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Join the online community Community rules Coping during the Coronavirus outbreak

Topic: I'm so lost

18 posts, 0 answered
  1. Rachylou
    Rachylou avatar
    9 posts
    25 April 2020
    Hi everyone or anyone really. It is 2:30am & I am in tears again. My husband just woke up and started to basically tell me to get a job. I do actually work part-time at the moment and my hours just got cut in half so I haven't been feeling very happy lately. My husband works full time in a stressful job and has been working at home. I feel like he won't be happy until I'm working as much as him and as stressed as him. As soon as I show any signs of being happy, he just brings me down by telling me he does everything and has to support a whole family and how it's all up to him. He just makes me feel like nothing so I end up in tears, abs then it seems he's happy. I just don't know what to do. I just don't have any energy left.


  2. Guest909
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    479 posts
    25 April 2020 in reply to Rachylou

    Hi RachyLou

    It sounds like your husband is under a lot of stress. I'm not sure what you can do about that, but it might be helpful to give him (and yourself) some space. Can you go and stay with family or friend for a short time?

    As far as your employment goes, you can only do what you can. Try and stay in the work force for your own sanity. You don't have to match his income, or his stress levels; do what you are comfortable with; do what your family commitments will allow; you have nothing to prove.

    Hopefully things will improve when he goes back to work and life after COVID-19 gets back to normal.

    If your are having problems with depression have a word to your doctor; s/he may be able to help.

    1 person found this helpful
  3. Rachylou
    Rachylou avatar
    9 posts
    25 April 2020 in reply to Guest909
    Thank you. I don't have anywhere to go. We nearly broke up last year and my parents just think he's perfect and it's all my fault.
    I really have nobody to turn to and nobody to talk to.
  4. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5953 posts
    25 April 2020 in reply to Rachylou
    Hi Rachylou, 

    We are so sorry that you are feeling overwhelmed at the moment, but please know that you've come to a safe, supportive place to share your thoughts and feelings. You've taken a really brave step in reaching out here for support, and I think Mr Paul has made a really great suggestion in discussing how you have been feeling lately with your doctor, if you feel comfortable with them. Please know that you can always talk these feelings through with our mental health counsellors at our Support Service who are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via Webchat at www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport You are not alone in this, and there is always support here for you.
    We hope that you continue to keep us updated on how you are going whenever you feel up to it.
  5. Guest909
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    25 April 2020 in reply to Rachylou

    If you are not getting any support from your parents, have you thought about getting some outside help. If yes, go to your doctor and ask for a "Mental Health Care Plan". Don't let the name scare you; it does not mean you are crazy; nothing could be further from the truth.

    What the plan does give you is access to Medicare subsidised help where you can talk through your problems with a professional. The service is confidential and well worth the effort.

    I and many others on this forum have been where you are; don't give up. With help, you will get through this.

  6. Rachylou
    Rachylou avatar
    9 posts
    25 April 2020 in reply to Sophie_M
    I just don't think I can go to my doctor and tell her anything. I don't want to talk because I'll just end up crying - I haven't stopped since last night.

    I really just want to curl up in a ball in the corner somewhere where nobody can see me.
  7. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    5953 posts
    25 April 2020 in reply to Rachylou
    Hey Rachylou,
    Thanks for checking back in with us. 
    We're so sorry to hear you're upset. What’s something you can do for yourself right now? Something that’s enjoyable or relaxing?

    It might be useful to link in with someone who can support you. There are a number of support services available via webchat if you prefer text communication. Our webchat is available from 3pm to 12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. The SANE Help Centre also provides online counselling, Monday to Friday (10am - 10pm) to adults who identify as having a complex mental health issue, complex trauma or high levels of psychological distress.  You might also want to check out the Head to Health website. You can find free and low-cost, trusted online and phone mental health resources here. Keep checking back in with us whenever you feel up to it Rachylou.
  8. Guest909
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    25 April 2020 in reply to Rachylou

    Hi Rachylou

    It sounds like you are in a bad place at the moment. If you want to cry let it out.

