To try and keep this brief I met a guy at a bar he did the whole asked for my number thing and wanted to date me etc and we hooked later that night, fast forward a few weeks in and both of us decide that we aren't looking for a relationship, he decided that he wants to move back to the city and come to a conclusion to be friends instead. I later confess to him that I liked him more than just friends and asked if we could do friends with benefits thing, he replied with a small smile and said he would think about it - I even said to him that he didn't have to say yes to it or even answer that question if he didn't want to. Fast forward to a week or so later maybe and he said we can have sex , he did when we met that he is an anxious texter, can be blunt and has anxiety and bipolar (submania), I also have anxiety and can be a bit anxious with texting people too so we didn't really text each other too much. Anyway before Lock down 6.0 occurs we catch up after my shift from work this time in my car as the pub was shutting so we chatted away in my car about random things, having a good time, laughing, etc, and he kisses me a few times, during our catch up he also grabs my hand and puts it on his torso and later on his scar above his eyebrow where he was telling me about how he got it, later on he also was putting his hand on my groin near my crotch, which I was OK with since we had already done foreplay stuff with each other before so I wasn't offended by it or anything. Later that week lock down 6.0 happens, during the this period we spoke over the phone once (to which he texted me wanting to chat as he was feeling bored, which I was ok with, I didn't mind having a chat) during the convo I asked if he was still OK with the whole FWB thing as I was feeling nervous to which he replied 'yes I am OK with this, do you want me to put it in writing for you'not in a bad tone or anything, just in a normal manner. During the short time of him being here he never really texted me to initiate the FWB thing and plus with 2 lock downs happening both of us being busy with work, it didn't happen, plus me being a virgin, being nervous and not knowing how to initiate this whole thing also.

Dear Pinkflower95~

I'm sorry this relationship did not work out. I can see you were attracted to this person - something that can happen often or less so, depending on a person's nature. You explored talk in meets after you gave him your number and then both decided a relationship was not going to happen.

Please forgive me if I've made a false assumption but I suspect you suggested the Friends With Benefits option in an effort to make him more interested and start a proper relationship.

As it turned out he was not really that keen, though he did make some initial moves , then stopped.

I can understand you feeling sad and embarrassed, and a feeling of loss as there were times when he seemed to understand your feelings.Sadly you simply weren't right for each other. It happens a lot.

Any decent relationship takes two peole who feel for each other and want to look after them. Sex is of course is there too, but fundamentally it is an equal partnership.

This does not happen all the time, and on those occasions when you feel something might come of a meeting I guess you have to take a risk - as does the other person. So it takes a little bravery to open up to another and for you to both talk of your feelings. If it works out then that risk was small in comparison to what you gain -a loving partner.

So please keep on trying, not with offers of FWB, but simply be being yourself, seeing the other person cares, and care yourself. All the rest will follow.

Patience and courage.

Croix

Thanks for your reply, at the time I asked him of the FWB thing it was because I felt safe with him and he knew I was a virgin so I knew it wasn't an issue for him (or perhaps so I thought, I don't know what to think anymore) I just wanted my virginity gone so it is not hanging over my head with dating (even though I can still find a random stranger to do it with) and I felt comfortable doing so with him. I don't know why but I.had a lot.of anxiety when I had that convo with him, like a lump in my throat kinda thing and if I didn't act on it I wouldv'e regretted it, but perhaps I shouldv'e sat with that anxiety for a bit longer and sought more advice from other people and just let it pass and forgot about it. I feel so stupid, I have no idea how sex works, clearly he does so perhaps that is why he cut ties with me. Perhaps I shouldv'e stated why I wanted to the FWB in the first place (to lose my virginity and get it over and done with) although I did say to 'get it over with' but it couldv'e been taken another way. Perhaps you are right in saying that I felt hopes of it developing into something, even though I completely understood and accepted what he meant in not wanting a relationship and understood. I wasn't holding that against him or anything. I feel really dumb as I usually don't make decisions so quickly, i usually sit with a decision and seek more advice but perhaps it was the anxiety and not sleeping thing that made motivated me. I feel hurt that I caused him to feel offended and wish I could explain myself but he blocked me but at the same time maybe it was for the best that it ended that way. It is still fresh so who knows what to think. If he didn't want ti do it then that is fine, he couldv'e told me, if he didn't to be friends than he couldv'e told me, if he didn't want to see me at the pub then he couldv'e just said so. I wouldn't of cared although I no doubt wouldv'e felt a bit sad deep down but I wouldv'e respected his decision and let it be. Why couldn't he just tell me?? I have so many thoughts and an confused about everything my feelings included and also feel hurt and humiliated

