Big thanks to Harlow88, Dadmeister, Petal22, and Sleepy 21 for your recent replies.
Dadmeister, I'm sorry to hear of your situation- it feels like a betrayal, doesn't it? I feel like for 22 years I have known this person, and suddenly they are a stranger to me. He is wanting to take our marriage places that I am uncomfortable with, and that hurts because I thought he was supposed to care for me and protect me. Instead, he is the one inflicting hurt. Perhaps he was always like this, and that makes me feel stupid for not seeing it earlier, and for wasting so much of my life with him.
Which brings me to your comment Harlow88- that this is a blessing. I am almost ashamed to admit it, but there is a part of me that is relieved that we are at this point of discovery. Perhaps it is a blessing. I cannot walk this road with him anymore, not without significant hurt to myself/my moral 'code'. I feel it, I almost begin to dream of the future and the possibilities where I can be loved for who I am, and then I find myself on the floor crying because I am grieving so hard.
And, Dadmeister. You mention your wife had an emotional affair. I 100% believe that this is what my husband is doing. It started 18 months ago, I jerked back hard on it, we fought, and he decided our marriage was over (though took 12 months to tell me so- in that time I thought we were 'working through' stuff). It guts me that he would choose this direction, it almost feels like he is throwing away everything we have built together. I guess he is. And, I guess it's his choice. The bottom line is that he has found someone he loves, and it isn't me. That hurts so profoundly.
And Sleepy21, yes, he already decided 12 months ago to separate. But only just recently told me. To him, it's over. To me, I am shell shocked and devastated. I have been fighting hard for our marriage, but it's only now that I have given up hope, and no longer put in the effort. I unwanted, unloved by him, and that just is what it is. It's hard though, because with the knowledge that we are over, what is my motivator to keep doing anything for/with him? I guess loyalty, being a decent person. But ironing his clothes makes me feel like I am hugging an enemy. Having sex? Yeah, let's not go there.
I appreciate everyone who has reminded me that I exist, that I am worthy. I can see how easy it is to get swallowed up by the pain. I feel used. I feel like I've lost 22 years of my life. I feel it's unfair. Maybe one day I'll be loved..