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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Feeling lost and in love, tell us your reasons.

Topic: Feeling lost and in love, tell us your reasons.

  1. geoff
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    24 May 2021

    We have many comments about being in love with someone but unable to achieve what we desire for many reasons.

    Love is a beautiful word that can be expressed by just a small smile, a floating kiss or even a simple message that only has a word or two, such as I cherish you, I want you to be by my side or more adoring words, sometimes we are too afraid to show our love and causes problems that we were not expecting.

    Why do we show our pets more love than we do with our partner/spouse?

    All thoughts are welcome, both good and those that truly upset us.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  2. Doolhof
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    24 May 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,

    My response is not in relation to my partner, but to my mother. I realise my relationship with her has affected so much of my life and my relationships with other people and my partner.

    It seems all my life I have desired the love of my mother.

    She told me from an early age I am her child, that doesn't mean she has to like me or love me.

    For some crazy reason I have tried to build a relationship with her. I love her. She disowns me and even treats me dreadfully.

    Mother has now moved house. For some silly reason I thought a new beginning might occur. Saw her recently and she hurt me deeply with her words. My offers of help were rejected then she asked others to do exactly what I had offered.

    Why can't I just walk away? Why do I continually seek just one word of acceptance from my mother? Why is it so important to me?

    Rejection can cut deeper than any knife. Knowing my own parent thinks so little of me my whole life has casued me so much trauma.

    I need to move on only the hurt and pain is so entrenched.

    3 people found this helpful
  3. Fiatlux
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    24 May 2021 in reply to geoff

    Thanks for the topic, my favourite subject, Love.

    My favourite quote about the subject,

    ”only love can be divided endlessly and still not diminish”

    This morning I woke up feeling like, I wish this life would just come to an end already. I thought about posting about this, but your topic has diminished that thought.

    Buddha taught me about unconditional love and I try to practice this in my daily life.

    From an early age Love is something that we are taught that we should be willing and able to die for and even to kill for. As a mother, we love so hard that we protect our babies with our lives. I felt unconditional love for my babies instantly at conception.

    Love gets complicated when misused.

    I often felt lost in my marriage. The word Love was used against me to gain advantage and to abuse.

    Those words, “if you love me, you will” were used often. This was emotional and psychological abuse which caused me so much trauma.

    I would often think, “if you love me, you wouldn’t” but I never dared say as much.

    Your point about showing more love for our pets than to each other, I discussed with my children some time ago when they were primary school age. But it was along the lines, that we show more respect and courtesy to strangers, than our loved ones.

    I raised my children with open affection. I told them multiple times a day, that I loved them. Kisses were plentiful.

    My own mother was not a hugger and grew distant as we got older. Dad was the affectionate parent and I miss his huge heart and bear hugs. Dad made me feel loved.

    Spousal love can get very complicated...

    Anyway, for the grace of love, thank you for your topic.

    Just discussing Love, has reminded me to practice some self love today.

    2 people found this helpful
  4. Sophie_M
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    24 May 2021 in reply to Fiatlux
    Dear Fiatlux, 

    Thank you for your post here today and for sharing your thoughts on love in its many different forms. It can be really hard to think about how love comes in and out of our lives but you have written about it wonderfully. 

    We also noticed that you might be having a really difficult time at the moment, we are really sorry to hear that. We thought that is might be helpful to you to give our phoneline a call on 1300 22 4636 to chat about how you are feeling. 

    Thank you to Geoff for starting a great disucssion and to everyone who is posting a response!

    Please remember that if you ever feel unsafe that this is an emergency and you should call 000 immediately. 

    Kind regards, 

    Sophie M
    2 people found this helpful
  5. geoff
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    25 May 2021 in reply to Doolhof

    Hello Dools, I've read your post several times and can't imagine the hurt this is causing you, the struggle you are experiencing and how much it means to you is causing so much grief and feel so sorry for you.

