Hi Brokenandbruised,  first of all, this is my first post here, and the reason is you.

I wanted to tell you, never be sorry for posting or talking about your feelings...if you feel it, then its real and worth while thing to do, and so are you.

YOU ARE being listen to sweetie, even though i haven't even typed 1 word about myself on this site yet, i was so compelled to just reach out to you, so you at least know your not alone and your not just talking/typing to an empty space.

" says he hates me, he even told me to kill myself"....that is his hurt and pain and defenses talking to you, not his true wishes i think...try not to take it to heart TO much....but i have felt the pain of those type of words.

SO much of how you feel jumped out at me, and i can so relate to many things you said and are feeling.

" I am empty inside. I just need someone to listen to me. So if anyone wants to talk, please let me know. I'm only hanging  on by a thread. ".........

WELL I'm Listening...

not sure if i could be of any help ( because of my own situation...i don't/rare out, i don't have family that gives a **** and don't contact them no more....and have lost all my friends over the years....so i have got use to being home alone with my dog...:I feel i am on the edge of a clift with one foot in the air. ), BUT if i can be then feel free to contact me.

An Understanding Hug for you.

RoBBiE

dear Brokenandbruised, this feeling that you are going through is certainly not what anyone with depression would ever wish upon themselves, unfortunately it does and will always do so with this disease.

It's amazing how a new reader can respond to you, which definitely means that many other people are also doing the same, but I welcome Robbie and thank him so much for replying to yourself, and I do hope that he will let us know how he feels.

It's a catch 22 situation, because when we are depressed we don't like people smothering us, we can't stand too much affection, because we either can't handle it, or it's not exactly the attention we want, it's not going to rid us of our depression, and maybe it's it's a false way to show our love for someone.

You can't give depressed people a false or pretend way of being affectionate, and even though if he did return, which is unlikely now, then in a short time you will push him away again, and this only happens because of this illness, so what we want is for people to help us with this illness, to understand what worries us.

I do worry about this chap who you have spoken to for over 11 years and never met him, and maybe this is from a dating service, and please correct me if I am wrong, but these discussions might have been quite informative.

Loneliness puts us in a corner, but we so much want someone to share our life with, but I'm sure that we must have antennas up on our head saying 'beware this person is depressed, handle with extreme care', so we can't seem to stop this persona on our face, our our body and the way we communicate with others, so what does this mean.

Well even if we do get a partner our depression will overflow onto them, and before long we will lose them as well, and what this does is to cement our depression, so unfortunately this new love of our life will go as well, so we have to concentrate on overcoming our depression and this can include social anxiety.

It's a two sided sword here, and as much as we want someone to love and to be with us forever, most people can't handle depression with someone else.

We often get confused by meeting someone new, our hearts are racing, our body is sweating, we go out for dinner etc. but our depression is hidden for a short time, but gradually it appears over time, believing that this person will be able to handle it with us, however mostly they can't so they move on.

I'm sorry if all of this is disappointing, but one way to help you is to keep posting here, you have problems that all of us have experienced, and even though I have overcome my depression I know that someone in my life would be nice, but I would never life with them and that's because of many reasons which I can post if you would like me to. L Geoff. x

Hi Robbie,

Thanks so much for your kind words. I'm sorry that your first post had to be about me! The people at beyond blue were so concerned about me after they read my post that I got a late night phone call from a cat team. I wasn't expecting that. I'm ok but only just. Yes I can see that my ex-boyfriend is probably saying these things because he is hurt and still finds the break-up painful. He sent me another email at 3am but again it wasn't pleasant. I couldn't stop crying after I read it. I've been doing that a lot lately. But I have now accepted that he's not the one for me. And I don't deserve to be treated like that. So I'm not going to contact him again, and I hope he leaves me alone. 

My psychologist has given me a few mini goals to work on, but I don't feel I can even begin to try. I don't currently have a job because my last job was a contract and this has ended. I'm just no where near being in the right head space to even go online and look at jobs. It seems everyone is giving me advice, but very few people really understand what I'm going through. I know my parents won't put up with me being unemployed for much longer. 

