Forgot to mention.

This is really weird , but my daughters tried to pair me off with her friends mums 3 times in the last mth. l dunno whether to laugh cough or cry , but it's kinda cute, kinda funny.

And of course l've said ahhh , darlin , for a start , l'm still with gf anyway l can't just bounce off onto someone else - she thinks l should dump it and see where we're at after her craps over. So l'm getting match made "and",,,,, cancelled too, by my daughter these days , there's one for ya.

But do kids not understand love and commitment these days ? Yet she loves gf and they get along really really well . But still , the throw away world and mentality it has become eh.

rx

Hi rx,

that’s a bit cute!
I would hazard a guess that she sees you on your own, and hears some of your inner turmoil, and just wants you to be happy.

That’s easier said than done!

that’s lovely tho isn’t it! She obviously thinks you’ve got a lot to offer.

Not easy to give up on ppl. I’m trying to focus on what the problems really are, in my r/ship, what is mine, what’s his, what can change, what must be accepted.
You might be doing a similar thing.
Although at the base of it, I guess we all really consider the base line commitment. And if you’re getting mixed messages rx, then that’s gotta make the process harder.
If you feel like you’re carrying the weight of the relationship, then it’s understandable you’re getting tired, periodically, and need a break just to clear your head.
Hope you’re looking after you, rx, and listening to your body’s cues.

Cheers,

J*

Haaa , yeah l'm a good catch haha, d knows that.

Of course she wants me happy but as l tell her just bc your not paired off or in our case separated doesn't mean your not happy and often very content too actually. Guys l know live it up without a partner they're never going back, have myself to many a time matter of fact the only time l have problems or stress these days is when a woman's involved , sorta funny , sorta not. Don't know too many married people l envy though. Gf's wanted us to marry 18mths now so did ex but tbh, l'm not even sure l wanna go back to that yet,

But anyway , whole nother topic eh. What happens with d though is most of her friends mums are single and they ask about me, they've even sent pics it's that funny. Tricky too bc how to l tell the friend ahhh, sorry , she ain't y type. Funny too one is rich with properties all over the place and with her own place up in the hills over looking the coast. Now that ones really tempting haha, except l'm not even remotely attracted to her. She was one of the ones gave my d pics but her friend was right there and they're pushing her big time and l'm thinking , you couldn't pay me darlin but of course l have to think of something polite- it gets tricky believe me.

Think d and me are gonna have to have anther talk haha.

l've been making a decision this last few wks and sadly l've decided l'm stepping away from things for awhile. Properly l mean , not one of our breaks that are never breaks anyway.

We talked about it today and l don't really want any contact again now for at least awhile or maybe even not until after her crap and she , is sorted out. l feel very guilty as if l've bailed on her but l can't do this on off and at beck and call for when she feels like being us again for a day bs , or even support her properly like that anyway. lt's def' not doing me any good either.

The doors not closed but l feel right now this is the best for both of us her situation and mine atm. She can't even cope or sort herself out atm let alone us too , which has just been making it impossible for me to then either.

rx

Hi RX,

It’s completely understandable that you’ve come to that decision.

Even when people love each other, sometimes they just can’t make it work. It’s not giving up on love to break up when it is done with deep thought and consideration. Sometimes that’s what each person needs to heal and move forward with their lives.

Love has a funny way of showing up when you least expect it.

Your d is very wise for her age. She takes after you, right? :)

lillylane

Hey rx

You certainly have been back and forth and you're well being needs to be your focus. I know it was a tough decision but you need to look after you. You've done all you can in a difficult situation. You've been supportive, honest, caring...but it's taken it toll.

How did she react?

Here for you whenever you need.