    Sometimes it's impossible to try and ignore these reactions because it's only natural to have our parents approval so that we can grow and learn from their vast experience in life, but as soon as they disown and treat you not the way you would expect, it digs deep into your heart and when you do everything that's possible to please your mum only to be hit with a barrage of criticism, it's simply too difficult to understand why.

    Like all things in life, all we want is to be accepted by our friends and family, especially our parents and when we believe we have done all we can to gain approval but it's not accepted, leaves us dumbfounded as to why.

    I am really sorry Dools this is happening and may be one reason why you are feeling the way you do.

    My best to you.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. geoff
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    25 May 2021 in reply to Fiatlux

    Hello Fiatlux, a famous quote by Anne Morrow and we do love our children on the conception and try our best to show them our affection towards them in everything they try and do while growing up, supporting them through any failure they believe they have done, giving them the courage to continue on and consoling them when they are down, that's a parent's aim in life, unfortunately, later on in life it may backfire on us when all the love we've shown, suddenly goes backwards for some unknown reason, that's when it hurts us.

    When a marriage is heading for trouble, then love is so difficult to express, not only by ourselves but to our children and those who have supported us throughout this ordeal, it goes beyond our control and love may be hidden away, suppressed until we are able to feel the love from someone else, although at times, this isn't even enough to bring us out of the depth of any type of depression.

    Before we can love another person we have to love ourselves first.

    Thanks, Sophie_M for your comment.

    My best.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Doolhof
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    25 May 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,

    Thanks for your kind words. Neither of my parents were there for me much as a child and all through life. At least Dad was never usually nasty, he just didn't communicate with me.

    People are able to walk away from their parents. For some stupid reason I have wanted a relationship with them. I wonder how different my life could have been if I had done that at the age of 17 when I left home.

    After seeing Mother recently I have been so sad. I feel so broken and shattered. Empty. I need to let go of any expectation my Mother might feel anything but contempt for me.

    I need to find ways to let go. To move on. One way love is too draining and painful. I have been told my trauma does stem from childhood neglect and abuse. Unfortunately it has tainted my life and I need to find ways to get past this.

    Thanks again for your kind words Geoff.

    Regards from Dools

    3 people found this helpful
  8. geoff
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    25 May 2021 in reply to Doolhof

    Hello Dools, one way to let go is to finally realise that holding onto what all of this has caused you is not going to change anything even if this seems to be impossible because it's not going to help you move forward, you're stuck on past problems that only your mother has created, this isn't you, now you have been helping other people on this site for a long time, something which you could have been criticised for by your mother, but she is not correct in her thoughts and should be accepting your ability to understand what others are struggling with.

    If your mum has kept on condemning you for doing this, then that's a fault of hers, not yours.

    None of us can be certain of what's going to happen today or tomorrow and on different occasions, we adapt to the outcome, whether we are right or wrong is something we find out ourselves, rather than with your mum, everything you did was wrong, how can you possibly move forward when this is always said to you, you need encouragement, praise and congratulations on what you've done, that's how you let go to also help others to overcome their problems.

    Condemnation by anyone is to be avoided in all circumstances and you can't change someone if that's what they don't want to do, it wears you down.

    Don't let this happen to you Dools.

    My best.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Sleepy21
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    25 May 2021

    hi there,

    unrequited love is a common theme here

    its also between the lines on many threads, becoming attracted to someone and wishing they could be more, but unsure if it is a possibility

    i am single and quite scared of entering a relationship and have been very hurt in the past and confused. love was always fighting, threats, harm and insults. and now i have no love at all, not sure what's better.

    Love can be in many forms and can be grounding. outside of romantic loves, i'd love to feel true love and trust for friends, this has been so helpful in the past but elusive atm. the ppl i surround myself with are fair-weather and not able to go into the trenches with me. good friends are loving, and bring love.

    3 people found this helpful
  10. Doolhof
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    25 May 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,

    Today I went and volunteered in a home for the elderly, something I have been doing for a couple of years now. I really enjoyed the company of some of the residents today. I had a great laugh with a couple of the people there.