I don't know how this stuff works and I really shouldv'e sought more advice than what I did(stupid me, I'm so dumb and naiive). I hate myself

He never gave me a definitive answer if he didn't want to do it. Fast forward to this week I hear that he is leaving to head back to the city, we agree to catch up and I ask him in a nervous tone (as I been nervous which I mentioned to him during our convos) if we can do this FWB to which he nervously laughs a little, me thinking he is just laughing at me for being nervous not thinking he is brushing it off. I later ask if he would be ok with condoms being used to which he replies, 'yeah I was
thinking of we should probably use them' I will take care of it, etc.
Later that night he texts me an excuse to say that he needs a rain check and that he can't do it, I reply thanks for letting me know and if
would tomorrow be ok? I then never get a response and find out he has blocked me. I don't know what I did wrong but I know I did something wrong. Why couldn't he just tell me if he never wanted to do this in first instance? I spent weeks on end feeling nervous and anxious about this is going to work and waiting but when I ask him he tells me he was ok with it and on another occasion he kisses me in my car?? I feel so stupid and I didn't mean to hurt any ones feelings and ruin a friendship
(we had good convos together and told me some good things about me, for the first time in my life I felt that I was understood by a person and that we had common ground)

I feel confused and hurt and want to never face the world due to my stupidity and naivety

Hello Pinkflower, sometimes you don't even think about getting advice when you're caught up in a situation, and when you're apart you may have other thoughts that you believe you need to deal with and want to keep private.

Geoff.

Hi pinkflower95,

I hope you are okay sounds like a really hard time emotionally. I just wanted to say not to feel stupid or naïve. You did nothing wrong, you were direct about what you felt like doing and there is nothing silly or stupid in what you asked.

I know that sex is not something you know much about or have experience in but there is nothing strange about that. It sounds like you are trying to get it over and done with but just remember that there is also nothing wrong with just waiting until the right opportunity presents itself, you don't need to force anything. Of course this is your decision in how you want to go about it but I just want to reassure you, you are also great just the way you are!

Perhaps the reason you might feel confused is because he is not really being straight with you. Unfortunately I have been confused by many a man! and its always because I am left trying to figure out what they are thinking because they are not being open and communicative. There could be a million reasons why. It may however mean that you cant continue with that kind of arrangement with someone that is confusing you or that you feel is not being honest. I think FWB arrangement may require that. How do you feel?

I hope you are feeling okay today.

Love

Pumps

Our biological urges can make us say and do some pretty impulsive things - love is an incongruous mix of selfishness and selflessness as our physical needs shout down perspective and awareness of our own actions and the sensitivities of others.

If you have done something silly, you most certainly won't have been the first (or the last), so cut yourself a break and use your experience to build confidence - anything done from FOMO will usually carry an aura of desperation (and some feelings of being used).
There are so many signals involved during attachments which override anything we try to convey with our limited means. Perhaps a little impetuous, but no need to hate yourself or cease trying.

To help process your thoughts, replay what transpired with roles reversed. How would you have responded/felt in this situation?
Always remember that 'lump in your throat' - it is trying to tell you something is not quite as it should be.

Thanks for your response. I think I was projecting desperation unto him and I wasn't aware that I was doing this, or perhaps maybe I was aware?? As I look back. How can I be so stupid and why am I desperate?

Maybe you're being a little too harsh on yourself.

