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Forums / Relationship and family issues / Im scared of going back to despair again.

Topic: Im scared of going back to despair again.

16 posts, 0 answered
  1. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    117 posts
    26 April 2022

    Hi my best wishes to everyone.

    Ive had a very traumatic weekend . My partner of 18 months has ended our relationship. I know that we have problems. I have been heavily involved in my football club it has been like my family as i dont have any that i see. My girlfriend struggles with my need to see my friends and we just dont seem to have that common ground. Im scared of being alone again but i need my friends and interest outside of our relationship. Ive tried to be a good partner and help wherever i can and include my partner with my outside interests. I think that the two years of covid and the isolation has caused me to be needy. I dont know what to do or where to turn. Things are spiralling for me. I am hating my job as its very negative and there are a lot of unhappy people there. I have been there for about 13 years. I have been in a very bad space after previous relationship breakups and im so scared of going there again. I have leant heavily on friends and im scared if i do it again it might scare them away. Thank you for reading my post. I would be open to any ones thoughts and suggestions. Brett.

  2. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16437 posts
    26 April 2022 in reply to Beaser

    Hello Brett, it's understansable that if your r/lationship has ended then perhaps it's going to affect how you will think about whether or not you are going to like your job, this may only be temporary.

    There may be a problem in that you like spending time with your football mates at the club rather than with your g/friend and this could be why she has left you.

    I am not criticising you at all, just pointing out something that could be important in being able to hold her, as she may not be a football fan.

    Your friends have obviously been a good support and friendship but they can't give you what your girlfriend can offer, I know these are different issues, but a girlfriend is where you start to build your life with, whereas your mates are for companionship.

    Are you able to contact her again and suggest a week end away.

    Best wishes.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  3. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    117 posts
    26 April 2022 in reply to geoff
    Hi Geoff and thank you. I think your right when things like a relationship breakdown occurs it makes everything else seem a lot worse. Just on your suggestion to make contact. I’ve decided it might be best to leave it for a bit as I think she needs some breathing space. Maybe I do too I understand too that relationship s. And friends are different. I just think that you need to balance it. We just don’t seem to have a common ground with things. Brett
  4. day1startsnow
    day1startsnow avatar
    11 posts
    27 April 2022 in reply to Beaser

    Hi Brett,

    sorry to hear of your relationship break down. I can relate to this happening to me recently.

    It is a confusing time post-breakup, filled with emotions. I have found spending time with friends to be amazing. You mentioned you have friends that have supported you before -true friends will support you through the good and bad times, I do not think they would it would scare them away by you asking for their support. I hope you are ok! - Ash

    1 person found this helpful
  5. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    117 posts
    28 April 2022 in reply to day1startsnow

    Hi Ash. Thank you for your reply and kind reply.

    I am finding it all so hard at the moment. Things like do i make contact or leave it for awhile. Am i better off just getting through each day and trying to move on . I spoke to my phycologist two days ago . Im trying to function as normal but i feel so weighed down with life at the moment. Thank you..... Brett .

    1 person found this helpful
  6. geoff
    Life Member
    • Life membership is awarded by beyondblue for providing outstanding peer support to the online community over a period of 3+ years.
    • A member of beyondblue's blueVoices community
    geoff avatar
    16437 posts
    28 April 2022 in reply to Beaser

    Hello Brett, if you don't have a common ground that's not so bad, just as long as you can accept what each other wants to do, for example, she may like going to op shops, whereas you don't want to go with her, there isn't anything wrong with that, or you want to go the footy, while she'd prefer to go to a girlfriend's place, having your own interests can keep a partnership together.

    It's also ok to give her some breathing space, we all need this for any or a specific reason, and she may come back learning from this experience.

    Take it easy.

    Geoff.

    2 people found this helpful
  7. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2816 posts
    28 April 2022 in reply to Beaser

    Hi Brett

    I feel for you so much as you face this deeply challenging time. It's a truly horrible feeling, when you can feel yourself on the brink of falling back into depression. Can be an experience of mixed emotions, including disappointment, fear, desperation, sadness, confusion etc.

