Hello,
I’m new here so please forgive me if I say anything out of place.

I’ve been with my partner for over a decade and I notice it’s wearing me down. I look back at old photos and I’m not the person I used to be. I’ve lost the genuine laughter and twinkle in my eye. Maybe part of that’s to do with maturing and going through life experiences, making one more wary but I keep wondering if a large part of that is to do with my relationship with my partner.

We can’t seem to communicate. Most communications end up with him being angry, rolling his eyes, sighing or just plain ignoring (like not saying a word or making eye contact so that I have to repeat myself and ask if he heard). In arguments, we just go round in circles and I end up having to apologise and then nothing changes. On the rare occasion when he seems to make changes, it’ll only last a week. When I do confront him, the usual responses are “I didn’t hear you”, “ you should make yourself clearer”, “I don’t remember having that discussion”, “I didn’t realise it was important”.

When things go wrong, I’ll often get the blame. From small things - like the kitchen towel being soaking wet (it was draped over the sink which was wet) to bigger things like why the household financial situation is not as expected.

When I gathered enough courage together and listed out key areas for us to work on, his response was “ it is who I am, I can’t change”.

He told me I am the problem, and wishes there is someone who can “fix” me and tell me how to behave. When I try to put in my side of the story, he either says it’s not important or I’m being nasty to him and he is the real victim.

I can see that some problems are related to my low self esteem during my upbringing and perhaps I should have been more vocal about issues earlier on in the relationship. I can also see he had issues too during his childhood which also play a role.

Some days I cry because I feel so sorry for the little boy that I can see in his eyes and wish I could make this relationship better for him so he won’t feel so upset. Other days I cry because I’m just confused and don’t know what’s up or down anymore as the saying goes.

So I’m just seeing if the community can shed some thoughts on what feels like a confusing situation to me. I feel I should leave because the relationship is harming me (regardless of whether it classifies as emotional abuse or not) but I also feel guilty that I’m abandoning a person who needs love.

Thank you.

Koala mum

welcome to the forum and thanks for your post.

You write clearly and I can understand how frustratung and confused you feel.

I can relate to what you wrote as my partner is controlling and has similar behaviors to your partner but not all the times. At times he can be considerate but he has never apologized, I do a lot to dave having a conflict, or I used to stand up more for myself.

If he wont see a counsellor you can go alone if you want to.

Are there any times when his behaviour is ok?

How long ago did this behaviour start, from beginnin gof a relationship or in last few years.

Hi KoalaMum,

Welcome to the forum. The BB forums are a safe and secure environment where you can share your thoughts and feelings without any judgement.

The main purpose of the forums are based on the foundation of listening and providing support and guidance when required.

I do feel for you, as your current situation is both challenging and complex in regards to how you are feeling and what you should do next?

To assist maybe the key question you need to ask is (remove all other external factors, including your partner)

What is the best for KoalaMum in regards to her happiness and mental health?

The current situation is unsustainable which you have recognised and you know that it cannot continue and something has to change.

Have you considered counselling either on your own or as a couple, this could be an opportunity for both of you to open up and share your feelings, and this might be the middle ground.

Finally, remember the focus is you and what is the most important thing for KoalaMums current and future happiness and well-being?

Wishing you all the best.

Baljit

Hello Thank you for your post and welcome

Im sorry to hear what your going through I have had some friends experience a similar thing
From what I have read/heard it is a common thing that can happen after time and when you become more comfortable you lose boundaries
I also suffered from low self esteem from childhood trauma however I have since addressed this as I was hypersensitve about things

It sounds like you guys arent communicating anymore and you are in a tough situation...
If you want to stay you need to communicate

In my experience talking to a professional for their perspective gave me all the information I need to make a decision
Have you thought about seeing someone?

If you want to talk this through with a Beyond Blue counsellor, we’re on 1300 22 4636 or you can reach us on webchat here.

I hope this helps and all the best

Thank you for replying so quickly and for your understanding. I try to explain to other people but most just say “he’s just got a strong personality” or say it’s just different relationship styles.

To answer your question, I’m like the frog in hot water that slowly warmed up and woke up one day and realised it’s too hot. Looking back I would say it was there from day one but it ramped up significantly in the last 2 years which was when it woke me up and made me realise it’s getting “too hot”.

There used to be good and okay times interspersed with the negative times. Now the negative ones are more frequent and intense, so much so it made me question my worth as a person.

Thanks koalaMum for your feedback.

i can relate to questioning your self worth.
does your partner behave well with others but controlling with you.

