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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Feeling broken and used

Topic: Feeling broken and used

8 posts, 0 answered
  1. NatJ05
    NatJ05 avatar
    4 posts
    19 July 2016

    Hi everyone, I'm new to the forums but have been reading and finding comfort in the responses found within them.

    I would like to share my story as I've been feeling up and down but now feel at my lowest.

    I have been in a long term relationship which has been very strained over the past 5 years. I'd become more of a carer than a partner and had lost all physical and sexual interest and was very lonely. I also found my partner had been cheating on me online. It just felt easier to stay as I didn't have the strength to leave. We have been living in separate bedrooms the last six months. During this time I have been suffering from insomnia, anxiety, depression and have had panic attacks. I have been having counselling.

    We have been together a long time and I'm not from where we live so I feel really isolated with no support network.

    A few months ago a manager at work started friendly conversation with me, which increased in frequently to the point I was getting constant messages over the company communication system. I quickly began to enjoy the attention and looked forward to our chats and became attached to the point that our relationship became physical. Not long after they cut communication with no explanation. I can only assume they wanted sex and have now moved on. I have since discovered that they have done this before.

    I feel heartbroken at the breakdown of my long term relationship and feel angry and disappointed in myself that I fell for someone who saw I was at a weak point in my life and took advantage of me. They also broke my heart.

    I used to love my job, still do, but find myself crying at my desk, unable to concentrate and feeling alone and helpless. Because I effectively 'cheated' on my partner I feel embarrassed and can't talk about this with anyone and have sunk further into depression and often cry to the point I can't breathe. I still have to work with this person.

    I feel like I need closure, like I need them to admit to me why they did what they did before I can move on. I also need an end my long term relationship but they refuse to accept its over.

    Counselling so far hasn't worked and I have begun abusing prescription meds.

    Every day I feel like I am sinking deeper and deeper and I don't know to get out of this hole.

    Any support or advice appreciated.

  2. Apollo Black
    Apollo Black avatar
    401 posts
    19 July 2016 in reply to NatJ05

    Hi Nat, I feel like I've been a little over the top with advice lately so I'm going to try and check myself, because to be honest - I'm in pretty bad shape. I'm probably at the lowest point of my entire life right now. So you're not alone.

    i sat in my office today and cried. My marriage had come to a grinding halt and there's nothing I can do. I'm holding on to whatever I can.

    what I mean to say is that somehow I know there is going to be an end to this. The sun is going to shine again and life will be good once more.

    Sometimes people come into our lives attracted to our negative energy. This manager did just that. Yes he probably took advantage of your vulnerability at the time. It is just what it is. But what's the point of looking for answers in it? What's it going to prove? At best he'd probably come up with some kind of lie just for an easy way out. He probably felt just as guilty as you perhaps. Don't beat yourself up about it.

    For some reason life dumps us to rock bottom, perhaps so we can take stock and make a much needed change, a change for the better.

    Do you have children? Children obviously make things a lot more complicated, but if you don't I'm not saying it will be easy but you need to eventually make a decision. You're at a crossroads just like me.

    Is this manager still at work? That makes things difficult. Is there an ability to take time off, go away by yourself, visit friends elsewhere? It sounds like you need some focused therapy just one on one to help puts things into perspective.

    I'm assuming you're taking sleeping pills or something? I think you've made an important first step and that's getting your story out here. We'll listen, we understand and we'll try to help. You are certainly not alone.

    Be kind to yourself and keep in posting, please

  3. NatJ05
    NatJ05 avatar
    4 posts
    19 July 2016 in reply to Apollo Black

    Thank you Apollo Black.

    I hope you are right about the sun shining, I want to feel it again one day soon.

    I know answers aren't going to prove anything, but I feel like telling he really did hurt me, but I think I will just sound pathetic. I have doubt he used me.

    I don't have kids. I think any decision would involve me taking legal action to dissolve thelrlationship. Something I have less strength for after being dumped by this other guy.

    He is still at work and we need to work closely on occasion. I have considered looking for another job, but there is not much out there and I don't think I am in any mental state.

    I have thought of taking time off but don't want to be alone, or in my own head and don't really have friends to stay with,

    I could stay with my father who is fighting a terminal disease but I'm scared to go there as he doesn't know of my relationship breakdown. Hardly anyone does.

    i am taking sleeping pills, and have considered ad's but the last time I tried the side effects were worse.

    i will look into more counselling, even if it didn't help before. The cost was a factor too.

    thank you for your kind words and not judging.