    COVID lockdowns, grrr. Being a Melbourne gal and having managed to raise myself out of depression some years back, the lockdowns were tough. By the time we entered into the 2nd I was on a rant to my 19yo daughter and 16yo son about how I couldn't manage another. Little did I know we had plenty more to come. With the lockdowns there was a lot of soul searching. Wondering 'How can I manage the lack of excitement, the lack of adventure, the lack of mental stimulation, freedom, community contact and so on led to a lot of revelations. One of those 'Suppressing our nature, especially long term, can become depressing' and another involved waking up to what's so desperately needed in order to really feel a connection to life. I think life beyond lockdowns triggered a kind of quest for a lot of people. On any significant quest there can be a lot of questions such as

    • Who brings me the most joy? I imagine you found it was your friends
    • What leads me to feel excitement on a level where I can really feel it? Meeting with groups of high vibing people will often do the trick, if that's the kind of energy we're looking for
    • Who leads me to openly vent and/or explore challenges on a constructive level, whether that simply involves stress release or problem solving? A friendly group of open minded people who can have a bit of a laugh at the insanity of life at times can work

    The list goes on when it comes to such a soulful quest.

    I found, on such a quest, I moved more toward certain people and, in turn, away from my husband. The following's not a criticism, simply an observation - He admits he's not big on adventure, excitement, open minded wonderful conversations and he's more a low viber, often stating 'I'm so tired' yet doing nothing to change that. At only 55, he simply chooses to declare 'It's just a part of getting old'.

    Sounds like your friends may have offered you exactly what you needed. Did you gravitate toward them too much, based on a lack of something in the relationship? That's something only you can answer. Sounds like you're fully waking up to how soul destroying your job is, which I can relate to myself. Finding the courage and energy to change our job can be a challenge :)

    1 person found this helpful
  8. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    117 posts
    28 April 2022 in reply to therising
    Thank you for your great reply. Its so well put together and pretty much accurate.Yes i have realised how much my work is affecting my life. Im applying for jobs and if im not successful i might even jump ship. I have built up some long service and AL so i have a bit of a buffer. Yes the Victorian lockdowns were so tough on us and its hard to just snap out of such a crap two years. And yes my friends do provide an outlet that perhaps i have missed. Im trying to not make any contact with my partner as i think its best for us both . As they say sometimes you need to get yourself right. If its meant to be i think it will work out for us . Thank you again. Happy to chat more Brett
  9. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    117 posts
    29 April 2022 in reply to therising
    Thanks again for that great reply. Sorry if my reply yesterday seemed a bit sloppy as i had to head out however i wanted to reply to your message. Im just trying to get through each day at the moment . I have managed to not make any contact with my "maybe" ex as i think its the best way . Friday today so thats a good thing. My work is really getting me down i definitely need to change something . You mentioned that you went through something similar i was wondering how you managed to go about things if you felt like talking about it . Please feel free to ask anything
    1 person found this helpful
  10. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    117 posts
    12 May 2022
    Just dont now where to turn. Ive been ringing the Beyond Blue help line and spoken to counsellors and they have been fantastic but i quickly go back again after our chats. I have an appt with a Dr today i cant get into see my regular one I split up with my partner of 18 months and am so lonely if im honest things never seemed quite right between us . So is it just that im lonely and was i in it for the wrong reasons.Im 56 and feel all washed up .Im off work for the week ive applied for a new job but at the moment i dont think i could handle such a change.. I really dont know how to handle things at the moment...Would anyone have any ideas or encouragement. I wish everyone a happy day . Brett
  11. therising
    Valued Contributor
    • A special award for members who go above and beyond to support others here on the forums
    therising avatar
    2816 posts
    12 May 2022 in reply to Beaser

    Hi Brett

    Don't know how I managed to miss your posts. Wish I'd seen them earlier. I truly feel for you, having to face this deeply challenging time in your life.

    It's taken me years to work myself out to this point and I know I've still I've got a lot to learn. I've learned what a lot of my triggers are, both good and bad. I've worked out one of my biggest involves constructively managing my imagination and I've worked out that I'm a gal who's a major 'feeler', someone who tends to feel/sense so much. I've also worked out that a serious lack of energy, for me, can pose both physical and mental health problems. There's much more but I've chosen to pick the 3 biggies.

    Imagination can range from imagining the smallest of things, like what time we might break for lunch, through to imagining an entirely new course in life. With the latter, I've found I can't function without a plan. I can have a day where I confidently imagine all the ways in which I need to reform myself but I typically end up going off track, based on a number of reasons. The plan becomes a reference or 'a map' (with detail) to help me navigate, otherwise I end up getting lost. When lost, the darker thoughts can begin to take over my course, such as 'I don't know what I'm doing or where I'm going', 'I'm hopeless' etc. I can then imagine what I think to be true. In my imagination, I will see myself being stuck forever in what brings me down. Not good. A map/plan is a reminder, helping to keep the imagination on track.