Hugs

Cmf x

Haaa , well ldk Lilly, but thanks very much , lm hoping she'll be a lot wiser than me though tbh. l have a strange kind of sight , hoping hers develops into something a bit more life practical yaknow,She does have something very very special people have always picked it up and we always saw it but unfortunately this last yr or two it's all been thrown straight out the window for now.

gf , God tbh , l just don't know . Wouldn't really call it breaking up as such l know we'll both still be there and as l say the door would be open at least for awhile buttttt, some time away we might say , for now. See what happens.

hIYa cm and thanks very much for the kind words and thoughts and yeah it has been getting too much for sure. She was a bit like me , for some reason it doesn't feel like it'll be real or for very long , hard to explain .

Thanks again , rx.

Hey rx, gosh there were lots of posts to catch up with! Going 9 to the dozen here puff pant puff (that's me trying to catch my breath after a marathon of reading lol!).

Hey big hugs big fella. No matter what, this must still hurt.

You were right a few posts ago when you said she was saying all the things that I was saying during my Dark Ages. It really was THE most tumultuous of times - every breath feels like it's being controlled by the next lawyer's or Barrister's email, emails from Courts - absolutely 150% relentless.

I couldn't even care for MYSELF let alone extend any caring for BF.
I was desperately fighting for SURVIVAL.

It's impossible to understand unless a person has been in this exact set of circumstances.

I just felt the pain in my heart remembering all that stress.

Rx you've made the right decision to "pause" things for now.
Having the situation effect YOU so tumultuously just wasn't helping anybody, including yourself.

You did everything you could.
And as you say, it's not that all hope is lost.
It's not always possible to switch feelings of enduring love for a person quite so easily.
Depends on the Visa situation in the end too I guess.

Whatever this time brings you now as you go on, I hope you find some peace and happiness in anything you decide to do.

I'm doing okay lol. Nearly broke my neck (literally) yesterday, so another trip to the Chiro this week methinks lol. So darned lucky, I'm telling you now lol.
AND I wasn't even participating in "high risk activities" lol!
Just walking and slipped on a log. Cracked my neck on a concrete step. But the injured chook I was carrying was OKAY! Just so you don't worry about my darling chook hahaha.

I'd be safer climbing trees.

SO what do you have planned for this next little bit of time?
We're in Lock Down, so it's ummm quiet? Hahaha.
I'm getting HEAPS of home cooking done and the kids are YAY MAMA!
Buttermilk scones today and Char Siu pork tomorrow night YUM.

Take care!
Love EM

Haaa thanks em but you really didn't have to bother with those pages , haven't missed much just more round and rounds.

But nah , l can't switch on and off so l've very warily kept myself around halfway 12mths now as l've suspected touch and go. Been through too much crap last 8yrs to lay too much on the line with her situation so iffy. Not to be blaming her it's exactly as you've said she just can't be right now but the difference is you could except and cope with the support but she's feeling even more pressure and so responsibility for my heart too from it sooooo . Anywayyyyy, yeah nothings in stone , we see. Not too confident about her court cases though tbh , both are caused by her ex and he has the money- half of that rightfully hers, and the meanness too.

So you been knocking yourself about hey, no good. l actually need a chiroprac myself too atm. Not much else going on bar a bit of work , stuff, and daughter and gf stresses so fun fun fun. Yepppaa.

rx

Hey,

How are you doing?

Hiya cm.

Ahhh , pretty average at my end l'm afraid.

Hope your ok , Sunday tomorrow , have a nice one eh.

rx

Hey rx, sometimes life feels a bit like a mousewheel - round and round. Tedious!

How are you doing today?

Did you get to see a Chiro?

I couldn't see mine after that knock on my neck. What worked wonders was laying on my electric blanket of FULL all night long hahaha.
I'm almost healed (back to before anyway) so all good here.

We're in Lock Down atm so the only "new" things are online or in the kitchen or stuff like that atm.

Have you thought of doing something NEW?
Just to break the tedium of your own mind do the revolutions of the same.

Take care, things are getting even more "interesting" here with the Lock Down being extended so ho hum lol.

