Online forums

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please complete your profile

Complete your profile

Before you can post or reply in these forums, please join our online community.

Forum membership is open to anyone residing in Australia.

Join the online community Community rules

Forums / Relationship and family issues / Blended family and BPD Wife

Topic: Blended family and BPD Wife

  1. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    37 posts
    5 December 2018 in reply to White Rose

    Hi Mary.

    Thank you for your message.

    Much of where I am now sits between the lump in my throat that wont budge and the desire to keep going on with life and to put this part behind me.

    I will have a look at the SANE website. Along with a great many other websites I did have a look through the various forums and links at SANE before joining Beyond Blue. Beyond blue gave me immediate interaction and that was what I needed when I joined.

    Many many years ago my previous partner and I lost a child. It was circumstances outside our control.... we both dealt with the situation very differently but grieved heavily - sometimes together and sometimes apart. I despised the world for a moment. I would forgot who I was. Over time I learned to value things in different ways - I learned to stop and smell the roses while I could - because seasons continually change. I also forgave myself for feeling responsible With my wife I took all I’d learned and experienced through life, love and relationships - both the good and bad - and gave absolutely everything of me to the most wonderful 12 months I’d spent with a partner. The seasons have changed.

    Internally I have forgiven my wife.


    No matter what she does - I will look her in the eyes and tell her I forgive her when I leave this house the last time as her husband... It will be as much for me as for her. I can’t go forward carrying un-dealt-with negative emotions about people from the present (which will soon be the past) and expect to find a harmonious balance within myself for the future when the grieving phase lessens...

    I totally and absolutely dislike what has gone on to bring me here - but I accept it. I thank everyone on the forum for the posts and to those as well that read without responding. I will keep posting further updates.

  2. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    37 posts
    6 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide

    I started typing out quite a long piece to add to the previous message but I’ve decided to narrow this down to the basics of what has occurred.

    My wife approached me this morning. She said she had wanted to talk to me for days but hadn’t been able to... She was apologetic and said she was going to change. She indicated that running from me wasn’t the answer and would be counter to what she needed. Knowing we have been here before i asked what would be different about this time.

    While I was at work she arranged doctors referral for a psychologist. She then arranged an appointment with that psychologist for tomorrow. No delays. It’s a start so I am happy for her to begin starting to look into herself.

    I will leave it at that for now. Time will tell.

  3. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    3902 posts
    7 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide

    Farside

    Thanks for the all the updates especially the latest one.

    I am pleased she could get an appointment to see a psychologist so quickly.

    It is a start .

    Quirky

  4. White Rose
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    4818 posts
    7 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide

    Hello FarSide

    Thanks for the updates. Please accept my condolences on the loss of your child. Though it was a while ago I'm sure the pain comes back now and then. My daughter miscarried at 19 weeks and it was devastating for everyone.

    Great that your wife was able to get an appointment so quickly. I hope it really is the start of becoming well for her. Time will tell.

    I can 'hear' your pain in the previous post. It sounds like you have made your final, final decision and are now able to move on. It has been a long journey for both you and your wife and I wish you both well. Please keep in touch. We will be here to support you as much as possible.

    Mary

  5. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    37 posts
    7 December 2018 in reply to White Rose

    My wife has now been to the psychologist and feels positive for the experience. She has aknkwledged many things and although I know I’m likely to see an emotional hiccup and back step now and then I am happy to see what a little time brings. As for the house... we’ve divided to leave on the market and see what it brings.

    again I don’t want to start pulling party poppers and streamers and celebrating into the small hours of the evening off the back of this but it is significant that she took this step...

    I will update further and see what happens. Hopefully it’s positive and she does have my support around working on herself, us and how I fit into that as well.

  6. White Rose
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    White Rose avatar
    4818 posts
    8 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide

    I am so pleased for you that you may get your wife back, so to speak. I imagine it will be a long and rocky journey but so long as you are both going forward It may bring you the peace and happiness you need. I also wish your wife peace and happiness as I am sure this has not been her lot for many years.

    Mary

  7. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    3902 posts
    8 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide

    TheFarSide,

    Thanks for your updates.

    I am pleased your wife was able to see a psychologist so quickly and felt positive about the experience.

    Taking that first step of acknowledging many things is a huge step and would have been very hard for her.

    If you go back and read your first few posts you may see how you have started your journey and a few of the changes that have happened on the way. It will be a long and bumpy ride for both of you but there is a chance there will be a calm place at the end.