My partner is charming with others so many would not believe me if I told them. I have a close loved one who can see how manipulative he can be so I am able to talk to them.

Do you have someone who understands how your partner treats you.?

I suppose for me the positive and negative are equal.

what do you want to do ..?

would you feel ok to contact respect australia 1800737732 or look at the website.

Hello KoalaMum, what happens in the early days of a relationship change over time and your situation will change, it has for all of us and the true personality is exposed.

This is not so much about staying with someone 'who needs love', it's you who needs the care and love, and from what you have told us this certainly isn't happening, simply because you are apologising when you don't need to.

He doesn't want to listen to what you say and yes, it can be called emotional abuse, because all he wants is to have his way and not have any part in you.

In a relationship, if you have to build up enough courage to say something and then get a response that says 'that's just who I am', then he's stonewalling you and doesn't care what you have to say.

No, you aren't losing the plot at all, you're in a r/lationship you need to strongly consider leaving, I can't tell you what to do, but I can suggest to you that aren't happy, achieving anything you want and definitely not being loved, and that's all you want, to share accomplishments, do things together and mostly enjoy your life, that's love and not emotional abuse.

Please remember it's all about you and how you feel.

Please take care.

Geoff.

Hi Baljit,

Thank you for your reply and understanding. I came to the BB forum as a safe place to voice my thoughts and feelings and I'm grateful for this community.

You have highlighted an important question for me and it'll help me to evaluate my options.

I have thought of going to relationship counselling as a couple but fear I will get derailed in my thoughts when I have to talk in front of my partner which pretty much happens most times when we talk about the serious issues. But I will definitely consider it.

Thank you HappyHelper88 for your thoughts. Communication breakdown is an important issue for us and I agree this needs to be worked on if I was to stay. I'll keep the number handy.

Thank you QuirkyWords. My partner is much better with other people and when I bring this up with him, he says it's different because he doesn't have issues with them.

I know the situation can't continue on like this so I really need to decide if the relationship is salvageable. If he was being honest when he said he can't change, then I guess the chances of rescuing it would be slim.

I still need to do more thinking and soul searching on my part before I even think of bringing it up. Once it's out, I can't take it back because he has said before he would never take back an ex.

Thank you Geoff for taking the time to respond to my post. I appreciate the reassurance when I feel like I'm sitting in a storm.

I also want to thank everyone who has responded to me. You're all so kind taking time out from the festivities to reply. I can feel the care and concern - so thank you!

Geoff, you highlighted some important qualities that should exist in a relationship which I could never verbalise. I just felt like something was wrong so I'm glad to see it written in words to help me identify what I am searching for in my relationship.

Hi KoalaMum

While waking up to someone or someone's behaviour conjures up images of joyful revelation, I've actually found it can feel depressing at times. I know this sounds negative but it remains the truth in some cases. I can relate to a lot of what you're saying, based on my own marriage. I truly feel for you so much.

'It is who I am, I can't change' sounds so familiar. The response I typically get in a lot of cases, when I ask my husband to raise his level of consciousness and consideration is 'That's just me'. Waking up to what this meant in our relationship was challenging. The interpretation, 'I choose not to work on becoming more conscious. I choose not to evolve beyond who I currently am. I choose not to work on our relationship'. For our partner to choose what's easier for them, where does that leave us? On the up side, it dictates that we are on the path of becoming more conscious (yay for us) and they are choosing a different path, whether they're aware of it or not.

To choose the path of waking up/becoming more conscious is, I believe, about choosing the path that takes hard work at times. To choose the easy path is easy.Takes no effort.

Being a mum, I can honestly say it's my kids who have led me to evolve the most. Wondering if you can relate. As a mum, you can become more conscious of the need to develop your patience, tolerance, your ability to think outside the square (beyond traditional thinking or parenting). You can feel the need to work hard on what's not easy, adapting to what's best for your kids. You can develop your ability to be more unselfish while also developing your ability to recognise 'me time' (a hard balance to master). Your kids lead you to develop so much. Before you know it, you find yourself evolving far beyond who you used to be. Meanwhile, you can be met with your partner saying 'That's just not me'. They won't change all that much for the kids, for you, for the relationship. It's like you've been evolving at warp speed while they're happy traveling at their own speed.

Someone once said to me something along the lines of - You can lead someone to changes but if they won't follow your lead, if they insist on staying on their own path, the paths will at some point obviously begin to separate.

In regard to Quirkywords' suggestion about counseling on your own, I went to marriage counseling on my own and it made a positive difference to me, leading me to realise the best in myself, under challenging circumstances.