All these lockdowns, workplace stressors, and the prospect of departure, can find you cutting corners in the usual romance/courting facade to just 'make a space' instead of letting things build naturally to where you can both feel comfortable. That's where this sense of urgency might send the wrong messages - 'hey, I'm not desperate, but we all have deadlines to meet so let's get a move on, huh?'

Come to think of it, he sounded like a nice guy - the fact that you weren't taken advantage of and then left stranded NC, suggests his intentions were noble (notwithstanding shabby on the communication - guilt, embarrassment, timing, finding the right words?). I think you picked up on that too which would only compound any sense of impetus to lock in a connection - yep, I can understand that.

Blocking suggests he feels bad also, and can't face the situation... at the moment. Who knows, this may only be a hiccup along the path to something more meaningful? Keep an open mind free from blame and carry on with your life - things work out, and sometimes they don't. And then, some things are out of your control and not a result of anything you do.

Looking back there may've been subtle signs that he was indicating no that I didn't twig to or that I didn't understand. One of my close co workers mentioned to me to not worry about it and to find someone else and to not stress about it, why couldn't I just let it go?? Why was I so hung up about it? I think perhaps in the past when I have felt anxious about things that I have had to do or felt I that had an expectation to do I felt the same way. My parents have been noticing that I was/am acting secretive and had/ have a constant worried look on my face, I of course haven't been able to tell them (anyone else for that matter) anything/ don't feel comfortable doing so as I have had a bit of a strict upbringing so nothing about boys is ever mentioned to them. Part of me hopes I never see him again (and I'm sure he feels the same way if not worse, get revenge etc) as I have hurt/upset him and would not be able to deal with the hurt that I have caused. I kinda hope he never returns. I wouldn't be surprised if he has told my co workers what he thinks of me and has probably spread rumours about me, I'm kinda glad lockdown is in place now to actually be away from the place.

Hi pinkflower95,

It can be really difficult to read these situations so please don’t beat yourself up about it. You weren’t stupid or naive etc, you liked this guy and wanted to lose your virginity, but I think your desire to get it over and done with may have inadvertently made him feel pressured or nervous, and hence his reluctance. You can’t force these things, I would suggest finding someone who you are attracted to and whose company you enjoy and become intimate when it feels right. I understand that you probably feel a bit anxious about it yourself and hence your desire to get it over and done with, but there’s no rush, and it would be better to have an enjoyable experience with someone who you are into.

Thanks for everyones responses. I have been finding these forums beneficial for me (rather than journalling as it just leaves me more confused, lost and wound up, I am finding talking it out slowly is helping me to gain a bit of clarity) to work out my thoughts, feelings and to get a clearer picture of what may've occured. I do appreciate everyones time and effort they took to respond and I apologise for making anyone feel distressed or uncomfortable or any other way for that manner, I have had a really hard time trying to unpack and process my thoughts and feelings as you can tell. It was never my intention to hurt, make him feel uncomfortable or upset - it is the last thing on Earth I ever wanted. I really did value our friendship, we got along fine, similar sense of humour and for the first time I felt I was understood and he could see my strengths. He told me that I had a strong heart and I was an effective communicator (which he told me he wasn't and often used alcohol to overcome that as he is shy introverted and was bullied at school - I myself am shy, introverted and was also bullied at school) even if I couldn't see it myself, he told me I was loud, funny and outspoken which I became with him as I felt comfortable with him. He told me that I was capable in achieving my goals and told me I had the right tools in me to do it. He also told me that there would be plenty of guys out there dying to get with me, he even said nicer ones then him and that I was beautiful. For the first time I actually started to believe in myself more (I have been seeing a counsellor for last 7 months or so for self esteem, confidence and have been working hard over these months to try and get there) I guess I am grieving in a way that I could cause someone to become upset and that I caused them hurt. It was never ever my intention to do this, if I could turn back the clock I wouldv'e done things differently believe me. I wish I could fix this but I think it is broken beyond repair. I feel cut up and distraught. If I heard the words 'No' from him (a clear answer) and knew how sex worked I wouldv'e backed off but I've been feeling anxious and nervous for weeks and I couldn't really talk to anyone about it, I dunno I had a bit going on and there was times where I did say I was nervous and anxious to him during a few of our chats. I had poor communication here also. Perhaps as this incident is still kinda fresh maybe I am still processing and working out what happened

Where possible (beyond our current environment), enjoy the company of friends and colleagues in social situations - everyone knows someone who knows someone, and there is an inbuilt protection system within strong social circles to respect and look out for one another (word of mouth is a powerful safety net). You'll start to learn more about how others interact, what works, what doesn't, and something will eventually click.

