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Forums / Relationship and family issues / husband leaves 35 yr marriage with no warning

Topic: husband leaves 35 yr marriage with no warning

10 posts, 0 answered
  1. Table for 1
    Table for 1 avatar
    3 posts
    1 July 2015
    I would like to share my story to try and help other women in a similar situation.  On 14th April my husband of 35 years told me he didn't love me anymore and wanted to be friends., We had a $6000 holiday booked and paid for on 19th may and had  10 day old grandchildl.  The night before we were having a drink and clinking glasses together celebrating our wonderful life together. .  I still couldn't believe what he was saying.  He was twisting everything around to put all blame on me,  He's been doing this the whole 10 weeks.  He told me that night when we would tell people, what I would say and how we would split the finances !!!!  I still cannot believe that I just went along with him.  I realise now after 10 weeks and lots of soul searching and many  tears and no sleep that he was and always had been controlling my head.  I went on the holiday on my own which was the hardest but best thing I could've done.  Table for 2 - no thanks just a table for 1 -  I think Im going ok then I just crumble again.   His messages have been so nasty.  For months before this he had been talking obsessively about "Jennifer" from work.  He was obsessed.  I never thought that they were involved but now I know differently.  He wanted to split our mobile phone bills and of course we know why   75 calls to her in 55 days.  calls to her while I was cooking his dinner !!!!  When I questioned him he said she was his bestie and he tried to help her with his life!   He told everyone at the beginning that it had been 3 years in the making and he should have left me 3 years ago and he wants a new life  No wonder I have been so confused. I still wonder how this happened when we had so many plans for the future.  The house goes on the market in 4 weeks.  He is so cocky and sure of himself.  He is 63 yrs old.    There is so much more to this story   but if this is happening to you, you will get through it as us women are very strong and we don't know our our strength until it is tested.  11 weeks ago I was a happily married woman (or so I thought) with a wonderful happy future.  I still have a good future but a different one as my friends said.   I've  made many wrong decisions in this time but we must all remember that there is no manual for us to read to know how to react, our emotions etc.  Im  very proud of myself how far I have come in 10 weeks because I never thought I could smile again but Im also aware that I could still crash and that is OK
    3 people found this helpful
  2. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    9757 posts
    1 July 2015 in reply to Table for 1

    Hi table for 1, welcome here to beyond blue forums

    And the reverse for men, because some men are abused, treated with contempt and left for other men. The focue at the moment with the media is abused women. But I was a man abused by silence and contempt with the odd face slap thrown in for merely disagreeing with her. Yet few media outlets want to know my story. It isnt popular enough.

    Getting back to your plight I have great regard for your guts. It isnt easy to be thrown a rock all at once. I do think there is never a right or good time to tell a partner you are splitting. A little tact wouldnt go astray, you deserved some gentle treatment. My guess is he waited too long and by the time he wanted out he wanted it over and done with asap. Not nice.

    Like everything in life though you can turn it around. Make the most of this new form of freedom albeit lonely, by dining other men for friendship. Many men do this now. They want a friend for a meal but not a date. So the first step there is just forming new friends and consolidating your old ones.

    Travel. Do as you please for a while.

    Hats off to you.   Tony WK

  3. Table for 1
    Table for 1 avatar
    3 posts
    1 July 2015 in reply to white knight
    Thanks Tony,  Yes everythings all about the women but how sad for you men when it happens to you also.,  We are all equal with same emotions. the way he is manipulating our grown up sons for them to take his side and his lies are unbelievable.  Just had a message from him saying that he thinks our son in WA is my alley and when he visits in a few weeks time he will certainly be telling him differently.  Ive always said that they can make up their own minds and we are all adults.  I don't even discuss this situation with any of them now.  He always has to have the last say and I've never been able to have an opinion in all our married life and its still happening now.  Im going to do lots of travelling.  Good luck to you
    1 person found this helpful
  4. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    9757 posts
    1 July 2015 in reply to Table for 1

    Your approach to your grown up sons is spot on. Your husband much to his disgust has lost control of you. He cant bare that.

    Enjoy your life. If your sons waver they wont waver for long. Being a loving mum you will have them all their lives in their heart.

    Well done.

    Take care.  Tony WK

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
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    Doolhof avatar
    8823 posts
    2 July 2015 in reply to Table for 1

    Hi Table for 1,

    Thanks for sharing your story with us! As Tony and yourself have both mentioned, it is not easy if your are male or female to be told that you are no longer loved or wanted!

    I admire your courage, tenacity and spirit. On the practical side I am just hoping that you have a solicitor/lawyer or someone official assisting you with all the legal requirements so there are no legal hassles down the track.

    As far as family goes, all you can do is to continue to love and care for your sons and they will have to form their own opinion as to what they believe.

    Only you know what has happened to you. Your husband will have his own side to the story. Some people end up in huge fights and arguments for years that just add to the horror and trauma of the separation.

    I hope  you are able to continue to move forward and you start to find "yourself" and are able to do all the things you have always dreamed of doing!

    Life will be different. New dreams will be created. You now have the power and the ability to do it your way!

    Cheers to you from Lauren

     

     

    1 person found this helpful
  6. geoff
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    geoff avatar
    16251 posts
    2 July 2015 in reply to Table for 1

    dear Table for 1, hi and great to see that you have posted on this site.