Thank you therising for your understanding and for taking the time to share your experiences. It is helpful to hear other people’s stories to see what their perspectives were in similar situations.

You have so eloquently summarised some of my inner thoughts. You’re right in saying my partner and I have developed at different speeds. I have tried to tell him, show him, guide him when I see his path diverging from me and the rest of the family but like you said, sometimes one does not want to be led or be shown a different way.

Koala

I agree that the risings insights and summaries 8n all her post make me think and nod my head.

I suppose that many people don’t like to feel they have to leave their own path and take another’s path in order to stay married.

Thanks for all your feedback.

Hi KoalaMum

I give credit to my husband also, for leading me to evolve into a more conscious person. I think some people can lead you to become more conscious based on what you gradually find you can no longer tolerate. Wondering if you can relate to the following. For me, I went around (for years) in a cycle I never recognised until the last 12 months or so. Btw, we've been together for about 25 years. I'm a slow learner :) Let's say the cycle starts with being happy with the way the relationship's going. So, you're happy and he's happy everything's happy. Then, you start to realise things are a little one sided, so you talk about what you need more of (clearer communication, more adventure, constructive changes etc). He's no longer entirely happy because you're 'making things difficult' when they were going so well. Cue your resentment and the dwelling stage, where you dwell on what's wrong. Suddenly, you hit some inspirational revelation where you realise in your state of enthusiasm and positivity what's wrong and you do everything in your power to work to make it right, including being all happy and giving and considerate in the way you try to raise your partner to be on the same happy excited evolved page. Now, you're back to the beginning of the cycle, with your positive enthusiastic energy which makes him happy. Life is easier for him, now that things are 'back to normal'. Then, the cycle repeats. If you do have a cycle, perhaps it's a little different from this. Part of my cycle involved the words 'Perhaps if I tried harder things would be better'. One day I woke up to the fact I was always the one trying harder. I've actually come to amaze myself with how hard I've tried.

KM, looking back to who we were at some point can often reflect how hard we have tried. I used to think 'I've tried so hard to stop being confrontational (sacrificing my feisty sense of self in the process). I've tried so hard to suppress my need for more adventure based on him not wanting to add a lot of ventures to life or set goals to look forward to (leading to grief for the adventurer and visionary within). With him not putting in the effort the relationship deserves, I feel worth less than what I deserve. I feel worthless (a loss of that true sense of value)' and so on. Of course, the truth remains we are feisty adventurous visionaries of great value and nothing can change the truth. Re-membering our self (putting our self back together) can become the #1challenge :)

Hi KoalaMum

I wish the best for you. I hope you both come to work through the challenges together, so you're not left to work hard on your own. I also hope you come to fully connect with that part of you or those parts of you that make all the difference in your life. Re-membering yourself is a self loving experience.

I've discovered that while life forms a person, with their upbringing and their experiences along the way, they can be reformed in new constructive ways through a challenging and evolving relationship with a partner. If raised to feel unloved, there is the chance to discover the definition of love in a challenging relationship. If raised through low self esteem, there become challenges that push one to find self respect and self efficacy. If life has lacked direction up to a point, the opportunity to set goals (including ones for personal growth) can come about. There is so much to gain, together and individually. There must be a willingness though, in order to gain. It sounds like you are more than willing, as you clearly work hard on the challenges you face.

:)

Oh Koala mum,

Firstly, I just want to give you a big hug and a warm welcome to the forum :) aspects of your story feel so familiar for me and I’m sorry you’re going through it. It can be so hard to find our voice and speak up against “strong personalities”, that it can be incredibly demoralizing and hurtful not to be heard or have your feelings validated in any way. Your husbands response that “it is who I am, I can’t change”is a total cop out and immediately absolves him from any responsibility for his behaviour. My ex used to say something similar, “if you don’t like it leave” which has the same effect. Imagine if your children were allowed to say that any time they did something he didn’t like?! It’s always one rule for these people and another for everyone else. It’s a hard one as these people tend to be very manipulative so couples counseling can actually be detrimental because they use it as a chance to manipulate and focus on how you are not meeting their impossible expectations. I had some success with constantly asserting my boundaries, it didn’t make for a comfortable life but it did improve things a bit.

Thank you Juliet_84. Big hugs to you too.