    As a suggestion, it might help to put your feelings down on paper or in print. It sounds silly, but it does help.

    Alternatively, if you would like to share, I and many others on this forum are willing to listen to your story. Sometimes talking to a complete stranger will put things into perspective.

    Please, try and see your doctor when you are ready.

    You will get through this!

  9. therising
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    2199 posts
    26 April 2020 in reply to Rachylou

    Hi Rachylou

    My heart goes out to you as you struggle with the incredible challenges you face.

    I see Mr Paul's given you great points to ponder. It does sound like your husband's pretty stressed, as well as you, of course. It's incredibly tough when we begin to break down a lot of what is upsetting us. As we break thoughts down, such as 'I cant' keep working these hours under these conditions' or 'I can't keep taking the emotional abuse', venting can often be the result. It's definitely best to vent in an open, thoughtful and supportive way, with constructive communication, but this doesn't always happen. Our breaking down or breakdown can resemble an irrational vent of confusion, frustration and accusation. You mention 'supporting a whole family'. Do you have kids?

    Rachylou, one of the best pieces of advice I ever read is 'Your best is always gong to be different'. This can be something that reminds us that the challenges we face play a significant part in determining our best:

    • You may be doing your best given reduced hours and the challenge that comes with less income
    • You may be doing your best to run a household that has changed under current social circumstances
    • You may be doing your best to balance your mental well being with the great expectations of your husband
    • You may be doing your best while in the state of pure exhaustion

    These are all new challenges that you're doing your best to feel you way through. Glad you came here as a constructive form of management. Looking for positive support is always a great strategy.

    My husband was incredibly stressed when this covid business started and his hours were reduced. I told him 'I understand you're stressed but don't bring your stress to me and the kids. We don't want it. Bring your concerns to me and we will work together toward solutions', which we did. Also helped him with ways to calm his mind and body down. We don't want to be living with that much dis-ease for too long. It's exhausting, for a start.

    Wondering if you're both working to support expenses that can possibly be modified in a way. Reducing the outgoings in some way might help take some of the pressure off the need to generate a huge amount of income.

    I'm also wondering whether your husband should have left his job some time ago, so as to find one that doesn't cause so much dis-ease within him. What you may be witnessing in him is the tipping point of a significant imbalance in his life.

    You're beautiful Rachylou. Don't forget this!

    1 person found this helpful
  10. Rachylou
    Rachylou avatar
    9 posts
    26 April 2020 in reply to therising
    Thank you everyone for being so supportive. I have been through so much in my life and I think it's just all finally got to me. I'm so used to just forgetting about stuff and pretending it doesn't matter.

    My husband came to talk to me this morning and apologise so I was all prepared to do the same as I have done forever and move on with my life shoving my feelings away. I thought I won't come back here because I don't need it.

    Then I couldn't stop thinking about what you have all said about talking to someone and I really think I need that. I need to tell someone about my life and everything I have been through. Someone that won't judge me or think I'm just being silly. Someone who will just listen. Even someone that might understand me and how I feel.

    At the moment I feel like I do all the thinking and caring for others but nobody stops to ask me if I'm OK except for my 2 daughters. I'm scared about their future too and them having relationship problems because of me. My 12 year old already says she doesn't want to get married and have kids. I just feel like I've messed everything up for them.

