Hi Elsam,

I’m glad to hear. It certainly does seem very suspicious that he won’t talk on the phone even once over the past 5 or more months. And the constant trips to the US is unusual, particularly during a pandemic. Unless he is not really going there all the time and is doing something else here? He could just be sending old photos from other trips? Who honestly knows what is real and what is not with this guy. I would almost want to hire a private detective to find out what is actually going on, like on one of those shows lol. Not saying that is what you should do, and I certainly don’t think you should waste your money on him, but it would just be nice to know what his actual situation is because I don’t think you’re going to get the truth from him unfortunately.
The reality is Elsam, that you deserve a man who is not just going to see you sporadically on a Saturday night but also take you out on a Sunday for a walk in the park. Someone who will message you during the day and ask you how your day is or call you after work, and remember things about you and become a part of your life. Someone who you can count on to be there for you when you need them, not just when it suits them. It’s a shame that he isn’t this person as I know how exciting it can be when you feel that spark of attraction, it can be intoxicating and he has led you on in many ways. But you will feel that way again, I promise you. It’s a sad and painful lesson to learn that not everyone out there is as genuine as they first seem. I’ve learnt that the only way to guard against getting hurt is to take your time and really get to know the person before rushing in.

Hiya Elsam.

So sorry your hurting , l am myself to actually have a thread here somewhere. Thing is , he didn't pursue you much really at all , half the time you went on a limb and contacted him bc he'd disappeared again. And when he did it wasn't really much sorry.Few line, pic or two , doesn't really carry much wait l'm afraid. Same with saying he's attracted , he can feel attracted yet not more, yaknow.

They're right he isn't sure of his feelings but l'd go one more and say he isn't feeling more. On the US , of course he has to go back , he's children are there, my God how does he bear having his children on the other side of the world. He'll be going back forever just not as often when they're adults and with their own lives. They might be now actually are they , maybe that's how he can only go a few times a yr now bc if they were younger any father needs a lot more time with his children than that.

rx

Sorry l see they are adults now so that would at least explain how he can be this far away from them.And l agree with Juliet it is odd how he chose in the middle of a pandemic to go this time.

ps , the date site thing well yeah he met you on it , he may have met a lot of women on it but that doesn't mean he's fallin in love sorry. He's just spent a little bit of time with you talked a little bit too l mean that's what you'd do meeting somebody to see in time how you feel about ea other.

rx

Hi randomx,

I see what you are saying as well, that even though he has given some signals of maybe being attracted, he really hasn’t committed all that much. Two dates in a 6 month period, which both resulted in sex, and then just text messages, which don’t really take that much time or energy. I think the confusion for Elsam has been perhaps what he has been saying. Whereas I’ve learnt over the years to ignore what people are saying and focus on their actions and whether the two line up. If they are seeing you one a week or a few times a week, calling you after work to see how your day was, running errands with you just to spend time with you, or visiting you at work to have lunch with you and remembering important dates or coming to functions etc, those are all signs to me that someone is interested as they are expending quite a bit of time and energy to get to know you and become a part of your life. People often make the excuse of being busy, I’ve done it myself, but the reality is that you make time for the things that are important to you. I have worked for a number of specialists and surgeons, incredibly time-poor people, but they still made time for their families and were able to manage both. Please don’t beat yourself up Elsam, I don’t think that you did anything that made him lose interest, I just think that he wasn’t particularly clear with his intentions at the start.

Yeah you are right Juliet , even presidents find time for love , hell they still find more time for affairs in the side.

So sorry again Elsam but as Juliet's saying , yeah he hasn't spent any real time with you at all. He's not becoming part of your life your world , you , at all , there's no depth to he's few messages either really. l'm sorry but coming from a guy there's nothing much at all indicating a man newly in love .

Thank you so much amazing people, you all make me feel better and see things a little clearer.

Can I ask your opinions on me giving him a phone call possibly Saturday afternoon.

That way he has had 5 days to think about things before I give him a call out of the blue!

i am worried he might get angry and hang up on me though?