I'm sorry I haven't even asked you about your depression. I too don't have many friends. I'm sorry to hear that your family isn't supportive. I guess in my case I'm quite dependent on them now. So even though they don't understand me, they are supporting me financially. 

Gosh I really sound like a loser don't i? My whole life is in ruins. It's a wonder that you'd even want to talk to me! Well if you still do, I'd be happy to listen to your story, if you feel comfortable in sharing it, that is. 

Thanks again for your kind words and I hope I hear from you soon. By the way my real name is Gabby.

Brokenndbruised - I am always here if you would like to talk. Also, you are deserving of love. Though my response is laconic, it's the essence I consider it to be the most important. You deserve it.

Hi Gabby,Thanks for telling me / us know your real first name Gabby, I think it helps alot to connection with another when you know there name, but i also understand the comfort in feeling anonymous when talking and sharing such strong and deep feelings as you have so bravely done here, and it sure beats talking to "myredshoe" or "baconandeggs"  :-) .....its real nice to meet you Gabby and my real name is...Robbie  O.o

Don't feel sorry my first post was to you Gabby,.. you actually did me a great  favour , you guided my hands to the keyboard !, at a time when i thought I may never have the guts to talk here or even remove my account here...so ty for that Gabby and more so, for sharing your heart and soul and feelings here.

Even if people do not or can not reply to you........just remember many of them will hear you...read you,and understand that they  ARE NOT ALONE....and there are others here who are feeling and experiencing many of the same things you are....and that they are NOT some freak of nature who needs to do this alone..

So just remember Gabby, for your honesty and bravery here....YOU are and will be helping many others along the way......Me and alot of other people ARE here with you and for you .as you yourself also take those scary brave first "little steps" that really are SO so important and critical to do ....THAT is something you need to keep reminding yourself, and feeling a bit proud of Gabby  !

wow Gabby -  I just  typed about 1500 words to you after ( and just because you said sorry) i read that you said to me.... "  I'm sorry that your first post had to be about me!"....so please.. DON'T BE SORRY, not for anything you feel, or are going through,or experiencing... not for sharing your pain and hurt,or fears or  YOUR STORY.....you have NOTHING to be sorry about....your not going to be blamed or judged or labled here, no one is going to point any fingers at you ( or anyone else)......

What you ARE doing (in my opinion Gabby) IS the exact and best thing for YOU...not for or about others.

this is not about family or friends who don't understand ( or cant or dont want to understand and empathize with you Gabby ....and thats ok....some just dont care to care....some are scared to know the full truth...many dont have the skills or a way to approach the whole "THING" with you), or just want you to "get over it" or "walk it off" OR "just move on" !

I also think sometimes, some family and friends feel a bit ( or very) helpless because they cant help you...and so they back away and fade into the background.....and they just want and are waiting for the "old Gabby" to come back.........If there heart is in the right place, they will still be there later kido......there just feeling that something needs fixing, and they dont have the tools to help fix it.... O.O

" The people at beyond blue were so concerned about me after they read my post that I got a late night phone call from a cat team".....WOW......WELL DONE Beyond Blue !!.......

Gabby...I hope you ( and all others here).. did and are ,feeling  that real,down to earth,honest and genuine concern and contact from them for you, helped you as much as possible and you should never ever forget, anytime.....@ those most dark and cold and empty times, that there IS someone there WITH and FOR you, anytime.

" Yes I can see that my ex-boyfriend is probably saying these things because he is hurt and still finds the break-up painful. He sent me another email at 3am but again it wasn't pleasant. I couldn't stop crying after I read it. I've been doing that a lot lately. But I have now accepted that he's not the one for me. And I don't deserve to be treated like that. So I'm not going to contact him again, and I hope he leaves me alone. "......

