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Forums / Relationship and family issues / How do I help my partner and myself?

Topic: How do I help my partner and myself?

  1. Sophie_M
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    6824 posts
    29 May 2016 in reply to CattleMan88
    Hi CattleMan88, supporting someone with depression can be difficult and it is important that you look after your own mental health as well. It sounds like you have been having a rough time lately and seeking support is a great step. If you are feeling lonely or need to talk, please call Beyond Blue's Support Service on: 1300 22 4636. You can also find some good resources about self care on the website: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/supporting-someone/looking-after-yourself
  2. blondguy
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    29 May 2016 in reply to CattleMan88

    Hi CM

    Never having the answers can hurt...I can see you are in pain....Time off work and not eating isnt a good place to be especially with being 'isolated' so to speak.

    I heard a heart surgeon talking about how evil the smokes are....but interestingly enough he also said that quitting during a separation is something he would never recommend.

    I smoke CM but just for me...I couldnt take the meds to stop smoking going through what you are. We can only do so much at the one time...We are only human..and fallible..

    Please take good care of you

    Paul

  3. geoff
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    30 May 2016 in reply to CattleMan88
    hi CM, when someone is depressed there can be times when they are with other people that they can laugh, joke and have fun, but as soon as these friends go home then that they suddenly falls back into the black hole, so your partner maybe at a horse show and that could be her escape, but it's only temporary, as soon as she leaves this show then she too will fall back into her black hole.
    You can't possibily be happy all the time, even if she does go to a horse show, as it's no different than someone putting on a pretend happy face, it becomes too exhausting and finally they give up trying to be happy.
    If you feel as though smoking may help you then do it, not that's it's healthy but at the moment health may not be your priority. (I sorry for those who want to give up, but it can be tackled once again when you are feeling better. ) Geoff.
  4. pipsy
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    2255 posts
    30 May 2016 in reply to CattleMan88

    Hi CattleMan. This situation with your gf is not your making. This is something she's been trying to deal with for some time on her own. Everything she is doing is right for her, now. If you are trying to quit smoking, you are doing this for you. As for your meds, I would discuss with your Dr if you're unsure about taking it. Were helpline able to reassure you in any way? Perhaps this would be a good time to contact BB's helpline. We have people who are willing to listen, guide, support. When people suffer depression, if they can mentally walk away for respite, anything they do for this is as good as any counselling. I presume she is undergoing counselling, perhaps her counsellor suggested she go to the horse show for a 'breather'. None of this means her feelings for you have changed/altered at all. We all need to 'step back' to smell the roses etc. Her way is through her horse. shows. I'm sure when she's ready, she will contact you and arrange to meet/talk. Did you write to let her know you're there when she's ready?

    Lynda.

  5. CattleMan88
    CattleMan88 avatar
    22 posts
    30 May 2016

    I have such a good support base, but unfortunately my head is all over the place.

    She read my letter, in kind, she sent me a message last night. She stated that she knew I would need clarification and wants me to try so hard to understand she needs to help herself. She's fallen back into that dark hole and needs to get out. She didn't want us to become resentful toward each other, when she's in this mainframe she finds it hard to care for others. To feel anything, she's feels numb. She doesn't want that to negatively impact on 'our' state of minds. She's hard on herself, she doubts herself and at the moment hates herself. All she can think about is how much she projects that hate onto others. She wants to learn to love herself and be kind to herself. If she's not her own priority now then she never will be. I mean a great deal to her, she doesn't want to think differently. I have been someone she's needed. The depths of her depression are hard to talk about, even harder when she's trying to explain things over and over again, it feels like she's reliving everything. There are some things she can never open up about.

    She's really disappointed in herself that she has let her mental state take control and thats she's hurt me in the process of trying to get back on track. This was never her intention. She cannot give and part of herself to someone if she can't even give it to herself. She hopes she can learn to cope. She doesn't want to cut ties, doesn't want us to be strangers and doesn't want to resent or feel awkward. She just needs to help herself for a while.

    She wants to give herself time and credit, some learning and try to love herself again and she feels right now she needs to do that without the pressure of worrying about someone else.

    I said ill always be here, message, call, drop by, whatever you want, ill never be a pressure. You can always refer to my letter if it helps. She replied, 'Thanks, I plan on keeping it handy'.