It's more about being yourself and relishing company - interest comes from those who pick up on your personality and mannerisms, but equally what you see in others. There needs to be some seed of attraction (other than flattering words or the prospects of sex) on which to build, explore, discover (even in fleeting encounters).

Bars and nightclubs are a bit of a marketplace (and there's always a fair share of unscrupulous traders!) - not really for the faint hearted or inexperienced, especially when going solo. Best to take a friend for back up or the occasional voice of reason as required.

As with all personal exploits, risk is ever present; and to play the game, you must roll the dice. Above all, respect yourself enough to recognise that the qualities of your virtues outweigh the net value of your assets.

I work in a bar/ bistro in order to overcome my shyness and quietness, I have only been there 6 months or so on a once a week basis as I have another job, that is the only reason we met in the first place, I certainly didn't intend for any romance to happen at all (but perhaps I should've realised that is what happens when you hang at a country pub, I'm sorry that I seem to be too stubborn to change for my own good and undertake a sport instead to meet better people) I was only making conversation with him when we first as I was on a break and had to kill time. I have been told all my life to "stop being quiet" so I push myself to make conversation with people in the bar to help me overcome my shyness but apparently I have no trouble at all at socialising (just all in my head apparently), just the making connections part and expanding my network. I'm sorry that I can't do anything right in my life. All I wanted was a stable job to be able to buy a house and be independent and not have a million people tell me that I need to get a bf, and that it is not good to 'end up alone' oh and the don't leave it too long, no one is going to want you'. Why can't I be normal??

Hm, interesting application of aversion therapy for social inhibition, but that takes care of my misunderstanding - thank you, it didn't seem to add up, all things considered.

I was a muso for the dining pleasure of clients, and invariably had conversations with patrons who felt compelled to have a chat - some informative, others barely intelligible.
Without being standoffish, maintaining 'professional courtesy' and distance is necessary for sense of purpose and to avoid 'mingling'. It's a job after all, despite the allure of the surroundings in which you (or I) can end up being part of the attraction - good for business, I guess, but there's nothing personal, nothing real in the light of day (Do you feel that could have factored into your situation?).

Pay no heed to what expectations are overlaid, impressed upon, guilted, or justified as 'what people do'. You have your own roadmap to follow - that is real, unexplored, waiting to be discovered. Just try to listen to it a bit more?
BTW, you have nothing to be sorry for - you are giving it your best shot.

tranzcrybe said:

Hm, interesting application of aversion therapy for social inhibition, but that takes care of my misunderstanding - thank you, it didn't seem to add up, all things considered.

I was a muso for the dining pleasure of clients, and invariably had conversations with patrons who felt compelled to have a chat - some informative, others barely intelligible.
Without being standoffish, maintaining 'professional courtesy' and distance is necessary for sense of purpose and to avoid 'mingling'. It's a job after all, despite the allure of the surroundings in which you (or I) can end up being part of the attraction - good for business, I guess, but there's nothing personal, nothing real in the light of day (Do you feel that could have factored into your situation?).

Pay no heed to what expectations are overlaid, impressed upon, guilted, or justified as 'what people do'. You have your own roadmap to follow - that is real, unexplored, waiting to be discovered. Just try to listen to it a bit more?
BTW, you have nothing to be sorry for - you are giving it your best shot.

