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Forums / Relationship and family issues / How long should I wait or should I even...

Topic: How long should I wait or should I even...

5 posts, 0 answered
  1. LCS
    LCS avatar
    6 posts
    18 September 2021

    I met a lady back in May this year who I absolutely adore and fell in love with a few years after the breakdown of my marriage.

    I swore when my marriage broke up never again would I give my heart to another, but I did. I told her of a mistake I made in my past which was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do because its sh*t, doesn't represent me or my values, but if I don't tell and someone finds out then its just going to be even worse.

    Things were great. She's 51, I am 50. I was the first person who ever gave her a rose. I never raised a finger which she liked because she'd been beaten by an ex and also by the boyfriend before me. We went camping, hiking, cooked together, hung out, had picnics. Even our love life was great but she thought I had issues because i couldn't get there about 1/2 the time that she blamed on stuff that wasn't true.

    For the next 5 months we broke up and got back together again and it was either because she was afraid that her adult children would abandon her if they found out because they wouldn't understand like she did. The other time had to do with a seed planted in her head that her narcissistic ex would end up coming back into her life even though she didn't want him. We spoke about supporting each other, getting married and building a house together. Everything seemed just perfect aside my my increasing anxiety that each time we got back together when would we break up again. It has now ended after she went to a volunteer fire training and decided that if anyone ever found out we could never live a normal life due to ex bikies, cops, etc volunteering there. She'd been away 3 weeks and I bought her an expensive day spa package that she never went to despite knowing about and I lost my money. I didn't want anything other than her to enjoy it as I knew how tough it had been in her first FIFO role.

    I miss her soo much and on the one hand I want to try and find someone on Tinder again (even though its a minefield of scammers and idiots its where I met this lovely lady) and on the other hand I feel like I am cheating and that if she sees me there it will send a message to her that I don't care about her even though I do.

    Just soo confused as to if I should start looking or just remain lonely. Maybe my mistake in the past means I don't deserve anyone. I am now on anti-depressants for the first time in my life and a lots to do with this break-up.

    How long should I wait or should I even bother?

    Truly heartbroken..

  2. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9163 posts
    18 September 2021 in reply to LCS

    Hi,

    You seem like a loyal person. Loyalty when you aren't actually together with someone is a rare thing. When actions or inaction is carried out in a case like this you have to ask yourself if the fear factor is appropriate? Eg Is your separation filled with conditions or is boundaries placed there by yourself?

    As a young amn in the Air Force if I broke up with a girl my last words was usually "I hope we can get back together". Then a week or two later she was dating another guy while I was not dating as I felt that was cheating and ruining any chance or reconciliation. I was too loyal. In fact loyalty is no longer a factor after you both part ways.

    I understand you care about this lady a lot but, seriously, you owe her nothing. "Charity begins at home" and looking after yourself means doing what makes you happiest.

    My daughter also met her husband on line. I think it is a great way to meet others as long as you are aware of the traps. In my generation (60's) we were in an age that ballroom dancing drifted away and no computers for dating so it was harder to meet someone. I wouldnt give up on tinder at all. The filter of that process is you and your values and boundaries.

    If she sees your profile on tinder then that will either prompt her to realise what she is missing or she'll make no effort.

    For what it's worth I wouldnt wait.

    Below is threads I wrote on how to deal with the grief of breakups. I hope they help

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/the-best-praise-you'll-ever-get

    https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety

    Repost anytime in those posts or here

    TonyWK

  3. Sophia16
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    Sophia16 avatar
    103 posts
    18 September 2021 in reply to LCS

    Hi LCS,

    I am sorry about what you are going through and I can see that you are feeling confused and anxious.

    We all make mistakes. We are human. It is what makes us, us. Without these mistakes, we could not learn.

    I cannot speak for you because I don't know the whole story. It is all up to you. If you think she is the one for you then try your hardest to get back to her. Speak to her, rant your feelings.

    You deserve someone who will always be there for you. It may just not be the right time for you. Your time will come.

    Stay safe and I am here to chat.

  4. Isabella_
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    Isabella_ avatar
    73 posts
    18 September 2021 in reply to LCS

    Hi LCS, thanks for sharing with us.

    Have you both had a conversation about where you both stand? Whether she feels as though you guys still might have a chance in the future?

    It's unfortunate to hear that after your marriage and finding someone you love again that it's ended in disappointment. This isn't a reflection of you. You are more than deserving of love and companionship despite your past mistakes and relationships.

    In this scenario, it sounds like the end of this relationship was more because of her end than yours. Sometimes people can be a perfect fit but it isn't the right time for them. Your partner sounds like she has some recovery to do from her last relationship and her own anxieties, and that's okay. Perhaps for you, you need to learn to be content with not having a partner for a bit, so you can start to feel happy on your own and therefore happier with a partner.

    If you feel that maybe both of you need that conversation to figure out whether it's truly over, then maybe it would be helpful for you to get that closure. But at the end of the day, it's entirely your choice whether you wait or not. You're deserving of someone supportive and by your side. Sometimes couples are able to work through things together, but other times this isn't the case. I think it's important to figure out what your own needs are, because I imagine that waiting for someone can be a very anxious and emotionally taxing experience.

    Again, sometimes love doesn't work out and it's not always a reflection of yourself. You mentioned that you're taking anti depressants, are you doing any form of therapy along with this medication?

    If you feel that you're ready to put yourself out there, then I encourage you to. Only you can make that call and determine whether you feel ready or not. From the sounds of things, you've put a lot of effort in making this relationship work that wasn't reciprocated for some complicated reasons on her end.

    I hope you're taking care of yourself.

  5. LCS
    LCS avatar
    6 posts
    18 September 2021 in reply to Sophia16

    I think she may have blocked me, not because I said anything nasty or did anything wrong other than leaving her a new set of PJ's that she thought were awesome that I got online, some choc scotch finger biscuits that I know she likes, some coffee pods for the machine I brought her in case her adult kids had used them all by the time she got home, some blueberry and buttermilk muffins I baked the night before and a timber horse clock that made that she loved because it reminded her of her horse.

    I left those at her house after I took her dog to the groomers and dropped her back and left her keys in the house that she had left me when I left for work.

    It was probably over the night I stayed at her place before she flew out. I just really struggled with this after so many contradictory conversations and the things she said to me that made me feel wanted. I'd like to think I wasn't used and that maybe she will come back but I probably need to accept that will never happen.

    What I did disgusts me and I don't really like talking about it and telling her left me feeling very vulnerable and exposed even though to the best of my knowledge she never did and never would tell anyone. I don't think that I can go through trying to explain this to someone else.

    I am stuck between wanting to contact her and knowing that it is probably best if I don't. She already knows about a month ago that I bought a dozen red roses, organised a dinner at a revolving restaurant and bought a specially made jarrah ring box with a note inside that said "Will you marry me, let's choose a ring together" based on our conversations. My divorce is being finalised in October and financial settlement is still ongoing and she suggested everything was being done the wrong way around which is maybe true but still legal. That said she knows how I feel, so apart from not wanting to go through the distress and fear of telling someone else, I can't shake the feeling that if I went on Tinder she would think it's all bullsh*t which its not. I think I am just hanging on to something that's not there and wont ever happen, but what if it does and I blow it by looking again. What if I find someone and by being honest they turn that against me. I just can't go through this heartbreak over and over and it feels like I have to declare what I did wrong and constantly be judged by it when others get to minimise or not even say what they did in the past.

    Sitting here in tears wondering if anythings worth it anymore

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