    Its just so hard for me because all my energy was in this relationship and now she wants to be apart I'm afraid and scared that we will never share what we once had, ever again. I know if were meant to be, then that will happen, but what if things change and she meets someone else in her healing process? I'd be worse than i am now. These are the things going through my mind. Its sending me crazy. I want to be healthy, so I can support her when she needs it. Theres no point both of us stuck in the dark hole.

  6. pipsy
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    2255 posts
    30 May 2016 in reply to CattleMan88

    Hi CattleMan. I understand your frustration, but your gf is in a place that is hard to get out of. With depression, to try to simplify the healing process, if you're not sure how it often works with the sufferer. Sometimes it can feel like a huge dark cloud that won't lift. It can also be like being down the bottom of a dark well where there doesn't seem to be a ladder to climb. To get the cloud to lift, the sufferer needs someone to help her get the strength necessary. If her/his partner can assist, so much the better. Often, no matter how much our loved ones want to, because we don't know how to, we can't. Being down the dark well is a similar feeling. Once we find the ladder, we still need encouragement for every rung. It's wonderful she acknowledged your letter, she now knows you're there. Knowing this, will help encourage her to start the healing. As she starts healing, her numbness will lift, it's a type of protective shield to stop her from being too hurt much during her recovery.

    Try to remember, depression is an illness, like any other. It takes time for healing. Hope this helps.

    Lynda

  7. blondguy
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    30 May 2016 in reply to pipsy

    Hi CM

    I know you are doing it tough and you also know I have been there before...I am relieved that you had a response too....You have tried so very hard CM. Lynda has always had an innate sense of wisdom that I dont. I do hope you can really read her advice...its gold.

    If I can 'borrow' something you posted....if thats okay CM;

    "She's really disappointed in herself that she has let her mental state
    take control and thats she's hurt me in the process of trying to get
    back on track. This was never her intention"

    This is only what works for me especially as an ex boss that didnt know what depression was....

    Depression is a serious Illness

    just like diabetes or heart disease

    Expecting positive thinking to cure depression is like expecting a person with diabetes to lower their blood sugar level by thinking happy thoughts

    I think its great you had a response CM....Thats a huge bonus right now....

    Please take good care

    Paul


  8. CattleMan88
    CattleMan88 avatar
    22 posts
    30 May 2016 in reply to blondguy

    Lynda and Paul you are both right. Yes, it is an illness. I've leaned so much in a short period of time dealing with this. I am glad she responded to me, stepping back is extremely hard, but if it means I have to in order to help her, then I will. Adjusting to this and learning isn't easy, didn't expect it to be. I understand her fully, even though I want to be at her side helping her with this, stepping away in her mind will do the same.

    The anxiety I have right now is whats keeping me on edge, constantly thinking what if. Thinking what could have been, what could I have done differently etc. I know its not my fault about any of this, and its not her fault either. I feel so sad and upset to see her having to deal with this. It breaks my heart to see her unhappy, this illness has gotten the better of her state of mind and she's fragile. Small talk helps i suppose because she was really happy to actually read my letter, after a disappointing weekend. I can see the impact its having, not only because she's left me, but because her horses are her life and for her to tell me the this has affected that side of it, thats very upsetting.

    I will check in so often, just so she knows and can hopefully feel good that I'm 100% serious. I want to message her the morning of her appointment and tell her I'm proud of her for doing it and the support is here and hopefully afterwards I may get some feedback.

    Everyone on here has helped me so much, this is something new to me, but it was something I had to do. I think ill always be connected to everyone here now. Ive still got a long and tough road ahead and when I'm not feeling well, or if I have good updates, you know you will hear from me.

    Thankyou all.

  9. blondguy
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    30 May 2016 in reply to CattleMan88

    Hi CM

    Thankyou for writing back and your nice compliments too!

    I just read your post " I feel so sad and upset to see her having to deal with this. It breaks
    my heart to see her unhappy, this illness has gotten the better of her
    state of mind and she's fragile"

    You would be upset and are entitled to be so too. You are in love and good on you for speaking from your heart!

    Your pain is real...and I know you miss your partner more than words can describe...