I was going to respect him and and ask if we could have a chat on the phone but that only gives him the opportunity to make excuses!!!!

If I call him it will ease my mind that way I will be able to get some clear answers if he answers my questions.

I want to ask him can I come and see him or catch up for a coffee.

Both times we have been together he has got us drunk straight away that way you don’t have a chance to really talk about anything and it was when he was drunk that he kept asking me what I was thinking!!

Hi Elsam

Sorry I wasn't around yesterday. I am sorry you've been distressed and I can see others here have been giving you good advice.

Elsam if the relationship isn't progressing he isn't interested. Please don't ring him you're just setting yourself up for more hurt.

He's made it clear he doesn't want anything more than a casual fling. He is quite possibly seeing other women.

I can only repeat what the others here have said to you.

Give up on this man unless you are prepared to be used for no more than occasional sex with him, which it seems to me is only going to cause you more anguish and be a waste of your time and quite honestly insulting to you.

Don't waste your time on this one.

It's a lesson learned. Walk away with at least some dignity left.

He's made it clear he doesn't want anything more. You clearly do, and fair enough - but not with this man.

Find yourself someone who is truly interested in you as a person and who cares about you.

This guy isn't and doesn't.

I'm sorry but move on now.

You've waited half a year for someone who gives you crumbs. Don't waste any more time on him.

I'm sorry but everyone here has been telling you this.

Keep your dignity and spend your love on someone who is deserving of it.

Not this guy.

Hi Elsam,

I agree with Hanna, when someone shows you their actions you need to believe them the first time. He has shown himself as callous and inconsiderate of your feelings. If he does by some miracle he does answer your call and does agree to meet up, you would more than likely end up in bed together and then you would be back in the exact same spot afterwards, with him ignoring your calls and feelings. But more than likely, he will be on high alert for your calls and not be answering any unknown numbers. It doesn’t matter what this man has to say, he’s shown you what he’s like. Don’t waste any more time by chasing him anymore, get back on the dating app and keep looking for someone who wants the same things as you.

Elsam he has either ignored your messages or given you a flippant reply. He's been rude to you and treating you with contempt for your feelings.

Take time to care for yourself and pamper yourself as you've been hurt.

Think about what you want and need in a future relationship. What qualities do you want in a man? What interests can you share, what sense of humour do you like?

Can you work on improving your own self-esteem?

Then go out and find a man who treats you with kindness and generosity and genuine regard.

Hugs 💗

Juliet, you give very thoughtful and kind advice to Elsam!

Hi Elsam,

I'm sorry to hear you've been having lots of anxiety over this man. The dating world is certainly a roller coaster of emotions.

Can I ask what you are still unclear about? You say you want to call him now because you are not getting the answers you want, but do you think that you might already know the answers?

You say you want to ask to meet him for coffee - have you thought about how he might respond given that he has already told you he doesnt want a relationship?

What does that mean to you - him saying that he doesn't want a relationship?

Can I ask what is stopping you from being able to move on from this man? What would it take?

Xg

Hi Elsam,

I just wanted to check in and see how you’re going? Have there been any more developments to your situation? I know you were suffering from some really bad panic attacks, I hope you’ve managed to get some relief from them.

Juliet x

@Guest_206 and @Juliet_84
Thank you for your messages and thoughts. I have been sick with anxiety and could not get out of bed over the weekend.
I don’t know, there is something that am I crazy about and so attracted to him, I have never felt this attraction to anyone before and I cannot let him go.
We have had lots of messages back and forth because I am trying to get answers from him.
Last Monday I couldn’t handle it anymore and sent this message:
Can you please tell me if I have done or said something ?
I am hurting and don’t know why you have changed after 5.5 mths
Please talk to me xxx
His response:
I am getting ready for my upcoming tests and preoccupied with that. As I mentioned not keen to kindle too much at the moment. I am sure you understand. Hope you had a fantastic weekend!