It helps me immensely to know there are people out there who understands what I'm going through. My partner often denies or seemingly have trouble remembering any of our arguments or discussions so there are times where I'm left questioning myself. Sometimes I wonder if he has narcissistic traits as arguments frequently get sidetracked, diverting the blame to my shortcomings and most things centre around what he wants. Even if I manage to get him to agree on something, he'll come back next day and start the discussion all over again and reiterate his original demands, as if the previous day's agreement or discussion never happened.

I appreciate hearing your perspective on couples counselling as you vocalised precisely what my concerns are. Thank you for putting them into words as I couldn't quite come up with words to describe my worries before.

Thank you therising for your words of encouragement. It has given me lots to reflect on.

I have been focused on what others need as I'm a people pleaser so it'll take time for me to learn to reconnect with myself again.

Hi Koala mum,

This forum is unfortunately full of people who understand where you are coming from, myself included. I was in a domestic violence relationship for over 10 years so I am familiar with the tactics used. The walking on eggshells, the pressure build up and inevitable explosion. And then the next morning when you are expecting an apology, you instead get nothing but minimizations that it a) didn’t happen or b) if it did happen, it wasn’t that bad or c) if it was that bad, it was both of you. He may have narcissistic personality disorder, or at least some of the traits. I’m my case, our “arguments” (he called them arguments but it was very one-sided) would escalate very quickly and really just consisted of him shouting the same thing at me over and over or he’d ask the same question 5 times and keep shouting it at me while I was trying to answer. They were very cyclical, rarely made sense and everything but the kitchen sink would get thrown in. I grew up with a controlling mother so she would get thrown in that I was just like her etc. The whole point of them is to throw you off track and make you feel destabilized. I read an online ebook once by Lundy Bancroft called “why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men” and that was the first time someone explained everything out to me. It’s freely available from here, I highlight recommend it if you have time:

https://ia800108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

My ex would only ever agree to couples counseling, not individual because he wanted to focus on how his needs would be met. I also felt quite unsafe afterwards as I had to travel home in the car with him. He would rant and rave at me, accuse me of “putting on the water works” and making things up about him to get the therapist to side with him. I asked what example was untrue and he couldn’t list it but never stopped him from saying it. Then we’d get home and he’d become the therapist for hours, telling me exactly what was wrong with me. Your husband may be much milder in his behavior, I’m not sure, so it might go better for you?

Hi Juliet_84,

Thank you for the reading recommendation - I’ll definitely look it up.

You describe my feelings so well - the walking on eggshells and inevitable explosion, no matter how one tries to side step the bomb. I would be so tense and on constant surveillance and high alert. When I hear him come home, I literally freak out. The feelings I get in his presence are not just emotional, they are physical like nausea, clumsiness, shaking hands, clenched muscles…..

The hardest part is not everyone understands. Their first question would be “did he hit you” and when I deny this, everything I say from there on seems unimportant. People would say to me “is it really that bad?” It is difficult for people to understand when there is no “hard evidence”.

My partner hardly yells so my experience is different to yours in this respect. What unnerves me is his silence, his questioning (which feels more like interrogation to me), his watching my daily activities and making me explain why I do things (only to ridicule my explanations) as well as the minimisations and other things I mentioned before.

With regards to couples counselling, he told me it would be useful so a third party could tell me what I’m doing wrong (so when you wrote your earlier post, I was grateful my concerns were articulated as I knew something wasn’t right but wasn’t sure how to express it).

Hi Koala Mum,

I found that book so enlightening, she was able to articulate and explain a lot of behaviors, and identify ones that I hadn’t previously been aware were abusive. She worked with hundreds of abusers, and I t’s perhaps the most accurate account of their tactics I’ve read so far.
Ahh yes, I am familiar with the constantly shifting goal posts. My partner would lose his mind over something so I would try to avoid it in future but he’d seem unfazed or tell me not to bother as if it wasn’t important. There were certain things that were recurring, the house was never clean enough. That was a convenient one because it’s subjective so can be used whenever he was in a bad mood. I also worked full-time and had a demanding job and also a medical condition, and he never helped (or if he did, I’d hear about it), so that was a constant struggle. Funnily enough, when I moved out I no longer struggled with it, probably because I wasn’t so run down and depressed constantly trying to cater to his endless needs. Your husband may not yell but you know what doesn’t feel right. Like you, I got to the point where his key in the door would cause me great anxiety. I used to also get the questioning, the loaded “how was your day” “what did you get up to” interrogation masquerading as care/interest.
Unfortunately not everyone will understand. My closest family still love my ex and wish for us to get back together. It’s incredibly hurtful when someone abused you so badly. But the reality is that they don’t know who he is - my ex was a master manipulator, he was lovely to everyone but me. You need to be ok with not caring what people think, they don’t need to live it. People ask “did he hit you” because that is what people think domestic violence is. My ex was physically abusive at times and I can tell you that was the least traumatic part of my relationship, the emotional abuse was the worst and took the longest to heal. If anything, the physical abuse almost made it easier, because it made it harder to deny and easier for psychologists to categorize.
His attitude to couples counseling is worrying. My ex was the same, very keen for couples counseling so he could use it as a tool to get more of his needs met. He could also feel me pulling away so it was his way of trying to get me to put more effort/energy that I didn’t have into it. If you do go to a couples counsellor, I would suggest going to a male, that apparently gets a better response.