    Quirky

  8. randomx
    randomx avatar
    778 posts
    8 December 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Gday farside.

    And l'm really sorry that things haven't worked out.

    But for her to say it's her or your own child , l just mean what , yaknow , or to turn on your actual wedding day, after a 12mth charade, or to put you and your child through the stuff she has when it's your time together , how in the hell is your child suppose to cope with that she shouldn't even be around it, let alone cope with it, and then all the other stuff, the everyday.

    l'm really glad you are sadly giving up on it .tbh . you know , ok , she has problems , but is it right that you and your child spend your life dealing with it living with it ??? Me , l don't think so.

    l went through divorce , and then met ex gf. We were together 2 yrs. Both the highest times of my life but also mind bending destructive head spinning times too. l could never know for sure if she was bpd , certainly partly , but she would never see anyone, she'd eat broken glass first believe me.

    l remember saying your words to her a few months in , baby you don't see you , you don't see what you do and say, and later too . Amazing reading your stuff , twisting , eggshells, misinterpretations,the simplest things. we were long distance, only together 1/3 of the time, so mountains of messaging and the knots she'd get us into, 1 letter could start a war, one word or a sentence, hooly dooly the things she could turn a sentence into..

    Via phone from day one she was fantastic , same in person ,so smart, so witty , so fun, bold , but we were only ever together 2 weeks a time but it was a bit scary wondering if this messaging thing would come out in person later, like yours. but it was a hard sitch to , frustrationing and some real bad let downs, visits falling through, stuff . l just couldn't know.

    l did a lot of reading, spoke to people, one guy had beat his head against the wall 15yrs with his wife, but had to leave. saw somewhere it was common for the partner of a bpd person , to end up on the couch., and l believe.

    Sadly we split in the end , not only that side of it but many obstacles, distance and all and l've since met someone else , none of that stuff , yet we're amazingly similar in many other good ways to me and ex gf. But the difference is also just mind boggling.

    Best of luck with everything, you can only do what you think is right for you and your daughter.

    rx

  9. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    37 posts
    8 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide
    One step at a time - but - today was a really good day.
  10. bmacca64
    bmacca64 avatar
    4 posts
    8 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide
    Hopefully the good days become the norm.
  11. randomx
    randomx avatar
    778 posts
    8 December 2018 in reply to bmacca64

    Sorry farside, l didn't read the nice updated news on the 7th.

    And l sure didn't intend on throwing any negative into that so my oligopolies and l wouldn't have wrote our story if l'd senn that post.

    Wishen your both the very best and l hope it really brings a new beginning for you two,

    lf it's any consolation , l would've tried with my ex, l loved her very much , l felt we could've won the battle and she had even started acknowledging a few things which was real progress for her, but unfortunately there were bigger things like her moving to Australia and things that we just couldn't work out.

    Anyway , best of luck

    rx

  12. randomx
    randomx avatar
    778 posts
    8 December 2018 in reply to randomx
    Ahh , that was , apologies , spell checker .
  13. quirkywords
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    quirkywords avatar
    3902 posts
    9 December 2018 in reply to TheFarSide

    farside,

    I am so pleased you had a good day and as you say one step at a time. it is something to be grateful for and it is good to enjoy that day.

    thanks for the update.

    Quirky

  14. TheFarSide
    TheFarSide avatar
    37 posts
    9 December 2018 in reply to quirkywords

    Thanks to everyone for the post and for the experience shared by RX - sorry to hear how things panned out in your experience RX

    Today has been another good day (so far)...

    While I expect no garantees my wife appears to have found a good sense of self awareness and that is a good thing. We have been able to discuss behaviour patterns and traits in a calm and respectful way - she had initiated this conversation.

    Weve been able to look at the relationship and understand a little more about each other - including some gaps we have in our knowledge about the past on both sides. We have also had a look online at different things and a bit of YouTube as well.

    The new info did give some additional weight to BPD traits having its roots in the formative years as we could identify some other experiences that had a negative impact and may have helped shape her personality.

    At this point I am just going to let things unfold as they do. So far it’s positive and she’s not reacted badly to a little truth.

Stay in touch with us

Sign up below for regular emails filled with information, advice and support for you or your loved ones.


All done! You should’ve received a confirmation email, so please check when you’re finished here and click the link in the email. If you can’t see it, we might be in your junk mail.

Subscribe failed. Please try later or contact us.