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Topic: Cheated On

12 posts, 0 answered
  1. Eagles
    Eagles avatar
    6 posts
    30 June 2016

    First time poster here.. Feeling vulnerable, alone, silly and hurt. Been married 11 years and together 17 years, and since the birth of our child in 2014 wife suffered depression, I was told that it was PPD, things have been coming out more in the past month or so that it is more than that. We have problems that I was not aware of, all stemming from communication to each other or perhaps a lack of communication. Wife felt she was not getting from me what she needed and found it with an old school buddy, behind my back and lies after lies to build it, I was not even slightly thinking it. We started to see a professional together but she would claim to need space and disappear over a weekend, to continue this affair. Leading to our last session, I asked if this was doing anything, will we get somewhere together, I was told she doesn't love me anymore, I asked a question of an affair not expecting the answer I got. She has answered every question I have asked and without going into the details it was very hurtful. I still have love for her, and am making a solid commitment to change to be the person she wants, if she will be willing to work on communication also. This is all very new and emotions are raw. The affair started in May 16, and I found out late June. Wife is on medication and I feel the balance is wrong and wife now agrees and is seeking help to correct (if needed) because her depression has worsened. The bloke she is seeing has a sting of broken relationships behind him and is engaged. Upon hearing I know, he has stopped communicating with wife for fear of his relationship. Seeing her hurt over this is breaking my heart, but I don't want her to leave. My head is messed up with these conflicting emotions. I want to salvage it, and move on. Wife doesn't know what she wants. IMO she has confused love and lust with this other guy, or at least that is my hope. Wife has flipped that she might work on us, is this because he flaked, or that I have made the commitment (and action) to not only hear but understand? She has constantly told me 'you are not handling this the way I expected' I am trying to be calm because I can see that communication lead us down this path. I am by no means a victim (I do feel that at times) and am trying to think logically through the issues. Thank you for letting me dump it here. I feel better for getting it out.

  2. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    9780 posts
    30 June 2016 in reply to Eagles

    Hi eagles, welcome

    If you go to other threads in the relationship section you'll find other ones of similar vein. Its beneficial reading.

    The decision is yours entirely. For me once trust is broken it has gone forever.

    In your personal position in this saga, over analysing things will simply add to the pain because you are scrutinising your own actions, if i had done this, acted like some other guy she might love me more and so on. Its simply unfair on you for you to question yourself.

    I would think that once one partner declares they no longer love the other, love won't return. I proved to myself that I can love and be loved by a trusting wife by leaving my first wife and seeking true love from my 2nd wife.

    Some adulterous partners have a defence against there trusting spouse...to go on the attack. You weren't loving enough etc. But where was their basic commitment to the marriage by communication and negotiation rather than having an affair?

    Look after your mental health by regular visits to your GP. Good luck. We are here to chat.

    Tony WK

  3. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    16466 posts
    30 June 2016 in reply to Eagles
    hi Eagles, a disappointing situation that has happened for you, but when trust has been broken in a marriage or relationship is it repairable, maybe but genuinely speaking no, because it just widens the love that you once had for each other and question or wonder where she has been for a period of time when she should have been home.
    The chances of the person she was having an affair with and who is engaged has a chance of the marriage not going through if his finance finds out, so there is the possibility of 2 relationships breaking up.
    When your wife 'doesn't know what she wants'puts you in a precarious position on whether or not you can trust her again, you may at first, but as time goes on there will be questions you want her to answer which she may avoid the truth or doesn't answer you to your satisfaction.
    While this could happen you both could still love each other but not trust her whatever she says and if you have any doubt at all that you believe she may do it again then it's time to move on.
    If she has also said 'you are not handling this the way I expected' seems to me that she wants to excuse herself for having this affair and wants you to accept the fact it happened so get over it, but that's not how you want this situation to be, so I would suggest that you think hard about all of this I'm sorry to say.
    If it was me there would be no way that I would want to keep it going.
    Ialways suspected that my ex-wife was seeing someone as I caught her ringing from a public phone booth 3 times and she stayed out one night, but she never owned up, but everything she did or didn't do I always questioned her and my trust for her had gone. Geoff.
    1 person found this helpful
  4. Eagles
    Eagles avatar
    6 posts
    4 July 2016 in reply to white knight
    Thanks for the words White Knight. I have looked through some threads but each situation is different and I wanted to have my story out there. looking for the advise that you and others give as well as to just get it down and out. I am I suppose over thinking and looking to what I have done, if only because the way I have seen and read things it does take two to tango. I am not the bad guy that she makes it out, nor the victim but somewhere between. I have made my case to the wife about things and she has said she wants to consider it, at no point though has she made any mention that she is as culpable in the situation. So I am getting more and more anxious that it is over, and that is hard to accept. I do hold some hope in that she has suffered depression and is on meds and since changing to the current meds that is when things have turned, she has seen a DR again and the dose has been changed, that to me seems. The change was such a significant one to what was there in my wife before. Maybe I am in a fantasy land though??
  5. Eagles
    Eagles avatar
    6 posts
    4 July 2016 in reply to geoff
    Geoff - Thank you for taking the time to provide some words and advise. I know that she wants me to be the monster to justify her actions, she has not admitted that to me. But it is the only logical explanation. We have a near 20mth old son. I don't want to show him that that reaction is acceptable, I want him to grow up in a stable and loving relationship. I want him to see both of his parents being adult enough to own problems and not only that by grow and learn from them. So that along with the feeling of love I still have for her make me want to at least try.
  6. Apollo Black
    Apollo Black avatar
    401 posts
    4 July 2016 in reply to Eagles