My response:
I totally understand you are busy and have your exams!
You were texting me everyday and flirting, how did you want me to feel. You were sending photos all the time and suddenly stopped. When we were together you gave me the impression you were attracted to me!
That’s why I’m confused!
Can I ask what you are looking for? As I said you cannot help who you are attracted to....
If there is no attraction there is nothing!
I like you, I think highly of you....
Is there anything wrong with that?
He never responded to the above!

Tuesday: I said Good luck for your Exams this week and and he never even said thank you!

Wednesday: Can you have the respect to answer one question for me please?
He replied straight away with: Not sure why you keep digging to change my answer?
As I said above, don't want to kindle or a relationship at the moment. Not in the frame of mind. Also my mind is focused on getting my xxxxx done now.
Have a good rest of a week and be well.
Wednesday night: I said hope you had a nice day!
If you don’t mind me asking?
Are we ever going to catch up as friends again, only asking because you say not at the moment!
Thursday morning he replied: Yes, sure when I am over the Hump. Have a good day!

Then I apologised if he had taken my messages the wrong way about a relationship! Because he seemed to change after I said I was attracted to him. But I did give him the opportunity when I asked do you really want to know and he said Yes!

Saturday I just sent a message and said Happy Saturday to see if he would respond
He replied: Hope you are well, enjoy your weekend.
Yesterday:

What are you looking for now M ?

I am sorry if I was confusing, but I am not any longer. I believe I made it clear I am not looking to mingle, flirt or be in a relationship.
Why has he kept in contact for nearly 6 months to turn around and say this to me. He was the one pursuing me all the time even for the 6 weeks he was overseas!
Why do all this for nothing, when he made it clear he was attracted to me and loved my photos.
I do not understand how he can turn around and say he is not looking to mingle, flirt or be in a relationship after 6 playing games with me for 6 months!

He got me fired up!!
So I said playing Cat and Mouse ??
I don’t understand why you just cut me off after 5.5 mths?
You wanted our rendezvous ?
I told you I am not ready for a relationship. I have feelings for you and I am hurting, can you understand that....
I would love to catch up with you when you are ready... xx

Today my mind was crazy and I had to send a message!
I’m sorry, I am very disappointed and upset at the way you are treating me when I have only been nice to you!!
I do not believe you have made it clear because it was only Thursday you said we would catch up when you are over the Hump!
I would appreciate it if you can please tell me what I have done to you for you to change??
He has not yet responded!

He doesn’t realise I am suffering from anxiety and panic attack!

His behaviour is only making it worse for me!

I am living on Valium so I can sleep, I asked my GP for a mental health care plan to see a Psychologist and no one could even bother contacting me!!!

I try talking to my friends but because they do not understand anxiety/panic attacks they just tell me to stop being stupid!!

So I don’t talk to anyone now because no one understands.

Most of this is caused from the DV from my ex husband which I will suffer with for the rest of my life.

I have probably made the biggest fool of myself by telling him how I feel but the anxiety takes over and I just have to let it out.

He probably won’t want to see me again after my messages because he will think I am crazy!

But he started it all by playing games and playing with my emotions and just proved to me that he is guilty of taking advantage of me!!

All I want is to love him and be happy with him! I am not even asking for a relationship, I even said to him just let us be friends and whatever happens happens!!

But his response was that he didn’t want to mingle, flirt or a relationship!!

So what has he been doing with me for the last 6 months!!

I never took advantage of him and I have been so honest and genuine with him.

My friends said never tell a man what you are thinking!!

Why shouldn’t we be able to express our feelings and emotions towards someone we have feelings for without fear!!!

Hi Elsam,

I'm sorry to hear you have had another bad week with the anxiety and panic attacks related to this situation. If your GP hasn't got back to you for a mental health plan to see a psychologist maybe you should give it another try so that you can get some support in this way. You could also use some of the BB resources, chat online, email or phone and they might be able to provide some referrals.