    I know you dont feel strong right now....but you have a lot more guts than I do....I have only been on the forums since Jan this year....and I still miss my ex...

    I hear you

    Paul

  10. geoff
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    31 May 2016 in reply to CattleMan88
    hi CM, I'm pleased that there was a connection which is what you were hoping for, and really because of this it maybe a slow way for you to know that she has recognised you will be there for her, and to message her after her appointment is to crystalise your love.
    Can I just mention that there could be times when she doesn't acknowledge your text, and as I've kept on saying it doesn't mean she doesn't love you, it could one of her bad days where I know you would love to be there with her, but perhaps she just wants to be alone, please don't take any offence with her by doing this.
    All of this I hope has made you understand what depression will do to somebody. Geoff.
  11. topsy_
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    1 June 2016 in reply to geoff

    Hello CM

    I don't know if this is a good idea or not. Or if you are in a position to do it.

    Could you think about just doing nice things for her ie sending her flowers or chocolates? Maybe some tickets to a movie or a play? Just nice little things that might cheer her up & remind her of you.

    I wouldn't expect a response though. Maybe you could write "thinking of you today", "to cheer you", or "I'm proud of you".

    Then I would do something for yourself each weekend. Did you have activities before you met your girlfriend? Can you go away for a weekend with a mate? The reason I suggest this is partly so you can have some fun but also so that if/when your relationship restarts you will bring a "whole" you back to your g/f.

    The greatest gift you can give your g/f atm is to live a fulfilling life for yourself. She doesn't like herself but she'll will feel even more guilt if she thinks she has ruined your life too.

    If you need to see your GP then do so, & what ever else you may need to do. I hope the ideas above may help.

    Take care & be gentle with yourself, Lyn.

  12. CattleMan88
    CattleMan88 avatar
    22 posts
    2 June 2016

    Here I am today, still in shock about what has happened. Why has the girl that said she loved me and was so happy at everything she did and everything we did together, left me? I have so many questions I will never have answers for. I feel sick, miserable and heartbroken. I have nothing left for me, as I’ve put all of me into her. I’m now here at home, all alone with no one to talk, or roll over and hug.I turn the TV off, to turn it back on. Staring at the blades on the fan as it spins around and counting every crack. Talking to myself, anything to make a sound.I told her I wouldn’t call, I told her I would give her space but I’m climbing walls that get me nowhere. I don’t think I can take this bed getting any colder. Just come over.We don’t have to miss each other, we don’t have to fix each other, we don’t have to say forever, come over.

    My mind feels like a maze, constantly thinking about her, thinking about the little things. How she didn’t like her feet being touched, how she always wanted her nails to be perfect. Why is this happening to me? Why can’t she let me be there for her on this journey? I don’t want the whole world, then sun, the moon, I just want her to be my girl.I’ve gotten rid of my demons, I’ve got a few bad habits left, but there’s still one or two I might need her to help me get. Put some faith in me and someday you’ll see, we can look back and feel so proud of each other. I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow, the road your on leads you to where you want to go. If your faced with a choice, I hope you choose the one that means the most to you. If a door opens and the next closes I hope you keep walking until you find the window. My wish for you is I hope your life becomes all that you want it to be, I hope your dreams stay big and your worries small. You never need to carry more than you can hold. I hope you know somebody loves you and wants the same things too. I hope you never look back and never forget all the ones who love you and where you’ve left. Always forgive and never regret. I wish I could be there with you, I wish you could have had enough comfort in me to rely and depend on at the time when you need it most. Your always in my thoughts and I dream that one day we will meet again.

    This is what I wrote down today. Not feeling good.

  13. pipsy
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    2255 posts
    2 June 2016 in reply to CattleMan88

    Hi C.M. I would look at today as a set-back. It's obviously been a day when not much has been happening in your world. When we experience days like this, everything seems 100% worse than ever. During recovery, there's going to be times when your gf will have some major set-backs too. Try to accept you're recovering too, you were with someone you adored, she's had to get some help in order to function as a gf should. Maybe seeing a counsellor/therapist would help you at this time. Do you have a Dr you feel comfortable with. If you do, now might be a good time to ask him for help, either short term AD's which would help control the depression you're suffering. You're in recovery so you need to talk to someone who could help you with the grieving process you're experiencing. Grieving doesn't always mean losing someone to death, it also means losing someone through a relationship break-up. I think your break-up is temporary, however, your gf is in recovery and needs to deal with that. Getting some counselling to help you with your grief would be beneficial.