    I also tell myself that we don't have to get along with everyone and that is okay. I guess some recent events with my Mum and other stuff just really hit hard.

    In my heart I know I will always love my Mum or maybe it is what I desire a Mum to be that I love. I can't expect people to be whom they can't be.

    Condemnation and being put down can be soul destroying, so thank you for your kind words yet again. I need to rise above the hurt and look at the things in life I manage to do that are okay!

    Relationships can be tricky! Cheers from Dools

    2 people found this helpful
  11. Doolhof
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    25 May 2021 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hi Sleepy21,

    Thanks for sharing your thoughts here. I am wondering if it is a societal thing at the moment, that if something or someone is not as we expect we exchange, complain, demand something better, get annoyed and do not persevere.

    Are we also being influenced by media? Do we have a false expectation of what a relationship should look like?

    I know some people do seem to have very close and personal relationships. I am happy for them and a little envious at the same time.

    Some days I just try to accept myself and do things that I can enjoy alone.

    2 people found this helpful
  12. geoff
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    26 May 2021 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hello Sleepy, I'm pleased you have found the thread.

    We can be drawn and attracted towards someone, but this doesn't necessarily mean that it's a physical attraction, may be they have the ability to have a discussion on many topics, inspiring you to feel bonded with them, because to like a person involves a number of different issues that connect you both, whereas being intimate may be the last thing on your mind.

    Platonic love is a type of love that is not sexual or romantic and can occur in a friendship that's been going on for years, however. there can still be some physical attraction to them, this doesn't mean that you want to be intimate, but is important for us to know that we have friends with who we can just have a talk or go and have some coffee together.

    Out of a group of friends we associate with, normally there are one or two people we feel more connected with and feel closer to, rather than the rest within the group, which may only consist of 3 or 4 people.

    When we have been hurt in previous relationships, we are dubious about wanting to form any connections with another person, simply because we're frightened the end result will be the same, but we need to realise that beginning a new friendship there will be small hiccups along the way, which at first can be ignored or you both have a laugh, don't let this stop you from wanting to meet with another person, no person in the world are exactly the same, so there will be differences in how you think, that's what may draw you both together and begin to love somebody.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

    3 people found this helpful
  13. geoff
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    26 May 2021 in reply to Doolhof

    Hello Dools, volunteering for an elderly home is a lovely contribution as some of these people enjoy a laugh, plus the company they may not usually have, and I myself have been to many nursing homes where the smile on some people once they see you, is heartbreaking, they must be sitting there only hoping you appear, but a relationship or friendship shouldn't be compared to your relationship with your mother, it's totally different and you shouldn't wish that it was the same with your mum, they are two different people, one is your mother and the other is a person you love to visit because of her reaction to you being there for a few hours.

    You will always love your mum and she may also love you, it's just that she can't show it like the people at the elderly folks home, you need to separate these people and take them as they are.

    Take care Dools.

    Geoff.

    3 people found this helpful
  14. Doolhof
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    26 May 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,

    Looking at your opening statement on this thread has reminded me of a book I once read called "The Five Love Languages". The book discussed different ways people send out love and desire to receive it.

    There are times I know I need to be loved and cared for in a certain way and don't appreciate the kindnesses that are shown to me as I feel it is not what I desire at that time.

    Maybe I need to read that book again and be more open to how people do care!

    Cheers to you and all from Dools

    2 people found this helpful
  15. Guest_3256
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    26 May 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff.

    You might have seen me floating around her on BB. My Partner and I recently reconnected (after I had to let him go to focus on improving his mental wellness) and we now lie with each other.

    It was tough, about 2.5 years of him being hot/cold, push/pull and one day.....her clicked. He says that he realised he needed to mature, that he now accepts that I love him...his biggest obstacle was not trusting me but believing in himself.