THAT ( i know), is going to be so very hard....personally i think its the correct thing to do, BUT i also know that the love of another ( sadly even if its someone who abuses you, or who dose not treat you as you deserve or should be loved and respected),... when it seems you have no love at all other than from or for that person.......YEP Gabby, i KNOW its like being addicted to a drug that is so bad for you..and giving it up is like ripping a part of your heart out......best thing i did in that respect, was ban,delete and made sure i never got anything from her again, please dont torture yourself sweetie

( EDIT- just so you know Gabby.....If you ever talk about feelings or situations or share anything that i have either not experience or  i don't understand hoe that must feel,please know at least this about me  I'll not sit here on the side of my bed @ 2am ( yes, with my dog...... :-)  ) pretending that "i know just how you feel" ) for me that would be disrespectful to you at the very least, and it wont happen.

.......If nothing else,Im a stupidly honest guy Ab's..youngest of 7, who has been through, seen and done far to much " life experience"  in 49 years.....

WELL, 

(  the BB managers/site may not allow or post this or  like i have used up so much time/space/text talking to you Gabby......but....

 i speak and feel from the heart, i do this without filtering 

so sorry if i am breaking any rules on this site  )

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I just want to finish reading what you typed to me and others Gabby......and for what its worth, finish replying to you.

I so know what you mean about, a "job" just not being even close to what you could handle.....that's why Centrelink (massive) , housing SA, family and friends and "society's" expectations of WHAT i NEED and SHOULD be doing.....makes all "this".....feel like your not normal.....makes you so guilty and so apart from "normal" people.

" I'm sorry I haven't even asked you about your depression".....dont be Gabbby......its all good,this isnt about me....i have had 49 years hiding this and Im pretty good at it.....:)

"Gosh I really sound like a loser don't i? My whole life is in ruins. It's a wonder that you'd even want to talk to me! Well if you still do, I'd be happy to listen to your story, if you feel comfortable in sharing it, that is.  "........

YES...i DO want to talk to you Gabby....." so THERE"...sticks out my tongue at you in a playful way

NO, you dont sound like a "looser".....you sound like someone who is....."drowning.....not waving"...OK ?...

 I personally .....OK....

ok...I think , out of respect for you and how brave and open  and what you have shared to all of us,that i owe you at least as best as i can.....a few things about me, but i 

dam it...........lump in my throat the size of a soccer ball.....wow

dont know where to start or ...dont want to hijack YOUR time and space here Gab's.....dont want to sound rambling.

wow- this is harder than i ever  thought.give me a moment........

 fewlllll....you got alot of guts lady, to be able to share as you have......I um....i thought this would be easier 

just spent 15 min pacing around my house ....balling my eyes out.....not a good look.

OK

I'll try doing it this way....a bit quick and incomplete and clinical and sterile....i wasnt expecting....but i think i understand why you ask to " show me yours if i show you mine"......thats fair and propper Gabby

MOST ofT HIS IS going to be a bit all over the place....but i will keep it as short..and most i will read from papers to/from gp to the psychologist...first and only time have been to....if i dont do it this way....then i cant do it.

49

type 1 diabetes.......leveles range from     ....1.9----up to 24.Im not good at eating regular, or keeping it down, or being abale to get to a / my GP for scripts...i spends many days without depression etc medication because i cant get out of my bedroom or house.

diagnosed in 2011/12...from a referal from GP to a paychiatrist ( norwood in S.A)

Chronic PTSD (from extreme abusive childhood,flashbacks,ruminations,social triggers etc etc etc with total avoidence

chronic/server Depression

cronic anxiety

server long term sleep disorder/insomnia....wakes every hour or so throughout every night

born last and youngest of 7.....both parents  alcoholics before and for many many years after i was born and most of my brothers and sisters abused drugs and alcohol....and me

ahhhh.i read up and feel like i am complaining........

sexualy abuse buy family member and 2 other non family.

severe physically abuse by family memebers

server physiologically abuse  by family memebers

 steal food at school from other kids "lunch packs and bags"....

i use to "wag " school....and hide and sleep under bushes, because i count sleep with all the violence in the house

skip forward.....

my brother closest ( near twin/treated like a twin) died by suicide in jail when i was 21

farther 1 time killed by massive heart attack....2 weeks later a brother diagnose with aids

my mother never had a boyfriend, she met my dad and they were together for life

my mum's ONLY carer for 13 years....24 / 7.....didnt evenget told i could have a rest

ALL other family members thought, Robbie gets carer payment, so all responsability to HIM

i did...EVERY moment.....took her to hospital ....she pased away that night 2010

few weeks later....55 year old sister died......

skip

skip

housing trust in S.A. gave me hell

centre link same

etc etc

so so so much more in between those above lines, 2 kids.....SO much more

I am not going to keep doing this

Im am sorry Gabby/all...i didnt know i was going to type THAT much about THAT....i will...I'll do it in another place that dose not hijack or distract from what we are here for and that is Gabby.

