Hi everyone, this post is for my husband. A bit of background, he suffers from depression, he can have a short fuse and be really mean when in a temper. He can also be loving, thoughtful and happy and fun to be around. He needs a lot of affection all the time, generally our marriage is good, we have been together 10 years and have an 18 month old daughter.

Our problem that keeps happening is when he feels he isnt getting enough affection he becomes deeply resentful and angry very quickly. Though we cuddle and spend time together every night and our sex life is usually satisfactory for both of us, but when he doesnt get the oral sex he "needs" to feel loved he becomes resentful, sulky, angry, withdrawn and has thoughts of wanting to cheat to get his needs met. Most of the time he gets what he needs but he cant at the moment because im sick and its been 2 weeks, in that time he's had other ways to relieve himself (which includes sex) but it isnt good enough. He wont sleep, he literally stays up all night doing random things and keeping himself and me awake (normally he is a very good sleeper). In the past when this has happened i have just had to give in and do what he needs to get my own peace and sleep, no matter my own personal circumstances of not wanting/being able to do it. Even with him understanding my reasons of not being able to give him what he needs right when he wants it his behaviour is still like this. He says he doesnt understand his thoughts himself, but he says he feels unloved and angry towards me because im not giving him enough affection. He knows his behaviour is unfair and knows I shouldnt have to give oral sex right when he wants it but he cant get past his feelings of anger and resentment. It then creates my own anger because I feel like I have no choice but to do what he wants, when he wants and then its the last thing i feel like doing and especially at a time when Im not feeling my best. I have a chest infection so cant breath properly and cough all the time, its just not possible to give him what he needs, and nothing else is good enough, not even sex because that in itself is a source of stress for him because he then has pressure to satisfy me. My question is has anybody experienced feelings like this? does anyone have any suggestions how he could overcome/control them better, or even just to understand whats going on with him? 

Hi Ali

Guys are strange when it comes to sexual needs - and we’re not all wired the same obviously, but some guys might feel their ‘manliness’ is a reflection of their sex life. However I think there needs to be a distinction between affection and sex. One can show affection without engaging in sex - especially oral sex. So the link between viewing affection and oral sex he “needs” to make him feel ‘loved’ could end up being a destructive link.

If your feeling unwell and have breathing problems and he threatens to cheat on his wife of 10 years if you don’t perform oral sex on him I think there might be an underlying problem, such as a hormonal imbalance. Since as he has asserted himself, it’s not a logical way of thinking, and its certainly not a healthy way to show affection and caring toward the person who he says he loves and cares for.

Unfortunately the problem will probably get worse when the oral sex isn’t enough to make him feel ‘loved’ as it sounds like he has anger issues as well, and you both don’t want to get into the situation where the sex is forceful or coerced as a way to prove or show love. As it’s not a healthy way of showing affection in a marriage, especially with a child in the house.

The restless and sleepless nights might also indicate an underlying issue - that’s causing his unreasonable sexual urges. Its not a reflection on his manliness but more a reflection of the love for his wife if he would visit a GP. It sounds cliché but they might be able to find an underlying - perhaps temporary - hormonal imbalance. Over active testosterone comes to mind, or if he has recently started or stopped taking supplements of some kind, or changes in lifestyle, all might be an underlying cause of these urges and sleepless nights.

It's a little problematic trying to think back when the change in behavior started, but that might be a way of finding a potential underlying cause of his thoughts and behavior. On a brighter note it's good that he realises his thoughts and behavior are unfair, that at least is the start to a positive change.

Kind regards
Mike

dear Ali, hello and great to hear from you.

Personally if I was in your exact position, there is no way I could cope with your husbands demands, especially being sick and with a new baby and if I ever did this to my wife (ex) I know where I would be and sleeping in another room.

He only seems to be interested in himself and doesn't consider how you or the baby are doing and how he can help, because all he wants is sex, and I do realise how men feel, but there has to be a compromise and a limit on how to satisfy his only needs, it doesn't sound to be realistic for a man to demand his needs before looking after a wife and a baby.

I think that Mike has a point about his testosterone levels, which could be controlled by medication, but the big problem here is that will he want to take the medication, and if however he does that his anger doesn't increase or escalate.

Any thoughts of him getting his sexual pleasures else where, is not reasonable at all, and if however he does then problems will rise, and just because the wife/husband doesn't want to have sex then there is a problem which will need to be sorted out, but if you're sick and trying to look after a baby, then there isn't any problem but just their own needs wanting to be satisfied before anything else.

There are places for sex therapy but I'm not sure he will want to go, so I think your in a catch-22 situation, and happy to explain this. L Geoff. x

Hi Ali,

 In some ways I can understand how your husband feels, but on the flip side of the coin what he is doing is in alot of ways wrong. You seem to be a very patient and understanding wife and from what you wrote he is lucky to have you.

 My wife is the third serious relationship i've been in, 4yrs, previously I had 7 1/2yr and 5yr relationships. In each of those relationships before they ended sex and affection dried up. My head now links the sex and affection to the health of the relationship and if my wife an I are not intimate then I begin to think she isnt attracted or interested anymore. Whilst dry spells get me more down I have never expected sex just to perk me up, being married to someone doesnt give a person the right to demand or coerce their partner into sex.

 I agree with the comments above that affection isnt just sex, and that your husband does only seem concerned with his own needs and not yours. I take it you have tried to talk to him about this? Is he seeking treatment for his depression.

 I wish I had an answer for you but your situation is tricky. 

Im not sure but sounds like he has got a porn addiction. maybe he just has some friends that brag about how good there getting it I dont know.

I do admit that sex for guys with there partner helps them feel connected to your partner but demanding oral sex because they obviously got themselves overaroused and not thinking clearly is NOT RIGHT. I admit when I am over-aroused Im pretty frustrated and my thinking is pretty irrational and crazy but I know my boundaries and when Im pushing too far.

hopefully just making him aware of there actions is enough to get them to pull there head in.  but it sounds pretty much to me lack of satisfaction in intercourse is making him fustrated maybe symptoms of pornography or could be stress etc

anyway hope you get something out of my rant

Thank you for all the replies.. I have been talking to my husband about this and he has read all the replies, we have a very open and honest relationship and have worked out some things to prevent this happening again (it doesn't happen very often as it is, but still is something that shouldn't happen at all). He knew he shouldn't have been feeling the way he did and wasn't exactly demanding anything, he just wanted it and got all worked up about not getting it and then gets all caught up in his own thoughts and issues (yes he can be selfish!). His problem I think is more state of mind and insecurity rather than an actual sexual addiction, he doesn't watch porn and most of the time we are in a happy, healthy sexual relationship. He does get very easily stressed and that is something he is forever battling with. We found some good info on ways for stress relief and to help if he does have a hormone imbalance with simple lifestyle changes like diet and exercise. 

Hi Ali,

Im glad you and your husband were able to talk about it and im glad he was able to read our replies aswell.

All of us guys have needs and your husbands depression can compound he problem. For me physical intimacy with my wife makes me feel better. When we go through dry spells, ie she is tired with the bub or sick as you have been, i get a bit more down and my depression makes me think about things that arent really a problem, such as is she still interested in me, or do i still do it for her.

Masturbation and sex helps relieve depression, it gets hormones like endorphin running through the body. From what you have described the oral sex for your husband is sort of like a medication and makes him feel better and when he misses a dose he gets withdrawals. Now that it is out in the open and it is being discussed hopefully you can both find a solution to the problem.

Best of luck.