    Lynda.

  14. CattleMan88
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    22 posts
    6 June 2016 in reply to pipsy

    Hi Lynda, I have talked to me GP about it and he believes I'm suffering anxiety. I am going back this week to see him and am going to get him to refer me to a psychologist so I can have a talk etc.

    Yesterday I picked all of my belongings up from my ex partners house at her request. Things are still the same, I talked with her for around 30min and I didn't want to bombard her with questions. All I said was, I really wish she discussed her decision with me had she been feeling that way etc. She wants to keep ties and possibly meet up sometime. She doesn't know what the future holds, but is taking it day by day. She had her appointment today with her doctor, haven't heard anything about that yet. I've just said hope your appointment was good and proud your taking action.

    I still feel lost and empty and today particularly I felt so lonely.

  15. blondguy
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    7 June 2016 in reply to CattleMan88

    Hi CM

    I just read your recent posts..I can feel your pain..big time. The lonliness is crushing but as Lynda wrote having a counselor now would be excellent.

    I liked what you said "She wants to keep ties and possibly meet up sometime"

    My best

    Paul

  16. pipsy
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    2255 posts
    7 June 2016 in reply to CattleMan88

    Hi C.M Picking up your things must have been like a bomb shell hitting, make you feel as though there is no hope. Perhaps for now, getting some counselling and looking after yourself is the best thing. I understand that empty, hollow feeling you're experiencing, anxiety/grief brings all those feelings to the centre of your heart. I know it would've been better if your gf had discussed her feelings, but till she knew where she was emotionally, she couldn't tell you. Sometimes when we are on these emotional roller coasters, it's hard to find the right words to explain it to someone else. If she had tried to tell you, she might have said the wrong thing by mistake, rather than say something wrong, best not to say anything.

    Lynda

  17. lost_husband_2016
    lost_husband_2016 avatar
    6 posts
    7 June 2016 in reply to pipsy

    Hi Cm,

    have just read all of your story, all i can say and i know it is of little comfort, is that you are not alone and similar things happen to all sorts of people, try not to beat yourself up and let yourself get into a pit as well. Cry, be lost, be confused, drink too much well maybe not at first, actually not at first, save that for when you are in a bit of a better head space, but don't beat yourself up. Reach out to your friends, reach out to your family. When you do you'll be surprised who and how they are there for you.

    Its horrible I know, i'm there as well. You think your doing the right thing, but sometimes you are just going to get pushed away no matter what you do. So don't second guess too much.

  18. blondguy
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    7 June 2016 in reply to lost_husband_2016

    Hi Lost_husband_2016

    (sorry to hijack your thread CM)

    lost_husband_2016 said: similar things happen to all sorts of people, try not to beat yourself
    up and let yourself get into a pit as well. Cry, be lost, be confused,
    drink too much well maybe not at first, actually not at first, save that
    for when you are in a bit of a better head space, but don't beat
    yourself up. Reach out to your friends, reach out to your family. When
    you do you'll be surprised who and how they are there for you.You think your doing the right thing, but sometimes you are just going to get pushed away no matter what you do. So don't second guess too much"


    Thankyou lost...I really feel for Cattleman too. I just thought I would highlight what you wrote. Thankyou for articulating your great advice so well. I have been through the same as cattleman last year..You have also helped me out here a lot as well.

    Thankyou Lost and CM for interrupting your thread ....Paul

  19. CattleMan88
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    22 posts
    8 June 2016 in reply to blondguy

    Lost you are right, I have my friends and family here for me, they always ask how I'm doing. I appreciate them for that and it will probably be a debt I will never be able to repay.

    Paul it's all good, if it helps you too then why not.

    I have accepted that she wants her space, I make hardly any contact but I hope that one day she knows how much I fought for her and how far I went to save the relationship; and she's always come first. I don't want her to hate herself for that, I want her to know that I was willing and capable to be there through it. Im working on myself, I really am. I have friends that have and suffer from this illness as well and they are sharing tips and stories with me. I listen and I care.