    Something that I have learnt from this ongoing journey is that when one partner is feeling it/ says that they aren't in love anymore, feels things are going stale etc....they simply need to love, value and believe in themselves.

    As I have stated on the forum before, if one cannot love themselves, they cannot love others. So my partner realised that it wasn't hat we weren't compatible (in my opinion that is a fake statement), it was that he needed to love himself like I love him.

    2 people found this helpful
  16. Ggrand
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    26 May 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hello Geoff, and everyone...🤗..

    I am scared to even be around men..sad isn’t it?...I crave to care for people. My sons who are too far away...My friends I sit back so I don’t annoy them with my care...

    I don’t think it’s Love I crave for...Done that once and that was enough for my life time.....People need companionship I think more so then love..... to feel good about themselves..to have a reason to wake up in the morning...and get dressed..even go out to visit their friends for a cuppa tea...etc...

    I put all my love and care onto my 2 fur babies...I know they love me unconditionally and I love them the same....They greet me when I get home from work with lots of screams, yelping, jumping and cuddles.....I don’t know and I’m sorry if I am wrong...does a spouse or partner greet us with so much love..Mine never did...My fur babies have all the time in their short little lives to be with me...So I suppose that’s one reason why I treat my dogs better then I treat myself...

    A lot of people can say they love their spouses, partners, children and grandchildren...Without spending time with them...I believe that to love a person is to give them your time first of all..then compassion, care and then anything thing else to make them feel loved.....

    I agree Geoff that love is a beautiful word....It can move mountains, lift up there loved ones spirit....

    Can you genuinely love someone or a pet....without giving them your precious time?

    My kind thoughts Dear Geoff and everyone..

    Grandy..

    1 person found this helpful
  17. Guest_3256
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    26 May 2021 in reply to geoff

    Apologies for my previous post....my spelling is terrible today.

    Hi Geoff.

    You might have seen me floating around here on BB. My Partner and I recently reconnected (after I had to let him go to focus on improving his mental wellness), he moved in officially 3 weeks ago Yay!

    It was tough, about 2.5 years of him being hot/cold, push/pull and one day.....he clicked. He realised he needed to mature, grow and learn to accept himself for who he is. The biggest obstacle was not trusting me but believing in himself.

    Something that I have learnt from this ongoing journey is that when one partner is experiencing difficulties such as they are not feeling it/ says that they aren't in love anymore, feels things are going stale, compatibility issues....they simply need to love, value and believe in themselves.

    As I have stated on the forum before, if one cannot love themselves, they cannot love others. So my partner realised that it wasn't that we weren't compatible (in my opinion that is a fake statement), it was that he needed to love himself like I love him.

    2 people found this helpful
  18. Sleepy21
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    26 May 2021 in reply to geoff

    thanks everyone for ur posts

    some good food for thought.

    some ppl say you never stop loving someone if u love them once

    there are all these theories of love and almost rules

    some ppl look back on something that they thought was love at the time, and see it was not in fact love

    taht has hapened to me when i was younger. i had a very particular idea of the person i should be with, down to their eye colour, appearance, interests....

    i kid you not, one day he appeared. I was in love. I told my friend I'd marry him.

    Once I got to know him I found him scary and upsetting.
    I remember him very early on justifyng hitting an ex partner "But she had been cheating on me..."
    I should have left then.
    I also remember being in the car with him and all the road rage.
    So it wasn't love at all, but some hallmark thing of me growing up thinking I'd end up with someone who looked like a Disney prince.
    Love is probably more subtle, creeping up on u. I wander how many ppl meet their partner in the most unexpected ways? love is very different to the movies.


    2 people found this helpful
  19. Hanna3
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    26 May 2021 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hi all,

    There are some excellent videos from The School of Life (Alain de Botton, who is a philosopher) about relationships - on Utube. If you Google School of Life it will come up - just look up relationships under it. He is critical of romanticism and has some interesting, thought provoking things to say about how we choose a partner, why and how things go wrong, etc. Hope this might be helpful to some people. cheers.