    The ability to feel so much comes with challenges. While it's great to be able to feel positively excited, on the flip side we can also feel all the things that can bring us down. To figure out what we're feeling and why we're feeling it is a part of 'feeling out way through life'. I've found the ability to feel must be accompanied by the ability to analyse constructively, otherwise we're doing nothing but feeling which can become depressing at times. A balance of the 2 might sound like 'I feel the need to end my relationship. Why? It feels depressing and I've spoken to my partner about this. They don't care'. A partner who doesn't care about our ability to feel what's depressing is not the best.

    We're designed to live energetically. When our battery's low and we're happy to relax and recharge, that's good. When it's low through pure exhaustion and we're not recharging in constructive ways where we can really feel it, life can just feel 'numb' and that can get depressing.

    1 person found this helpful
  12. Sophie_M
    Community Moderator
    • Works for beyondblue moderating these forums
    Sophie_M avatar
    6814 posts
    12 May 2022 in reply to Beaser
    Dear Beaser,

    We understand that you are struggling after the end of your 18 month relationship. It sounds like you are now feeling very lonely, and even though you are thinking about changing jobs, you are really wanting the stability of remaining where you are. This is quite understandable as the current job at least continues to be a constant in a currently unstable world.

    It sounds to us like you are grieving the loss of your relationship. This is the perfect time to call the counsellors at Beyond Blue, 1300 22 4636 (as you have been), or the counsellors at Lifeline 13 1114, especially whilst waiting for your GP appointment.

    As you start working through the grief of the relationship's end, you might consider looking at what you want from a partner and a relationship. And, we encourage you to remember both the things you liked, and the things you didn't like, from this relationship. having better understanding may help when you might be ready to start looking for a new relationship.

    Remember that we are here for you.

    Warm regards,

    Sophie M.
     
    1 person found this helpful
  13. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    117 posts
    12 May 2022 in reply to therising

    Thank you The Rising ..

    I appreciate your honesty and thoughtful reply . Im certainly feeling the numbness you speak of ... I will be honest with a few things about my relationship one being that at times i wasnt happy and i didnt feel like she was very comforting at times to me when i was stressed with things like sudden covid lockdowns . There were also a couple of times when she recieved messages from past guys one being from Tinder that she had been intimate with . This happened in front of me and she new it upset me . I know the messages were incoming to her but it still upset me. Am i being too precious or jealous. Imentioned this to her yesterday and she got a bit angry now i feel bad about that .After the messages i got what i believe to be retrospective jealosy and it just consumed me to the point she noticed i was pre occupied with something, maybe i need help on that one . She has a busy life with her elderly father to care for and a small farm to run, i understand this is a lot and i tried my best to help. She also would not ever let me tell her i loved her because she said she didnt want to get hurt ,i found this strange . I think maybe the best thing is to leave her be and if she wants she knows i would love to hear from her .I just dont know . Did i do the wrong thing in mentioning the Tinder thing i just dont know . Brett

  14. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    117 posts
    12 May 2022 in reply to Sophie_M

    Thank you Sophie.

    I appreciate your reply.. I have been using the Beyond Blue line a few times. I just dont want to out do my welcome. You are right there were things that i both liked and disliked in our relationship.

    Thanks again Brett .

  15. Beaser
    Beaser avatar
    117 posts
    13 May 2022
    Trying to do some positives for my self went out and worked/ volunteered at my footy club last night so that got me around some friends. Also im going to try and cut back on caffeine. Ive heard of people doing that and having it help . Wishing everyone a happy day . Brett
  16. Nige_S_E
    Nige_S_E avatar
    8 posts
    13 May 2022 in reply to Beaser

    Hi Brett,

    Sounds like a really tough time for you, it's totally understandable to be having all these mixed up emotions and feel lost etc. A relationship breakdown can make it feel like the rug has been pulled out from under you, not pleasant. I went through a divorce some years back and can really relate to what's going on for you, first thing - it will get better. I know it doesn't feel like it, but these things do pass. Do you play an instrument ? I took up guitar when it all turned upside down for me - I found that as I tried to learn songs and chords etc I had to concentrate on it so much I just forgot about my troubles for hours at a time. Course, I just learnt a pile of sad songs to start but that helps get the emotion out. It doesn't have to be a guitar but I would encourage you to learn something new and challenging, it'll help stop the head miles - it's so easy to get lost in the round and round thoughts you need to break the cycle. Exercise - last thing you feel like probably but get a sweat up and watch your happy hormones rise. None of this actually changes the circumstance but it will help, it's really important to learn to be happy with yourself and not need someone else to make you happy. You're ok, it's tough but keep telling yourself you're ok, even if you don't feel it. You're value doesn't come from someone else, it's all you. All the best with it mate.

    Nige.

    1 person found this helpful

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