    I really am trying my best.

  20. geoff
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    8 June 2016 in reply to CattleMan88
    hi CM, this may seem to be very optimistic for you at the moment and I appreciate that, but having to go through this will make you a stronger person, because we learn something everyday whether it's good or whether it's no so good. Geoff.
  21. pipsy
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    2255 posts
    8 June 2016 in reply to CattleMan88

    Hi C.M Hope you're feeling a bit better now. I'm so sorry for everything that happened. I agree, life sometimes seems to kick you when you're at your lowest. I'm sure your gf knows and appreciates how hard you fought to help her. As Geoff said having experienced this, it hopefully will make you stronger. Try not to think too bad of her, if you can accept she has an illness which has 'taken 'over, it might make it easier to understand. I know, at the moment, your emotions are all over the place, as are hers, but in a different way. Please know we'll always be here.

    Lynda

  22. CattleMan88
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    22 posts
    8 June 2016 in reply to pipsy

    Geoff and Lynda, yes I assume it will make me stronger. I know she's trying to get herself on the right path and I'm dealing with a lot thats been put on me. I will never resent her for this, I'm just upset that it actually came to this. I still haven't had a cigarette and am on a good diet and have plans for the gym. Im doing all I can for me. It all comes back to I wish she let me be there with her.

    I have an appointment tomorrow with my GP so maybe we can talk it out a bit and go from there.

    My thoughts and mind are the cause of a lot of my problems, keep thinking go everything we had and how happy we were and seeing photos etc. I get really down when that happens, I had a very low moment yesterday were I nearly broke down. My love was pure and it's hard for me to realise that it's over.

  23. CattleMan88
    CattleMan88 avatar
    22 posts
    22 June 2016 in reply to CattleMan88

    Well its been nearly 2 weeks and I've been keeping to myself and trying to get back on track with life. Unfortunately tonight I had a breakdown. Knowing that my ex partner is on her road to recovery, that is all. There isn't much or any at all communication. The relationship is finished, I have collected all my belongings and am now back to a single bed. I took a week off work last week as I have had no motivation for anything. I have had barely any sleep for a week and a bit, do to the fact when I'm in bed, I'm waiting for her to roll over and kiss me. That is on repeat every night. Tonight was just a memory flood, of everything we had and how happy we were.

    Friday night was the worst night I've had. I seen things, jumped to conclusions, still don't believe I have but have been told I did. Friday night was that bad that I was prepared to go the furthest you can and at the moment my phone rang and it was a friend checking in on me. This person saved my life.

    Even though I'm in a world of pain, I don't hate her. I'm sorry she can't enjoy what life has to offer. Maybe she doesn't want to, but she knew how much of a commitment I made to get thus far. For all of it to crumble down, same goes for my heart. Depression is a huge factor of what has happened, maybe not entirely the problem, but enough to pretty much push two people apart who loved each other. I wish the world for her, but now its time for me to commence my path to redemption.

    My counsellor believes I am grieving, which yes I do believe, however I do have a lot of underlying thoughts and actions that I haven't brought up. Not eating, no motivation, no sleeping, anger, regret and the list goes on a bit more. I know one day I may or will feel happy again and there is a possibility that I will live like this forever, but this is all a new experience, seeing how depression can affect someone so much they throw away a relationship with someone they were happy with and to most likely one day regret all of it. Im sorry she and other people out there suffer like this, I wish there was more someone like myself could do.

    This is my story and its only just beginning.

  24. geoff
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    22 June 2016 in reply to CattleMan88
    hi CM, it's really nice to hear back from you even though the circumstances are not what you had wished for, and personally know how you are feeling, but for me there was nothing I could have done for my ex to reconsider what she had choosen to do, but now I still have a soft spot for her, but a reunion would never happen.
    You were very lucky that you had a mate ring you at that critical time and maybe it was a case of deja vu, but we have to try and help you get over this even though there will be memories, sad and good, but please talk to your counsellor about PTSD because your love for her will still be there until you are ready to move on.
    Put the radio on at night this will stop your mind from wondering, and now are you strong enough to start talking about those 'underlying thoughts', because these are what are keeping you down, and this is what happens when people try and overcome depression by themselves, because these dark thoughts you won't be able to rationalise by yourself, as your mind will keep going around and around.
    Stay with us CM and let us know how you are feeling. Geoff.
  25. pipsy
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    2255 posts
    22 June 2016 in reply to CattleMan88