    I also have trouble functioning during the normal society accepted hours of the day. I have always been like it. Given the chance I will be up until 3am and sleep until 11am. Since I am working less hours I have reverted to these hours as it's when I feel the best. I have forever struggled in the morning and even when I get up at 7am or earlier, I find it super hard to be efficient and work until the afternoon comes. I feel drowsy and feel like my brain doesn't work properly.
    My husband gets really annoyed about it and calls me lazy even though I'm up during the night doing a lot of stuff like housework and all the stuff that comes with having a house with 2 kids. I even find that I prefer my working hours to be later and often work until 1am.
    I just thought it was normal to feel tired in the morning. My husband gets up at 7am or earlier and I always wondered why I couldn't do that. I have always thought it was insomnia and tried melatonin which didn't really help. The other day after my husband had another go at me for being in bed at 10am, I started researching it to see if anyone else was the same or maybe I'm just a freak. I started reading about delayed sleep phase syndrome and it all made sense. It sounded exactly like me. I sent the info to my husband but I think he thinks it's all BS and just an excuse.
    I just need someone to believe me and understand me because at this stage, I don't.
  11. Guest909
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    26 April 2020 in reply to Rachylou

    Hi Rachylou

    I'm glad to hear that you have decided to go a talk to someone. I don't think that you will regret it. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose.

    If you are feeling a little uncomfortable about seeing a professional, keep it to yourself until you are comfortable.

    All the best.

  12. therising
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    2199 posts
    27 April 2020 in reply to Rachylou

    Hi Rachylou

    Sounds like you could be onto something with the delayed sleep phase syndrome possibility. I believe it always pays to wonder, for wonder is what leads us to answers. Whether you decide to look into seeing a sleep specialist is a call that is yours.

    I think you're an admirable example to your kids. The reason I say this is because you're someone who seeks to evolve, someone who works on adapting to change and the desire to change. Having 2 kids myself (son 14 and daughter 17), I can honestly say I have tried as hard as possible to evolve for them over the years, given a variety of circumstances. They've directly and indirectly raised me to search for the best in myself over time. If not for them, I believe I would still be in my depression today or perhaps not even be here. Love for our kids is an incredible gift. We're big on discussing mental health challenges in our household. Our mantras involve raising each other, not bringing each other down. By the way, in raising yourself (such as with you looking into speaking to someone so as to raise your understanding of yourself) you'll find you'll also be raising your girls along the way, with each revelation and new practice you bring to life. It's a journey you'll take together in a way.

    If your husband chooses to be ignorant (ignore the possibility of DSPS), that's an issue for him. If he chooses to remain ignorant, don't look to him for a lot of support in this area, look to those who are willing to help you manage it. I say this from personal experience. During my years in depression (which ended in 2005) there wasn't as much publicity about depression. My husband admits how dismissive he was throughout my struggle because he didn't believe, at the time, depression was 'a real thing'. It takes someone who believes in our struggle to help us truly mange it and rise beyond it.

    With new found direction, you have stepped foot on a path of great changes ahead. Of course, it will be a path of challenge in parts but your daughters sound highly capable of loving you through the challenges. Goes to show, you're raising them well. Don't let anyone sway you from your path by casting doubt in your mind. Finding our inner compass is an empowering experience and a very personal one. Because it's so personal, not everyone will agree with the direction we take, especially if they feel they are being left behind.

    :)

  13. Rachylou
    Rachylou avatar
    9 posts
    4 May 2021 in reply to therising

    Your words are very encouraging so thank you! I find myself back here again & haven't sought help.

    Things are worse. I got a job last July, to be told the day before I was due to start they couldn't take me on. I ended up working as a contractor for my ex boss up until Christmas which was great. It was seasonal, so ended in January. I got another job, was there for 11 days before they told me I didn't have the right skillset. I didn't even get a chance. Half the staff were new, with no handover or clear guidelines. We struggled to find things on the server. I proposed a restructure but was ignored. I reported to a new Marketing Manager who started the same day. I tried to organise everything but got told I wasn't allowed to use certain images, post stuff online, target markets which would have been beneficial to the business, in an industry I knew more about than the people I was reporting to. I was limited while my new Manager wasn't there, constantly in meetings. I was part time but I apparently wasn't keeping up with the Social Media (I only got access in my 2nd week). I wasn't given a laptop or phone & was told I couldn't work at home. People were asking questions on Facebook but I wasn't there to respond. This meant I wasn't keeping up. I did a FB post about a company who was using our services because we needed to be more active on socials. The company didn't see it and rang up, demanding we do a FB post. I wasn't working that day so the Marketing Mgr posted another. End result - 2 posts one after the other, the first consistent with branding, the 2nd long winded & out of place. I was asked to review a new website but the SEO was outsourced to an Executive's son-in-law and the reports he gave us only included parts that made him look like he was doing a fine job. I drafted a newsletter only for the Marketing Manager to change my wording, making an error with the branding. I sent it for review to Senior Mgmt with incorrect changes. I was told to change the mistake "I" had made...