Hi KoalaMum

Juliet is such a wonderful deeply thoughtful support and guide. While a lot of people choose to keep their experiences to themself, from the heart Juliet offers her experiences to help light the way ahead for you. Her enlightenment is heartfelt and inspiring.

I believe, as we go through life different parts of us come to life. A lot of those facets come to life in the most challenging of times. Without certain challenges, those facets of our self stay dormant, without us ever meeting them. At 51, this is something I've just woken up to. At 51, there are still parts of me coming to life that I never knew existed. Sometimes you can see something you admire in another and be wishing you had that trait. Then, one day, through some challenge or opportunity you find that exact same trait within your self. I suppose it's a bit Wizard of Oz-ish in a way. One may be seeking courage or heart or intelligence, without realising those things are gradually coming to life throughout the challenges along the way.

The question could be 'What is gradually trying to come to life in you?'. There is either something or perhaps many things at once. Could it be your self loving nature, your self respecting nature, your self inspiring nature, your confident/courageous nature and more? Are these facets now saying, finally loud enough for you to hear, 'I deserve love', 'I deserve respect', 'I deserve inspiration', 'I deserve to be heard' etc?

Oh therising, you have cheered me up endlessly with your kind post, it honestly means the world. I at times doubt my style of feedback and wonder whether the recipient will interpret it as me trying to hijak their post or talk about myself too much, so I am glad that you have “seen” me and the meaning in which my advice is intended. I’m sure I speak for a lot of us when I say this forum is just as vital and rewarding for those of us responding as it is for those posting. May your 2022 be everything you wish for x

Koala mum

thanks for this thread as it is helping me and others who read but don’t post.

Thevrisng your insights are so clear and helpful.
I agree with your understanding of Juliet’s helpful posts.

Juliet,

your sentence “he was lovely to everyone but me “ resonated with me so much.
I mentioned this in an earlier post. To be fair he can be lovely to me but I don’t know when it might change in a nano second and I am called horrible names.

Therevis no physical abuse and I truly believe he has no idea how manipulative he is. He has very quick temper.
one thing is people often say how lucky I am as he does all the cooking as he won’t let me cook. Trouble is that is controlling as I have no control over what I eat and some meal times are stressful because if I don’t praise him every minute he gets mad . Once he threw my meal in the bin because I said the potatoes were not cooked.

Thanks everyone for being honesty and KoalaMum thanks for being open an sharing.

Hi quirkywords,

I’m so glad that you found some parts of my post resonated with you also. Even though I am sorry you are going through this too (hugs). In my case, the physical abuse in my relationship was the least damaging part ironically. As I’m sure you are aware, it is the insidious but predictably unpredictable emotional abuse and constant control that really messes with you and wears you down over time. Like yours, my ex would also insist on coming grocery shopping and we would cook meals together (me basically preparing everything for him to come in and stir). Even though we did groceries together and cooked together, he would tell anyone who listened that he “did everything around the place” and that I “had it good”. I was made out to be this lazy spoilt princess who did nothing when in reality I had to do absolutely everything else around the house and involved with running a household and also work full-time. I think he saw cooking as a big ticket item that people would be surprised by so he loved that, and the grocery shopping, well that was just because he couldn’t stand to let control of anything. And then he would minimize my contributions by saying “how hard is it” and constantly telling me that I “did nothing for him”. If you read the e-book in the link that I provided in my earlier post, she will discuss the “types” of controlling partners, mine was the Demand Man. I cannot recommend that book enough, it was like a light had been suddenly switched on.

Juliet

Thanks for that suggestion. I read about the different types and mine is a cross between mr right , mr sensitive, and the victim and a couple of demand trait.

There were so many things in those descriptions that I was nodding as I read. I have not read it all but the different types was so real and now I feel I am not imagining it.

I will read the rest when I can.

Koala mum have you read the book it is really worth while having a read as it makes things very clear.