    Hi C.M Your counsellor is right about the fact that you're grieving. You had so much love for this girl, who I believe still loves you. The saddest part is, when you lose someone through death, it hurts, but the hurt is a different kind. Knowing you will never see them again, somehow makes the grief process less painful because you know the person who passed is no longer in pain themselves. When the relationship ends through separation, the thought that you may see the person again - possibly with a new partner, makes it more painful. Also with grief the emotions you are experiencing are all part and parcel, anger, hurt, betrayal etc, these are all part of the grief process and have to be worked through slowly. Keep seeing your counsellor, write things down as you remember, hurt because she wouldn't talk to you, guilt because you're angry, you have a right to feel anger. How much you love her, how you wanted to care for her. Above all, be kind to yourself. Allow yourself to cry and feel the emotions. Don't try to deny these emotions, they're important in order to heal and eventually, let go. As Geoff said keep your radio on, watch t.v. Try to keep your mind active. Punch the pillow when the anger overpowers you, the pillow won't fight back, nor feel the anger and pain.

    Lynda

  26. CattleMan88
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    22 posts
    5 July 2016 in reply to pipsy

    Geoff and Lynda you are both correct. Ive been dealing with this everyday since it all happened. Now nearly 2 months later, not a day goes by where I don't stop thinking and remembering. I miss all the moments we shared, all the memories we had and thats what kills me the most. I get that everyone has their own life and need to travel down different paths and I'm sad that she couldn't do that with me. Writing this down helps me but there are days when i can't even do that. I can honestly say though that I know I put in as much effort and time well wasted into her to build what we had. Im sorry I couldn't provide anymore then I could, I gave everything I had to offer.

    Really it comes down to how much I miss her, the pain I feel, emotions I go through, it is hard but I know she would want me to be strong, because thats whats I would want for her. She was the best thing that ever happened to me and Ill always be thankful for that.

  27. blondguy
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    5 July 2016 in reply to CattleMan88

    Hey CM

    I was about to pack up and noticed your post. We have spoken a few times and I respect and understand what you are going through. Your partner was everything to you and everywhere you look you see her.

    I still know the feeling. It sucks. I wont mention that time will heal this as you know that anyway.

    Have you heard how she is going?

    you are not alone here CM.....I am really sorry for the heartache you are going through. It sounds like you have done everything (more than) you could have possibly do to keep everything together.

    I know its not much consolation but we are still here for you CM....I hope you can have some rest and peace soon

    Paul

  28. geoff
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    5 July 2016 in reply to CattleMan88
    hi CM, it's been a few days since we have heard from you, and when people say 'no news is good news' is not how I take it to be and don't agree with that saying.
    The good times you both had will be with you for ever or for how long you want them to be, for me I still have some with my ex, but people tell me to 'get over it', but that's up to me whether I do or don't, but if I do get hold of these past dreams I have to realise that they are now past, they can't be brought back again, and like you, at first it upset me, but now realise that we couldn't live together anymore, even though she was my first love in life.
    It's always hard for you to let go, times you remember and want back but that's not what she wants, but that doesn't mean that you have to forget the good times, because that's how you want to remember with the knowledge that it won't happen again. Geoff.
  29. CattleMan88
    CattleMan88 avatar
    22 posts
    5 July 2016 in reply to geoff
    Today is a grim day. I sent her a letter after thinking about it for a while and this afternoon received a text from her telling me to never contact her again. She has said that I make her resent me, I make her feel horrible. She wishes I could see her pain. She's said that I destroy her. My letter was based on me telling her that I am here no matter what she needs to do or whatever path she needs to take. I haven't spoken to her in a week and now its all gone. Honestly, I feel the worst I have ever felt. If it wasn't for me talking here or to a friend I wouldn't be doing neither. I can't hold anymore pain. I thought I was doing the right thing as this is hard enough for me already. Now she's cut all ties, blocked me in every aspect. She has read my letter wrong and I shouldn't have sent it. Now I am going to have to live with all of this on my shoulders knowing I have destroyed everything.

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