Back to "work" tomorrow.
Love EM

Hi em. Nah l only meant gf wise .

life ha, it'd be nice if that went around for a change. l've had enough new things , unexpecteds and new lives in mine for 5 people.

I want to minimalist so badly , crave it need it. l don't wanna own all the things l do either or all the junk l just end up accumulating as soon as l'm in the one spot long enough. l want to simple it down to just existing , ahhh the dream

Soon soon as gf says .

rx

I'm with you rx . I want simple. No fuss,no gadgets no bs. I said this to M last week.he has a new car, lots of bells and whistles,whi h he didn't know, so does sis but at least he doesn't post all over social media. Told him all that stuff doesn't interest me. I just want basics.

Hugs

Cmf x

Hiya cm.

Yeah , same. l so just want basic . And cars and gadgets ooo l hear ya. Sick to death of all of it. lt doesn't stop now , it'll never end.

rx

life eh , who ever knows what's round the next bend. likely an incoming rant, could be a good time to go check out another thread.

Thread started off about living alone , how bizarre . l wouldn't mind that right now. Think from memory there's some bits about my daughters trials in this one too well, so much has happened since l won't go into it all but thank the Gods she got through it and just latelt much has happened. New bf, some great friends, learning how to handle her manic , soooo proud of her.

Well she's back living here for the moment , a long with bf and friends coming and going , staying days on end, ironically in a living alone thread. Yeah we had some talks about cutting back on the stayers and that's sorting itself out. ironically also that l was actually looking forward alone time and life to work through especially with gf now seems as we're on hold, maybe even permanently God knows but lots to think about. Suddenly d's back and the place is full of people 1/2 the time. l dunno whether to laugh or cry tbh haha. So much for the hermitian l'd planned probably for the rest of the yr or into oblivion for all l knew bc God knows when or even if gf gets through her stuff or be back.

l was seriously thinking about life without her tbh, and where to. Well , one of the biggest things would be love, could even l go there again , or being as picky as l am even meet anyone else l'd even want to go there again with.

sTRangest thing . One of d's friends is a lot older than her and in her 30s, she stays a lot too. She's a very very unusual person and oddly , really oddly , the sort of person l;d actually go for and we have some thing between us. No nothings happening or going to bc l'd want someone closer my age for a start so l'm not even opening that one no way got enough problems. But never the less there is a thing and what it's done is shown me that there could just be one more person out there and that maybe if it come's to that , l could if l was lucky enough to find her , have a future with.

l really didn't think it'd be even possible to come across someone else and if there was it'd probably be my ex somehow coming back onto the scene. lf not for that pretty sure it'd be life alone from here on. When your relationship is looking like it's down the tube, especially at this age, you think about this stuff. Not that l'd be rushing out there forget it, but this thing has just shown me it just could happen later on though given the right person.

rx

Hi rx,

You know people come into our lives for a reason right. The fact this lady makes you feel hopeful is great.

I know you wanted alone time but are you enjoying having your daughter and friends around? Is it a good distraction for you?

Ride the wave, see where it takes you. You just never know.

Hugs

Cmf x

Gf also called over the wkend.

lt felt strange , l dunno. l just did not feel like getting dragged back into her on off in out stuff right now. l feel like alright we've made this damn break now and l'm trying to get my head and heart well , somewhere. l don't feel like talking right now if it's only gonna be more of that .

We didn't talk about any of it but she picked it up for sure and l know she's thinking . lt might be best she does a bit more of that l reckon.

rx

ps

Sorry l get my threads and what's been talked about mixed up to btw , but please don't think it's in any way a disrespect to people that've chimed in bc nope that is always very appreciated. lt's just that l'm Dyslexic and in my case that effects keeping track or re reading things,writing or often repeating, anything literature. l'm trying to stick to one thread now though and then l should know where everything is.