    2 people found this helpful
  20. geoff
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    27 May 2021 in reply to Guest_3256

    Hello Jsua, yes I've seen you around many times and it's great to read your comment and so pleased you have both reunited with each other, this may not be easy to do unless there is true love.

    I agree you have to love yourself before you can love someone else, and this can happen in many different forms, one is to have some confidence in what you believe you can actually do but too afraid to do it.

    2.5 years is a long time but being in love makes you believe you trust that particular person, that's how strong this word means to those who are seeking a connection, but more so, an affection from another person and there is nothing more beautiful than this, it develops strength as well as confidence and we learn this being a child.

    Compatibility between two people can be disrupted, simply because a mental illness has blocked a person from being able to think clearly, everything is distorted and the reality is floating around somewhere we are unable to grab hold of, it's like grabbing handful's of air, there is no sumptuous.

    One way to overcome any mental illness is to begin to love yourself.

    Take care Jsua.

    Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  21. geoff
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    27 May 2021 in reply to Ggrand

    Hello Grandy, I appreciate your comment in all sincerity and thank you.

    Companionship is having a close friendship built on trust where both people enjoy spending their time together, which may or may not lead onto becoming closer, this may happen with a workmate and then develop into a romantic relationship.

    We all love our pets in how they respond to us, by patting, grooming, feeding them and lying next to us in bed, (if they fit) but it's slightly different than loving a person, animals don't talk back, always know when something is wrong and definitely have a sixth sense when a lead is produced or even the car keys and don't talk back to us, whereas humans do.

    When you're first in love you're met at the door for a welcome or goodbye kiss but as the relationship lengthens, this slowly disappears and humans can agree or clash with what has been said.

    I believe you can genuinely love someone or a pet ..without giving them your precious time, if you're at work and just met somebody a few days/nights ago, then all you think about is being with them, likewise, you could be watching TV and your puppie could be lying down on their rug with their eyes glued onto you, that's love and I have to agree I give my puppies more attention than I give myself.

    Lovely to hear from you Grandy.

    Geoff.

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  22. geoff
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    27 May 2021 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hello Sleepy, you're right, I think we all believe that someone matching what we want them to look like will be our perfect match, sometimes we're lucky but our personalities may clash, they prefer white, while we like black, so it's undetermined until we get to know them more.

    One problem is that we may see someone who we believe we would love from a distance because they're attractive or handsome, dress well and seem to communicate well with other people, but once we start talking to them, they may come across as domineering or perhaps controlling and not suitable to have a relationship with.

    If you have loved a person, but then they have suddenly changed to go against everything you've said, then love is no longer present, although there still may be fragments in them that you still love but couldn't be with them forever.

    Take care Sleepy.

    Geoff.

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  23. geoff
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    27 May 2021 in reply to Hanna3

    Hello Hanna, many thanks for providing this information and will definitely have a look.

    Thanks.

    Geoff.

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  24. WaterFront
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    27 May 2021 in reply to geoff

    Hi Geoff,

    Thank you for starting this interesting and thoughtful thread.

    There’s an old saying ‘It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all’. Might sound a little trite.

    I have been thinking about that quite a bit lately, trying to decide if it rings true. Even after all the pain of breaking up and being rejected by someone (which I am still trying to work my way through after a whole year), I am grateful that I had them in my life for the time that I did and grateful for all that we shared together.

    Was it worth the hurt I am feeling now and the way I was treated at the end? I’m not so sure about that! Maybe for some it is true and for others not. Time and perspective might eventually provide an answer.

    WaterFront

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  25. Sleepy21
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    27 May 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    Hi Geoff and warm hello to everyone posting here and thank u so much for interesting points all

    Interesting Hanna - thanks for those tips

    i guess if we keep seeking for answers and insight we may learn about how we are in relationships, which can help us be a better partner, or in turn, attract a better partner

    Good relationships sometimes from the outside seem mostly about practical things,

    really i would like to someone to "do nothing" with at times, to chat, reflect on the day, watch a movie.