Don't be sorry Robbie. What's the THAT? I'm not the only one with depression and if you feel comfortable I'd like to listen to you. You have been kind  enough to reach out to me. I'm still awake and it's 6.39am! I'll be lucky to get a few hours sleep. So please don't think this thread is just for me. As you said to me, don't be afraid to explain your feelings and what you're going through. I'm also a good listener. 

Hi Robbie,

Sorry when I went online last night your longer post wasn't there then, it obviously wasn't approved at that stage.  Robbie after reading your story, I cried for you. I know it must have taken a lot of courage to share what's happened to you. I'm so sorry that you've had such a traumatic childhood. I wish I could give you a cuddle right now. But I know that there's not anything I could say or do that will take your pain away. You said you have 2 kids, how old are they and do you see them often? I have a daughter myself who is 19 and lives with me. She's actually more independent than I am at 41! I could go into more detail about her father, but in a nutshell she hasn't seen him since she was about 6 years old. I live in Melbourne. 

Please don't say you shouldn't be talking about yourself here. I'm so glad you did. Like I said before this thread isn't just for me or about me. You have pain too Robbie. And I'd really like to be your friend and even if we can't help each other, at least we can listen to each other, and I know that you understand what I'm going through. Although I haven't experienced a lot of what you went through, e.g., child sexual abuse and the issues with your family, I do have my own dysfunctional family. I have to put up with certain things, because I'm not working right now, and they are financially supporting me. I'm sure they think they are doing more than that, but my sister is actually a clinical psychologist and has been little help to me. To be fair to her, she is very busy. She works full-time and has 2 young children, but she does have a husband who does a lot. I think it's hard for her as she can't be objective when it comes to family matters.

So it seems we both have trouble sleeping. I finally got off to sleep around 8am, and only got 3 hours, as my 'delightful' mother came into my room and opened the blinds and said, "it's time to get up now!" So I did, swearing at her under my breath. I'm actually supposed to be looking at jobs right now, to achieve the mini goal the psychologist set me. But I'd much rather be talking/writing to you right now. My heart really goes out to you Robbie. To hear about what you've gone through, has really touched me. Don't ever put yourself down. You are an extremely strong person to have endure all of that. I'm no where near as strong as you are. Are you working at the moment? It just seems so much easier to share my feelings than to do other things. I hardly know you, but I feel I could tell you anything and you wouldn't judge me, like so many other people have. I hope you continue to share your story with me, as I feel like already there is a connection between us. Maybe it's because we are both suffering from depression and can really empathise with the other.

This is getting long, and boring, so I'll wait for your reply.

You actually made me feel a bit better today after hearing back from you. And you've now actually inspired me to look at some jobs. I'm not applying for any yet, just looking.

Just know you have a friend out there that does care and I'm thinking of you.

Gabby

Hi Geoff,

thank you so much for  replying to me. I've actually decided not to contact my ex-boyfriend again. I don't deserve to be spoken to like that and I think it's time to move on. I'm interested to know why you wouldn't live with anyone. So if you want to share this, that would be good. I understand what you were saying about how difficult it Is to have a romantic relationship when you have depression. But I don't think it's impossible. Or maybe that's my romantic nature talking. What about if both have depression?  Then they would understand what each other is going through.  I'd also like to know how you've managed to deal with and overcome your depression. Only if you want to share of course. I'm sure that others would like to know too. Have you spoken to Robbie here at all today?  I was very touched by his post about his life. 