Thanks to btw cm , l'll come back tonight. Hope your ok.

rx

Hiya cm

Tbh , nope it's the last thing l needed right now and l don't do distractions don't bother it doesn't work when your finished things are still there anyway so to speak.

l don't know now though what to feel about them around. Feel guilty wanting my own time and house back too . But l'm trying to stay positive about it. We've been through so much with her though this last 18mths , that's not easy me and ex both are exhausted with most things d.

Butttttt, on a more positive note yeah , who knows. Of course it's nice in some ways too and maybe l get a nice surprise out of it somewhere a long the line too eh.

Hope your ok hugs back.

rx

Hey rx

I know what you mean about "meeting someone at this age"... it really does make you think.

Still with that and d coming back in with her entourage (lol omg) my eldest d said something to me regarding herself on Sunday night.... "I really am making myself suffer more than I need to".
She overthinks 1000%.... worries about the future ALL THE TIME... gets all 'in her head' in a judgmental way (her words not mine) about everyone around her.

She's catching herself when this happens and is trying to be more PRESENT.

That's all we have anyway, the precious present.

Minimalism is the WAY to go rx!!!

Blue's Clues started a Minimalism Thread here and was incredible help for me over the Summer in our changing 3 bedrooms around and MINIMISING, woah!

It was SO MUCH FUN!
It's made my life so much easier too. Simpler.

No way are we finished but our habits are better now too.

Next Summer will be the next BIG effort at it, although with a billion kids lol, I am always donating clothing, like at least once a month about 4 garbage bags of clothing.
Then the garden, can't count the tonnes of stuff literally.

It's extremely refreshing and brings a vibrancy to life!

Our Lock Down is set to extend longer, so if THAT'S the case, I might just get more opportunity to pass on more stuff!

Take care
EMxxxx

Yeah ya do wonder for sure em . l mean don't get me wrong last thing l wanna do is rush out and meet someone new if we don't work her crap out , or if she's in too much of a mess afterward to even handle a relationship anymore. But my taste is so rare tbh , l really don;t expect to feel the right stuff again about anyone. Although d's friend well , she has really made me think butttt, that's her, she's probably the last one on the planet now haha. Ah well , l'll try not to get myself into more trouble.

Your d hey , God the poor thing l hope she doesn't take it all too seriously as my d was doing very badly for awhile there. They can be so hard on themselves. l think it's especially harder for girls , especially with sm and pressures . Fantastic that she's catching it and aware enough now that's a great start hey.

Your place haaaa, l see visions of it whenever l see em around the place, your house l mean. Nah l'm not gonna describe it bc for a start this is a public place but for a finish if l'm right and l often am , it creeps me out haha. Head in sand , it's much more peaceful haha. But that bloody turkey hey , is he behaving.?

Clothes , crikey l know. D's packing up yet more tonight to donate off. She's got two rooms here full , plus one hall , plus the far end of the lounge. She's on her own tonight for a change and l said darlin , just one thing , can you clean up your damn crap, pleaseee. So she's been working on it tonight done wonders already.

Good luck.

rx

l know it's often a hard and tricky thing supporting someone you care about, when from the outside looking in your seeing things but at the same time you don't wanna be discouraging. You know they're trying and hopeful and the emotions and feelings are rolling about.

But sadly well maybe, sort of, since we've decided or l have to put things on hold , a few people are saying now what they've really been thinking about the situation. l mean l know it's a fine line when you wanna be there for someone and back them. Unfortunately though things are now coming out and even my daughters said a few times now, you really shouldn't have to be dealing with all her crap. You could be with someone that has her own money sorted ,a home of her own, doesn't have visa problems and court cases and isn't a mental wreck.No l don't go about moaning to my daughter but she does know the situation and things come up or she asks what's happening.

