This is my first time posting. I still feel raw after breaking up with my girlfriend - by email, then talking about it face-to-face. The waves of emotions are hard to describe - there is guilt, emptiness, sadness, despair. I feel a lump in my throat sometimes. My chest is heavy. I suddenly feel weak and I need to collapse somewhere and curl up and cry. Keeping this at bay while putting on a brave face can be exhausting. And I'll be honest, although I can describe, using reason, why I broke up with her, I don't know why I am going on or what I want in life anymore. I feel that meaning is extinguished and I can't make sense of it anymore. The emotion will settle sometimes and I think I'm fine, then it comes surging up again. I don't want this to be true. I feel sorry for myself and for her. I don't want to be alone processing this awful experience. I feel unprepared and drained. It is so much bigger than me, and I feel weak by comparison. But I don't know who to turn to - I don't feel the closeness and trust I need in family and friends to make myself vulnerable this way and tell them about something so personal and intimate. I keep doing things, like eating or going about my life, by instinct or routine, but it feels senseless. I can detach and observe myself, even examine myself doing what I am doing, or in the clutches of grief. What I want to do most is get on my hands and knees and tell her how sorry I am and that there must be a way to make it ok again, even though I know there isn't. My reason tells me it is the right thing to do, breaking up with her, and I need to do this to look after myself, but I experience this as feeling so wrong. Four years of my life - ended. My grief is beyond words. The only thing that makes sense is my grief - it is a raw pain like a gaping wound. And I know I won't be ok tomorrow, or the day after. I suppose I need to share this or lighten this - but how? I'm told I have to go through this, give myself time to grieve. The pain makes me want to scream. The guilt makes me want to feel as small as possible. I don't know what is right or wrong anymore - I feel lost. I don't have any direction. Yet somehow I can't get rid of my survival needs. I'm so unprepared. It is overwhelming. I want to go back and change things, but I can't. I can only carry around this awful pain.