Hi Tranzcrybe,

Thanks again for your response and for taking the time to reply back to me, it means a huge deal to me as I try to process my emotions and what has occurred and realise the mistake/s that I've made, however would it be possible if you were able to please re-word your last post for me? I didn't quite understand it - I am a bit confused by what you mean and are trying to say.

Hello. You know as well as I we cannot really undo what has been done. Similarly, I know and due to my perfectionism, when I make a mistake I think the whole world will see it. And yet the reality is otherwise. The only person in my cases who notice are generally myself and ???

Rhetorical question - who else knows? And for those who know, if they told you this story how might you reply.

From my psychologist... A mistake is an opportunity for learning.

And we do things with hopes and dreams and with the information at the time. You are only human. Now, how you approach the next relationship is your choice.

Finally, many inventions were the result of mistakes. And There is a kid's book on this topic. You will be surprised how a donut came into existence.

Listening to you.

Gee, I'm glad I left off the other two pages!
Can you be more specific? Rewording could distort the message even more, so I'd need to know how you interpret the confusing bits in order to offer any clarification (or affirmation). I guess it depends more on what you draw from your own experience in the context of any observations I make from the information supplied.

Sure thing, I am unaware of what you mean by 'aversion therapy to social inhibition'. I have never heard of this term and don't know what it means.

The part about being 'a muso for the dining pleasure of clients'. I'm assuming you mean that you enjoy talking with patrons and making them feel welcome and making conversations - would I be correct in saying that?

I am not sure about the part about being in the 'allure of the surroundings' - I'm assuming being in the spotlight for people under the influence of alcohol? And how they tend to behave and act around others (say inappropriate things, be flirtatious, sleezy, etc to wait staff and other patrons? Also the part about 'nothing personal, nothing real in the light of day' I don't understand what you mean by this

You should like someone who is intelligent and well educated but I feel the way you have written is a bit hard for me to understand.

Only a close co worker of mine knows most of what happened as she was there when we first met and I have been speaking with her for advice throughout this situation. She told me that even if people do find out, 'so what, who cares' you know that kinda thing, 'you have nothing to be ashamed of as such'. I'm not sure yet how I would reply if people found out, probably say something along the lines of it just didn't work out, etc. I'm still working that out and processing my mistake

Hey. Your friend is mostly right. Depending on your experiences it may not sit right with you. For myself a couple of years ago I would struggle if someone told me that. In a talk by Brene Brown she said she had a small sheet of paper with the names of those who opinions mattered. If you were not on the list your opinion does not matter.

Yeah I kinda get what she is saying and I am trying to grasp onto that concept and hold my head up high, carry on with life as really who cares and besides what happened isn't anyones business, however it is easier for me to say that now whilst I'm not back at work at the pub (as far as I and my close co worker are aware no one else knows about it, unless rumours have been spread by him after the incident but who knows) I haven't heard anything yet and no one has really been at work anyway. I am kinda paranoid about what people think of me and if a bad word gets back to my family

Thanks for helping out. I hope this clarifies any confusion...

aversion therapy - receiving negative stimulus while doing something you enjoy. Although on your break, the environment was still workplace oriented. This can influence behaviours to blur the lines to social interaction. Any negative feedback can adversely affect your desire to overcome shyness if boundaries are unclear.

muso - musician/entertainment industry. Entertainers engage with their audiences to ensure a good time is had by all; but it is all part of the show. Any interaction is premised on the ambience and mood of the evening. On some level, this applies to all hospitality providers.

Hence, nothing personal/real - How people perceive me as performer (or you in your role) may have nothing to do with who I am in daily life. It can be a little deflating to revert to 'everyday joe', but it is reality (and who I prefer to be). That is part of the allure I mentioned - and, yes, the behaviours you refer to can put you in the firing line for some confronting encounters.