  4. Apollo Black
    Apollo Black avatar
    401 posts
    20 July 2016 in reply to NatJ05

    Regarding your husband, or long term partner - you mentioned you are more of a carer. Does that mean he has a disability or something? Or do you mean he's quite dependent on you in other ways? Are you willing to expand on the online cheating thing? Was this an "emotional affair" or something else?

    Sorry about all the questions again - but you mentioned that counselling didn't work. Was this for both of you in the past or just yourself? Is it worth revisiting this with a different counselor? By the way I totally understand the cost thing. Even a mental health plan doesn't really make a massive difference in the scheme of things.

    To get this straight, have you and your partner been living in separate bedrooms in the past 6 months because of his online cheating? I think in your situation you're just prolonging the agony with staying with your partner. Unless you can both see it in yourselves to somehow recommit to healing the relationship then why stay and live like this? It's only going to make you mentally and physically weaker. Now you've sought solace somewhere, gotten hurt by it whilst also suffering from the guilt of an affair, as brief as it was.

    But you know what, I can totally understand why you're stuck. If you're like me, you're afraid. You can look at my personal thread and argue to me "well why haven't you nuked your marriage?". Good point. To be honest if I didn't have a child I'd be so far gone it wasn't funny. I do though and I would but she won't accept reasonable terms of shared care so I'm doing everything to avoid a court custody battle.

    You need help. You not only need to get this work affair off your chest (with a professional, a friend, a family member, someone you trust) but you need to bring your relationship with your long term partner to resolution - whatever the outcome. Trust me it only makes you more mentally unsound doing nothing about it.

    I'm sorry your father has a terminal disease. What is your relationship with him like? Perhaps this is a good time to spend with him, whether you open up to him or not?

    Once again, you're not alone. Happy to keep chatting

  5. NatJ05
    NatJ05 avatar
    4 posts
    20 July 2016 in reply to Apollo Black

    Hey, my partner of nearly 20 years suffers depression and other medical conditions which mean he can't earn much in the way of income so I have been financially supporting him. I found out about 6 years ago that he had registered on lots of cheating/dating websites. Our sex life sucked. The bedroom thing only started after what started to happen with me, it was a bit of a wake up call for me that I could have 'feelings' again.

    we have had counselling together and I have been by myself over several years. Just me most recently.

    funny thing is, I don't feel guilty, just dumb for believing it was any more than what it was. I've talked to the few friends I can but they are sick of hearing about it, I've become 'needy'.

    I've since made an appt with another counsellor. He has a different style than the others so fingers crossed it helps.

    I can't really talk to my father, he is old and frail and wouldnt understand, and its a poor excuse - I dont think I can go see him right now.

    I've spent the last hour drafting a two line message to this other guy which i know i shouldn't send..

    Thanks for your chatting, I hope your situation Improves for you too. I guess we have to remind ourselves it can't and won't be like this forever.

  6. IJG
    IJG avatar
    12 posts
    20 July 2016 in reply to NatJ05

    Hi NatJ05.

    Sorry to hear about your relationship and the person at work that took advantage of you when you were down. That's when we are most vulnerable. We see that attention and think it's more than what it really is.

    I've been there with work colleagues and my marriage broke up after 20 years and kids are involved. I stick around way to long just for the kids and made things even worse by doing that. I got so depressed I wanted to end my life.

    You need to get out of your relationship if he is cheating on you and move forward with your life. I know it won't be easy especially when you don't have family around. It is disappointing that your friends aren't there to help.

    I know what you mean about you feeling line they don't want to hear you going over the same things again and again. I am going through this at this very moment. I apologize to my friends for driving them crazy but I have found a handful of them that don't mind or at least they say they don't ;) because I do need to talk about it till I can get through it.

    Like yourself I drive myself crazy being on my own as I just go through things again and again.

    We are all here to help you so please feel free to go over things as many times as you like and talk to us. I know how you feel.

    I'm going through the worst time in my life at the moment having a breakup with my wife who I thought we would never break up. It's a long story.

    Don't worry about sending the drafted message. They don't achieve anything. If anything, draft it and then read it again tomorrow. Don't just send it. You may find you were glad you didn't. Don't stoop to his level. You are so much better then that.

    You are an amazing person. Everyone makes mistakes.

    I'm here to chat anytime.

  7. Apollo Black
    Apollo Black avatar
    401 posts
    21 July 2016 in reply to NatJ05
    Don't send it
  8. NatJ05
    NatJ05 avatar
    4 posts
    31 July 2016 in reply to Apollo Black

    Apollo Black said:Don't send it

    too late.. 3am that morning I had a brain snap and sent it. although I regretted it almost immediately I did get a response.

    Its been a bit of a tough few weeks.

    went and saw the eap counsellor and have to say he was really good. I have heaps of reading material as homework.

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