    Hi Eagles

    I'm very sorry to hear about your situation. I was waiting for you to check back in before I took the time to reply because many people make 1 post and never come back. So I'm glad you came back. You're in a tough position because you obviously love your wife and have a young child to consider. I totally understand your wish for your child to be brought up in a loving family. But do you know what? Your wife has smashed that prospect. No matter what your misgivings are she has totally betrayed the marriage. End of story.

    So in my opinion it is up to you to cal the shots. She is likely still in a dopamine haze with this guy so can't be trusted to make any valuable contributions with him still in the picture. So therefore an ulitimatum in required, if I understand correctly that you are still interested in forgiving your wife and repairing the marriage

    1) No contact with the affair partner

    2) Open access to all her communication devices

    3) Marriage counselling

    It's not like there is any doubt to an affair. She has admitted it. Either she accepts the terms or that's it. I know it's easier said than done. You need to accept the reality of a worst case scenario so I would also be considering legal advice in the event of separation.

    I think overall what I'm trying to say is don't be fooled into thinking "you made her do this". My wife did the same trick on me. But that's another story....

  7. Apollo Black
    Apollo Black avatar
    401 posts
    4 July 2016 in reply to Apollo Black
    Also, her saying you're not handling it the way she expected - does that mean she thought you'd freak out and lose it and instead you're calm about it???
  8. Eagles
    Eagles avatar
    6 posts
    4 July 2016 in reply to Apollo Black
    Apollo. Thank you also for taking the time to share thoughts and opinions. I wanted to take time after my initial brain dump to process and read other posts etc. I am committed to seeing this though no matter the result with my wife, I can and will still be the role model I want for my boy, seeing things as learning and growing opportunities etc. I believe that this other guy is out of the way (for the time being I imagine) he seems to have gone to ground looking after his own or fearing that I will speak out to his partner though social media. I did tonight (04 Jul) ask if marriage counseling is something she would want to look at again "I am not sure" that was (to be honest) heart breaking. I feel like I am going crazy. I have poured my heart out and told her that while right this very second I can't forgive, I can at least understand some of it, and I will forgive but need to talk it out with you to get through this. I don't feel that i 'made this happen' we didn't communicate and she looked at the opportunity or was seduced by a slick guy who preyed on the situation. The fact that she wont own any of the responsibility really sucks. Yes my wife I think would rather I freak out rather than take a calm adult look at the situation. I can't explain why I am not freaking out at all.. For the trust side, because I have poured my heart out and she wont talk to me and I can't see much (if any) change over the actions of the last 3 or 4 weeks, I find myself reading into every action or non action. She still hides some things. I don't know if I can or how to ask her about them. To ask to see her phone that I think would give me a panic attack, is it because I don't want to see what is there, or confront the disagreement is she argues against it? Do you OR anyone have tips on how to address the question of seeing everything what to do if she refuses etc.?
  9. Apollo Black
    Apollo Black avatar
    401 posts
    4 July 2016 in reply to Eagles