I hope you do reply,

Gabby

Hi Robbie,

I'm actually waiting for you to come online. I just listened to a beautiful but sad love song. It's fairly old now and I started crying. I've been very teary lately. I hope you're not mad at me or avoiding me because I mentioned chatting elsewhere. I'd much rather keep chatting here than have you disappear on me. So I'm sorry if I said something wrong. 

I really hope you come on here tonight. I'm here waiting for you.

Gabby

dear Gabby, well Gabby I am a very much romantic type chap, embarrassed by saying this, no not at all, so the reason I decided to stay alone, maybe because 'once bitten twice shy'.

The lady I married for 25 odd years was my first ever love with a female, but in those years she left on several occasions taking our sons with her, she never had said sorry to me for incidents that seemed to be her fault, and I'm a pretty go-free type man, whether I disagreed with the decision or not.

So since I have moved into this rented place after being divorced, I have had a lady stay a couple of times, but the hours of which I go to bed and get up early in the morning are unusual, but my medication controls these hours, and now I have grown used to them now, so my social life is nil, but I still see many people during the day, who all say that the hours I live are ridiculous, I do agree, and have tried to change them, but it doesn't work.

How do I deal and handle my depression, well this was never easy and it took me a long time to come to where I am now, but when I was seeing my old psychologist who I had seen for 20 years, she kept asking me about how I was going to deal with problem A which we had talked about so many times, but in the end all I could say was 'I don't know', then why don't you know or what's holding you back, 'because there are too other issues which are linked to problem A, so I have to overcome all these little problems a, b, c. d before I could solve problem A.

So in the end I decided to parcel up problem A as well as all the little triggers a,b,c,d, seal them into a box and then send them all to the 'bermuda triangle', never to be seen again, because I couldn't solve them and to have these problems sitting by my side would only keep me in depression.

It's been about 8 years now so I have learnt to push any thoughts of them aside.

These horrible thoughts were the ones that were a sizeable contribution to me having this illness, but I could never overcome, sort through them and then solve them, because ever if I did solve them it would open the door to other problems, it was only a road that lead to me to the dark black hole.

I did want to sort through them many times, because they always worried me, and even if I thought that I had conquered them then there were other issues which were attached to problem A, so I decided to give up and send them on their way to the bermuda triangle.

Now I have much important issues to help those who are still suffering, as I can relate to most of them, all except for physical abuse, but I still understand that this issue is becoming an enormous problem, so I put myself in their position and feel the devastation it causes these poor people and how they must feel. L Geoff. x

Hi Brokenandbruised,

Firstly, you are not alone.  I was depressed when I was younger, well during high school years and a few years after.  Even though your situation is different to mine in some ways, but I can somehow relate to your feelings (feeling depressed, lonely, empty..).  I felt isolated at school never had a friend at the time. Always felt different, incompetent and had to try harder than others in everything. Many times I questioned my existence, I needed someone to understand me and be my soul mate so badly. I cried often.  My parents were really worried but felt helpless.  I looked at the world and seeing people enjoying life having good relationships and friends that I never had. 20 years on and I am now happy, not because I have an abundance of friends or married, but I realised the only way to be happy is to be happy with myself, that I am here for a reason whether that be with my siblings or parents or be of help for others. I have come to know myself, that I am good at some things that others aren't, I totally turned my negative thoughts into positives (takes practice),  I connect with my inner self more and feeling positive without the approval of others. When you say your ex-boyfriend hates you, I personally don't think he means it, but rather the way many of us including me would express whilst succumbed to anger...At the time it felt forever i was alive but never really lived.  But I am glad that chapter is over.   I hope you feel better , just give life a chance.. allow time to give you other opportunities, you are precious, it takes time to see that. 

Hi Mares,

thanks for your comments. I'm sorry it's taken a while to reply to you. I don't think I should delve into how to communicate away from this site as it's not adhering to the rules of this forum, and I don't want to get in any further trouble! I think I understand what you mean when you said be careful if others show affection as they may not be looking for the same. I made that mistake in trying to get back with my ex-boyfriend. But I've learnt from that. I've suffered enough in my life. Anyway, thanks for listening and maybe you can tell me a bit about your experiences sometime.