I have such a good support base, but unfortunately my head is all over the place.
She read my letter, in kind, she sent me a message last night. She stated that she knew I would need clarification and wants me to try so hard to understand she needs to help herself. She's fallen back into that dark hole and needs to get out. She didn't want us to become resentful toward each other, when she's in this mainframe she finds it hard to care for others. To feel anything, she's feels numb. She doesn't want that to negatively impact on 'our' state of minds. She's hard on herself, she doubts herself and at the moment hates herself. All she can think about is how much she projects that hate onto others. She wants to learn to love herself and be kind to herself. If she's not her own priority now then she never will be. I mean a great deal to her, she doesn't want to think differently. I have been someone she's needed. The depths of her depression are hard to talk about, even harder when she's trying to explain things over and over again, it feels like she's reliving everything. There are some things she can never open up about.
She's really disappointed in herself that she has let her mental state take control and thats she's hurt me in the process of trying to get back on track. This was never her intention. She cannot give and part of herself to someone if she can't even give it to herself. She hopes she can learn to cope. She doesn't want to cut ties, doesn't want us to be strangers and doesn't want to resent or feel awkward. She just needs to help herself for a while.
She wants to give herself time and credit, some learning and try to love herself again and she feels right now she needs to do that without the pressure of worrying about someone else.
I said ill always be here, message, call, drop by, whatever you want, ill never be a pressure. You can always refer to my letter if it helps. She replied, 'Thanks, I plan on keeping it handy'.
Its just so hard for me because all my energy was in this relationship and now she wants to be apart I'm afraid and scared that we will never share what we once had, ever again. I know if were meant to be, then that will happen, but what if things change and she meets someone else in her healing process? I'd be worse than i am now. These are the things going through my mind. Its sending me crazy. I want to be healthy, so I can support her when she needs it. Theres no point both of us stuck in the dark hole.