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Forums / Relationship and family issues / I feel guilty for moving on

Topic: I feel guilty for moving on

8 posts, 0 answered
  1. wanted_a_simple_life
    wanted_a_simple_life avatar
    51 posts
    5 August 2015

    My wife left me over six months ago and moved away with my children. I have fought to get her back and tried so hard with no success.

    I have now met someone and I actually like her, alot. She is stunning inside and out and we have connected at an emotional level and talked about our pasts.

    Even though things are great, I cant help to think guilty for moving on in my mind cause since I have met her, I havent had the desire to be with my ex wife.

    Im mainly guilty when I think about my kids and how I have given up on giving them the upbringing I had. I never imagined they would grow up in a broken family, but I have no choice in the matter.

    My ex wife has made this choice.....Am I being silly for thinking this way??

  2. white knight
    Community Champion
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    white knight avatar
    9781 posts
    6 August 2015 in reply to wanted_a_simple_life

    Hi ASL,

    silly? hell no. Self destructive- hell yeh. Normal?- most likely for a good responsible dad- yep

    I felt the same. It was my decision to leave my 1st wife. One week prior I planned my own demise and thought of my kids. "A part time dad is better than no dad at all".

    You tried really hard to a woman that made her decision. Some things in life we cant change. Others decisions is one of them. You must accept that. What is important for you is your kids. You must do everything in your lower to be a good dad to them. Even if you have a situation whereby you are shut out of their lives, be a dad on hold- forever.

    You might have challenges. My two children- the older one came to live with me and was disowned by her mother for doing that (at age 12...unforgiveable) and my youngest was brainwashed. That's the hard side of some poisonous relationships. But as long as you hold your head up high, attempt to get along with their mother in terms of communication and love them....they will usually be a part of your life.

    Yes, its hard....hang in there and those rock you are carrying....throw them in the river....don't allow your guilt to hurt your new relationship.

    Tony WK

    1 person found this helpful
  3. geoff
    Life Member
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    geoff avatar
    16487 posts
    6 August 2015 in reply to wanted_a_simple_life

    dear WSL, hi and thanks for posting your comment.

    Since your wife decided to move away and for what ever reason was a choice she made, and any effort for you to get her and the kids back went on deaf ears, so she has made this decision, but as you know you have rights to see your kids.

    You may not know why she did, but there could be the possibility there's someone else in her life, sorry to mention that, but 6 months could be the time limit of her not coming back, and if however she did, would the marriage really survive and would you be happy or would there be too many pressures, and in saying this, I'm just putting the kids aside for the moment because I know that's a good reason for wanting her to come back.

    There will financial issues that need to be discussed and visitation rights, but I haven't answered your question.

    Now that you have meet someone else in your life, good on you, and I wouldn't feel guilty, and why should you, because you tried all your best to get your wife back, but she refused, and even if this did happen, the marriage would be strained, and I don't think that it would continue.

    When your kids visit you and your lady friend, it maybe hard to begin with, but they will make up their mind, but unfortunately they will tell your wife all about her, and hopefully they will strong minded to ignore any comments made to them by your wife, because jealously may come into it.

    Take the moment and appreciate your new friend, but also make sure that you still see your kids. Geoff.

    1 person found this helpful
  4. wanted_a_simple_life
    wanted_a_simple_life avatar
    51 posts
    13 August 2015 in reply to geoff

    Thanks Geoff and Tony, yes she did cheat on me and covered everything up with a myriad of lies even invovling the children to help cover it up.

    My feelings towards my new girl are rapidly growing and I need to tell her that I feel like I could fall in love with her.

    Im starting to lose the guilty feelings, but I know I tried everything to get my family back.

    I feel my new girl might be hesitant in starting a relationship due to me being only six months out, but she shows good signs of being reciprical about her feelings.

    What should I do??

