, I guess some may also be wondering suspicious, there was a story that he may have deceived a woman but in saying that apart from now he has been overly transparent with me the entire time.
    I guess I don’t want another I told you so either, but I also have evidence of someone not coping well at all, I just wish he would damn well let me know a little more. Perhaps the old adage of you can lead a horse to water applies. Or perhaps people in stone houses or maybe it’s just been 3 days and I should just give it the rest of the week.
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9214 posts
    13 September 2021 in reply to SR2333

    Hi, welcome

    When we are under relationship stress we often expect/want answers immediately. In the scheme of things and from an outsider reading your post I feel a couple of weeks is justified and to be as patient as you can possibly be.

    Furthermore, I always go by the belief that direct questions is the best way to approach things to eliminate anxiety before it begins to build. He might be acting elusive for a reason that he doesnt wish to share with you at this time and that certainly is annoying, even unacceptable, however all humans are different. In this case it could well be possible he is under pressure and he doesnt feel he is close enough to you at this time to share things with you. Yes, there is the possiblity there is things going on that would shatter you eg another woman for example, but better not to risk destroying bridges that you'll regret.

    So, the thrust of my advice is to give him the benefit of the doubt for a longer period and wait for the opportunity to chat with him directly and be supportive- the benefit of the doubt. Here is a thread on such a topic that might also help.

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-benefit-of-the-doubt#qkv0mXHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

    I hope that helps.

    TonyWK

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Positive_vibes89
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Positive_vibes89  avatar
    110 posts
    13 September 2021 in reply to SR2333

    Thank you for posting, sounds like you are in a difficult situation. I think that he might be needing some space to sort out his issues. You are such a wonderful girlfriend to care so much for this man. Sometimes, we cannot help a person when they have personal issues. They have to sort it out themselves. I think you just need to give him some time and hold onto that key. If you give it back and give up on him, it might add a little bit more stress onto what he is currently going through. Take a step back, and give yourself some self care. You also need to look after your own mental health, if we do not put ourselves first we start to decline ourselves. I hope this helps.

    Tee

    1 person found this helpful
  4. SR2333
    SR2333 avatar
    14 posts
    13 September 2021 in reply to Positive_vibes89

    Hey Tee,

    I do understand where he is coming from to some extent, I guess up to this point he’s never asked one thing of me and as trust is my worst hurdle to get over I may as well try here and see what happens. Usually behaviour doesn’t change and most of the times my fears have all been ungrounded. In saying that he said a few more days, so I don’t think it would be over the top doing a welfare check Friday if I haven’t heard anything.
    I’d say message/call but honestly I deleted his number so that I couldn’t bombard him with messages and sabotage myself, I know that sounds over the top but I figure he will contact or I have to give back the key, perhaps it wasn’t the wisest of decisions now I think of it.
    S

  5. The Bro
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    The Bro avatar
    178 posts
    13 September 2021 in reply to SR2333

    HI there SR2333 and thanks for such informative posts.

    I can see that you have received some very good advice from others on the forum, for what is a very difficult time.

    I just wanted to add a couple more points based on my own experiences and observations.

    To me, it comes down to how he makes you feel. If there is a spark there and you feel that he genuinely respects you as a person and recognises your rights, the relationship might be worth working on. He is obviously going through a difficult time and will have all sorts of emotions running through his mind. Perhaps he is even a little ashamed to discuss it with you?

    If you feel it might help, tell him how you feel about him and want to help him with the issues he is facing, even just to listen. I guess its all about being there for him?

    Oh and it would also help (if you haven't done so already) to "own" your share of the issues and discuss how you are feeling as well.

    On the subject of timing, I had a messy break up years ago and wanted to call her every minute of every day. It took ages to get over that feeling but you just have to let it flow over you in waves of varying intensity.

    I would think in your situation that you have made it clear that you are there for him. Make it clear that you won't smother him and will give him a week to see how he feels with the passage it time.

    At the end of the day, it's important that you enjoy his company and the relationship makes you feel happy. Otherwise the question is should you continue with the relationship?

    I hope my comments might have helped and haven't been too direct.

    All the very best to a solution that is favourable to you both.

    Be brave and love yourself first!

    Regards, The Bro

    1 person found this helpful
  6. Positive_vibes89
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Positive_vibes89  avatar
    110 posts
    19 September 2021 in reply to SR2333

    Trust is a big one for me also. When somone hurts you, it leaves a scar on you. You never ever forget it and it remains in the back of your mind. Love feels great and it can also hurt! I agree send him a message and ask how he is going. Wait for him to send you a response. Keep the message short and simple. If you bombard him, it might cause a little bit of pressure on him. What the BRO said is also a good response, when you get the opportunity have a really deep and meaningful conversation with him to express how you feel.

    Hope you are doing well

    Tee

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


Sign me up