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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Hi i am new and just got out of mental abuse relationship

Topic: Hi i am new and just got out of mental abuse relationship

11 posts, 0 answered
  1. Baffi
    Baffi avatar
    7 posts
    4 July 2021

    Hello everybody :) I feel very lucky to have found this forum. Hopefully i can get some advice here and help some members too.
    About me, 50 years, 2 kids, single mum, healthcare professional.

    I met 1 1/2 years ago, which i thought at that time, a lovely foreign guy, who is younger than me. We fell in love, he was the most caring and sweetest soul. Until the 1st lie showed up. He was actually married, according to him, marriage was broken down and he had a small child.

    He was just waiting for his papers in agreement with his wife and to get in the future divorced.

    Slowly he became more controlling “where have you been?” and asking for screenshots when i was going out. Which kind of annoyed me, but idiot me, thought no harm done in sending them.

    Then everything became worse and worse. He would literally make up stories about me in his mind. He got jealous about Gardeners, ex husband, coles click and collect guy and my workmate, lets’s call him Aaron. Aaron is in a relationship and i am not attracted to him at all. But he would not stop. In between he would say sorry and being sweet again. And i would fall over and over in his trap, believing that finally he understood that i am loyal to him and that i love only him.

    We would spend the weekend together, all perfect. After that, silent treatment. Which confused me. In 1/2 years i have heard it all. From name calling, over suspicious brusing on my body. We would fight, break up and be together again.

    This story went on and on. I started to cry at work, he would constantly ring me at work , video calls! He would never stop. He was paranoid on my bday about Aaron so he didnt come. He said sorry later and brought gifts. I was so hurt. Still am. Who does that?! He also had claimed that he had put cameras in my house. He would sms that he is watching the footage and i had a guy in the house, and go mental at me. I would go more mental because i knew he lied because noone was in my house.

    We had a bad fight recently i drove to meet him, we talked and all was good. Just to receive later a message, something like “ thank you for all, i will never meet you again. I replied the same and added that i would rather be dead than going through this nonsense on a daily basis.

    I feel just so broken. I almost had a mental break down at work, i am still crying a lot. I feel so broken beyond repair. I wonder how i could give him my heart and he had nothing else in the mind to destroy me and to do a character assassination.

  2. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5942 posts
    4 July 2021 in reply to Baffi
    Hi Baffi,

    Welcome to the forums and thank you for sharing your story with us here. It takes a lot of courage to reach out for support, you also never know who will read this post and feel less alone in their own experiences. 

    We are sorry to hear about your relationship and how you feel so hurt and broken. We understand that this must be very overwhelming for you. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

    If you would like to talk to someone about this, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

    We also strongly urge that in overwhelming moments you get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

    Thank you again for being brave and for sharing here today and please remember that you are not alone, there is always support available to you.
    1 person found this helpful
  3. Katyonthehamsterwheel
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    Katyonthehamsterwheel avatar
    1568 posts
    4 July 2021 in reply to Baffi

    Hi Baffi

    Welcome to the forums, I’m glad you found us and have shared your story. I’m really sorry this happened to you, and I’m sorry you’re hurting. I can fully relate having experienced a similar relationship situation. It’s confusing and perhaps like me, you might wonder why someone would treat you like that, and why you would put up with it. So many questions, right? But I think with certain people there’s just nothing you could do or have done to make it work. These people just need to work on themselves as there’s something not right, and it’s not you, and not me.

    That said it hurts nonetheless and I hope you can practice some compassion for yourself and self care, and bring the focus back to you. You deserve to be loved and nurtured, like anyone else, and you didn’t deserve this.

    Talking helps so if there’s anything else you want to share, we are here to listen!

    1800respect are also great to talk to. My kind thoughts, Katy

    2 people found this helpful
  4. Baffi
    Baffi avatar
    7 posts
    4 July 2021 in reply to Sophie_M

    Thank you for your reply and supportive and helpful information. It’s good to know there is help available. :)

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Baffi
    Baffi avatar
    7 posts
    4 July 2021 in reply to Katyonthehamsterwheel

    Hi Katyonthehamsterwheel,

    thnx a lot for your reply. Why i put up with this? I am actualky asking myself the same question. I think it’s almost like i got tricked into the relationship. There was so much kindness and love at the start.

    He was extremly manipulative and at the end, i was like a fly trapped in the spidernet. He made me question my own sanity and would try to brainwash me. But the best is, everything i told him he is ( bully, master manipulator, gaslighting me, liar ) he would just twist it and say i am all this. Not him. He would cause drama over drama and call me “ Drama Queen”. Or Attention seeker. While he needed reassurance 24/7. He had no convidence in himself and was very insecure, which was strange because he is very attractive. But he had literally no soul. Only a sick person would do what he did to me. So i just have to come to terms with, that i was the one, who stayed with him for so long.

    1 person found this helpful
  6. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9215 posts
    4 July 2021 in reply to Baffi

    Hi, welcome

    You have tolerated abuse and now it's intolerable.

    I'm 65yo and married 10 years to a princess. My first marriage lasted 11 years and I was abused with silence used as a weapon. But she would blame me for her abuse on me??.

    But I won't go into detail but to say it seems clear to me he's gaslighting you and being controlling. I'm sorry but you are better off cutting your losses and looking for a man that, like me, treats his lady with respect and care.