This person is being very unkind to you and even though you are attracted to him, I think you need to ask yourself whether he is the kind of person you really want to be involved with in any way. I know you are very distressed with the way he has been treating you and responding (and not responding) to you and based on his past behaviour, I really don't think that is going to change. He doesn't sound like he can be trusted to be a caring and supportive person to you.

Elsam, I can't tell you what to do as everyone needs to make their own choices, though I really think you might be much better off if you 'cut your losses' and made the decision that this person is not for you and not worthy of your love or attention.

Please continue to let us know how you are doing if you feel you want to and are up to it. The BB community are here for you to provide support and advice.

WF

Hi Elsam

I'm sorry you are still suffering so much anxiety. Perhaps your GP is over-busy at the moment with covid as well - it might be worth giving them another call about the psychologist as I think some support would be good for you.

The way this man speaks to you is quite flippant and condescending. He's made it very clear now that he wants nothing more than perhaps occasional sex with you when it suits him. It would have been decent of him to tell you this a long time ago.

I agree with Waterfront that we can't tell you what to do but I wouldn't waste any more time on this man.

I hope you can get some support to help you get over all this and move on to something better.

You have my best wishes 🥀🍃🌼

Hi Elsam,

It's not fair, and I see you trying to hold this man to a higher standard. Ie how could someone his age act so childish? How could someone who said they were interested, change their mind? Why is he not being nicer?

I would flip all that and ask, why does that matter? Why is he worthy of you? why do you want his attention, if he's such a bad guy?

He had a good thing, he blew it, and he's playing power games. Ur too good.... love urself and heal urself and surround urself ejth ppl who truly lovely and treat u kindly. Then, naturally, good people will co,e to u, who respect Ur boundaries etc. I suggest the book It's Called A Breakup Bexause it's Broken by Greg Behrent

Hi Elsam,

I think you said something interesting when you said “most of this is caused from the DV from my ex husband which I will suffer with for the rest of my life.” I think that’s important to remember, that most of the feelings that you are going through now are most likely as a result of your trauma from your previous relationship. Although I don’t agree that you will suffer from this for the rest of your life, you are worthy of love and capable of healing. I remember when I got out of my DV relationship, I started dating because that is what you do and I wanted a relationship to heal me. But I ended up just falling way too fast for the wrong person and getting my heart broken. Because I was still fragile and hadn’t taken the time to heal completely beforehand. If you really think about it, I think that you will come to realize that it wasn’t about this guy - he was emotionally unavailable, would never speak to you on the phone, rarely saw you, didn’t take you out for lunch or in the daylight, didn’t remember details about you. But you are more likely grieving the loss of the “what could have been”, the perfect relationship that you wanted but that he wasn’t. This guy isn’t right for you and he’ll never be right for you - you will always feel like you’re too much because he is unable to meet you half way. If it was me I would consider giving dating a bit of a break for awhile and focus on myself. Or alternatively if you wish to keep dating, I would really focus on people’s actions rather than their words, so that you can hopefully spot a wolf in sheep’s clothing next time. The dating world is full of all sorts of people and I would hate for you to wind up in a similar situation or be taken advantage of.

Hi Elsam,

I 100% agree with what Juliet has said. I think you definitely need time to grieve the loss of the relationship that you were so yearning for. Maybe you could even contact Relationships Australia to help you with processing this grief. How are you feeling now?

Maybe this could also be an opportunity to reflect on what you might do differently next time you dip your feet in the dating world. here are my thoughts:

1. clarify up front whether the guy is looking for something casual or is looking for a relationship

2. On a first date, meet somewhere public and just have coffee/go for a walk.

3. If you feel a big initial spark and feel yourself falling head over heels at first sight - proceed with caution and remind yourself that you are still getting to know who this person is.

4. If you want to be exclusive, clarify if they are dating other people.

If you look up safe dating tips online, you will find more info.

Anyway, let us know your thoughts and how you're going.

Xg

Thank you all, for the messages and support.

I am totally broken, I don’t know how I am getting through each day at the moment.

I will never date again, I am so scared of being hurt and going through this pain.