    We see in the paper congratulations to a couple who have been married for 60 odd years and wonder how they have been together for all of this time, after going through such hardship, wars, the depression years and then those arguments that they have had together, but they remain in a marriage, maybe today it's much easier to get a divorce, which maybe a good thing or maybe a bad idea, no one can say, but no one should ever have to be punished nor deceived by their partner/spouse.

    We all go through life making mistakes but it's how we are to be forgiven and how we can then move forward again and accept what has happened.

    All of this hasn't much bearing on your comment or maybe it has, in that now you are free, not by your choice, but has been forced upon you, so now what your ex says to you son, he then will decide whether or not any of what he says is at all true, but when there is love especially from their mum, then honesty and love will truly prevail.

    You should be proud of yourself, 10 weeks has passed and this time could be a dangerous period, but who knows what your ex was doing for so long behind your back, but you are free now to do whatever you want, and you probably have a lot to catch up on.

    Good luck. L Geoff. x

    1 person found this helpful
  7. Misty1
    Misty1 avatar
    1 posts
    13 July 2015

    Hi table for 1

    I can totally relate to your story  as on April 13th my husband of 30 years did the same to me! He has worked away for the past 2 years and has constantly said he misses our family life and can't wait to be back home again. However, I felt he began to be a little distant for the past few months then in April he drops the bombshell that he wants a divorce! The old I love you but I'm not in love with you line. I thought we had a good marriage , all our family and friends cannot believe this is happening to us and think he is having some sort of midlife crisis. He's 48 and I am 49. I mostly have bad days where I don't even want to get out of bed but have to as I need to go to work! But occasionally getting better days. It's like living in a nightmare where you just want to wake up and have your old life back :-(  I do hope things work out for you and wish you all the best :-)

    2 people found this helpful
  8. kayemaree
    kayemaree avatar
    1 posts
    16 July 2015 in reply to Table for 1
    Hi table for one. My husband of 26 years ;lesft me 6 weeks ago. I found out in April that he has been having and affair with his practice nurse for the past 12 months. he said we could try to repair things but his heart was never in it and I discovered he was still seeing her and lying to me and our 2 children so I asked him to leave. My life has been a mess since. I cry all the time and cant get used to him not being here. I never asked for this, I still love him and want him back but he wants her. I am so incredibly lonely even though I still have me 2 kids at home. They cant fill the void he left. I just feel like a piece of garbage that he has thrown away for a new and younger model. I want to feel whole again I want to be happy again and mostly I want to stop feeling so bloody sad. It isn't fair to me or the people around me. I see a therapist but she can only advise. I am waiting to see a psychiatrist but don't know how much help he will be. I hate my life at the moment but am not suicidal. I feel lost and lonely and very unlovable and I really dont know where to go from here. I want to be happy again. 
    1 person found this helpful
  9. gene
    gene avatar
    1 posts
    7 August 2015 in reply to kayemaree
    this is my 1st time on this site topic- how I relate to you= my husband sent my son to tell me to learn to fill my own car ???? why because he was going to live with the love of his life my friend of 43years - she is 69 years old twice divorced- he my husband is 70 yrs old so am I and we have been married 50years- where did this come from - I cannot stop crying = I pick myself up - do a chore -go for a walk anything to disconnect with the grief and hurt I feel - 8months has gone by and I feel that I have overused my friends who cant believe what is happening - events and things -theft-lies and stories that even the soaps on the tv would censor-in 3weeks my farm and home will be auctioned- he is living with my friend and has not helped in any way to remove or pack or dispose of our 50years of life together- also he has only talked to me through demanding lawyers letters- I have been told this is the way to erode any money I receive from my half of the assets when sold- I have been to easily pushed into doing -eg cleaning the farm and rubbish -caring for the cattle and if I had done nothing  I will be letting myself and our 50years down - how  can I stop the sudden unexpected tears in public or private especially when the auction hammer falls-maybe I hoped that 6months and he would be back -but the anger now is not going to give me generousity to welcome him back - so I must stop hurting and crying and bring back myself-HOW?-  appreciate any help -thanks
  10. Doolhof
    Champion Alumni
    • Community champion volunteers who are not currently active on the forums.
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
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    Doolhof avatar
    8823 posts
    8 August 2015 in reply to gene

    Hi Gene,

    I am so very sorry to read your story! I came upon it by chance. I would like to suggest, that if you can bear to tell your story again, that you start up a new post of your own so others can relate to you. As you have shared your story at the end of another thread I am not sure you will have very many people responding.

    Once again I am so very sorry this has happened to you. Do you have a lawyer of your own? You mentioned a son, is he helping you with any of this? What about friends, can they give you help and advice as well?

    It hardly seems fair that your husband just walks away and leaves you to cope with everything that needs doing.

    I do so hope you have legal assistance in all of this!

    Don't worry about the tears. They are to be expected and it is very hard to hold them back. Do you have people to support you at the auction?

    Hopefully your true friends will keep standing by you and help you. Are you receiving any counselling at all to help you through this time?

    I have asked a lot of questions here! I do encourage you to try and start up a new post of your own as I am sure you will receive more contact that way.

    Thinking of you, from Lauren

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