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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Ex Jehovah’s Witness ?

Topic: Ex Jehovah’s Witness ?

  1. Kelski
    Kelski  avatar
    7 posts
    23 February 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix,

    thanks for your insights. I’ve realised the anger I was feeling came from really acknowledging the things that happened to me and my family. I think it felt easy to blame my Mum for not protecting my sister and I from it. But the more I learn about cults and high control groups the more I realise how much a victim she was too. I’ve been watching a documentary series called The Vow and it’s been quite cathartic to see so many people from all walks of life impacted by this type of manipulation one experiences in such groups. It’s made me feel less alone/weird and helped me realise no one is impervious to this kind of control.

    with regards to my sister, I’ve really taken on board what you said around being an Oasis - I will continue to work on being here for her but that ironically means I have to let go of controlling any outcome around our relationship, she has deep issues o don’t believe she’s addressing and I can’t feel responsible for her too, I can only work on taking care of me in the hope the changes I make ripple out to her and my Mum. In the meantime, I’m looking into how I can get support and from whom. I already work with a psychologist so I’m thinking it’s best I broach this with her, although I do feel concerned as to whether she will fully understand. But I guess we shall see 😊 thanks for listening and for all your support thus far.

  2. Intronaut
    Intronaut avatar
    7 posts
    10 March 2021 in reply to Kelski
    G'day Kelski,
    Reading your posts brought back some memories from my tainted childhood thus i felt the urge to reach out. Thanks for joining up and sharing, it helps us all when we do so i think.
    My mum was the driving force behind me and my sister attending meetings, book studies and the door to door work for 16/17 years and when i left the truth at 21 our relationship got weird. I kinda resented her too for putting me through all the conditioning and one day while i was in her house and very drunk, i told her everything. Theres nowhere near enough space on the internet to type exactly what i said to her and all that is kinda beside the point, what she said to me was "I didn't realise, i just wanted to give you and your sister the best i could. I wanted better for you." I couldn't really resent her after that. I felt she genuinely meant what she said even if she was stupid/naive for thinking it. Not to say this was your exact same circumstances or will help you at all for that matter but it made me realise that my mum wasn't the evil villian of the story, just another poor victim of the jw cult that has to live with the fact that she messed up her kids while she was trying to do just the opposite.
    That insidious sect is ultimately to blame for our being on this forum and tending to each others wounds. Not to discount any resentment or issues with our families or to sound cliche, but i think it's important not to loose sight of the real enemy.
  3. smallwolf
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    smallwolf avatar
    5771 posts
    11 March 2021 in reply to Intronaut

    Hi All,

    As I come back to read the stories here, the one thing common (?) to each story is the effect that a religion can have on individuals. They also show you (and perhaps others from other faiths) are not alone and in spaces like these you can chat about things and perhaps share what things have worked for you.

    @Intronaut - It is good to hear you were able to talk it through with your parents. That what you parents said to you I have heard in other stories as well (a book recently published about the children of missionaries) - of a misguided belief. How are things going for you these days? Any other tips to share?

  4. Motocat
    Motocat  avatar
    4 posts
    28 March 2021 in reply to smallwolf

    Hi everyone

    This is my first post and I just want to thank you all in advance for being so understanding to one another here.

    I am a Catholic and I have fallen in love with the most beautiful, caring wonderful lady who happens to be a JW.

    After a few years of dating, I asked her to marry me and she said YES. We were deeply in love and had so much in common that it was like we were meant to be together. Even our sex life could only be described as the most incredibly out of this world in terms of compatibility and satisfaction fir us both.

    She told me after a while she had been disfellowshipped and also reproved several times in the 10 years before we met. Every time she was disciplined it was for sex related indiscretions. Because of her history, she had become an expert in deception, secrets, lying and living a secret double life.

    She was in her 30’s and had over 50 sexual partners before I met her. She maintained contact with many guys she had slept with, including a few married, engaged and attached men. They were simply no strings sex adventures for her. Her past didn’t bother me because I loved her very much and she loved me

    She kept me secret from all her JW family and friends for almost 3 years before she decided to tell the Elders about me. Again she was disfellowshipped.

    After a period of 2 years she applied to become reinstated. At this same time she told me (without any consultation) she needed to stop having all sexual activity so her conscience would be clear for Re-admission.

