After reading your post and feeling the anxiety within it, I just want to give you a massive hug.
I can't help but wonder who around you is going to raise you through this challenge
- Who is going to raise you through helping you form a solid management plan from hereon in?
- Who is going to raise you to think 'Okay, I got this. I've got plenty of unconditional support around me'?
- Who is going to raise you to think 'This is going to be the making of me, not the breaking of me'?
- Who is going to raise you to vent in constructive ways, so as to avoid reaching the point of hyperventilating?
Have you considered constructing a team of 'raisers', a 'go to' circle of people surrounding you?
I imagine you might be feeling pretty exhausted right now. Stress can becomes seriously exhausting, when our mind is putting our body through the wringer. I can't help but wonder if the reason you haven't told anyone yet is based on you not wanting to be brought down by judgemental people. I've found, through experience, that there's only one way to sift out the 'downers' from the 'raisers' and it's to observe how they react. While the downers may say stuff like 'I can't believe you did that!' or 'What were you thinking?!', the raisers typically respond with 'Okay, we've got this' or they'll rub their hands together, ready for action, before announcing 'You/we can do this!' For sure, the 'sifting' process can feel pretty fearful at times.
While I may make it sound simple, selecting a good team or circle can potentially become depressing. I've faced a lot of disappointment over the years when it comes to being let down by people who I thought were a part of my supportive circle. Developing the mantra 'Okay, I disappoint you from the role of he/she who is part of my circle' has led to constructive appointments regarding people who can fill those roles. Strange as it may sound, there is an art to emotional detachment. There are benefits to exercising this ability.
I understand that it's a scary thing to ponder but the question remains 'When are you going to begin selecting your team or your circle?' If you have a good sense of who will raise you, without a doubt, best start with them. Start on a high, instead of a potentially depressing low. Trust your feelings as they'll tell you who is bringing you down. You'll feel it. The challenge is to seek the feelings that come with inspiration and positive guidance.
You're far stronger than what you imagine.