I am so lonely, I feel like I am dying.

Honestly, I am still trying to talk to him as I cannot move on with no answers

I do not understand why he has put a stop to everything even though o told him I was not ready for a relationship either.

I can’t do this, I cannot lose him

Hi Elsam,

We are so sorry to hear you are feeling this way. The community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14 for some further support. 

In the event that you are feeling like hurting yourself, it is important that you take immediate steps to keep yourself safe. You can do this by:

• Speaking to your doctor or psychologist (if you have one) if he or she is available right now

• If, however, you feel unable to keep yourself safe this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).
 

Hi Elsam,

I'm so sorry you're in so much pain. I can see that it's heartwrenching for you that you can't understand why he's gone cold.

But I believe that you will be able to move on from him in time because I believe that you are stronger than you think even if you can't feel it now. Can you think of a time in your past when you never thought you'd be strong enough to do something but in the end you did it?

Right now you just need to be gentle with yourself, and know that you're not alone as you have this community backing you.

Xg

Hi Elsam

I'm sorry you're still so upset.

You know, they say "the worst relationship is the one you can't let go". It might be worth you looking that up online.

Because I think what you are grieving is whatever was the part of this encounter that at the time made you feel happy and you are not thinking about all the time you spent feeling anxious and lonely and confused and hurt by this man.

Most of the past five months have been spent by you in anticipation of what amounted to only two weekends - and then only part of those weekends!

In reality you only had two meetings with him in nearly half a year. Yes I know he travelled but he made no effort to see you again before he left and has seen you only once since he returned.

Can you have a think about the time you spent anguishing over what you should text and when, wondering why he wasn't replying or wouldn't ever let you ring him, all the time you were left alone, all the time he had you waiting while he was away and only sent texts of a few words and a pic - which would have taken him all of about 30 seconds to do?

Don't you think you are worth more than this? Would you have treated him this way?

I'm sure he was charming when he did meet you but I think he just wanted to get you into bed with him. Sorry, but I'm being brutally honest here.

Clearly men can find you attractive and I'm sure you are happy, enjoyable company and lovely to be with! Can you use the knowledge that you are a person people find attractive and great company to give you the confidence to let go of this lousy relationship and find someone who will want to spend time with you? Someone who won't keep you dangling and anxious and unhappy and alone.

Move on now. You'll be lonely for a while only because I think your hope this man would be "the one" has kept you going. Spend time with friends and family and you'll get over this guy and find someone better.

You know you will be OK! You have support here and people who are trying to truly help you.

Big hugs girl!

💝🥀🌼🙂

Hi Elsam,

Hang in there. I read how you used to wait for him to ,essage first, and that way know he is keen.

I used to do that, but games are games, he could also do that, to test if u are interested...

feeling unsafe and unstable in a relationship shatters self esteem. To out so,one through that is awful. I hope u can love urself so so much to the point where u woild not want him. If he treated u this way once, he could do it again, to u or others..., I'd want to be as far away as possible from that. What would happen if u never heard from him again? But then 1 year ago you bump I I him, he's between things, breaking up, making up, lost....and u are happy with so,eone who adores you. You have a lot to gain....in Ur beautiful future

Oh Elsam, it is clear you are going through a storm right now and I hope you can find peace soon. In reality, you have your answer from him, he is not interested and not after anything serious. He may have problems with commitment or just be after something casual. You say that you are not ready for a relationship, but for someone afraid of commitment, your desire to meet up and keep in regular contact (perfectly reasonable things for a person to want), likely spoke otherwise to him. While he may be an avoidant attachment style you are likely an anxious preoccupied attachment style and so the withdrawal causes you to fear abandonment and become increasingly persistent, causing him to withdraw further. If you have some time, maybe reading about these attachment styles may help you understand why you feel the way you do. Unfortunately I think you are unlikely to get any more answers from this man and I expect he will most likely stop responding. Have you been able to make an appointment with your psychologist? If not, would you consider calling the beyond blue helpline and speaking to someone there?