I think as I am starting to feel somewhat better, taking time out for myself and reflecting further on the events that happened I think I'm starting to realise that I could've had a bit more conversation and initiative to organise it, "hey are you still up for this thing? - If so, can we organise a time, etc, whilst he was in town" and I should've followed up also after this discussion, however that would've taken a great deal of courage from me to do that - it wasn't an easy conversation for me to have initially when I told him how I felt about him and asking him if we could do FWB so for me to initiate organising it wouldv'e really killed me, plus I was never sure on the timing (when was a good time really? Busy work schedules, etc. Me being scared but wanting it to happen with him, I did like him) I am bad at texting and so was he and I didn't want to disturb him so I didn't really mention it to much just kinda waited and sorta leaving it to him for it to happen - a rookie mistake! He also admitted that he is not an effective communicator and that he could've taken a bit more initiative also at times, however that was when it was too late and in within the last few days of him leaving, he did say to me "it is what it is" which at the time I never really understood what he meant and didn't twig to ask what he was saying. I can see why he resorted to blocking me and responding to me in those text messages the way he did when I asked about if it was ok for condoms to be used - he was being sarcastic and I obviously hadn't gotten the hint by then that it wasn't going to happen.

I kinda feel even worse, feel even more stupid and embarassed. I honestly don't want to be alive due to my blindness and my lack of initiative. I feel sick and don't want to be alive, I am an embarassment of a human being.

It sounds like your friend cares about you so I doubt they would tell anyone about it?

And we all do things that we might regret. Believe me, I have. This was back in my highschool days... But I did it as a way of trying to fit in. The best of intentions.

You had your reasons. And you are human. There will be a time when it will be a distant memory. And it doesn't define you as a person.

No she is not the type to tell anyone/ everyone. I have told her some personal things about my life and so has she about her life. She has been a good ear so far and a good co worker

Thanks for your clarification, it clears up my confusion on your post. The below paragraph that you mentioned in your post did strike up something for me though;

Pay no heed to what expectations are overlaid, impressed upon, guilted, or justified as 'what people do'. You have your own roadmap to follow - that is real, unexplored, waiting to be discovered. Just try to listen to it a bit more?
BTW, you have nothing to be sorry for - you are giving it your best shot.

This is the part that I am having trouble with, I have been in therapy for the last 7 months or so to help raise my self esteem and anxiety issues. I have always had the mindset of 'you're not good enough', 'you need to try harder' or 'why can't I do xyz...' I experienced bullying in school and then when I entered the workforce I faced some harsh criticism like 'you need confidence to be able to do that job', 'you're not suitable for this job', etc. I would always be told to 'stop being quiet', to be confident, to make more friends, go out and do a hobby, etc. Hence why I have pushed myself to work in customer facing type roles (reception, retail and hospitality) I don't mind these jobs and I have/do enjoy them but they are not my future career (who knows?) to help me not be shy. I have always felt that I 'needed to be fixed' in order to be able to make friends, to be able to get a bf and to be able to secure a somewhat stable job to be able to qualify for a house loan. I have always felt that there was something wrong with me, but again I am only 26 y/o and have had a sheltered upbringing (naiive) so I don't really understand the world out there and what I have to offer it. I am so confused and scared about what to do with my life and feel that I will run out of time to be able to one day get married and have children, but again I am sure that is how everyone feels in life (like they have no idea what they are doing and feeling extremely scared at times). I need help trying to listen to my own heart with following my path

Nothing wrong with diving into a chilly pool - another thing entirely when being pushed!
Your life objectives are perfectly sound but they won't determine an outcome in themselves. Perhaps if this is overwhelming your thoughts, it may be limiting receptiveness to simply enjoying the company of others without conditions or supposition.
Most things drop into place when we relinquish control. Sometimes we neither dive nor get pushed - we just end up falling face first without a clue as to how or why, only to discover that it was never really our choice in the first place.

Is it possible for someone to be in denial about rejection? Perhaps that is why I couldn't let it go when my friend said to not worry about it?? Like i couldn't understand as I didn't want to face any rejection from him?? Its kinda the only possibility as I reflect back and put myself in his shoes. Sorry I am in lockdown, have too much time on my hands, am embarassed about what happened and am nervous about returning to work as it is a reminder about what happened and have been overthinking stuff in my life but I need answers as I feel I haven't learnt from my mistake here