  14. Rachylou
    Rachylou avatar
    9 posts
    4 May 2021 in reply to Rachylou

    This was about a month ago. The day I drove away I called my ex boss again who was really supportive and said he still needed my help and could I continue on a contract basis. He said it could very well end up in a permanent position but they weren't quite at that stage yet as the business structure had changed, but I could continue on a contract basis until then.

    In the meantime my husband was getting harder and harder to deal with. He constantly puts me down telling me that Marketing is stupid and I should do something else. I have been in this field for more than 20 years and have a Marketing Degree - yet he wants me to work for a call centre 7 days a week.

    After walking on eggshells for 4 weeks, last night he told me he's done and we're different people. He told me that not working is not an option for me, that working part time is a load of rubbish and the kids weren't an excuse for me not working full time. My kids are 11 & 13 and do still actually need me.

    I volunteer for a local club, something that eats away at him because I'm not getting paid. I do it so my kids and others can play sport. If nobody volunteered, the place wouldn't exist and the kids would be affected.

    He doesn't agree with anything I do. He tells me off about anything I do that doesn't suit him and his needs. He only wants to take our kids to after school activities if one of his mates (parents of our kids friends) is there and spends to the whole time talking to them rather than paying attention to what his own kids are doing. He only wants to be a dad when it suits him and I have to tell them off if they do anything wrong - he never does and complains to me so I tell them off.

    Last night he had written a list of demands - things I need to change to keep him happy. I tried talking to him but he bluntly refused and said he didn't care what I had to say or about me. He told me now he has to give up half of everything he has worked for since he was 14 because I have done absolutely nothing. He was truly awful and nobody should be spoken to the way he spoke to me. I'm dead inside - he has made me so wound up in knots I don't even know who I am anymore. At this point I can't deal with it and want it all to go away so I can just be me again ☹️


  15. therising
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    4 May 2021 in reply to Rachylou

    Hi Rachylou

    Sounds like you're surrounded by a lot of saboteurs. I find at times saboteurs can not only bring me down, they can be exhausting to deal with. Can be left feeling both down and thoroughly exhausted at the same time.

    Wondering if you can relate to the following: One of the things I was never raised to believe in and that is...I deserve only the best. I became great at settling and even settling for less than what I truly deserve. I've found that while it can be easier to settle than not, what I settle for can eventually become torturous and challenging in certain ways. Then I feel stuck in the torture and challenge, not always knowing how to get out of it. Cue inspiration...

    I know this may sound strange but one of my best pals/guides would have to be inspiration. If I imagined inspiration standing or sitting right beside me, what would it look and sound like at times? Being a romantic gal, sometimes I imagine it as some angelic creature with the most beautiful wings. Sometimes I imagine it as my nan who passed away many years ago. I won't bore you with the list that comes from my imagination. So, what does it sound like? What advice does it give or what challenges does it set for me? Give you a small handful of examples

    • You can't keep doing this to yourself. You need to stop it (putting myself down, settling for less etc)
    • You should not have to tolerate this behaviour from people, you need to detach from them (a big challenge at times)
    • If you need to generate more income, you need to begin seeking more income