A friend emailed last night that knows every nitty gritty involved saying they think this holds a good idea right now and went onto pretty well the same thing my daughter's been saying. l know , l know no one else would have all this crap , and l've asked myself 50 times about it all too . lt mostly began well after we'd met , most of it was settled even her visa was paid and pretty well stamped, same her divorce and the settlement.This was all ex stuff that came along later on when he woke up one day and decided he didn't want to go ahead with the divorce settlement or hand over her share, so he reopened it all and tried to sabotage her visa . He figures if he can get her kicked out she can't touch him or the loot.

lt is true, it's a bloody mess and so is she , and what will we be even left with later when it is all done , whenever that is. Me , bc of what we are and have between us in normal times, and the life we could have later, a lot like EM's situation back when , l've have very few doubts about riding it out until this last few mths.

But l need her to be wanting that too , l can't do that or support her alone , there's two of us in this. l've been trying that 6mths now but it's just gotten worse.

rx

Yettttt,

The cards are still on big love.

Did a draw last night in front of my daughter , she does tarot, she couldn't believe it. l did 3 hands in a row right in front of her with massive reshuffles each time just to be sure, same every time.

rx

Call from gf the other day think l mentioned it. But she's also dropped a few messages too now this wk. Only that her sons baby was born and a little bit about that , which was beautiful news.

But she still sounds the same. Just distant and not in us at all . Few lines and then she'll just say goodnight or have a lovely day baby or something like that and just disappear again. But she's also feeling worse than ever she did talk a bit about that too , she's in a very bad way.

originally she wanted to try to stay till the baby was born at least , and to help in any way she could with all that first of all. She didn't trust lockdowns or border and back when said a few times what if l can't get back and the baby comes- and here we are they're in lock down borders are closed and the baby came. So whether l'll get a call in the next few wks now she's hopping on a plane is anyone's guess.

She still sounded totally distant though and very blank . No idea whatsoever but l'm not really expecting her to show up any time soon tbh so l'm taking any calls or whatever with a grain of salt and trying to just get on with things for now.

rx

Many things have been happening , what a few days.

But l also wanna just put down here some thoughts on the situation with gf. Yeah the friend of my daughters at least made me feel something about a future love wise if gf and l don't fix this , for a moment. But that's not what l want and it's not what feels right , matter of fact , the thought of us not going on , just does not fit , or feel right. Gf said the same a few times . We've always felt both of us right through, even with some ups and downs, that we, us , are the last stop, we were the only future either of us could feel or see. And strangely bc for awhile there and maybe even still right now, it just doesn't look like we will be , but it still feels the same none the less.

Well , even moreso now bc a few days ago l found some of our talks from only 6mths ago , things that melted my heart an things from all of her heart too , and things spoken in such a way that no one else ever would , partly bc of her nationality and partly bc of just whom she is as a person and a soul. Just beautiful stuff that l'd saved but hadn't looked at in a long while . And with finding and looking at these beautiful things once more , it all still feels the same. l really in all honesty just can't see or feel anything with anyone else.

Thing is though, but look at where we are right now then and so then how is it that in only 6mths when nothing at all bad has happened between us as such or anything like that , we are where we are now then ? Add to these things only a mth or close ago she said she has the love for me of her son which she has never ever felt for anyone else. Yet here we are.

l'd so just still lve to save us , but right now it's like l have to do it on my own and l have no clue how to do that when she's the way she is and just so distant and in hardly any contact at all.

We had solutions only 6mths ago too , for all of her situation and for us , she was suppose to come back and we'd do it all from here and begin our life properly. And this would also only help if anything her cases too but it also certainly would've helped her cope as well bc she'd be with me again. l just can't for the life of me figure out how she went from that to this and to us being practically non existent now.

rx

And to her literally blocking "us" , right now , literally just not letting "us" , in.

She's even talked ok when she's been very very very down and lost all heart in her situation , of living alone forever. Bc she still could not love or be with anyone else , so she'd live out life alone. Just some of the stuff she's blurted out last mth or two.

l mean hth do l save it on my own , with thinking like that from her lately. ?

rx

Hey rx

I'd love if you could send her part of that last post.
It read beautifully about your true sentiments of the r/ship, exactly HOW you feel about her.

I understand completely how rare this kind of love can be.