    TonyWK

    2 people found this helpful
  7. Baffi
    Baffi avatar
    7 posts
    4 July 2021 in reply to white knight
    Hi whiteknight, thank you for your message. I am happy that you found your princess and treating her well. Yes, i know he mentally abused me in all sorts of ways and was controlling too, which he completely denied. Not that i expected it any other way because nothing was ever his fault ( “ you made me do this”). I told him several times i can’t help you because you have the problem and not me, not realising that he would make sure it will be my problem too. Anyway, just trying to survive atm. I try not to think to much. I just wish i had never met him.
    1 person found this helpful
  8. MissPink13
    MissPink13 avatar
    8 posts
    5 July 2021

    Hi Baffi,

    I came to find your post after you commented on mine!

    I wish I could help in any which way! From your responses so far it seems you are coping the best you can! It’s a hard road, it feels like it will never end!

    I just want to reach out and reassure you, it’s not you, you know this!
    Please continue to be mindful, you are amazing and that is why he is the way he is towards you. He is scared to lose such a person that he has to manipulate and gaslight you to the extent you are “crazy”!
    Attempting to confuse you because he knows you love him so much and will go to the lengths to prove it. He is actually unworthy and he knows it!
    My psychologist told me, once you start questioning yourself they have won. In my situation, I know better now! I know who I was before this man and I know who I will continue to be after this man and as I said myself, if I am “such a horrible person” why would you waste your time? Once I stopped defending myself and started pulling back including no contact, I heard more on his self reflection but also in saying this, nothing is going to change.

    As I have stepped out of the relationship and expressed myself to close relatives and friends, people have noted my changes towards life and myself in general. I was so incredibly happy and carefree, to being on a constant time limit, not seeing friends without this person at my hip. Other mums couldn’t understand why I couldn’t leave baby with Dad to go have an innocent coffee. Now they are aware of what has been happening, they have offered me reassurance that I’m not a bad person.

    Just to add this man has expressed numerous times, even my Dad doesn’t really know the real me. Ludicrous!

    Now I am enjoying my life truly for what it is and who I am, I am confident this will happen to anyone else he has a relationship with. I’m happy and content being on my own as the “horrible person” I am.

    Regarding the cameras etc, I too was a little mindful after some comments. I stopped caring. I knew better. I stopped defending myself. He was crazy, or guilty himself or both. I stopped doubting myself. Nobody was ever here!

    Love and life is so precious and rewarding. We have learnt a lesson to establish boundaries and know our own worth above all. Remember this man chose to manipulate you because you are a gem to him.

    Always take that away from your horrible experience.

    You’re amazing and deserve the world ❤️

    1 person found this helpful
  9. Baffi
    Baffi avatar
    7 posts
    5 July 2021 in reply to MissPink13
    Dear MissPink13!


    Thank you so much for your kind words. It is so good to hear from someone with a similiar experience.


    It’s difficult for other people to understand what we going through, because they keep on wondering, why we put up with all this, and didn’t leave in the first place.


    My ex was talking behind my back with numerous workmates. He demanded phone numbers from workmates and Management. My refusal made me guilty of hiding something. He said things, which were literally completely crazy and insane and i had asked him multiple times if he actually believes his own nonsene. Sometimes i was able to ignore his accusations and said that he can talk to me, when he is back to normal. But the problem is, how can you expect someone to behave normal, who is not normal?!


    I am so happy for you, that you found your peace. That you sought help and got the support of family and friends. And that you were strong enough to finally stand up against his nastyness. All that matters is you and your child.


    I am still working on my recovery. Today is day 4 without a word from him, but i am suspicious, because he never gives up easily. I had at one stage 150 missed calls on my landline (number is changed now). He said he want peace of mind, because I am driving him nuts. I will shoot him to the moon now. No more mr. nasty.


    Thank you again for your support, you are a very strong, kind, loving and caring mum. This is what makes you special. And i guess we both deserve to be loved for who we are, without accusations and any nonsense and pain.


    Send you lots of hugs, stay strong ❤️🤗
  10. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5942 posts
    5 July 2021 in reply to Baffi
    Hello bafffi, MissPink13 and everyone, 

    We are so glad that you have been able to come and discuss these complex issues here on the forums and share your experiences. It sounds like there are some incredibly difficult relationships and traumatising events being talked about - thank you all for being brave. We just wanted to drop in and share a few resources below and to say that we are here for you. You don't have to handle these situations on your own, we are here if you need us. 

    It is never ok for a partner to control you or put you through an abusive relationship. Thank you for being here and sharing your stories, you never know who else might read this and feel less alone in their circumstances. 

    If you want to talk to someone you can always call us on 1300 22 4636, anytime at all. 

    You can also call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), they are experts in relationsihp advice and domestic violence support. Please give them a call if you feel you need extra help and advice or if you feel your partner is a danger to you. 

    If you ever feel unsafe, this is an emergenecy and you should call 000 straight away. Your safety is most important. 

    Thank you again for being a part of the community, we hope you can continue to support each other and the other members of the forum. 

    Kind regards ,
    Sophie M
    1 person found this helpful
  11. Baffi
    Baffi avatar
    7 posts
    5 July 2021 in reply to Sophie_M

    Hi Sophie_M,

    thank you for your support and all the information. I will keep that in mind, if i feel down again. It already helps a lot to talk here about it and get support and information, especially since I am myself originally from Europe and miss my family and friends still a lot, even that i live here for quite a long time. Thus forum makes me feel less lonely, thank you so much for that❤️

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