    It's interesting the amount of people I speak to who say they also hear the word 'You' when they're seeking inspiration: 'You need to generate more income' instead of 'I need to generate more income'. It's rather quirky. I make the most of this quirk. I only pay attention to positive helpful inspiration, not the kind that says 'You know you want to slap that person'. Tempting at times :)

    In seeking inspiration for you, what comes to mind is 'Research the best business marketing companies to work for in Australia. Seek out only the best'. What also comes to mind, in regard to your husband 'Do not, under any circumstances, tolerate being degraded for one second more'. This 2nd challenge is fearful, I know. I can relate. In becoming more yourself there's a risk of losing the marriage and financial security. It is fearful and far from simple. Becoming yourself takes a lot of courage at times.

    Have you done anymore research on DSPS?

    :)

  16. Rachylou
    Rachylou avatar
    9 posts
    6 May 2021 in reply to therising

    Thanks for your reply. I haven't done any more research on DSPS. I feel like it is pointless. If I did get diagnosed with any kind of condition it wouldn't matter and he would just say it's an excuse.

    It's killing me. I need to see beyond the huge hurdle in front of me but I don't think I have the energy to get over it.

    I wish I could just walk out - that I could just get my own place, that I could support myself and my kids. If I take the kids he'll make my life hell. He's already started with the manipulation about how hurt he is and how he wants to see his kids but last Saturday he didn't want to know about them and wanted Saturdays to himself. I'm just exhausted and I truly just want the world to swallow me up. Our 13 year old is already starting to play us against each other. I just can't do this. I don't know how to even attempt to get over the hurdle.

  17. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
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    Sophie_M avatar
    5953 posts
    6 May 2021 in reply to Rachylou
    Hey Rachylou, we are so sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time and finding it hard to see your way through the hurdle in front of you. We are sure that you will be able to get some support through the forums. We also strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer 24/7 condential information, counselling and support for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The counsellors are very supportive and have a lot of experience offering advice and support to anyone who is going through this sort of very stressful situation. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or visit https://www.1800respect.org.au/
  18. therising
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    7 May 2021 in reply to Rachylou

    Hi Rachylou

    It sounds like you're living with one of the most deeply depressing people you've ever come across in your life. Sophie offers you solid advice in regard to contacting people who can relate to what you're experiencing. Finding people who can relate can be inspiring and both mind and life altering. This can prove to be the 1st most significant step on a path toward positive change and greater self love. Depression group therapy is what actually led me out of my 15 or so year battle with depression. It was those who I could relate to who made the difference to me. Before this, no one made any significant difference.

    No wonder you're exhausted. I've found depressing self serving people to be incredibly draining. They're definitely hard work. As you run around after them, trying to keep them calm (so they're not ranting at you), this can be draining. They can drain you of inspiration too. Take your DSPS research and desire for diagnosis. At first you sounded inspired to explore this. I imagine there was a great degree of enthusiasm in regard to this possibly changing your life for the better. An inspiring person would say 'You go girl! You explore this to the fullest extent!' By the way, self love is to be found in personal evolution. If someone says 'This DSPS is just some excuse for you being lazy', my question to them would be 'Why the hell are you not invested in me evolving, loving myself more to life? What the heck's your deal?!' This kind of person can also be exhausting in a whole other way. Taking a psychological crowbar to a closed mind on a regular basis can be serious hard work. It can also become depressing. I've lost count of the number of times I've tried to open my husband's mind. Even my daughter says 'Mum, give up. You know he's not going to change. You need to focus more on yourself. You deserve better'. She's a wise one :) By the way, if I'd listened to my husband's advice and criticisms, I would not have come as far as I have in life. I would not have progressed to loving myself.

    It grinds my gears when I hear people say, 'You just need to get over it', some deeply challenging hurdle. Don't you hate that. If this statement is their management plan, it's seriously lacking. If we're not masterful in managing hurdles, they can appear more like barricades.

    Consider Sophie's advice and try connecting with people who understand the nature of the hurdles you face. They may have strategies you've never considered before.

    :)

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