When I've thought BF & I needed to break up, my feelings were unchanged - my love for him was still there. The thought of being with any other man made me sick lol!
And I know myself ALL too well.

It's happened before only once. I was deeply in love, he went to live overseas, wanted me to come etc we ended up breaking up.
The MIND WORK I had to do for the next 2 decades NOT to compare my partner with him, was insane.

Thank God BF blows even that guy out of the water & everyone else like an atomic bomb lol.

It's rare.

I think others don't understand.
You have separated HER from what's going on in her life.
Courts, Visa stuff...is environmental, not HER.

You can dislike the stuff going on immensely but still love her!

I Pray these things dissipate very quickly! I Pray they all resolve so you can both be together again, happy.

It's heartbreaking rx, I really get it. I'm so sorry.

On a lighter note! Papa Brush Turkey is building the bloody Taj Mahal hahaha!
He's gone bonkers! At least it's half way down the BACK yard this time, not against the house near my bedroom.
I have ESP with this bird, I'm telling you now... I didn't know how I would get years worth of scrub OFF the chook's shed.... then he jumped up there & scratched it all OFF of it for his nest. Then with the scrub inside the pool fence.... NEST... then every corner I pondered... he even lets me PAT him now for a nanosecond.
Crikeys.
This is NOT quite the Mr Perfect Metropolitan Man lifestyle BF envisaged us having (Mr Clinical Engineer, Mr Lover of Bleach!)... also Mr Hide from Snakes. He did change about spiders tho... awwww he bought a spider sucker that tickles them on to a brush if they get into our apartment in Seattle & he can put them back outside.

Alexa - eldest d has decided to continue with her Psych Honors next semester (as I thought she would lol).
Yvette - youngest d is like a pig in mud NOT going to school bec of Lock Down.
My sons are beautiful. They say "WATCH OUT" to any man who passes our paths.... the girls in our family are scarier than the boys! Hahaha.

Lock Down has been good for us, we're enjoying it alot. The pets are getting fatter lol.
Our home is a fun & lovely place to be!

Thinking of you
EMxxxx

Hey my friend,

EM offers so much wisdom.

I think gf has given up cos it reminds me of how I've been with M lately. Excluding myself, withdrawn, not as affectionate and more all cos I can't see where we are headed. The uncertainty, the unknown, waiting for something to change/be decided by others to see if things have a chance of working out.

I feel for you so much but I get it. At least you've been proactive in trying to stay together. The response I get is 'what can I do about it'.

At least you seem to care.

Cmf x

Hiya em , and thanks for the words they mean a lot.

She does know we've talked about all that many times and said it all but maybe a reminder might not hurt right now for sure either. Tbh , when l found the convos l felt like sending them to her just to remind her and help her get her focus back . l wouldn't bc it's a really bad time right now and it might make her feel worse or even more confused or cornered or something , but yeah , maybe what you've suggested wouldn't hurt though.

l just don't know anymore. Your right though , from the outsider people treat these things so throw away , even with the best intentions . They can't know the real things and rarity between you and feelings, and it feels devaluing to even bother trying to explain them.

Mr turkey eh yeah knew he'd be down there doin his thing. So funny , wish we had them here . At least he cleaned up the roof though hey , l can just see him up and down and building away , you'll come home one night and he'll probably have the brick layers and electricians in doing the finishing touches , all nice and ready for the misses haha.Don't forget to buy him a beer when he's done.

Ha ha ha, no doubt about it girls are way scarier . So nice she's focusing on something though. We just wish my d would take up something, find her focus and stability, it'd help her sooooo much . We know that we want it for her , but she's just a mess and living crazy stuff atm. We're so proud of her in other ways though and in getting herself though things from last yr. Unfortunately though , we're pretty sure though the diagnoses was correct after all and she is Bi polar , we're seeing real cycles and patterns now. l dunno , wholeeee nother kettle of fish.

Thank the Gods we only had one. rx