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Topic: Confused

3 posts, 0 answered
  1. cookie11
    cookie11 avatar
    1 posts
    12 August 2015

    Hey there. I have been feeling sad latey and not sure how to get out of my funk! I am married with 2 children a couple of years ago my wifes mother passed away, and recently we have been having major finacial difficulties, we have been trying to keep positive however things just seem to be getting harder. My wife and I say as long as we have each other we are ok! Lately i am unsure about whether my wife really loves me or just the thought of me. We haven't had sex in nearly 2 years even though i have made many attempts. I feel like i dont want to be here any more however when i want to leave i think of my amazing kids and i cant do it.

    I got onto a forum like this and met a guy in the same boat, after chatting for a while he told me he discovered that he had feelings for men, this got me thinking and thought maybe its me thats sabotaging our marrage maybe im gay also, this just gets me so confused and also makes me sad that i am in a position that i cant get out off. Wow ive never said that out loud! i feel so anxious about my future finacially and physically, it seems like the edges of my world are crumbling.

    Thanks for letting me spew my thoughts

    A

  2. Haze
    blueVoices member
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Haze avatar
    4 posts
    14 August 2015

    Hey Cookie11,

    Thank you for sharing your story. I understand your confusion as the information you have shared are all life effecting situations.

    Have you consulted your GP to see if they can refer you for help, either individual or couple? There are alot of organisations that offer support for families in these kinds of situations ie couples counselling, they also offer other services that may help with your financial situation. Or do you have someone you can speak to that wont judge or gossip?

    Dont blame yourself, when in a relationship each person has to put in the same effort and communicate equally for a relationship to be successful. Have you spoken to your wife about how your feeling? If things feel flat maybe try and think of ways you could bring the spark back. Having children is hard as your focus is on the children and not your relationship. Maybe try taking her out on a date doesnt have to cost money. Take her for a picnic or to a place where you can see the city lights (if in perth WA then kingspark). This may help reduce both of your stress with what is currently happening. Also you dont know if maybe your wife is feeling the same regardless of your attempts, she may feel unattractive or that she is letting you down because of the situation. Unless you talk to her you wont know exactly what she is thinking or feeling.

    The hardest thing is to make the decision to leave but staying for the sake of the kids is never healthy. Kids pick up on more than you realise. But seek help before making that final decision.

    In regards to the male friend you met and now questioning your sexuality. You have found a connection with someone who shares a similar experience as yourself. Some times when we are at a low point in our life we attach ourselves to people who have been where you are. Not as a sexual thing but just because they understand on a different level. This doesnt mean you are homosexual, it just means you have more of an emotional connection, if it turns out that in fact you are homosexual thats cool, it is just another one of those things that life has to throw at you to make you a stronger person. Your children will still love you and your family and friends will also, it doesnt change the person you are. 

    I hope what I have said helps. Good luck with finding the answers your looking for. 

  3. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16247 posts
    14 August 2015 in reply to cookie11

    dear Cookie, welcome to the forum, and can I say that the reply by Haze is very good, and I totally agree with her remarks when she says that just because you connected to another male doesn't mean that you are gay, it's no different than going to a pub or club and socialising amongst the group, because you are bound to connect with someone.

    Love is such a sensitive word, if can vary so much in any relationship, from puppy love all the way to caring love, and amongst these two loves there ranges a great deal, even to the point of saying it, just to keep the peace.

    There have been many posts where the female has denied having sex with their partner and/or spouse, and this is a topic that can upset people, so I won't comment on this, but if you search for Steven1 there have been many answers and replies to his post which would be worthwhile for you to look at.

    If you are unsure and not happy staying in this marriage it's something which you should talk about with your wife, but this may turn into an argument which won't achieve much, as it will only widen any link between you.

    Alternatively you could just say that you are moving out, and I'm not saying that you should, this decision is up to you.

    I know that the children is one of your greatest worries, but living apart shouldn't allow you to see them.

    There are some big decisions that you have to make, so can I ask you a question, is there any real love in this marriage for the both of you to stay together. Geoff.

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