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Forums / Relationship and family issues / both husband's left for a younger woman

Topic: both husband's left for a younger woman

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. marfran
    marfran avatar
    1 posts
    3 April 2015
    My first husband after 10 years started cheating and eventually left me with 3 kids for his secretary 10 yr younger than me. Finally met another man who I thought was very different and would never cheat. He ends up after we have a baby together to take up a old heavy drug addiction. After 3 years of trying to help him I knew I had to step back and let him hit bottom to see he needed help. I did not feel so bad as I lost him to drugs and truly thought one day he would come back to me all better, thought he thought his daughter and I were worth it. I just find him living with a girl 25 years younger , not even as old as my daughter and find her pregnant to him quite some way along. He has been back to me trying to mend things while she would of been pregnant. So basically what I thought I based my whole relationship  on for the last 6 years is all a lie. I am shattered.  I feel so betrayed, so stupid, so worthless and it doesn't matter what anyone says , I no people deep down will be thinking what is so wrong with me for both husband's to turn to younger woman. And even though my second husband is a abusive nasty man and it was not a healthy relationship,  I grieve  the loss of what I thought he was and we had. I can't sleep, my heart is pounding and I keep crying . I can't think straight and finding it hard to function. I keep becoming overwhelmed and panic
  2. CrashCoyote
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    CrashCoyote avatar
    640 posts
    3 April 2015 in reply to marfran

    Hi marfran

    This site is all about supporting people and sharing our experiences with others. I have never been one for upbeat comments as a means of support because most people on here could hear reassuring comments without having to come to the site. Anyone they would share their story with could say things like, "It will get better." or "He'll realise his mistake." when the reality is it may not and he probably won't.

    In my experience, being in relationships (I'm 51, divorced twice, serial monogamist) is a chance we take. There are no guarantees. Relationships end for lots of reasons and sometimes we never learn the true reason. According to the ABS, in 2013 there were roughly 119000 marriages in Australia and 47000 divorces. Divorce is a shade under 40% of marriages and the figure is stable according to the ABS.

    It is not right for you to blame yourself for any one of the many reasons your relationships ended. The end of a relationship does not mean you are a failure or did something wrong. Many men (and increasingly women) are being drawn to much younger partners these days. Men have often been suckers for younger women but look at the explosion of the modern "cougar"!

    Please do not blame age, it might be a distraction but very few relationships that are long term have age disparities. Sure, we all know a couple or two that have a lot of years difference, but most of the couples we know are within a few or five years difference. 

    I hope you can reconsider the reasons those relationships are over and not see yourself, or more importantly, your age, as the causes. It is not easy but it is true, I think, that you must prioritise yourself to attract the right person. If you do not think you are a good person, that you are not worthwhile, why would you think someone else would?

    Can I please ask you to post some more or contact the 1300 number on here? Alternately, discuss how you feel with your GP.

    I'll look out for your posts. Kind regards, John.

    2 people found this helpful
  3. snickers74
    snickers74 avatar
    3 posts
    3 April 2015 in reply to marfran
    Oooh marfran, it is such a kick in the guts and it's only natural that you instantly blame yourself, but it simply isn't the case.

    It is my understanding that cheating isn't really about the cheated on partner, but about the person who actually does it.

    Some people just don't seem to know how to cope with, or develop the maturity for responsibility, or intimacy, or being a grown-up and crave the immaturity of a younger person who seems to match their outlook on life.  Your husbands made their choices, you didn't.  This is not about YOU, it is about them and their behaviour and please don't take responsibility or blame for their behaviours.

    I was left at almost 40 for a 22 year old.  We had been together just under 20 years.  It's such a horrible and humiliating betrayal but he ended up making quite a fool of himself. I actually ended up pitying him, but he didn't deserve it.

    Please look after you, and stop making excuses for what he has done.  Find a therapist, a gp, a psychologist, some great girlfriends, a punching bag, whatever you need to look after you and your little one and let him wear whatever consequences result from his actions.  It's not your doing and not your mistake to live with...
    2 people found this helpful
  4. Cymru
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Cymru avatar
    65 posts
    5 April 2015 in reply to marfran
    If it is any help, I've been in a relationship longer than my siblings put together; I just lack continuity. I do know a lot about how if feels to b dumped ... it isn't nice. Then again, I don't care. I have had grander relationships than my siblings ... and certainly much more interesting sex. Currently I'm driving my current beau mad (who is a tad older than I but more nimble than women of any age) ... I am maddening to be with - although not dull. I have recently brought on my partner the worse pain (my middle son died in tragic circumstances) I only mention this so you'll appreciate how difficult I can be. As for you ... humm, you attracted a couple of men who must have been interesting at some time  ... maybe do this again, or not as you please. You clearly have something going for you ... wgat do you feel this is? 
  5. oceanentity
    oceanentity avatar
    5 posts
    2 August 2015 in reply to marfran

    Hi. So sorry you are going through this again. You need to reset. Get a life makeover I'll call it from mind body soul. Hopefully you have access to regular councelling. Talking this through. Processing will be the key to your healing. And totally being able to move forward and be fully in your present. Not the past. Take the time to find out what makes you tick. What makes you happy. What hobby would you like to try. Have an adventure ... Try archery. Or something unusual to reset. There is nothing you can do to change this mans actions or behavior. I know at this point you may not believe it but it's nothing about you that he moved on with someone younger ... Seriously  

    for the record  my new man is 11 years younger  so goes both ways ok  

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