    Hey Eagle

    I'm not an expert on this (I have had some good input from Athol Kay's MMSL forum) - but I think it's clear that your wife if confused and depressed from being in a post affair fog. It's like a drug has been taken away and she's in withdrawl. This may explain why she is "not sure" about anything. What I would advise is to go about you business and be the best dad you can be. Don't be concerned about her feelings or moods or anything like that. Don't forget you're the one who has been betrayed. Continue to stay cool and try and look after yourself as much as possible, eat well, exercise and try and get plenty of sleep. She will likely be relying on you worrying about her, and doing your best to salvage things. I'd be making it clear that you're the one who needs to think about whether he wants to be in the marriage - and for this to happen you want confirmation it's over and access to her devices on demand. You would also be more than happy to inform her affair partners other half (why should he be protected?) and if she agrees to no contact then you might consider couselling to get things on track again. If she refuses she gets the divorce option

    like I said, easier said than done - I do recommended the website suggested above (Google it). I found it difficult myself because my lawyer advised me against demanding her to cut off relations etc as it could be seen as controlling behavior (I was basically faced with her trying to cut me off from my son and therefore a high conflict divorce).

    i know it all sounds too hard and you don't her to leave you but consider this - do you really want someone willing to cheat on you? What are you trying to salvage it for if she doesn't respect the marriage? She needs to be accountable and darnright remorseful for what she's done. So don't beg her to stay, get prepared for divorce and make it quite clear you'll go through with it if necessary. Get legal advice

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Eagles
    Eagles avatar
    6 posts
    12 July 2016

    Update of the situation is that she is still in contact with this fella and still sexual with him. Wife can not see any way that she loves me. I have stopped clinging to the hope of reconciliation. At the moment I am having an okay time, early I was a mess but I can see benefit (right now) of going. I have talked to wife as a friend to say she can't see this guy, leaving a long term marriage and going to a guy with such relationship issues is so bad. I say it because I love her and care for her, but also we have a son together and her choices will impact on his life. I was told in more savory terms to butt out. It is hard to separate my long standing feelings for her, as well as the ongoing stability and safety of my son.

  11. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9780 posts
    12 July 2016 in reply to Eagles

    Hi eagles.

    Thankyou for the update.

    Now you have clarity but it will hurt for some time so I thought id tell you my post period after separation from my wife to see if it helps.

    It was a dark time

    A week prior to me leaving I devised a plan to end my life (gee glad I turned it around to keep fathering my kids). Then I left. Her emotional abuse had taken its toll.

    My grief period of mainly losing my full time fatherhood lasted about 8 weeks. Then an opportunity arose. At a smaller country town nearby a block of land came up for sale. I bought it. Then spent 3 months clearing it. Imagine, fire for my tea and eggs.

    Then I dreamed of building my own home. I bought a kit home and did just that.

    Frankly I was so busy making a new life I didn't have time for thoughts about ...what could have been.

    There are positives wherever negatives lie. You have clarity if your situation. That's gold.

    Now. Meet with your wife in a calm manner. Tell her your son deserves for you both to implement some basic rules.

    That neither of you criticise the other in front of your child

    That custody and visitations be friendly, flexible and open with communication.

    And any other things you can think about.

    It was unfortunate that my first wife would not work together with me as I'd hoped. I'd arrange a meeting in a cafe to chat about our kids, she'd stand me up but wouldn't ring me. A waste if 90 minutes travel and waiting. Contempt!! Disrespect.

    So try that and if you can get agreement like this remind her that such flexibility will allow both of you a social life not bound by strict visiting legal schedules.

    So, find ways to keep busy.

    Seek a new life, a new direction

    Work with your ex not against her

    Allow her to remain in denial its a common human trait

    Give yourself time to recover.

    Finally

    ..it isn't your fault

    Tony WK

  12. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16466 posts
    12 July 2016 in reply to Eagles
    hi Eagles, firstly I know what Tony has achieved and what he has has done to get his life back on track and I again congratulate him, but with your wife who could have lied about not seeing this guy even though it was still going on, certainly doesn't make her a good companion now, because if this relationship ends she will only be looking to start another one, that's her thrills, that's her big mistake and that's not how a married couple should live, marriage is a union between two people and not an excuse to have an affair, and once that happens to me the marriage is over.
    Sure you may still love her, like I still love my ex, but trust has gone and once it's gone I'm never sure it can ever be returned.
    You can try to get trust back into her but the person who has strayed away is the person who has to get you to trust her again, and not the other way around.
    I still remember the good times my ex and I had, they will stay with me for as long as I want them to, just as they can for you.
    What your wife and this other chap have done is destroy your marriage and once his spouse finds out their marriage/partnership will also end in tatters, and eventually their union will also end, and I certainly not even considering you get back together, that would be a big mistake, so you have to set up times when you can see your son, and once he's old enough he will learn the reason why you broke up, and to fair to him he has to know. Geoff.
    1 person found this helpful

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