    After a few months of supporting her in her quest to be reinstated so she may again have contact with her family, friends, congregation, etc she has now completely ended our engagement/relationship (again without discussion with me)

    Needless to say I’m heartbroken and feel used, betrayed, and extremely embarrassed.

    Does anyone have any advice how I might approach this unpleasant situation and win her heart again over her desire to become a devoted JW again

    Please help

    Thank you kindly

  5. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    15318 posts
    28 March 2021 in reply to Motocat
    Hello Motorcar,I've kept away from this thread for many reasons, however, reading your comment has interested me and intrigued by what's happened.

    To be in love with someone there's nothing better, but if she is an 'expert in deception, secrets, lying and living a secret double life' would be a concern because even love can't hide the stories for ever, I'm sorry to say.

    You need trust in a relationship so if you do believe in her, it's a battle between wanting to be a JW or wanting to marry you.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

    3 people found this helpful
  6. Croix
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    Croix avatar
    10382 posts
    29 March 2021 in reply to Motocat

    Dear Motocat~

    I'd like to join Geoff in welcoming you here and feel for you in your current situation.

    I know you have asked for help in how to win this lady back however before deciding to do that, even while you love her, do you think it might be a good idea to step back for a moment and consider what is realistic?

    If a person is brought up in some religious sects it has a deep hold on them that gives them a slightly different view of life to others. Their base, friends, authority figures, beliefs and their history are a large part of their lives. It looks like this person has been torn between seeking companionship outside that sphere and then returning almost as a way of life, finding the two incompatible.

    Unfortunatly, like similar domestic situations, this has bred lies, deception and underhanded dealings rather than make a commitment one way or the other. I would guess the fact she feels you had to be kept a secret shows her religious community is the dominant part of her life and affections.

    Any strong relationship between two people is founded on consideration for the other person, a desire to make them happy and support them. To be equals and work together at life. Sadly from your account this does not appear to be the case, and she has acted to your detriment wihtout consultation on more than one occasion, plus you probably do not know if her previos liaisons have hurt others.

    You have given an enormous amount of support and understanding. Looking at your words from the outside I cannot feel you are ever gong to be in a secure trusting relationship with her.

    Perhaps I'm too gloomy or pessimistic. I can't really be the judge, which is why I suggest you step back and try to see the situation dispassionately before you go further

    What do you think?

    Croix

    .

    2 people found this helpful
  7. Motocat
    Motocat  avatar
    4 posts
    29 March 2021 in reply to geoff

    Thank you very much for your reply and advice.

    Much appreciated and duly noted.

    cheers

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Motocat
    Motocat  avatar
    4 posts
    29 March 2021 in reply to Croix

    Hi Croix

    Your posted thoughts are precisely what has been running through my head for a while now. Thank you and Geoff above for being honest and straight.

    Much appreciated

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Croix
    Community Champion
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    Croix avatar
    10382 posts
    31 March 2021 in reply to Motocat

    Dear Motocat~

    I guess it is one of those situations where the facts might tell you one thing and your emotions another, a difficult place to be as those emotions inspire hope, and that is not always well-founded.

    The other thing I wanted to say is you have lot to offer a partner. You are caring and steadfast. You are also slow to condemn which is needed in any good relationship. If you decide you want to walk away from this horrible situation there is no blame or shortcoming attached to you.

    'Love is blind' is more than just a saying, sometimes we do fall for someone who is simply the wrong person.

    Croix

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Motocat
    Motocat  avatar
    4 posts
    5 April 2021 in reply to Croix

    I’m really appreciative of your thoughts, insight and supportive sentiments.

    thank you so much. It eases my mind to hear your view as it eases my mind that I am OK as a man, and that I’m not reading the situation incorrectly because I’m too close to see the woods for the trees!!

    cheers

  11. Kin80
    Kin80 avatar
    1 posts
    10 September 2021 in reply to Gj1

    Hello

    I was raised as a jw and left probably around the 18/19 years old Mark. I am now 41 years old with 4 kids and a husband. I still have issues from my upbringing and how I was raised. I am happy to chat.

  12. smallwolf
    Community Champion
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    smallwolf avatar
    5771 posts
    11 September 2021 in reply to Kin80

    hello Kin80 and welcome. How are you feeling these days? Do you want to share anything about the issues?

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