  5. white knight
    Community Champion
    • Outstanding members who have volunteered their time to support others here on the forums
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    white knight avatar
    9781 posts
    14 August 2015 in reply to wanted_a_simple_life

    Hi again,

    I had a 10 year defacto relationship with a lady. I had the common visitations with my kids- every second weekend and extended visits on school holidays. I also had an ex wife with a big chip on her shoulders that to this day...19 years after our separation, hasn't healed. So, with those experiences there are, in my opinion, two glaring issues that I recall were challenging that might assist you in your future plans.

    The first is the mother of your children. As she has not taken up any offers in the recent past of reconciliation you could use this to your advantage. Organise a meeting based on "the future of our children". Such a meeting would include the initial topic of "I've moved on a lot now and hope we can work together in terms of communication for the benefit of our kids". Suggest things like when you drop the kids off back home that you and her have a brief chat on topics like their education, where they are at with reading, and the like. This brief chat allows your children to see you both talking and believe me, in my experience it is wonderful for the kids to see there is no conflict. This meeting could also include a suggestion that just because you both are permanently separated, that you will always be the parents of your children and therefore a little bit of care for each of you isn't a crime and cant hurt. But you'll need to gauge this as the conversation continues on. One thing here though....it is really important that your ex is told that no other woman on the planet will ever replace her in your eyes.

    The second thing is observation of your new woman in your life. In my case my children 9 and 6yo at the time when she entered their lives was a nice woman but not a nurturing, cuddling type of lady with children in general. It was only a couple of years into the relationship that things starting to dawn on me that she just wanted me as her partner and not my children as part of me. Holidays to tropical areas and Uluru were organised by her without my children and interstate visits to my family never included my kids. At the time she always had the excuse that "when your daughters stop arguing they can come along". I initially took this reason as valid...it never was justified. Eventually, some 9 and a half years together this 'dislike' or intolerance of my children was the breaking point along with a couple of other issues.

    In summary, I now feel that the best step parents are also lovers of all kids.

    Tony WK

  6. wanted_a_simple_life
    wanted_a_simple_life avatar
    51 posts
    16 August 2015 in reply to white knight
    Thanks Tony, it's not an easy road to take at all. I feel she has turned my eldest daughter against me and that reall affects me to know that. I'm a real softie at heart, but what she has done is rob me of my girls.
  7. wanted_a_simple_life
    wanted_a_simple_life avatar
    51 posts
    15 September 2015 in reply to wanted_a_simple_life

    Its been seven and a half months since my wife called it quits and Im still grieving the loss of my family, I feel robbed that I wont see them grow up day to day as I was a good dad to them. I mourn when I have them, that I have let them down, but I try not to show it, but sometimes I do like on fathers day it hit me really hard that this was real.

    I still want to work things out with my ex, but she doesnt. She is turning the girls against me and playing mind games.

    Is this normal to feel this way???

  8. AdamB
    AdamB avatar
    2 posts
    20 September 2015 in reply to wanted_a_simple_life

    Hi mate. As a dad of two in a tricky situation (wife is non-monogamous, a submissive with a Dom and a prostitute), I feel your pain. Of course it's normal to grieve. WTF is normal anyway. My family is still right here yet I'm mourning. I think there are hint's of PTSD in fact. 

    Ultimately you have to get yourself out of the gameplaying. You can't mourn being a good dad if you are BEING good dad. Something for certain is that you can't UN-end a relationship and something else I've found is that there is NO value in going back anyway. Check this out too, the reasons she left are possibly still valid. What good are you doing yourself, your kids or her by beating your head against this?

    Make yourself into an even better man. See how that works out.

    The best gift you can give yourself is understanding clearly what you DO have. Your kids are still alive? They are healthy?

     Also, This new woman. What chance are you giving her by wanting to get back with your ex? That's not an attractive, manly thing to do. That's poor behaviour mate. you need to man up a bit. You've found someone great who wants you. Be a great man so your girls can see what that looks like and leave your ex to her own devices. You're both better off.

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