    Those quiet moments are soothing to share with someone who you care about a lot. Moreso than any exciting adventures or trips

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  26. geoff
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    28 May 2021 in reply to WaterFront

    Hello WaterFront, It’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all, is an interesting proverb because those who have loved someone so deeply over a period of time may think to themselves that it's now so hard because someone they had loved has finished the relationship and would have preferred not to have loved at all, whereas if you're on the other foot, then all you need is to feel the love from another person.

    It's not easy to try and justify this to someone as normally they will disagree when they've lost someone they love and may feel differently, although it could have a purpose, it shapes the way you handle future relationships.

    Not to love makes a lonely existence because you can't feel the warmth of a person next to you.

    I wonder whether we seek another person that could, in theory, love us more.

    Take care.

    Geoff,

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  27. randomx
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    7 June 2021 in reply to geoff

    Big hi to Geoff and all , love the thread Geoff no pun intended.

    l have many thoughts on love and especially of late , last few yrs. l hear you sleepy and others in becoming fearful of feeling love again because , love can hurt you. lt's such a shame , a sin that the two words even be used in the one sentence , but it can .

    Sadly l will need to trust 110% to love now , and l hate being like that . But since l become single again after marriage , and older , so disappointingly it seemed to be one of the biggest things for newly single people like me out there , trust, to trust again. Met lots of people denying themselves and preferring walls and a refusal to be hurt again , even at the expense of not allowing love again, feeling it , fighting it away.

    l don't want to be this way and l hope that at the right time and right person the guards will leave their post before it's too late.

    rx

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  28. Sleepy21
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    Sleepy21 avatar
    4081 posts
    8 June 2021 in reply to randomx

    i'm realising how much my early experiences have shaped how i am in relationships

    i've not had very healthy ones generally, i've accepted partners who were wrong for me and also said no to those who were "right" - whatever that means.
    I've probably wanted more to end up alone, which is maybe why i was sabotaging.
    I thought I was being age-appropriate, dating, having traumatic break-ups and make-ups, in my 20s, but i think looking back it all did a lot fo damage to my self esteem.

    i fear no one will be interested in me now with all that baggage.

    I don't know what kind of person i'd like, but i'm skeptical about love. It seems to much hassle tbh. An entanglement.

    2 people found this helpful
  29. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    15070 posts
    8 June 2021 in reply to randomx

    Hello RX, I like what you have said, and yes 'love does hurt' probably more than anything else because when the person you love hurts you in some way, which does happen in all relationships and how often do we hear that a couple that have been married for 50 years and unfortunately one of them passes away, it's not long before the other one does as well, they are heartbroken in losing their soulmate and can't bear to be without them, that's true love.

    Another example is when two people who have shown their love to each other over the first two months of their r/lationship and one person gets upset, how does the other one feel, lost, devastated and feel the love reunion won't return, has no idea of what they're going to do, except to try and make up with that person they idolise, the one they dream about and the one they talk incessantly about to everyone else, which may seem to be difficult but actually it's not because all you want is to be able to cuddle them and don't forget it goes both ways.

    Thanks for resurfacing this thread RX.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  30. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    15070 posts
    8 June 2021 in reply to Sleepy21

    Hello Sleepy, I understand what you are saying and I'm so many of us have formed a relationship either with a partner or workmate because we quietly love them, but once we get to know them more, we begin to realise they're not the person we had anticipated, you can't blame yourself for doing this, that's how you establish yourself and learn each time this happens and expand your knowledge.

    We all have baggage, some can put it behind themselves and push it away, although learning, while others find it difficult to do, but with each relationship, new prospects appear, different attitudes and ideas that once before you wouldn't accept, but now you've changed your mind and allow some of it.

    Take care.

    Geoff.

    4 people found this helpful

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