It is how I feel at the moment - totally broken. Typing this is the hardest thing I have ever done. I am a very strong minded person, highly educated and in the past have been able to deal with things as they arose, especially relationships.
I dated a women for a year - I truly loved her and I expressed this to her, which is something I never did with any other. Unfortunately for the relationship, there were so many cultural barriers (especially upbringings) that caused communications between the two of us to always break down. It was so frustrating because I would spend so much of our time together trying to explain something I said that she completely misinterpreted. It wasn't her fault and I never blamed her. It made me appreciate her more. We were so alike personality wise (both problematic personalities - but we understood each other) that I enjoyed every moment around her and wished nothing more than to hear her voice and have her by my side. I got to the point where all I wanted to do was see her - this is the second problem. I pushed the relationship too hard at the beginning and this with the problem above... well... I screwed things up. In the process I lost sight of my life. Never did I take the same approach in previous long term relationships (3+ years and I am in my mid to late 30s) - in fact in previous relationships I was totally care free. She suffers depression and so do I and this too had an impact on the relationship - at times we held each other's problems against each other and cultural barriers only worsened things when we tried to talk it out.
One day and out of no where she told me that long term the relationship would not work and she made the decision that we should break up. Least to say, inside I was S-M-A-S-H-E-D to pieces. I was lost for months until a few months later we got back together, but, again, she made the same decision.
Skip forward sometime and she was out of the front of my mind and I really started to get my act together and set new goals. I never wanted to be with another women because she was always at the back of my mind when I got close to one. Anyways... skip forward some more time and one day I saw her - we just stared at each other, but I continued on as if nothing happened. I started to think about her more as the days progressed then she plagued my mind for some weeks until..... I called her and arranged to meet up (I am a persistent person)- the worst thing I could have done. We met a few times and I tried to get her back... she rejected and I made a total fool of myself by using foul language as response to her decision (I know - this is totally unacceptable and culturally inappropriate, but the thought of not being with her killed me inside and I froze up).
All I can do is think about her. I took up smoking after having quit for a long period of time, lost total interest in my job, any hobbies etc. I sabotage any positive thoughts of moving on or moments where I try to regain traction by focusing on my job etc.
To this day I cannot comprehend, not so much the relationship, but why I am so attracted to her and why I cannot stop thinking about her. I can't think, concentrate (meditation does not work) and everything I do seems to remind me of her. I constantly think of the moments we spent together - her beautiful voice, face and body and more importantly her mind. This incomprehension is tying me up - I feel like I am stuck in a coffin. I want to forget her, but I don't want to. I want nothing more than to have her back, but I know it will never be possible. I just want to move on, but I am stuck and broken down. Forgetting was never an issue in the past, but it's something I refuse to do in the present - with her.
Please help me.